Faithful Warned of Shortages in Hereafter

(Lake Ontario) Persons expecting to enter the Pearly Gates in the next few years should be aware of  imperfections ever there said Rev. Price Bullwhistle at a meeting of The Privileged Christians here.

The group is meeting again this morning to decide on how to eliminate political foes and to execute a mandate requiring forced adherence to its moral statutes in the region.

Yesterday Rev. Bullwhistle blamed a number of non-christians and underprivileged ethnic groups for the state of affairs in the Great Beyond. He assured the faithful that if the tow the line these inconveniences as well as their associated groups would be eliminate. Quoting from the Book of Moammar, the proverbial Bad Angel, Bullwhistle noted several of the more serious shortages:

1. Fuel is in short supply up there. Myths about 29 cent gas and full service garages are bunk and nothing more.

2. Fast food outlets are on the brink of collapse due to a return to good health practices by the populace. Shortages of lettuce and ketchup have pushed the situation into the emergency corner.

3. Moses does not drive a red Cadillac anymore but has opted for a Toyota wagon.

4.Pay phones are not still 5 cents in fact they are a quarter in most places if you can find one that works at all. A phone call from heaven to say, Purgatory often costs up to $1.50 for three minutes and the price is expected to go up again this fall.

5. Lift tickets are not still $10 at major ski areas but have climbed to the ungodly sum of $35. Greens fees are out of this world as well.

Bullwhistle went on to tell the faithful of other myths associated with eternal living. His biggest concern seemed to be of a political nature.

“Richard Nixon was never pardoned up there,” he bellowed through his flag draped pulpit. “He was never elected Governor of California in paradise either.”

According to Bullwhistle the black and white film of the 1936 Olympics in Munich does not and never has showed Adolph Hitler shaking hands repeatedly with Jesse Owens either. Hitler, now residing “on the other side of the tracks” as it were, is a  popular after dinner speaker in there netting in the neighborhood of 120,000 induls (from indulgences) heaven’s main form of currency.

Socially Bullwhistle warned of such common myths as “I’m in heaven now so I can eat as much as I want” and “Forget about personal hygiene- I’m a spirit now and no one can smell me anyway.

“Imagine if you will,”  offered Bullwhistle, “a slow moving elevator crammed with the fat and righteous who haven’t been investing in deodorant or tooth paste. Hell may indeed have its fury but we would have smelled heaven’s wrath,” he wailed.

The Reverend continued by verifying rumors that the New York Times Book Review was available in the hereafter and that 138,000 heavenians were injured by falling through clouds in 2017 alone. He concluded on a disheartening note, however, telling the assembled multitude that time spent judging their neighbor while on earth did not transfer into graduate credits up there.

-Kashmir Horseshoe

“The initial American strategy failed, the war with Iran is consuming the entire region, Iran and Ukraine are risking a face-off, there is evidence that both Russia and China are escalating their military commitments, American munitions stocks are dwindling and Trump is raging.  – David French, New York Times