Forest Service Seeks Public Input on Pine Beetle Epidemic

(Ouray, CO — Bark Worse Than Bite Press — October 12, 2016)

Warm winter weather that has lingered for almost two decades is allowing mountain pine beetles to have their way with lodge pole, ponderosa, Scotch and limber pine trees all over the Rockies. For centuries the cold killed them off and kept the population in check but no more.

Now they are even munching on bristlecone and pinon pines. The Department of the Interior is alarmed and is looking for a solution.

“Our pleasant winter climate has allowed these bastards to flourish at the expense of our forests,” said one frustrated gov’ment biologist. “Traditional predators such as woodpeckers, moles. shrews, mice, skunks (they think the larvae is yummy) birds and frogs have dropped the ball somewhere along the food chain. Now it’s all on us and we don’t have a clue how to proceed.”

Rumors abound as to the answers. One anecdote suggests that a secret plan to release millions of unspecified or anonymous predators is in the works for November. Another says word-burning restrictions would be relaxed so as to clean up all the dead wood and avoid next year’s forest fires. Drones and robots have graced he mix with no visible changes and lots of misdirected tittle-tattle. According to a USFS statement:

Popcorn-shaped masses of resin, called pitch-tubes, which may be brown, pink or white in color, will be found on the trunk where the beetle began tunneling. Boring dust may be found in bark crevices or on the ground immediately adjacent to the tree base. Evidence of woodpeckers feeding on the trunk may indicate MPB infestation. Patches of bark may be missing where the woodpecker was feeding, and bark flakes may be found on the ground below the tree. These symptoms are similar to the other less destructive beetles, so property owners are urged to properly identify the beetles you find associated with their trees before deciding on treatment.

“Getting rid of these parasites is akin to ending ISIS,” said one Silverton man who favors carpet-bombing the national forests, “but you must strike at the core not just control the symptoms.

Other less drastic methods include replanting the regions with plastic trees or moving the whole shooting match to Nebraska.

– Melvin O’Toole