North Dakotans protest deunionization

(Bismarck) Plans to kick the state of North Dakota out of the Union came up against rigid protest today as a mob of over three people demonstrated outside the United States embassy here. The sweeping plan, endorsed wholeheartedly by this newspaper, seemed to have been gaining support until an ugly little incident on the banks of the Missouri, which saw two armed camps about to go for the throat,

Proponents of the banishment feel that North Dakota doesn’t do anything and that it is tediously flat.

“It just sits up there collecting dust,” said one Rapid City (South Dakota) man who says his state needs a common border with both Manitoba and Saskatchewan. “We tried to dissolve former boundaries and form one Dakota but the power brokers in Minot squashed that idea. Now it’s war!”

Other civic groups in Eastern Montana feel much the same way.

“We resent the prevalent attitude up in North Dakota, you know, that they’re better than everyone else,” said one Montanan. “Plus the place is a mess. There’s corn lying around and old cars everywhere. Did you ever visit one of those cute little crossroads communities? Bar…church…bar…church…How boring.”

The North Dakotese shoreline below the dangerous Straights of Haggis

Officials in Washington DC are at odds over the proposal since they have never really kicked a state out of the Union.

“Our ancestors endured a five-year war to keep the South from taking a hike back in the 1860s,” said one Congressman. “It seems ludicrous to go out of our way to ban North Dakota from further participation in our affairs. Most of the residents there are honest, hard working taxpayers,” she said. “It’s just a few loafers that spoil things for the majority.”

Another senator suggested that North Dakota should be put under house arrest until the matter is resolved in the quarts.

“What are we going to do? Kick North Dakota out and bring Puerto Rico into the fold?” he frowned. “It may well come to that since we’ve already got all these flags printed with 50 stars and all.”

In a nationwide survey, conducted by ham radio, some 88% of all Americans would prefer that North Dakota joined Russia or Canada or just brought its pathetic road show elsewhere. Emotions currently run high although no real violence has been reported at press time.

– Rocky Flats