All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
BLOOD ON THE BLACKBOARD
House passes legislation banning shootings at private schools
(Gunsmoke) The United States House of Reprehensibles today passed the first of many promised gun control measures aimed at curbing violence in the nation’s schools. Targeting private schools first, the lawmakers voted unanimously to outlaw shootings at these institutions of learning.
“We feel that the students of privilege should be protected first, then if there are funds available we will look at solutions for the rest of the citizenry and their children,” said Senator Oral Noise (Fizzy-TX). “After all their parents used to pay more taxes than the parents of those students at public schools. We must protect the future leaders of the Fatherland.”
Whether the ban will have any affect has yet to be seen since mass murderers rarely follow the letter of the law. So far right-to-life advocates have remained mute on this life and death debate causing many to wonder how they define the terms.
“It’s just a gesture, said House Speaker Gerrymander Ryan-McConnell. “A move to let people know we care. My kids are in private school. Aren’t yours?” he smiled at a group of supporters present at the passage of the bill.
The NRA has recently taken issue with reported number of school shootings so far in the US in 2018 “Only 15, not 18 (as the mainstream press has reported)” says powerful gun lobby.
“Right there we can see the desperate propaganda spewed by these hateful liberals that want to take our country toward communism,” said Noise. Liars all. It’s a damn good thing NRA members are standing up for their rights.”
Related plans to arm teachers and mine playgrounds at public schools will continue with a final reading of the proposals in the senate on Friday.
“Hey, the liberals bitch because we pay for education with local taxes and the rich have good schools while the poor suck it up one more time,” added Noise. Let’s get real. It’s all about money. These people need to quit school and embrace minimum wage opportunities that abound out there.”
More than 90% of the current student body in the United States would be unaffected by the move. These public school children have fallen outside the safety net and will be dealt with when other more pressing issues such as gay marriage and legal pot are undressed.
Meanwhile sales of assault weapons are brisk in apprehension of the day when Democrat storm troopers will come for all flintlocks and pocketknives.
– Fred Zeppelin
Boner Question: HOW MANY CONGRESSMEN HAVE STOOD UP AND RETURNED THEIR BRIBE MONEY TO THE NRA SINCE THE SHOOTINGS IN FLORIDA?
Uncle Ben defects to China
(Denver) Longtime American icon and third cousin one removed to former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “Uncle Ben” Brown has reportedly fled to the People’s Republic of China where he has already applied for political asylum.
The defection is believed to be linked to Uncle Ben’s efforts to avoid serving concurrent prison sentences for tax evasion and alleged conspiracy to sell top-secret white rice recipes to the Chinese. According to attorneys for the rice icon their former client flew to Peking via Havana on Friday without their knowledge. In addition they insist that Uncle Ben could have beaten the tax evasion rap had he stuck around.
“In a country where everyone attempts to avoid paying taxes why did the Department of the Treasury decide to go after a kindly, old man like Ben?” asked one lawyer. “Indications are that this was not a random audit and that many other pre-civil rights Blacks have been called on the carpet by the IRS.”
The estrangement is viewed by any as a slap in the face to the Trump Administration who had once considered Uncle Ben for a position with the Department of Homeland Security. Only two months ago the converted rice expert was a guest at the White House.
A spokesperson for Condoleezza Rice said Uncle Ben had been ostracized by Rice family members over the holidays for his well documented haughty Hunan attitude and elitist political views as to feeding the world.
“In no way should Ms Rice be hauled over the coals due to the blatant indiscretions of distant relatives,” said the spokesperson. “That would be like blaming Oprah Winfrey for the anarchy in Liberia or the war in the Congo.”
When contacted the Chinese Consulate here denied all knowledge of the defection saying it would release a statement after dinner.
“There are substitutes for oil; there is no substitute for fresh water.”
– Paul Ehrich, from The Population Bomb, 1968
Thousands Illegally on Endangered List
(Montrose) Thousands of Americans are illicitly included on the Endangered Species Roster according to an Interior Department spokesperson here. The situation, which has been out of hand since mobs of illegal immigrants began crossing the U.S. border in the Seventies, is getting worse.
Desperate people feel that inclusion on the endangered list might net them citizenship, benefits or even financial assistance somewhere down the road according to the source.
“They are making it difficult for the people who are legitimately endangered and have a Constitutional right to government programs and help,” said the spokesperson. “If these numbers continue to grow we may have to scrap the entire concept and let nature take its corpse.”
Most data suggests that 70% of the names currently listed on the roster belong there. The other 30% is made up of persons, citizens or not, who feel that their best hope for the future is to be technically endangered.
“Nobody’s hunting brown-nosed ferrets or humpback ptarmigans anymore, are they?” smiled the Interior Department memo writer. “We don’t blame these people for wanting a better life but they’re messing up our statistics, and we don’t like that. It’s pretty much an economic issue that may require bringing home all of our troops to man the borders in the near future.”
At present there are no politicians on the master list. Likewise lawyers, cell phone salesmen, pimps, television evangelists and developers are markedly absent.
By definition, species that are at risk today or may not survive tomorrow due to decreasing numbers are included on the endangered list but only after Congressional approval. Many of the persons who are currently on the register fit well on this grid despite the fact that the planet’s human population is exploding.
“What we have here is a desperate surge toward survival by persons who cannot find other forms of refuge,” said the federal source. “The solution is simple enough: We need to create some new official gov’ment categories and more lists to join so that these intruders can gain a sense of belonging. Then we can go about our primary business of putting wild animals into zoos for their own protection. We hate to see people being made into criminals just because they have no other options.”
Meanwhile the Bush Administration has given persons who are on the list illegally until March to turn themselves in or face deportation.
– Fred Zeppelin
“No dar papaya!” – Don’t leave valuables around tempting people to steal. Lit: “Don’t give your money (away).
GOP Scheme Seeks to Anglicize Southwest
A plan calling for the gradual Anglicization of Southwestern locales with Spanish names appears to have the House stamp of approval.
Called a deterrent to migration, the move has offended almost everyone. A map with the newly named towns and cities is planned for the north side of the wall. The south side of the wall will be left blank for anti-American graffiti that will be added later.
“We have the votes,” said one wealthy senator from the Know Nothings.
“No you don’t,” screamed a Whig, shaking his walking stick in the air.
“Asshole.”
“Asshole.”
Well-known, prominent southwestern cities and towns that might be destined for disruption include Santa Fe, Laredo, San Antonio, Chama, Buena Vista, Palo Alto, Mancos, Cortez, Mesa, Espanola, Del Rio, Dolores, Las Cruces, Reno, Salida, Sierra Vista, El Paso, Albuquerque, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, Raton, Rico, Nogales, Escondido, Arroyo Hondo, Casa Grande, San Luis Obispo, Monterrey, San Francisco, Durango, San Luis, Mosca, Corpus Christi, Antonito and Colona. Get it?
Although nothing has been etched in stone, geographic luminaries say Santa Fe would soon be Saint Fred, Los Angeles would be Carbon City and Durango renamed Roseville. Mesa Verde, San Juan and LaPlata are on the moniker chopping block as well but, as one backer of the bill said, “We can only work so fast.”
Moving swiftly but taking note of religious names in place, one wealthy evangelists wants to name all of the towns after Biblical places and a few after himself.
If we use saints we want real American saints,” said Phillip Pharisee of Villa Basura . “
At present many favor renaming the colonial and mission designations after elected officials, military leaders, sacred cows, lobbysists and mega corporations in the United States.
During a Money First enchilada dinner protesters held signs saying, “This land is my land” and “Mi lugar, su camino” They were soon forced from the hall by counter demonstrators who do not spell or speak their own language well.
“Once we get these names corrected we’ll move on the rivers, canyons and mesas…oops I mean “table top mountains”…soon we’ll have the whole place sounding like the real America.”
The bill goes back to the Senate Thursday if the gov’ment stays open.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Imitating chicken sounds nets fine, jail time for Olathe man
(Pea Green) Melvin Toole thought he was under the radar, living in this quiet Western Colorado town. He never figured his incessant chipping and clucking would irritate anyone much less be called a public nuisance. But, like the old rule on moderation, Toole got caught with his wattle up and his feathers down.
One of his neighbors complained and he was charged with complicity to empower chaos in the barnyard, disturbing the peace after a slew of warnings, aggravated pecking, impersonating a cock and questionable spurring in the henhouse.
Toole can imitate the Langshan and the Jersey Giant simultaneously while digging potatoes,” tweeted one supporter. “I saw him do it at Pea Green Hall back in the 70s. Rather than throwing him into the slammer we should be elevating him to celebrity status,” she barked. “He should be considered a national treasure.”
Toole, the batty rooster type, originally from Cahone, began the vocal masquerade as a hobby but it quickly grew out of control.
“He couldn’t stop,” said his estranged wife Belle, who moved to Maybell in 2009 to get rid of all the parroting. “He started early and finished late and after all that he refused to lay so much as one measly egg. I tried taping his beak and even hit him with a board but he wouldn’t shut up.”
Toole, like so many others in Western Colorado, will undergo psychiatric tests next week to see if he is healthy enough for a week in jail. The fines, amounting to $100 were paid by the Friends of Poultry and the local humane society.
– Uncle Pahgre
“I could get in more pleasant “trouble” walking home from church in Colombia then I could staying out all night in Las Vegas USA.” – from 3.2 Puritans on Opiates by Gunther Upanishads
