Faithful Encouraged to Shed Pounds Come Judgment Day

(Celestial Acres   Special from Vacant Lot Magazine   November 29, 2016)

The Good Folk, an inordinate number of whom are obese, are reminded that it might improve their eternal status to drop a few pounds before meeting their maker. Saying that these creatures are more likely to be hit by lightning or a meteor than their thinner compatriots.

In an emotional sermon  the often flamboyant Rev. Phil Pharisee told his congregation that “your bodies are Temples of the Holy Spirit and that the heavenly hosts would not look too kindly on abuse of this kind. The preacher stopped short of saying there is no room in heaven for the chubby, as he has in previous outbursts.

“Jesus was skinny and so were his apostles,” said Pharisee. “They ate loaves and fishes, not fast food. They took care of their bodies according to the teachings of the Old Testament and adapted their regimen to the New Testament. Many of you have trouble getting out of your cars and can barely fit through the doors of this strip mall cathedral,” he bellowed. “I don’t care if you are the best Christian on earth! I don’t care if you pray all day! I don’t care that you rebuke Satan! The Pearly Gates are only so wide.”

Pharisee, who weighs in at a little over 112 pounds, has been particularly critical of his portly brethren since opening his devotional hallway in the Paradise Mall on the outskirts of town. He is best known for his popular television program Baptist Bartender that continues to run in the South and Midwest. His best-selling book The Missionary Position on UFOs has sold millions of copies.

Spiritual competitors say Pharisee is a charlatan who is only in the religion business for the money. An unresolved lawsuit brought by Angel Hair Trailer Park (the site of his last church) asserts that he left unpaid utility bills and holes in the bathroom walls. According to a prosecuting attorney here Pharisee left a trail of bad debts saying that The Lord would pay his creditors when he returns for the Rapture or Second Coming.

“That’s going to be one hell of a party,” he snickered, which will separate the true believers from the charlatans.”

– Pepper Salte