Mitt Romney declares Utah a “sovereign nation”

Colorado, New Mexico follow suit in Rocky Surprise

Legislators in three western states have voted for secession from the United States of America. They have called for top security fortification of all borders to be carried out with with extreme prejudice. The move is seen as a response to alleged lies and spotty federal aid based on politics and cronyism.

Disgruntled and former allies of the United States are this morning flocking to create embassies and consulates in abandoned tar shacks and shoddy roadside trailers in the newly emerging nations. The activity has been remarkable according to The Salt Lake and Wasatch Tribune: “where none hath seen like migration since the gold camps and railroad before”. Right now nobody knows if this new coalition will attempt to join other “rascal states” farther west of the Rockies.

“Residents here and in the aforementioned Rocky Mountain regions express hope that this new arrangement might  give them some leverage in decision making and life choices ever since the Trumpers blew it,” chimed Admiral Fyodor Winnie Toole, who is in the midst of a nasty campaign against a known anarchist for Jurisprudence Czar in Clovis (NM) in November. With one foot still firmly on the bilge pump he appears to be a shoe-in. Quite popular with the helmsmen and the ladies in waiting, his reemergence has been a shock to detractors and a boon to solicitors.

While the unceasingly monotonous Toole, who often spells his name Tool so as to maintain a shadowy sense of the anonymous, explains: “It’s to throw them off my scent”. Whoever is chasing him or supports his fantasies and mid-numbing exercises of paranoia is not named in the credits. While Admiral Fyodor continues spouting like a compacted tugboat in labor, the rest of us need to sit down and think things over.

“Colorado will have roads to plow,” said a retired planner from Castle Rock, “and running Utah itself is no walk in the park.

“Who will step up on garbage day?” chanted a councilman from Penasco. “Where will they start? What will they eat for lunch?”

“How many of our fellow citizens can we count on even to walk the dog?” Toole reconnoitered, forcing his way back into the now heated dialogue. “And when?”

“Our borders are easily defended. Invasion by sea would be ridiculous,” spat Toole militarily. “It’s those air planes that worry us now but we have a load of anti-aircraft guns and land mines coming in on the red-eye from China. Should be here any day now precluding an all out gutting of the postal service by our former countrymen, the Republicans.”

Sources still in control in the US say it has no plan to attack what it called prodigal states, the truth being leaders there are hard-pressed to get out of bed in the morning. Most haven’t been seen in public for weeks, even days.

Meanwhile a highly evolved blueprint for infrastructure is improving in leaps and hounds due to public works programs that put people to work building roads and bridges. Besides rewarding dogs for practicing abstinence in sexual encounters these working vacations discourage cats from sleeping in a sunny window all afternoon and ignoring the needs of others. It’s Utopia!

Progressives claim the cities are crime free since they have invited the urban residency to relocate to country to grow beans and hang out on the porch at night. Conservatives say they should grow rice too.

Education, day care, pubic transportation, the arts and medicine are free with cereal box tops.  Bubble gum will return to baseball card packs and no one over 300 pounds should wear yoga pants. Ancient water and mineral rights have been seriously reconsidered. Game is plentiful and most residents will thrive.

Taxes are no higher than in the abundantly militant US where half the taxes go to weapons and another third into the pockets of unscrupulous rats that would throw their grandmothers to the virus lions for a nickel.

Readers will recall that California, Oregon, Washington and Nevada were just last week kicked out of the United States after complaining that they were not receiving federal aid in times of crisis. They have merged as the Pacific Bear Republic and have flags, fireworks and marching bands everywhere.

The alien resident status of natives and longtime residents of the escaped states will be appraised and decided on a case by case basis. Most will be invited to return but it is their option.

After December 31: Any other applications, pleas and proposals will be handled by our consortium of embassies link in Geneva or by various diplomatic missions being created in sympathetic states trapped by geography or indifference to quality of life.

-Suzie Compost