DRIVING INSTRUCTOR JUMPS FROM BUILDING

(Montrose) A veteran driving instructor was slightly injured last night in an apparent suicide attempt here. Jack Spratt, 56, allegedly jumped from the top of the Masonic Building on Main Street as a small crowd watched.

According to an eyewitness account the suspect hurled himself downward in a sort of neurotic swan dive, did two flips in the air, than braced himself in a ball before crashing into a minivan full of pottery parked on the street.

“The distance that he fell could not have been more than 50 feet,” said Estelle Marmotbreath, a fry cook at Kentucky Fried Chicken, who just happened by on the way home from work. “If he really wanted to do the job right he would have jumped into the Black Canyon or attempted to negotiate a crosswalk downtown.”

Spratt had reportedly been distraught of late due to the amount of traffic that had descended on the once peaceful city of Montrose. Close friends indicated that he was also upset by the quality of driving and the rudeness of many drivers here.

“The other day some elderly woman on her way to bingo flipped him off, then, a few moments later he was run off the road by a turbo-charged turnip cart with Olathe plates,” said a neighbor. “He just couldn’t handle the stress anymore.”

Another development said to have depressed Spratt was the disclosure that city engineers had completed the blueprints for the Grandjunktification of Montrose by 2001.

“Already the Wal-Mart sector has begun to look a lot like the Mesa Mall quadrant,” said a spokesman for the city. “What can we do about it? Besides, there gold in them thar’ sprawls.” – Uncle Pahgre