All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Summer will return say meteorologists
No matter what it feels like in February, summer will make its’ annual descent on the Rockies starting May 25 this year. On that day the temperature will reach 83 degrees at about 2:17 in the afternoon. The popular season is expected to stick around until October 16 accentuated by the repeated dustings of snow in the high country.
“Our Dirt Smells Even Better Under Eight Feet of Snow”
Crested Butte Soil Quality- Phase Two
Acknowledging that it would be next to impossible to prove that the scent of the earth’s crust is superior in Crested Butte, advocates of this phenomenon say it may help explain the unbridled popularity of the town with second homeowners.
(Gothic) Last summer a popular mountain biking promotional claimed that the dirt in Crested Butte smelled better than other dirt found elsewhere. The tongue-in-cheek announcement created a few laughs and shed some positive light on the sense of humor within the community.
Does Crested Butte dirt smell better even under all the snow?
Despite the fact that other locales expressed cynicism and that an accepted measure for determining dirt aroma is not available, the originators of this olfactive declaration are standing fast on stunning dirt fragrances.
“We’re on board with great smelling dirt under the snow,” said one copywriter involved in the original statement. “It just makes sense.”
“If I was going to drop $500,000 on a house I only used for two months per year I’d damn sure want to know the dirt smelled better than in Vail or Aspen,” said one local jokester.
-Small Mouth Bess
Marmots growing much larger, exhibiting taste for meat
Suddenly carnivorous, once vegetarian marmots are growing larger than ever before. To compensate for the bizarre growth these hungry animals may need more than seed and insects. Traditionally leaf-blossom and legume eating, these grand marmots often engage in frightening jungle behavior.
Yellow-bellied marmot in natural habitat on Red Mountain Pass. Growth spurts over the past years have resulted in a giant species much to the confusion of scientists and the chagrin of those on the lower food chain.
They were once seen as cute and harmless, insignificant in a world of fast cars and even faster landslides. They were those meaningless herbivores, although they never really warmed to the name. The razor-sharp bicuspids would attest to a very different agenda.
Things may be very different soon.
Alpine biologists say it’s some more of that climate change business up high. More time to eat, less to sleep due to weather. Fur trappers, who pepper these hits in search of prey say the animals have always harbored vile resentment but until recently were too little to eat people.
“My partner Jeb got caught out alone in Bostwick Park when three or four of the marmots surrounded him. Fortunately Jeb distracts them with mirrors and trinkets then made his escape down the south wall of the Black Canyon.”
“He was never so happy to see the bright lights of Cimarron,” exhaled the trapper.
Civic leaders are calling for military action in the face of the burgeoning threat. They say they are at risk of being overrun in many of the more remote villages in the Rockies. Many have already called in airstrikes on their positions which they called insecure and tempting to the resurgent ravished rodents.
Already other predators like fox, coyote and deer have recorded incidents of bullying, hole (claim) jumping and seizure of foodstuffs to verify their claims.
The once cute, docile whistle pigs were wonderful neighbors who kept to themselves, scampering about among the boulders, the wildflowers, the scree and the tundra. They have had their day in the sun. Now they want their day in the sun, get it?
And they probably don’t like people talking or writing about them while they are hibernating either. In that light we will surrender the pen and bow out of the conversation gracefully with this above warning.
Scientists fear that when the rodents reach about 200 pounds the food chain will detour drastically leaving even urban residents at risk of vicious confrontations in their homes or on the street.
-Atila Diggins
(Continued on Hard News)
Trump Trumped by Bridge Society
(West Palmetto) The American Bridge Fellowship announced plans to drop the term trump from its rules book, jargon and vernacular it was disclosed following a light lunch this afternoon.
Saying the word association was hurting the game the card player’s league issued a temporary password replacement…for any reference to the noun or predicate and for the action of trumping:
Defined as…
noun
(in bridge, whist, and similar card games) a playing card of the suit chosen to rank above the others, which can win a trick where a card of a different suit has been led.
• (trumps) the suit having the rank above the others in a particular hand: the ace of trumps.
• (in a tarot pack) any of a special suit of 22 cards depicting symbolic and typical figures and scenes.
• (also trump card) a valuable resource that may be used, especially as a surprise, in order to gain an advantage: in this month General Haig decided to play his trump card: the tank.
• informal, dated a helpful or admirable person.
verb [with object]
(in bridge, whist, and similar card games) play a trump on (a card of another suit), having no cards of the suit led.
• beat (someone or something) by saying or doing something better: taste trumps most if not all other factors when consumers choose food products.
PHRASAL VERBS
trump something up
invent a false accusation or excuse: they’ve trumped up charges against her.
ORIGIN
early 16th century: alteration of triumph, once used in card games in the same sense.
The move was lauded even applauded by fringe groups within the 104-card deck including the maverick legions of the American Contract Bridge League.
That powerful lobby issued a warning with regard to bad links and termination dates on such perishables as felt, plastic visors, poker chips and traditional gourmet items hinged to the competition.
“Our tedious relations with banks have been legendary for decades,” said Marvel Malaroitte, of the parent group.
“We met Mr. Trump in bankruptcy court in 2005. We had both lost our appeals and he threw a tantrum outside on the steps of the municipal building.”
Moments after the resolution angry onlookers filed into the offices of the American Bridge Fellowship bent on retribution. All they found were empty files and a sign “Gone fishing hanging on the front door.
Perhaps Eldon Tinkleholland, recognized poet laureate of card tricks, dramatized the tragedy best: “Hatless against the stark ballast of seething clouds and Elvis haircuts, the angst of a biting winter gale at eyebrow level they came, only to be dealt the death blow from a rat-like foe who had skedaddled with the cheese a long time ago.”
“We thought these people built infrastructure but all they do is sit round all day and play cards,” said Oreo Mumblee, an unemployed welder who hasn’t been dealt a fair hand in weeks. “A left bar by any other name is still a left bar.”
Good idea. Let’s end this ridiculous attempt at news writing and adjourn to the romantic Drunken Fern where we can get better acquainted. Bridge anyone? Canasta? How about a tight round of Pinochle?
Special from The Washington Hangnail
- Notes on the chaos, which is our gov’ment
- dba: Syria could use a wall too, Donald.
Maybe Assad will pay for it. This morning ISIS is already beginning to salivate over recent plans for the US military to cut and run, leaving another generation of Kurds to their own devices once again.
And isn’t the epic Gov’ment Shutdown also shutting down Homeland Security? Giving up on a whitewash agency to build a worthless wall. Fear. Maybe the threat of terrorism has been blown out of proportion in order to frighten and control the American population. All based on fear.
Immigrants are not the enemy. Mitch McConnell is enemy! People who think we can solve massive problems of fiscal inequity and over-population with walls are only seeing to the end of their noses. Mindlessness rules!
Good riddance Paul Ryan
The poor boy that attended college on Social Security, then turned around and screwed the weak and disadvantaged. He’d have liked to have done more to punish people for poverty. What a legacy. Will he be able to live comfortably on his pension?
Let’s make his life miserable. Ryan’s home address and phone coming to our readers in January. We’re just waiting for the combination to his gun rack before releasing the data. Does Wisconsin have extradition laws? Is self-deportation the wave of the future for Congressmen and Presidents guilty of treason?
Congress passes major energy bill
The United States Senate passed far-reaching legislation today effectively banning fossil fuels within the borders of the US. Oil pipelines will be dynamited and water pipelines build instead. The price of horses or a bicycle has darted up significantly although fiscal sources say these costs will even out in time. This sweeping legislation represents the first official government business conducted by the sitting body since the Kremlin helped Trump get elected in 2016.
“They’ll be major blowback,” said one author of the new restrictions. “The decisions will not affect just gasoline.”
After the celebration is over consumers may see sharp rise in everything from floor wax to fishing lures.
“It’s either change our lives drastically today or burn up tomorrow,” stressed the supporter of the action.
– Zorro DesPlants
SANTA TO MEET WITH COAL MINES
(Paonia) Santa Clause is scheduled to meet this week with coal mine executives to hammer out a deal for next year’s Christmas coal. The demand for the black stuff, which is often used to fill stockings on Christmas Eve, has reached an all time high and has no end in sight so far as anyone can tell.
The head elf says he plans to trade 60 of his finest elves in exchange for “rock bottom” considerations.
“It’s a great deal for the mines. The elves are tireless workers and eat very little. With toy production at an all time low at the North Pole in January the little buggers are just standing around looking for something to do,” he said. .
Santa claims that many children world-wide are seen being naughty day and night . Pinching, kicking, slapping, punching, throwing fits, stealing, lying, cheating on tests, swearing, breaking things, sassing back, spitting, sneaking out at night, not sharing, feeding the dog under the table, disrespecting elders, defacing public property manufacturing bombs and paraphernalia, and acting like spoiled rotten brats has contributed to the colossal amount of coal needed to send a message this Christmas 2018.
“Last year I delivered a thousands of sleigh loads of coal and this year I’m estimating upwards of millions,” frowned Santa.
When asked to elaborate as to the root of the problem with children these days Santa simply sighed and shrugged his shoulders. “Seems to me that it’s a combination consumerism, not enough sleep, improper diet, lack of discipline, and not enough fresh air.”
Jolly Old Saint Nick is due to arrive on Thursday. If negotiations go well he will host a lap sitting session for those who missed it in December..
– Lady Jane
