Reporter Jailed on Conspiracy Charges

(Montrose) Longtime lightweight Melvin Toole was arrested this afternoon and charges with passing sensitive security secrets to North Korean agents allegedlly encamped on the Uncompahgre River here. Toole, thought to be a pawn in the classic pincher movement, is being held without snacks or TV at the new Justice Center.

His lawyer has scheduled a press conference for the Cornhouse steps tomorrow at high noon.

According to prosecutors Toole was observed snapping pictures of top secret sites, in particular the clandestine Western Area Power Administration of the highly regarded Bureau of Land Reclamation on Rio Grande Avenue.

One eye witness, Emily Postmortemme, a BLM employee since before mood rings, accused Toole of exaggerated espionage and criminal mischief in trampling her petunias, which were planted in reclaimed soil during coffee breaks in April.

“I was just sitting at my desk staring out at the parking lot, like I do every afternoon, when I saw the alleged assailant pull into a handicapped space. He looked around to see that no one was watching and slithered onto the lawn where he began his photosensitive assault on one of our sacred institutions. With all the cops employed by this city it seems almost mathematically impossible that he could have sneaked onto this installation unchecked, but there is no end to the hideous initiative of these spy types.”

While falling short of describing Toole as a mastermind in the sphere of espionage, authorities did say they suspect that Toole is a kingpin in a massive undercover ring that has been selling sensitive secrets to foreign governments at local yard sales and auctions since the Eighties.

“This thing is bigger than we had first expected,” said one police officer. “It could stretch from Craig all the way to Durango. Now that we have incarcerated Toole we can begin investigating anyone else who has connections to the said area of operation. We’ll even interrogate federal employees and school children if that’s what it takes to solve the mystery. We have guns and mace and dogs too.”

A midnight roundup of foreign nationals along the Uncompahgre River netted police only two illegal aliens from Sonora, a sun worshipper from Silverton and three bags of assorted beer cans. Police have reportedly scheduled a Janet Renoesque raid on local RV strongholds in hopes of catching North Korean agents red-handed with the goods over the weekend.

“Just because we didn’t catch any of those dirty Communist North Koreans doesn’t mean their not here en masse,” said the investigating officer who demanded anonymity. Police reported that they did corral a Navajo hurling team from Tuba City on their way to a tournament in Meeker.

“We pulled them over at 1300 because they looked quasi-oriental,” said one officer, “and on suspicion of driving under the influence of an uncontrolled substance since their lights weren’t on. We would have liked to issue a summons since no one was wearing a seatbelt but our current safety laws don’t cover school buses.”

Meanwhile Toole insists he is innocent of all charges with the possible exception of violating the constitutional rights a handicapped parking space.

“Constitutional rights, heh?” quipped the officer. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned after my two weeks on the job and my three weeks in training it’s that when they start mouthing this constitutional hubbub there’s a card-carrying commie in the woodpile.”

Although attorneys for the accused have taken a recreational approach to the defense of their client, they expressed confidence that the entire matter will be sorted out in quart sometime next year.

“Mr. Toole was well within his rights to photograph the BLM building. If another party then flattered him by wanting to buy the photo that is legal too. We all know how arrogant artists can be and Toole is no different.”
Claims that North Korea wanted the picture so as to steal secrets regarding land management were discounted by the lawyers as poppycock.

– Rocky Flats