Local Woman Earns Recognition For Talented Ants

A Delta County woman has gained recent notoriety through her pet jumping ants that dance and perform officially sanctioned gymnastics routines. The troupe is currently preparing to take their patriotic themed jingo show on the road this winter.

As most SHJ readers are already well aware, only three of the 396 ant genera known to exist on planet Earth are known leapers. Yet some of you may not be aware that of the three jumping ants, two are capable only of leaping up and backwards, often landing on their backs, in shame, suffering emotional scars at the least. Both of these backward jumping ants live and work in Southeast Asia.

And now because of the endurance and love of a Delta County woman, researchers have now learned that the third leaping ant can also jump forward, perform a triple lutz, land on its legs upright. The insect be able to perform Michael Jackson’s “Moon Walk” if correctly prompted.

As an aside, this extremely talented third ant group is named the trap-jaw ant. It is believed the name was given due to the ant’s tendency to trap obnoxious, young children in its jaws and run away to sell them into slavery at flesh pot/local garage sales.

Back in Delta County (Did we ever leave?), upon returning from a sojourn to the Indonesian rain forest last year, the local woman unpacked her satchel to discover an eager family of trap-jaw ants who had escaped their oppressive ant culture, and stealthily stowed away to find a refuge of happiness, freedom and equality in America.

In a press release released to the press last night, the local woman said this:

“As soon as I opened my single checked bag to unpack all of my duty-free, out jumped a plump little ant calf onto the bed! Imagine my surprise when the little guy began to dance and sing 80s pop tunes! After he finished a tear-jerking cover of Aquarius, he took a great big breath, leapt off the bed and hooked his six tiny legs into my neck. I have since learned that this is an ant hug, but I knew even then that crabs were not the only special thing I had come home with!

Over the course of the last year, the local woman has molded the native talent of her humble trap-jaw ant family into a performing dynamo that is currently in negotiations with several Branson, Missouri nightclub lounge venues. She is also negotiating with the principles at the Telluride Bluegrass Festival, even though she and her entourage are not technically bluegrass but definitely about money.

“The highlight of the whole show is when our mama ant, dressed in USA Olympic uniform festooned with colorful flowing ribbons, catapults herself from one of the audience tables in the third row onto the stage while the back-up band plays God Bless America. Nobody ever notices Mama as she quietly crawls up the table leg. Then she unfurls the rainbow ribbons and proudly leaps!”

During one frightening evening performance Mama got stuck on the side of an audience member’s margarita, during a full-on rendition of The Star Spangled Banner,  just before it was time for the show-stopping leap to the stage.

“Luckily she struggled free just in time for a glorious jump. We use red, white and blue lighting and video monitors for Mama’s part of the show. Then the band went in to a lively America the Beautiful despite an overwhelming  audience desire to hear Take Me Out To The Ballgame just one more time before that song is banished by the secret police.

All is not happy-pants for the energetic new entertainers however. The ants and the local woman have caught the regulatory eye of the Colorado Fines and Wildlife Imprisonment, that has opened a file on what they term an “unauthorized and maybe even illegal importation of an immigrant, better known as refugee, ants, with a reputation for snagging small children in their jaws and pandering them at flesh pot garage sales.

“I definitely think this is something we should be looking into,” said Capt. Barbless Hook, head Fish Policeman and boss of the investigation. “Them foreign ants may be seeing some troubled waters drowning out their little ant dreams in the near future, if you see what I’m sayin’ here.”

– Lina Bacherre

“Fraternity boys simply should not have access to nuclear weapons.”
– conclusions of United Nations Commission on World Peace in 2016