Local Spoon Protests CAFE Standard

(Colona) Red’s Gravy Heaven survived the Persian Golf Canned Meat Crisis in 2009 and The Portuguese Cherry Tomato Scandal in 1998, but now with the newest federal energy act impounding on the door the future is anything but assured.

Today principles at the institutional eatery formally protested the federal CAFE Standard in that it unfairly targets restaurants while ignoring industries that produce greenhouse gas, create massive amounts of garbage and/or market inefficiency.

(Editor’s note: Red doesn’t know it but The CAFE standard mentioned above is merely the acronym for Corporate Average Fuel Economy. It has nothing to do with food. Rather is a measurement for determining fuel efficiency standing in the automotive industry. According to our accounting department at the newspaper, the formula is quite simple: Take the weighted average of efficiency times the total sales by units and arrive at the answer. What a moron.)

The protest cited alleges that since Red’s gravy, is a renewable resource it should not be regulated according to these new standards. Statistics provided by Canned Food Magazine strongly suggest that Red and many others are being railroaded by the Department of Transportation in a dark vendetta against mom and pop resaturants..

“As far as waste goes we received a passing grade each year since 1912,” said Red, whose grandfather started opening cans and burning daily specials just prior to Edwin Bradenberger’s invention of manufactured cellophane. That particular Red even catered the Zabern Affair in the Alsace-Lorraine the following spring.

“It’s hard enough to make a living frying eggs without the feds muscling in,” said Red. “Now they’re trying to tell me that my gravy’s not fuel efficient. Hell, there’s more nutrition in one lump than in fifty tubs of margarine or a bushel of pasta salad that they serve in the Congressional lunchroom, I hope to shout.

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