All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Brush Strokes
with Toole of the Andes
Guillotine replacement parts delivered to your basement or bunker. Bonded. Winter Special: Spend $200 and receive 5 little whicker baskets free of charge. Heads above the rest in service. www.robespierretech.com or see our ad in the Jello Pages.
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Fishing gone south so open a Fish Museum. Farming not profitable: Begin ah-tourism visits to Real Farms! Tree Museums? MINE TOURS? Breathing salons? ’57 Chevy simulated cruising in 1959?
Math Corner: If John spends 83% of his time watching FOX News how much time would he then have to post rants and polarizing statements on Facebook? 37%? 27% 74% OR 7% What about Mary? Would she think for herself the voting booth or simply vote the way John tells her to vote?
Can you last three rounds with Stephen Miler, the Joseph Goebbels of the current Administration? No prize money – jus the enjoyment of beating the shit out of a nazi racist pig. Watch out though. He probably has a razor in his boot.
“An evangelist should be careful not to identify the Gospel with any one particular political program or culture,” – Billy Graham, following the Watergate indictment of Richard Nixon.
We’d like to have a moment of meditation for our dear friend the departed colleague John Music: “Bugha Bugha.” Thank you for your patience.
Adopt a Congressman! The corporations certainly have.
TRUMP APRUEBA PUTIN PARA EL PRESIDENTE
Poniendo fin al temor de que apoyaría a Vladimir Putin como Presidente de los Estados Unidos, Donald Trump apoyó hoy al líder ruso como Presidente de la Federación Rusa.
Si bien los analistas de la Unión Europea sugieren que Putin no necesita mucha ayuda en su intento de reelección, “siempre existe la posibilidad de que no sea elegido y se verá obligado a asumir su control de hierro a través de canales más subrepticios.
“Putin dirigirá el programa aquí sin importar cómo resulte la votación”, dijo el líder opositor Alexey Navalny, un prominente activista anticorrupción, a quien se le prohibió postularse a la presidencia luego de lo que muchos consideran como una convicción fraudulenta inventada.
Las encuestas indican que Putin, un ex teniente coronel de la KGB, es un ganador seguro a pesar de las charadas que acompañan a las elecciones. Ha estado en el poder durante 18 años y ha llevado a Rusia desde el caos de Glasnost a un estado totalitario como el de un zar, donde no se tolera la protesta política.
“¿Qué es un poco de piratería, dopaje, gangsterismo, sanciones impuestas entre amigos?”, Dijo la declaración de la Casa Blanca.
“Aplaudimos la resistencia de Putin y su manejo de la prensa y de otros disidentes. Putin ha estado en control desde 1999, convirtiéndolo en el gobernante ruso más veterano desde Joseph Stalin y su infame bigote / bigote, que comenzó después de la Ofensiva Kerensky.
What you need in Antioquia, Colombia (minus the arepas)
The basic accessories for a Colombian cowboy in the High Andes town of El Jardin. A sombrero and a ruana go a long way toward protection from the fierce sun. (Antioquians just add machete and horse to individual taste).
Monsanto will distribute medical marijuana in most states
(Washington) In an attempt to get a grip on the citizen demands to legalize marijuana in more than 20 states the White House has announced a merger with the Monsanto Corporation that would clear the way for the chemical giant to sell pot. We have designated our friends over at Monsanto as exclusive agent for cannabis production and distribution.
“We are pleased to put this controversial drug in the hands of a responsible party that sincerely cares for the health of our constituents,” said a press release found under the office door this morning.
In what is estimated to be a lucrative, billion dollar contract Monsanto agrees to grow and distribute marijuana through exiting channels and add more convenience stops as the year progresses. Whether options will be available in states where the drug is already legal is slated to be discussed Wednesday.
“We see ourselves much like the Starbucks cartel,” said a source at Monsanto, self-described champions of genetically produced crops. “People are gobbling up our fake tomatoes and high fiber rice now. We can’t wait to see the herds lining up for scientifically induced bud.
On Wall Street Monsanto has already moved to secure many satellite companies that manufacture junk food and hopes to soon dominate the Munchie Exchange with the bullish dumping of fertilizer stocks for recreational commodities.
-Fred Zeppelin
“Religion is no substitute for morality”
– Manfred Alabaster Krone
Employing the Traditional Columbium Pull-Away
Russian President Vladimir Putin meets with China’s Central Military Commission Vice Chairman Zhang Youxia at the Novo-Ogaryovo state residence outside Moscow. Employing the Traditional Columbium Pull-Away on an unsuspecting Vladimir Putin, Zhang enjoy a little chuckle. The common Latin America joke is kin to the German Schadenfreude. and the dry humor of Northwest Europe. It is however, thought to be a putdown in Russia, especially in St Petersburg, the birthplace of the Russian boss. Zhang later told reporters he learned the trick from Irish magicians, probably pirates, on the island of Providencia in the 70s. It was not immediately clear what this questionable gesture might do to Sino-Russian relations just as they were thawing out over what to do with North Korea.
