INVENTOR OF PANTY-HOSE FOUND STRANGLED

(Olathe) The woman credited with developing and marketing panty-hose was found near-dead in her sea-view apartment here this morning. A victim of her own devices, 98-year-old Ruthie Roosterson was cheated and released at St. Roscoe’s Daily Hospital at Montrose. She expired a few hours later.

Police have one suspect in custody, a Pea Green chemist and former French restaurateur, Maude de Flippante, who once claimed to have invented panty-hose almost three years prior to Roosterson. Flippante, then a resident of the Limousin Region of France (and vocal proponent of sensual legware), was promptly arrested and condemned to death for crimes against good taste and the comforts of humanity. He escaped during a change of governments in 1964 and came to the United States as a stowaway in a crate of Martel cognac.

Roosterson’s eager heirs were notified as to their dire misfortune last night when authorities informed them that there would be no inheritance since Roosterson squandered her vast fortune on low stakes slot machines at Tawaoc. They remain in seclusion, devastated by the news.

The sole suspect plans to plead innocent of all charges despite incriminating DNA samples found on the scene. A trial/barbecue is planned for late June at Pea Green Hall.

– Susie Compost