All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
— PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT # 611 —
IT’S HIGH TIME TO PUSH RESET BUTTONS OUT THERE
It’s spring around these rocks and many of you out there are no better for the wear and tear of the season. However, as always, nature takes care of her own, providing relief on demand. We are referring to the little red reset button that, along with your umbilical cord, your good looks and your innate power of reason arrived with the package that is you.
Surprisingly enough most folks are not aware of this ambiguous presence…but’s it’s there all right. It’s just a matter of a little exploration and education. For instance: Most people will find their tiny reset button just north of their naval. If you happen to be left-handed your red button is probably located behind your right ear. It’s the left brain-right brain thing again. If you were born in 1919, 1926, 1931, 1949,1955, 1967, 1980, 1982 or 1990 you will most likely discover your reset switch behind the left knee.
Physicians and psychologists agree that people who make use of available release mechanisms lead happier, healthier lives. So, when you go home tonight why not jump into a nice hot bath and push your button. Better yet, leave the chore to someone you love. – Editor
“Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.”
– Mark Twain
Psyched Out
with Doctor Edwin Whom, Phd.
Regional Hatred Healthy
Although it gets a lot of bad press regional hostility can be quite productive. For one thing it clearly defines a common enemy and allows for families and villages to pull together without a lot of petty bickering among the leaders, anxiety about pecking order and passive aggressive distrust of neighbors. A tranquil village is a happy village and all without therapeutic drugs.
Regional hatred also promotes the creation of many high-performance cells of ex-patriots and gifted assassins in places like Paris and New York. Without bigotry and anger many of these people might be stuck in their crummy villages without the slightest chance to see the world. It is in this way that antagonistic cultures can export thoughts and philosophies while not showing poker hands back home.
Perhaps the most important advantage to be gained from the ethnic and racial hatred is in the field of culinary art. Clannish and ethnic elitism is partly responsible for most of the regional cuisines in a place like China, for instance. How do you think the distinction between Hunan and Szechwan came about? What about Italian food or Soul Food? Why is Cajun food so expensive?
This is not to imply that ethnic hostilities always result in better groceries. Despite all the problems they have created over the years the British, somehow, were not blessed with a cuisines of their own, so they stole one from the Irish.
Another benefit of regional hatred comes in the from of a boon to the flag business. The more different warring factions in the field the more flags are sold. In 2017 alone some 137,000 flags were manufactured
Continued on Page 558
DIVINE POWER RANKINGS
Week 86 (Perceived Armageddon)
1. Jesus Christ. Missionary network keeps the offense competitive. Home field advantage may curtail problems with simple playbook taken to extremes by fans. Righteous in the Red Zone will make the difference when push comes to shove.
2. Mohammed. Fan base, although greatest on planet, may not be enough in the Fourth Quarter. This franchise is hot and getting hotter despite radical element that favors the blitz and the long pass down field. Only current setbacks center around failure to control the line of scrimmage.
3. Buddha. Many veterans returning after previous lives. Despite trouble with Hindu running backs, the defensive line continues to please season ticket holders (ancestors). Good karma in defensive backfield may lead to a host of turnovers.
4. Moses. Back to back losses to the Egyptians and the Philistines should set the stage for a final showdown in the playoffs. Chosen people at tight end and special teams may have parted the Red Sea but can they contain a kosher running game? Sore arms and legs (from building pyramids in Egypt) may shorten career.
5. Gandhi. Hindu passing game coming on at the end. Will Gandhi be able to unite the elements and address the problems of the untouchables on the sideline? Too many minor deities in the huddle. Jain special teams unconvincing at season’s end.
8. Martin Luther. (Too borrow from a bad joke) If he can found Protestantism, why can’t he find an open receiver down field? Nailing play lists on the locker room door may not be enough to motivate in the last days of feudalism. Addition of John Calvin, George Fox, John Wesley and Mary Baker Eddy may muddy the solution to turnovers and mental lapses on special teams.
9. Abraham. Although first drafted by the Jews, the Muslims and Christians sought his services as line coach. Probably the best player ever to come out of Ur. Stone tablets a little too cumbersome for effective booth consultation. Beard may get in the way of Xs and Os.
10. Brigham Young. Just when things look the darkest a new quarterback emerges from the flock. Tough on home turf but does not play well to more sophisticated defenses. Settling for a field goal won’t win many matches.
11. St Paul. The other teams have figured out the flea flicker, the end around and the play action pass. Home sermons focused on Jesus and Martin Luther should determine who gains a bye and who hits the road. No beer in the fourth quarter originated here.
12. The Popes. Despite all the money, established rituals, extravagant uniforms and promises of the Promised Land it has grown increasingly difficult to field a team. Vatican squad losing fan base. Hail Mary not enough these days. Need a miracle to get back on track. – Dolly Lamar
“The clearest way to the Universe is through a forest wilderness.” – John Muir
Return Foul Balls or Beer Prices Go Up at Coors
(Denver) The Colorado Rockies announced today that unless fans begin returning home run and foul balls from the bleachers, beer prices would increase at Coors Field. Traditionally balls that land in the stands have been kept as souvenirs.
The move was not received well by many fans who see the change as restrictive and contrary to baseball tradition.
“This amounts to nothing short of an ultimatum,” said one season ticket holder. “The idea of returning a ball hit out of play in un-American, like forgetting the words to Take me Out To The Ballgame. “We will not be denied our day in the sun,” he said from a shady seat along the third base line.
Already a beer boycott is in the wings which threatens the fiscal health of the sports franchise.
“With high salaries and operating expenses we can no longer let fans walk away with baseballs,” said a spokesman for the club. “Between beers sold during the game and recycled balls we can pay for two utility outfielders and half a backup catcher. We’re just trying to balance the books. It’s nothing personal.”
In short,” said a source in the accounting department, “Rockies’ fans will have to return the balls or pay more for beer.”
The source would not elaborate as to the likelihood that mindless sideshows and promotions will be affected by the announcement.
“The Rockies could cut to the chase and terminate all the non-baseball events going on in the stadium between innings” said the fan from above. “We just want to hold onto our keystone culture in a world that increasingly sees these customs as irrelevant. Baseball defines us. It’s as American as catching a foul ball or sipping a cold beer on a hot afternoon and we haven’t even touched on peanuts and hot dogs.”
-Rica “Suga” Beets
Depends Intros Opinion Pants
“Everyone has one and it often gets messy”. That’s the slogan for Depenz new Opinion Pants that have only yesterday been approved by a slew of unnecessary federal agencies and echoed by floundering consumer protection eunuchs.
The pants, made of synthetic hemp, can be worn on the inside or the outside and are not just for older people. The wrap not only keep one’s sense of humor dry but it mutes and edits verbiage transmitted from vital organs according to a spokesperson for Depenz.
One could only expect to see a variety of applications from bar chatter to family dinners, and from city council minutes to law enforcement efforts.
Everyone needs a little control when it comes to relieving themselves through hasty or mindless opinions, according to the innovative company. These are apt to do the trick!
Despite all the excitement the release of the product is not expected until November. Interested consumers are asked to “just shut up” until then.
– Fred Zeppelin
Bears Waking Up in High Country
Black bear all over the Rockies are waking up for the summer. Many need furniture. If you have anything to donate please drop it in front of any bruin-proof debris container in your town. And please hold the noise down until 7 since the animals often like to sleep in on weekends.
