NOAH’S LARK

It is dusk on the proverbial Noah’s ArK. Most of the animals have settled in for the night on the crowded craft that they would call home for some time. It has started to rain. Two giraffes are busy sharing an up-to-the-minute appraisal of the situation.
“Yeah, OK, I see the lions. I don’t think they pose a threat just so long as the rations hold out,” said the first giraffe. “Noah has warned all of the animals that they can be replaced if they exhibit antisocial behavior and even those big cats don’t enjoy water all that much.”
“It makes me nervous nonetheless,” said giraffe number two. “Did Noah really think that he could change instinctual patterns overnight, just because of a little flood?”
“The man is really quite amazing, I think. Here he is building an ark, gathering two of every animal on the planet to assure the continuity of the species after the waters subside,” said the first giraffe.
“It will have to be after we get off this ship,” laughed the second giraffe. “With the overcrowding there is no such thing as romantic privacy. Even the rabbits are abstaining.”
“Well, nobody really knows how long this flood will last so we might as well all get along. What puzzles me is why he chose only one pair of all the other animals and four giraffes,” said the first. “Where are our mates? I’ve searched the entire ship and I think there’s some mistake!”
“You mean you’re not a female giraffe?” asked the second. “This is embarrassing. Noah has been so niggardly with our standing room that I have yet to take a peek. I thought you were a female giraffe with a deep voice or an overactive thyroid. You’re a male?”
“Red-blooded and ready to rock and roll,” smiled the first. “Noah must have two females stashed somewhere. It makes sense that he would carry more than two of us on this nautical roster considering the fact that we are the most attractive and most advanced species and that the entire ecosystem revolves around our poetic abilities to reach into the sky.”
“Yeah, I’ll buy that,” answered the second, “but I wonder where our mates could be?”
A small chimpanzee approached the two giraffes looking for his mate as well. He stopped to exchange pleasantries.
“Oh, I know she’s on board. I’ve already met her,” he said when the conversation got around to the subject of pairs. “She’s sweet and bright but she’s already talking commitment,” he explained. “I don’t know if I’m ready for all that…”
“Quit your bellyaching, monkey,” asserted the first giraffe. “At least you have a mate. We’re both guys and we’d like to take a gander at Noah’s ledger in case there is some mistake.”
“There’s no mistake,” insisted the second giraffe. “Noah knows a good thing when he sees it. He’s just over booked on giraffes. It comes as no surprise to me…”
“That Noah is a few cubits short of a yard,” snickered the chimp. “He’s always hanging near the bow talking to the sky. Some of the birds have talked about going AWOL and searching for land on the horizon. Maybe you boys should join them. Well,” he waved, “I’m off to find my one true love and maybe a few minutes of privacy somewhere on this craft.”
“What an obnoxious fellow,” said giraffe number one. “It’s no wonder Noah only brought two of his species.”
“Enough about the damn monkey!” said giraffe number two. “We need to get to the bottom of this mess before we drift farther out to sea. Here Noah comes now. Let’s ask him about our mates.”
The captain of the arc was happily singing away as the two confused animals approached him. “Zebras are reactionaries, antelopes are missionaries…”
“Excuse me, Noah, we have a bit of a problem here that you might help us sort out,” said one giraffe. “After careful calculation and intense scrutiny we have established that we are both males. Our question to you is whether or not you have a couple of giraffe babes stashed aboard this vessel?”
“What?” screamed Noah. “Two boys and no girls? It can’t be. He’ll scuttle me for sure on this one!”
“Who will scuttle you?” asked the giraffe. “It seems like an honest mistake. Just tell us where you’ve hidden our mates and all will be forgotten,” said giraffe number one.
“Have you ever thought of dating a koala bear or a wildebeest?” asked Noah grabbing at straws. “How about a nice aoudad? They can be very nice companions and are said to be great cooks.”
“What are you telling us?” asked giraffe number two. “Is this some celestial foul-up or are your numbers off?”
“Let me check into it and get back to you,” shrugged Noah. “Do you know how many species I had to gather to pull this deal off? It ain’t easy being a major Biblical character when you are surrounded by such a zoological nightmare.”
Noah disappeared below claiming that he would set things right.
“Why is there only one human on this voyage,” asked giraffe number one.
“One is enough,” laughed number two, now becoming more comfortable with Noah’s ability to correct his mistake. “What I can’t figure out is why he hasn’t swatted those bothersome flies up on the poop deck? This appears to be the appropriate time to save mankind from an eternity of buzzing. I’d do it myself if I could.”
Noah returned smiling a few minutes later.
“I talked to the Boss and he was understanding. This misappropriation has not occurred in any other species,” said Noah. “He is sending a female giraffe over on the supply ship this weekend. It’s quite lucky for you guys that there are any left after the storm and all.”
“Great, said both animals, “but while we’re on the subject where is your mate?”
Noah frowned. “She’s at her mother’s. She hates the water. I told her this was no regular voyage but she’s not one to listen when her mind is made up. I expect she’ll show up as the storm progresses. The only problem now is that we have one too many male giraffes. Which one of you is the better swimmer? Just kidding, boys.”
Noah then shot off again, promising to examine all possibilities by the weekend but reminding the two giraffes that the Boss has clearly stipulated that only two of each species would be allowed on the ark.
“I guess we could always let the lady giraffe decide,” said Noah, “but I’m afraid that might set a powerful precedent for what’s left of eternity.”
“Hey, it’s only Tuesday,” said giraffe number one. “We have until the weekend to come up with a solution. Maybe there’ll be a last minute cancellation,” he flinched.
“Maybe she’ll bring a friend and the Boss will cut us a break,” said giraffe number two. “After all, the world can always use a few more of us.”
“Maybe the rain will quit,” smiled Noah, swatting away a fly.

Kevin Haley

May 19, 2016