HORSESHOE GRANTED JUNK MAIL STATUS

(Gunnison) The San Juan Horseshoe has finally reached the kind of milestone that most newspapers only dream of — that of junk mail status. Legally filed with the Library of Congress, the Postal Equilibrium Committee and the Interstate Commerce Union, the license allows the paper access to every American whether they like it or not.

By next week the Horseshoe plans to send back issues to every mailbox in the Western United States and Canada. Whereas before the publisher might have been jailed for such an act, now he is free to intrude into the lives of his fellow citizens without penalty.

According to a postal source the paper must send out at least 250 tons of worthless print per month to qualify for next year’s license. Anything less would automatically drop that effort into second class or the feared requested material category.

“Then we’d have to hold the mail until someone showed up at the little window, showed some identification and offered to buy us lunch,” said Mondo Carmen a stamp designer from Milan.

Over at the newspaper the staff is said to be quite enthused over the accomplishment which should make their jobs easier.

“The paperwork took 20 years but at least we’ll get some relief in the dead file room and storage of those colorful Piggly Wiggly inserts will be much less a problem,” said one under-editor. “This place was starting to look like a paper mill on Thursdays.” – Fred Zeppelin