All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Candidate suggests trading refugees
(Washington) In what critics are calling an innovative approach to a long-standing crisis, Republican semi-candidate Steve Forbes has suggested social grace over top heavy diplomacy.
His idea is simple: Don’t stack up refugees in muddy, lice-ridden camps in contested areas. Ship them far away where adversaries are few and old wounds aren’t quite so evident.
“Steve talks about sending 3,000 Syrians to East Timor and a boatload of Rwandans to Chiapas,” said a campaign source. “He thinks it will relieve the pressure in trouble spots, giving divine right advocates in the West solve ancient problems. Compared to the present policies it may not be so far fetched.”
Forbes, a multi-millionaire accustomed to taking assorted vacations says the refugees might enjoy the change in that most don’t have the time and/or money to see the world.
“Talk about throwing money at a problem,” quipped Presidential front runner Ted “Santa” Cruise. “Maybe Steve thinks the refugees will simply disappear en route thus solving another problem while the sun goes down. It’s nuts. They just won’t cooperate and fall through the cracks. I say keep the refugees inside the barb wire fences and feed them from large bags of grain and flower like during the Berlin Airlift. What’s wrong with that?”
Other detractors say Forbes is the product of affluence and does not understand the concept of destitute.
“He thinks refugees have credit cards,” said one Congressional Democrat, on his way out the Senate door for yet another recess.
“Forbes has not even considered the burdens placed on cruise lines or the calculation of frequent flyer miles that would certainly emerge in the residue of his elitist solutions,” he added. – Suzie Compost
Uncle Ben defects to China
(Denver) Longtime American icon and third cousin to former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Uncle Ben (no last name given), has reportedly fled the US for the People’s Republic of China where he has allegedly applied for political asylum.
The defection is believed to be linked to Uncle Ben’s efforts to avoid serving concurrent prison sentences for tax evasion and alleged conspiracy to sell top-secret rice recipes to Vietnam. According to attorneys for the rice icon their former client flew to Hanoi via Havana on Friday without their knowledge. In addition they insist that Uncle Ben could have easily beaten the tax evasion rap had he stuck around.
“In a country where everyone attempts to avoid paying taxes why did the Department of the Treasury decide to go after a kindly, old man like Ben?” asked one lawyer. “Indications are that this was not a random audit and that many other pre-civil rights Blacks have been called on the carpet by the IRS.”
The estrangement is viewed by any as a slap in the face to the Obama Administration which had once considered Uncle Ben for a position with the Department of Homeland Security. Only two months ago the converted rice expert was a guest at the White House.
A spokesperson for Condoleezza Rice said Uncle Ben had been ostracized by Rice family members over the holidays for his well documented haughty Hunan attitude and elitist political views as to feeding the world.
“In no way should Ms. Rice be hauled over the coals due to the blatant indiscretions of distant relatives,” said the spokesperson. “That would be like blaming Oprah Winfrey for Amos and Andy or the war in the Congo.”
When contacted the Chinese Consulate here denied all knowledge of the defection saying it would release a statement after fluffing the rice. – Gabby Haze
Thanksgiving To Be Celebrated on Mondays Next Year
(Washington) The federal government has decided to make Thanksgiving a Monday holiday in keeping with its concept of uniformity. The holiday, in which citizens give thanks for the year’s blessings, has been celebrated on Thursday since its inception in 1623.
In 1789 George Washington issued a general proclamation for a day of thanks. That same year the Episcopal Church announced that the first Thursday in November would be a regular holiday, “unless another day be appointed by civil authorities”. In 1855 soon-to-be Confederate Virginia adopted the custom of a Thanksgiving Day. Ironically enough it was Unionist, Abraham Lincoln who proclaimed Thanksgiving as the last Thursday of the month in 1863. In 1941 Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday would be observed as a legal holiday. In Canada the holiday is celebrated in October unless the Blue Jays or Expos get into the World Series.
“It’s that part about civil authorities that fouls up the muffins,” said one traditionalist who feels this country needs all the culture it can get.
“Why fool with a good thing like Thanksgiving. Aren’t there more pressing social issues to deal with here?” he spat.
Persons wishing to continue the Thursday celebration have been hereby informed that they are doing so outside the law.
“These rogue turkey day revelers must be brought to heel,” said Congressman Oral Noise, who first penned the proposal. “The next thing you know they’ll want to celebrate the Fourth of July on the fourth of July. Bunch of damn communists!”
Sources here feel that the population will put up a fight in the early rounds but succumb to the homogenized version of Thanksgiving before long.
“We’ll indoctrinate the school children first and then frighten the elderly into submission,” said Noise. “And if we have further problems we’ll put a tariff on pumpkin pie.” – Melvin Toole
IRAQ ACCUSED OF SELLING ROCKS TO PALESTINIAN INSURGENTS
Red China Too
(Jerusalem) Rogue nation Iraq has been blamed for instigating violence on the West Bank and Gaza.
According to a combined U.S.-Israeli report Baghdad has been supplying Palestinian protesters with rocks which are then thrown at the Israeli army. According to the investigation the soldiers, armed to the teeth with the most sophisticated weaponry on earth, have little choice but to return the fire.
“We found piles of rocks in a PLO headquarters that survived a missile attack Monday,” said one state department official. After a geological examination, it was concluded that they came from the Zagros Mountains and the Tigres River.”
“This is the most blatant act of aggression against Israel since militant Lebanese Muslims resettled southern Lebanon after Israeli troops withdrew from the occupied territory in August.
Although Palestine has to be considered a very rocky region, Israeli security forces have been surprised at the arsenals employed by Palestinian mobs. Despite the strategic confiscation of these weapons the insurgents appear to be well-armed.
“If they start throwing bigger rocks we may be forced to use tanks or even nuclear weaponry to quell the disturbances,” said one Israeli general who claimed that the current government there was not doing enough to control the rabble.
According to a story in the New York Times many Arab nations feel that Israel is the terrorist and that the Palestinians deserve the homeland that was taken away from them following World War II.
“We suspect that Syria and Iran are sending rocks as well and that jihad forces in South Lebanon are smuggling sling-shots across the border into Galilee. – Rocky Flats
TOWN CLOCK TO RUN 24 HOURS
(Ouray) Thanks to a grant from the Daylight Savings/Second Homeowners Club, the Ouray Town Clock will now keep time for the entire day. Due to a shortage of funds the time piece has been shutting down at approximately 4:12 am each day forcing city employees to reset the thing later in the morning.
“It’s a dangerous climb especially in winter,” said an official here, “but the chore is also a rite of passage for the younger workers.”
Traditionally the employee with the least seniority inherits the task when the clock runs short of juice.
“Imagine the affect on tourism if the clock was stuck at 4:12 when the sun came up,” said the source. “It would ruin their vacations. Most would opt for Disneyland or Las Vegas instead of coming to Ouray.”
Shorter Terms For Congress on Docket
TWO WEEKS?
(Washington) When the Congress meets again the members will be chatting about more than the recent election. They’ll be talking about campaign financing and where to get some. They’ll be arguing about foreign policy and where to get some.
They’ll even be talking about term limits.
Before the break it had come down to common sense (and where to get some). Define the problem: Pork barrel promises kept, and all those years to fill pretending to accomplish something while out campaigning to get elected again. Good money…good working conditions. Shake a few paws, kiss a few babies. Power.
“What about two week terms?” asked one rookie Congressman still wet behind the amendments.
“Two weeks? Wasn’t that a movie with Mickey O’Rourke or somebody?” was the response.
“It’s concise,” offered one supporter, “and it would give us more time to spend campaigning.
“Yes, I think you’ve got something there but will the public buy it?” asked a third.
“They’ve bought it so far. Just throw in a few mentions of democracy and wave the flag…maybe a brass band and free tickets to the coliseum… I mean circus…”
“Let’s put it to a vote…Aye or Nay,” said a veteran of these things. “The last thing we need is a filibuster. I’m not willing to miss dinner again. These Washington pizzas just aren’t as good as the ones back home in New Jersey.”
Finally the Speaker restates the proposal for those who have not already nodded off the sleep:
“Bill Number 48839 proposes that all Congressional Terms be limited to no more than two weeks. This will create a time period of inactivity (5 years and 50 weeks for Senators and a substantially shorter term for Representatives). Is there discussion?”
An ancient Senator is helped to the podium.
“I forget what I’m doing here,” he starts, his aide whispering the issue into his one good ear. “Oh, yes, term limitations…Will they interrupt my nap? Back when I was in the electoral college girls and boys didn’t live in the same dorms…”
Another Congressman snaps: “This is another waste of the taxpayers’ money! I have questions for the legislators assembled here: Will there be enough time to placate the special interests in just two weeks? Will the sacred pork barrel runneth dry?”
Everyone in the body looked at each other blankly.
“Yes, and will we get a chance to ride around Washington in our Congressional limos? Can we expect to make the contacts necessary to land a lucrative lobbyist position in just two weeks? Can we hope to vote ourselves another pay raise in that time period?”
The Speaker interrupts.
“These are pertinent questions that we must answered before further pursuing a final vote,” he stressed. “But in today’s arena we cannot simply withdraw to the proverbial smoky room like before. It’s politically incorrect. The voters will think we’re backing the tobacco lobby.”
After a few minutes a vote was taken and the amendment passed. Two week terms with long recesses and more fact finding trips to places like Monaco and Fiji. Salaries unaffected. Retirement packages quite substantial. Power.
“I’m confidant the House will go along with this. Now if we can only convince the President to follow suit…” said one member of Congress, “we might finally a responsive government.” – Kashmir Horseshoe
