2014 Snowboarder Calendar Features Five Saturdays

(Jack’s Cabin) A brand new calendar based on peanut butter, hot dogs and skier days will offer extra weekend time and a summer season that stretches from April through November according sources around and about here.

The timepiece, dubbed the Alpha Snowboarder Calendar will offer an extra Saturday each month and promises that the luxurious Rocky Mountain summer will be extended beyond our wildest imagination.

We have manipulated the universe so as to nail down at least six months of real summer,” said Al Earthy, a snowboarder and part-time prep cook/thief. “We’re not throwing around a lot verbiage here either,” added Earthy. “We’re talking about six months where the daytime temperatures will hang in there at the 75-degree range.”

Persons interested in adopting such a calendar should show up at the Crested Butte Town Hall on April 3 with all of their old calendars in tow.

“We’ll be accepting old calendars in trade up through May 1 and then we’ll have to start charging minimal fees for the new ones at that time,” said Earthy.

Bronco Tickets No Longer Covered

(Denver)Most health insurance programs no longer cover the cost of season or single Bronco tickets. According to the American Association of Insurance Brokers, distractions of this type while healthy enough on their own cannot be considered medical treatment and therefore are excluded from almost all policies.

“One could probably arrange for a policy that would cover sports entertainment costs,” said Sam Spleene, a former tobacco lobbyists who now heads up Mortality Mutual, a multi-billion dollar insurance and investment firm which serves breakfast Tuesdays through Fridays. Headquartered behind Spleene’s Auto Salvage, a known scalpers’ haven, Mortality Mutual has offered Bronco and Rockies tickets as sales incentives for the past two years.

Insurance spokesman say the tougher restrictions were part of a general crackdown on abuses within the industry.

Hillbillies Hijack Plane

(Owensboro, KY) Two known hillbillies have reportedly pirated a twin-engine Cessna while in flight from Lexington to Louisville. The two suspects, identified as twin brothers Delbert and Regis MacBrowne, of Bowling Green, apparently grabbed the wheel of the aircraft as it lifted off earlier this morning.

In a statement released just moments ago, the two hijackers assured reporters that the plane’s passengers were in no danger and that they would land as soon as they ran out of fuel. FBI and FAA officials, working together on the caper, fear that the two will seek refuge in Alabama where they have already petitioned for political asylum.

Readers may recall that the MacBrowne brothers were linked to the theft of bass boats, buses, U-haul trailers, and a small helicopter over the past decade. Although spit-shine indicted, neither has spent time behind bars due to chronic crowding and bogged-down courts. Regis is currently wanted in North Carolina for illegal farm sausage making and nude sun bathing while his older, and purportedly better-looking, brother recently escaped from a maximum security holding tank by floating the Tennessee River on a piece of aluminum siding wearing nothing but a child’s snorkel and his familiar Chew Red Man cap. He had been serving consecutive sentences of five years for moon shining and insider trading at the local feed mill.

Authorities have had no success in contacting cousins of the men who live somewhere in jerkwater West Virginia and have, over the years, gained the trust and confidence of the two air pirates. Locals in the Mountain State say the MacBrowns will listen to kin and police hope that the infusion of a little common sense might bring the matter to a swift conclusion.

“These people are stubborn and if we’re ever going to get them to land they must think it’s their idea,” said one FAA official. “It appears clear that the other passengers are in no jeopardy, in fact they seem to be enjoying the incident.  During our last communication we could overhear Delbert leading them in a rendition of the popular Tammy Wynette classic, “Stand By Your Man” followed up by several Minnie Pearl, Little Richard, Burl Ives, Bob Marley combos. From all indications the craft’s small service bar is open.”

An FBI spokesman today confirmed reports that the two had indeed taken themselves hostage and that demands for gourmet breakfast meats and clean socks would be considered only after arrangements for the safe return of plane and passengers had been finalized.

“You’re dealing with two desperate briar hoppers* here,” said Elda MacBrowne, Eastern Kentucky soothsayer and ex-wife of Regis. “Back up here in the hollow we don’t cotton to a lot of airplanes flying around. They scare the chickens. I don’t know how the boys learned to fly. Must have been in jail. Delbert has problems riding a bicycle. We just hope that their message, whatever it could be, is spelled properly and reaches the right sets of ears.”

The MacBrowne woman then suggested that if the authorities just sit tight the brothers would sooner of later return to earth.

“I know for certain that Regis can’t be away from his dog for long periods of time and that Delbert gets air sick,” she smiled. “Besides that squirrel season opens Monday and they haven’t missed an opening day in 35 years.”                                                                                 – Herb Ditchwater

* term of extreme endearment

“The script sits. The writer’s translated into ink what is in his spirit and his soul and his mind. Boom. I come along, I pick it up, and the ink goes into my eyes, into my mind, into my body, flows around and that part starts to inhabit me. And I know a good part when I see one.” — Peter O’Toole”

700-pound woman falls from tree

(Manana) A large unidentified woman crashed to the ground here yesterday, ejecting from a small aspen tree that promised to support her mass no more. Although there were no serious injuries reported, a large crater, estimated to be as large as downtown Olathe, represented the residue of the incident.

People reported feeling the repercussions as far away as Peach Valley. How the subject managed to climb the tree was not clear. Police suspect she might have done it at night under the cover of darkness.

“We see far more of these incidents this time of the year since fewer people climb trees in winter and fall,” said one officer on the scene. We have filed charges of reckless endangerment and operating a vehicle without proper paperwork.”

Already groups in solidarity with the weight disadvantaged have pledged to protest the criminal charges. They suggest that the owner of the tree should have placed warnings on and around the aspen.

“Someone could really get hurt,” said Wardine Schmelte, an advocate of the chubby. “We hope to make an example out of this irresponsible disregard for public safety.”

The victim of the fall attributes her weight to hours of television, mounds of fast food and over 45 diet pops reputedly consumed each day.

“It’s not easy being 500 pounds overweight,” said a eyewitness. “But the next time she should at least get clearance from local air traffic controllers.”

Police admit that the use of a safety belt may not have made any difference in the calamity. The tree is in stable condition this morning at the Montrose Memorial Nursery.

The woman’s name will not be released until the hole is filled.

–       Fred Zeppelin

Surfing Club Liquidates

The last regular meeting of the Western State Surfing Club was held at the Aspinall-Wilson Center last night. The organization, chartered in 1919 by veterans of World War I, reached its peak in 1963 when it boasted some 300 members. That year the club brought The Beach Boys, Jan & Dean, The Ventures, Dick Dale, The Surfaris, The Sun Rays, Ronny & The Daytonas and The Trashmen to the campus. Over the years members have traveled to such exotic spots as Chile, Hawaii and the Canary Islands in search of the perfect wave.

The executive board decided to disband since nobody attends the meetings anymore.

“Students are far more interested in snowboarding than surfing around here,” said a former member. “It’s the instant gratification thing. There’s a great ski area 28 miles to the north and good surfing spots the ocean are at least a thousand miles from here.”

Excess funds, leftover from operations, remain in a secret Swiss bank account and may go toward the 2014 whitewashing of the W on a nearby mountain top.

Candidate suggests trading refugees

(Washington) In what critics are calling an innovative approach to a long-standing crisis, Republican semi-candidate Steve Forbes has suggested social grace over top heavy diplomacy.

His idea is simple: Don’t stack up refugees in muddy, lice-ridden camps in contested areas. Ship them far away where adversaries are few and old wounds aren’t quite so evident.

“Steve talks about sending 3,000 Syrians to East Timor and a boatload of Rwandans to Chiapas,” said a campaign source. “He thinks it will relieve the pressure in trouble spots, giving divine right advocates in the West solve ancient problems. Compared to the present policies it may not be so far fetched.”
Forbes, a multi-millionaire accustomed to taking assorted vacations says the refugees might enjoy the change in that most don’t have the time and/or money to see the world.

“Talk about throwing money at a problem,” quipped Presidential front runner Ted “Santa” Cruise. “Maybe Steve thinks the refugees will simply disappear en route thus solving another problem while the sun goes down. It’s nuts. They just won’t cooperate and fall through the cracks. I say keep the refugees inside the barb wire fences and feed them from large bags of grain and flower like during the Berlin Airlift. What’s wrong with that?”

Other detractors say Forbes is the product of affluence and does not understand the concept of destitute.

“He thinks refugees have credit cards,” said one Congressional Democrat, on his way out the Senate door for yet another recess.

“Forbes has not even considered the burdens placed on cruise lines or the calculation of frequent flyer miles that would certainly emerge in the residue of his elitist solutions,” he added. – Suzie Compost 

Uncle Ben defects to China

(Denver) Longtime American icon and third cousin to former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Uncle Ben (no last name given), has reportedly fled the US for the People’s Republic of China where he has allegedly applied for political asylum.

The defection is believed to be linked to Uncle Ben’s efforts to avoid serving concurrent prison sentences for tax evasion and alleged conspiracy to sell top-secret rice recipes to Vietnam. According to attorneys for the rice icon their former client flew to Hanoi via Havana on Friday without their knowledge. In addition they insist that Uncle Ben could have easily beaten the tax evasion rap had he stuck around.

“In a country where everyone attempts to avoid paying taxes why did the Department of the Treasury decide to go after a kindly, old man like Ben?” asked one lawyer. “Indications are that this was not a random audit and that many other pre-civil rights Blacks have been called on the carpet by the IRS.”

The estrangement is viewed by any as a slap in the face to the Obama Administration which had once considered Uncle Ben for a position with the Department of Homeland Security. Only two months ago the converted rice expert was a guest at the White House.

A spokesperson for Condoleezza Rice said Uncle Ben had been ostracized by Rice family members over the holidays for his well documented haughty Hunan attitude and elitist political views as to feeding the world.

“In no way should Ms. Rice be hauled over the coals due to the blatant indiscretions of distant relatives,” said the spokesperson. “That would be like blaming Oprah Winfrey for Amos and Andy or the war in the Congo.”

When contacted the Chinese Consulate here denied all knowledge of the defection saying it would release a statement after fluffing the rice.   – Gabby Haze

Thanksgiving To Be Celebrated on Mondays Next Year

(Washington) The federal government has decided to make Thanksgiving a Monday holiday in keeping with its concept of uniformity. The holiday, in which citizens give thanks for the year’s blessings, has been celebrated on Thursday since its inception in 1623.

In 1789 George Washington issued a general proclamation for a day of thanks. That same year the Episcopal Church announced that the first Thursday in November would be a regular holiday, “unless another day be appointed by civil authorities”. In 1855 soon-to-be Confederate Virginia adopted the custom of a Thanksgiving Day. Ironically enough it was Unionist, Abraham Lincoln who proclaimed Thanksgiving as the last Thursday of the month in 1863. In 1941 Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday would be observed as a legal holiday. In Canada the holiday is celebrated in October unless the Blue Jays or Expos get into the World Series.

“It’s that part about civil authorities that fouls up the muffins,” said one traditionalist who feels this country needs all the culture it can get.

“Why fool with a good thing like Thanksgiving. Aren’t there more pressing social issues to deal with here?” he spat.

Persons wishing to continue the Thursday celebration have been hereby informed that they are doing so outside the law.

“These rogue turkey day revelers must be brought to heel,” said Congressman Oral Noise, who first penned the proposal. “The next thing you know they’ll want to celebrate the Fourth of July on the fourth of July. Bunch of damn communists!”

Sources here feel that the population will put up a fight in the early rounds but succumb to the homogenized version of Thanksgiving before long.

“We’ll indoctrinate the school children first and then frighten the elderly into submission,” said Noise. “And if we have further problems we’ll put a tariff on pumpkin pie.”   – Melvin Toole