Man Beaten in Handicapped Space

(Shangri-La Village) An elderly man was hospitalized early this morning after illegally parking in a space reserved for the handicapped. The incident took place outside of Onfre’s Gumbo Shack on Highway 1, better known as Celebrity Way.

According to eyewitnesses, a man identified as Ronald “Rev. Bob” Schlitz of Silverton, in an effort to avoid inclement weather, parked in the most convenient space available, before wandering in for two whole-wheat pancakes and a glass of pomegranate juice, his daily routine.

He later claimed that due to poor visibility he did not record the infraction or was in any way aware of his unlawful behavior.

Moments after leaving his car he was, according to the same witnesses, accosted by three angry men, one in a state-of-the-art wheel chair. The other two boasted such battle trophies as am eye patch, and a large blackthorn cane. The trio reportedly struck Schlitz several times, knocking him to the pavement. Later they kicked the man breaking his glasses, his arm and tearing his London Fog raincoat.

And if that wasn’t enough, they encouraged passersby to join in the fracas by retelling the story of Schlitz’s shameful deed. Moments before police arrived on the scene one man drove over the victim in his golf cart, warning Schlitz that “The parking space is exclusively for the handicapped!”

Schlitz was ticketed for parking in a restricted priority zone and is currently resting at St Roscoe’s Hospital at Pea Green.

According to doctors, he is expected to be released within a few days. Due to injuries received in the incident he is now classified as legally blind and 70% disabled, a status that will entitle him to park his car in spaces reserved for the handicapped in the future.

– Dag Katz