McConnell in advanced stage of soft shell disease

(Turtle Cove) Former Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has been diagnosed with advanced soft shell disease it was disclosed today. The infirmity, while not clearly visible to others, gradually eats away at the conscience causing the victim to lose all sense of honor and clarity.

Many suggest that the health issues are behind McConnell’s agreement to share power with Democrats on Covid legislation.

Persons close to McConnell told reporters that episodes of spinelessness and attempts to distance himself from a monster he helped create were symptoms of soft-shell disease and that McConnell cannot be held accountable for his actions. They further stated that the GOP had kept “this shell thing” quiet since 2018.

“If he had faced the health care options of most Americans he would probably be dead,” said one angry voter who has lost several family members to Covid-19.

“Petty holdups in Congress go a long way to suggest that wealthy elected officials don’t really give a damn about how many people are dying from Covid,” stressed the voter who wished to remain anonymous. “They are fine. Their money is fine. This legislation is one year late. Twelve months of doing almost nothing. Trump had no plan and apparently Congress did not either.”

-Tommy Middlefinger

“What am I doing? Well, I’m lookin’ to fall in with the wrong sort. How about you?”

– Melvin B. Toole, from Date Night in Rifle, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.