CRESTED BUTTE CHESTNUTS

(December 20, 2016  —  with your host, Melvin Tooltide)

Molly Missing

It looks like curtains for Amax Mining Company and its plan to mine Red Lady. According to the massive corporation someone has stolen all the molybdenum from the proposed site. It was not clear who was responsible for the theft or how they managed to pull off such a feat without detection by local law enforcement personnel.

“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” said an exited member of the High Country Citizens Alliance, a group that has fought Amax since the 70s.

Apparently the moly was illegally extracted from Red Lady without so much as a scratch to the mountain. It was then hauled over Kebler to an undisclosed landing strip and flown to freedom elsewhere.

“I don’t believe it,” said one Crested Butte town councilman. “Now we can resume our ancient priorities and use all that water to make snow.”

No one at any level of authority would comment on CBMR’s plan to build 40,000 new condo eunuchs at the base of Yellow River and additional affordable employee housing at the top of Teocali Lift.

“At least skiing is environmentally sound,” said one walking press release.
The Amax Corporation promised to get to the bottom of the heist and bring the criminal element to heal.

“Claim jumping will not be tolerated,” said one mine boss.

CBMR to purchase “feeder college”

Crested Butte Mountain Resort announced plans to purchase Western State University as a feeder facility by the end of the month. Although details are sketchy it appears that the ski resort wants to assure the presence of skier days and provide a place to educate the public as to space charges.

“We don’t know what space charges are but we’ll be offering an academic explanation real damn soon,” said Dr. Ethel Marmotbreath, coordinator of the controversial acquisition.

“The formula is elusive but has something to do with the multiplication of .0175 by the number of college grads flipping burgers in the Gunnison Valley. Now when students cut morning classes they can buy a half day ticket and nobody will tell their parents.”

Feds Allocate millions in search of Buttheads

Despite an image as anti-cloning, the White House has put aside an additional 3.4 million dollars earmarked for canine potty control in the nation’s ski towns. At present the research has bogged down and proponents of the program now say they’ll need more money to finish the job.

“What began as a ridiculous result of hands-on gov’ment meddling has now stranded itself in the alleys and vacant lots of towns like Crested Butte,” said Rocky Flats, blueprint specialist attached to the Department of the Inferior. “It’s simple…Either we extend cleanup efforts or go right to the source of the problem. Normally we can skate through March but on a light snow year we could all be up Shiite Creek.”

How or when local dogs will be hermetically sealed and subject to inspection was not disclosed. Flats, who made millions marketing marmot dung as the aphrodisiac of the 90s, the program will give new meaning to “the big dump”.

Interested parties can offer their input by stopping by the departmental offices located inside the Pooper Park Chalet anytime between now and Valentine’s Day.

– Tommy Moddlefinger