Horseshoe accused of benefitting from lockdowns

(Coconuca Plaza) Critics are enraged today with the release of new readership figures over at the San Juan Horseshoe. The data, collected since March 15, validates earlier claims that readership of the website, sanjuanhorseshoe.com, had doubled or even tripled since the institution of social distancing restrictions.

“Our hits have exploded, increasing by the hundreds each day since the obligatory self-isolation approach was enacted in March,” said account executive Loraine “Tinkerbelle” DeHaviland, from the pea-brained veranda of her self-contained cranium cubicle.

Publishers of the site say they are being wrongly targeted in that they are not profiting from the misery of others, hoarding anything or even earning direct compensation from the mushrooming stats.

Further examination of graphs and digital widgets strongly suggests that the traffic will swell further as the pandemic continues. Editors agree that more idle time, bad television and chronic boredom have had a hand in the upsurge.

“We just hope that all businesses are able to survive this mess and get back on their feet,” continued DeHaviland. “We’d rather focus there than on our own successes and failures.”

“While we are thrilled with the number of visitors to our site we hope for a brighter tomorrow,” she said, “for everyone on the planet.”

Conspiracy advocates say that The Horseshoe is part of a deeper, misguided attack on the economy at a time of desperation for essential workers who do not have the option to stay home if they so choose.

“They just want to keep Americans in their homes so that they can take their guns,” said Rev. Roscoe Barbarius, who hasn’t seen a nickel in the collection plate for weeks. “It’s all a distraction so as to install the god-less, liberal agenda and teach socialism in our schools.”

He has called on his congregation to aggressively boycott the website, a move that seems to have backfired, driving a strong portion of his assemblage for a peek at the sinning satire.

“In apprehension of immoral profits pouring in with this expanding circulation and escalating appeal we have mucked out our offices and now have electricity and running water in the building,” said a front office source familiar with these developments.

DeHaviland then laughed out loud, vehemently denying accusations that the Horseshoe had purchased new drapes, light fixtures, carpet and sheets for all the desks.

-Fred Zeppelin