All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Thousands Illegally on Endangered List
(Montrose) Thousands of Americans are illicitly included on the Endangered Species Roster according to an Interior Department spokesperson here. The situation, which has been out of hand since mobs of illegal immigrants began crossing the U.S. border in the Seventies, is getting worse.
Desperate people feel that inclusion on the endangered list might net them citizenship, benefits or even financial assistance somewhere down the road according to the source.
“They are making it difficult for the people who are legitimately endangered and have a Constitutional right to government programs and help,” said the spokesperson. “If these numbers continue to grow we may have to scrap the entire concept and let nature take its corpse.”
Most data suggests that 70% of the names currently listed on the roster belong there. The other 30% is made up of persons, citizens or not, who feel that their best hope for the future is to be technically endangered.
“Nobody’s hunting brown-nosed ferrets or humpback ptarmigans anymore, are they?” smiled the Interior Department memo writer. “We don’t blame these people for wanting a better life but they’re messing up our statistics, and we don’t like that. It’s pretty much an economic issue that may require bringing home all of our troops to man the borders in the near future.”
At present there are no politicians on the master list. Likewise lawyers, cell phone salesmen, pimps, television evangelists and developers are markedly absent.
By definition, species that are at risk today or may not survive tomorrow due to decreasing numbers are included on the endangered list but only after Congressional approval. Many of the persons who are currently on the register fit well on this grid despite the fact that the planet’s human population is exploding.
“What we have here is a desperate surge toward survival by persons who cannot find other forms of refuge,” said the federal source. “The solution is simple enough: We need to create some new official gov’ment categories and more lists to join so that these intruders can gain a sense of belonging. Then we can go about our primary business of putting wild animals into zoos for their own protection. We hate to see people being made into criminals just because they have no other options.”
Meanwhile the Bush Administration has given persons who are on the list illegally until March to turn themselves in or face deportation.
– Fred Zeppelin
“No dar papaya!” – Don’t leave valuables around tempting people to steal. Lit: “Don’t give your money (away).
GOP Scheme Seeks to Anglicize Southwest
A plan calling for the gradual Anglicization of Southwestern locales with Spanish names appears to have the House stamp of approval.
Called a deterrent to migration, the move has offended almost everyone. A map with the newly named towns and cities is planned for the north side of the wall. The south side of the wall will be left blank for anti-American graffiti that will be added later.
“We have the votes,” said one wealthy senator from the Know Nothings.
“No you don’t,” screamed a Whig, shaking his walking stick in the air.
“Asshole.”
“Asshole.”
Well-known, prominent southwestern cities and towns that might be destined for disruption include Santa Fe, Laredo, San Antonio, Chama, Buena Vista, Palo Alto, Mancos, Cortez, Mesa, Espanola, Del Rio, Dolores, Las Cruces, Reno, Salida, Sierra Vista, El Paso, Albuquerque, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, Raton, Rico, Nogales, Escondido, Arroyo Hondo, Casa Grande, San Luis Obispo, Monterrey, San Francisco, Durango, San Luis, Mosca, Corpus Christi, Antonito and Colona. Get it?
Although nothing has been etched in stone, geographic luminaries say Santa Fe would soon be Saint Fred, Los Angeles would be Carbon City and Durango renamed Roseville. Mesa Verde, San Juan and LaPlata are on the moniker chopping block as well but, as one backer of the bill said, “We can only work so fast.”
Moving swiftly but taking note of religious names in place, one wealthy evangelists wants to name all of the towns after Biblical places and a few after himself.
If we use saints we want real American saints,” said Phillip Pharisee of Villa Basura . “
At present many favor renaming the colonial and mission designations after elected officials, military leaders, sacred cows, lobbysists and mega corporations in the United States.
During a Money First enchilada dinner protesters held signs saying, “This land is my land” and “Mi lugar, su camino” They were soon forced from the hall by counter demonstrators who do not spell or speak their own language well.
“Once we get these names corrected we’ll move on the rivers, canyons and mesas…oops I mean “table top mountains”…soon we’ll have the whole place sounding like the real America.”
The bill goes back to the Senate Thursday if the gov’ment stays open.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Imitating chicken sounds nets fine, jail time for Olathe man
(Pea Green) Melvin Toole thought he was under the radar, living in this quiet Western Colorado town. He never figured his incessant chipping and clucking would irritate anyone much less be called a public nuisance. But, like the old rule on moderation, Toole got caught with his wattle up and his feathers down.
One of his neighbors complained and he was charged with complicity to empower chaos in the barnyard, disturbing the peace after a slew of warnings, aggravated pecking, impersonating a cock and questionable spurring in the henhouse.
Toole can imitate the Langshan and the Jersey Giant simultaneously while digging potatoes,” tweeted one supporter. “I saw him do it at Pea Green Hall back in the 70s. Rather than throwing him into the slammer we should be elevating him to celebrity status,” she barked. “He should be considered a national treasure.”
Toole, the batty rooster type, originally from Cahone, began the vocal masquerade as a hobby but it quickly grew out of control.
“He couldn’t stop,” said his estranged wife Belle, who moved to Maybell in 2009 to get rid of all the parroting. “He started early and finished late and after all that he refused to lay so much as one measly egg. I tried taping his beak and even hit him with a board but he wouldn’t shut up.”
Toole, like so many others in Western Colorado, will undergo psychiatric tests next week to see if he is healthy enough for a week in jail. The fines, amounting to $100 were paid by the Friends of Poultry and the local humane society.
– Uncle Pahgre
“I could get in more pleasant “trouble” walking home from church in Colombia then I could staying out all night in Las Vegas USA.” – from 3.2 Puritans on Opiates by Gunther Upanishads
Brush Strokes
with Toole of the Andes
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Fishing gone south so open a Fish Museum. Farming not profitable: Begin ah-tourism visits to Real Farms! Tree Museums? MINE TOURS? Breathing salons? ’57 Chevy simulated cruising in 1959?
Math Corner: If John spends 83% of his time watching FOX News how much time would he then have to post rants and polarizing statements on Facebook? 37%? 27% 74% OR 7% What about Mary? Would she think for herself the voting booth or simply vote the way John tells her to vote?
Can you last three rounds with Stephen Miler, the Joseph Goebbels of the current Administration? No prize money – jus the enjoyment of beating the shit out of a nazi racist pig. Watch out though. He probably has a razor in his boot.
“An evangelist should be careful not to identify the Gospel with any one particular political program or culture,” – Billy Graham, following the Watergate indictment of Richard Nixon.
We’d like to have a moment of meditation for our dear friend the departed colleague John Music: “Bugha Bugha.” Thank you for your patience.
Adopt a Congressman! The corporations certainly have.
