Cruz would seize Ottawa by February

(Houston-on-Gulf  Fantasy Land Press  – November 1, 2016)

Early action on the part of fantasy league President Ted Cruz will be the seizure of the Canadian capital at Ottawa, it was disclosed today. The military conquest of Canada, which would begin with the carpet-bombing of Ontario, would soon result in quick capitulation, according to aides loyal to Cruz.

The three-pronged assault, top secret until yesterday, would feature nautical landings on Lake Erie and Huron; tank advances into the Rockies and a frontal attack across the St Lawrence River Valley. Tagged Operation Barbarella, the blitzkrieg would result in a Canada on her knees eager to capitulate.

The meganation, just to the north of the United States, became a target priority due to the rise of liberal-communist government and its desire to legalize marijuana in 2017. That status is particularly aggravated by reluctance on the part of the new government to crack down on socialism and atheists.

It is also one of the few countries that Cruz supporters could successfully locate on a world map.

Since Canada is the birthplace of this great evangelical marvel, the inevitable comparison with the Anschuss with Austria has evolved. In 1938 Adolf Hitler grabbed his birthplace of Austria, annexing it to Germany. Many historians add that Cruz will employ the same snake oil used by Hitler when the artillery assault begins.

Afterwards, Canada would be stripped of all resources, mined, fracked, harvested, plowed and blacktopped by corporate deacon crews. The extreme northern reaches are to be sold off to Russia, all treaties with native peoples rescinded, Canadian bacon would be genetically modified, all beer brewed above the former international border would be watered down. Hockey would be banned on Sundays as a punitive measure.

The detailed blueprint for this confiscation is painfully chronicled in a tight, minute-to-minute fashion. More churches and prisons would be built in the ashes while schools and Planned Parenthood clinics would be torched along with libraries.

French populations in Quebec would be deported to make room for arriving Evangelical farmers from the U.S. Wall Street tycoon and wife of Ted, Heidi Cruz would oversee the banking system until it could be systematically strangled and finally terminated in 2018.

Meanwhile voices from the rich Canadian yolk cry out. “How could he do this to us? We were so good to him.”

“The Sudetenland…er I mean Alberta, would provide us with the breadbasket necessary to impose our will on the rest of humanity,” said Cruz from a shrimp boat in Houston. “I will personally arrest this Communist President Thoreau or whatever his name is, and settle the godless frolic that is today’s Canada!”

“Soon Canada would assimilate and become part of the greater nation giving us 61 states which has been clearly foretold in scripture. (Ted Verse 45: 22-27) “Never let an opportunity pass before thee. They are the blind children of lies and follies and will always run to the rabbit hole when danger lingers. Be that rabbit hole.”

Cruz did not coment on a rumor moving the capital to Winnipeg so it can be easily defended in the event of a nuclear strike.

– Susie Compost