All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Good Advice
By Rev. Phillip Pharisee
Hello friends and special patrons. Welcome to Cousin Phil’s Sanctimonious Salvation Parlor and Halfway Lunch Counter.
We are pleased to see that so many of you negotiated the little windshield flyers and found us in the right strip mall so “Come on in for a cup of java and a rap at the hip quick-way-to-paradise church and progressive pyramid accounting temple.
But never you mind the details. We’ll take care of everything whether its your eternal soul or the souls of those worn out penny loafers.
Today I’d like to remind the faithful that we must honor and protect His gifts that I am bestowing on the deserving among you. We must be in awe of His universe and not take these wonderful handouts for granted. The entire Creation is yours to enjoy at the top of the pecking order. The pagans and the other species can have what is left when you are done with it.
Now, friends have asked: “Rev. Pharisee, how can I protect the vast universe when I can’t even see it?”
The answers to that and a lot of other pertinent questions about faith and hope can be answered in my newest self-published paperback “The Heathen and Heaven” where I lay it down so that anyone can grasp the keen relationships between God and man. It can be purchased right along with your lunch today.
We all spend far too much time chasing the almighty dollar when we should be chasing the Almighty Himself. We ignore His gifts and place them as secondary in our unbalanced set of priorities. A blade of grass for instance: have you ever really looked closely at one? It is perfectly proportioned. Did it come from a monkey too? Certainly not!
Only He and His wisdom could offer this fine congregation something on such a grand scale. It’s a virtual miracle.
Choose the man from Montrose, Colorado
Hint: It isn’t former Attorney General Eric Holder. Guess correctly and you could win a new car!
EDITORIAL #611
Snow balls a menace to the peace
During recent visits to Crested Butte we have repeatedly been shocked to see juveniles engaging in the inappropriate behavior of snowball throwing. It would be bad enough if these junior scoundrels were simply battling it out among themselves, but they have encouraged the combat to cross over into other, more moral segments of society.
Haven’t we come any farther than this? Are we still like monkeys hanging out of bark-infested trees hurling coconuts at four-legged beasts sentenced to the cruelties of gravity? Is there no law and order? Will no one stand up and be counted?
It’s getting so that one does not even see the traditional beaver pelt stovepipe top hat on the street anymore. We cannot blame the occupants of this fashionable, flamboyant headgear for succumbing to the icy threats of street punks, scarf-masked thugs and pre-pubescent hooligans.
Why just this morning on Whitrock Avenue, a gentleman, attempting to negotiate the stairs at Snyder’s Shed and Breakfast was accosted by alley urchins armed with snowballs. Before he could duck back into the familiar confines of his redoubt they were on him, pelting him with the little arctic missiles, knocking his hat to the ground, purposely upsetting his daily constitution, causing him considerable injustice.
Some of these little criminals even travel with dogs.
Will we the responsible members of society just sit back and wait until our civilization tumbles into the abyss? Remember the Saracens? Remember Chamberlain and Czechoslovakia?
The solution, although awkward, is a simple one: Remove the projectiles of this roughhewn subculture by removing the fallen snow. The town already has the trucks. Let’s get on with it and look forward to a more peaceful, secure tomorrow for everyone. And while we’re at it let’s go ahead and get rid of the dogs and kids too.
– Fred Zeppelin
Unemployment drops to -3.5%
(Warshington Dec 30, 2016) Good news hit the wires this morning as the latest federal statistics indicate the unemployment rate to be well below zero. Although no one in authority could explain this startling development most have taken credit for the improvement.
“Right now we have about a 3.5% edge when it comes to the employment picture,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “We don’t know what the future holds, but for right now things are certainly looking up.”
Economists remain cynical over methods used by the feds to determine this status.
“We think there are a lot of people out there holding down two, maybe three minimum wage positions,” said one financial expert. “Unfortunately that doesn’t mean they aren’t living on the street or in their cars.”
Members of Congress, away on Christmas recess, were quick to accept the credit for this shift. Many feel the statistics indicate that they are doing a good job on the domestic scene.
“It’s all quite clear to me that our policies are working,” added Noise. “It just goes to prove that millionaires can be responsive to the needs of the peasantry.”
Leading mathematicians, however, remain baffled as to how the government arrived at these numbers.
-Mel Toole
My Christmas present arrived last August
Declan Martin Haley getting into the Yuletide flow with a friend on his first Christmas – photo by Michelle Haley
