All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
The naughty snowplows of C-DOT
Most of us take snowplows for granted. Following, passing or chaining up, we appreciate them only when it snows. Watching the machines clear ice and slush from the roadways and failing to recognize their powerful inward passions is a serious human oversight. The outward eroticism embodied by these giant-tire monsters, these flying steel buttresses, these vigilant saviors of the midway is illustrated in this pictorial.
Out on the highway snowplows conduct themselves according to official capacities but after the blades are dropped and the engines silenced for the night there is the need to wind down. That’s when the lusty orange libertines lift their skirts, drop all pretense and engage in unbridled eroticism common to the species.
Maybe they are victims of sexual repression. Perhaps the embrace of alternative sensuality is normal. Either way motorists should expect snippets of naughty behavior once the garage doors are flung open and these colossal ogres go on patrol.
A seemingly innocent young snowplow maiden, (left) drawn to the bright lights of sin and depravation inches her way into town after overtime hours in the high country. Many of these plows fall in with the wrong crowd and end up doing perfume and lingerie commercials or engaging in extra connubial activities when the barn goes dark.
Showing off frontal equipment (right) rascal snowplows readily pose as pinups for winter’s highway crews all over Colorado. Both genders see bawdy pictures like this as a normal way to ward off the stress of the job.
The sheer power of chains and sanding provide a slippery scenario for sexual improprieties. Despite the efforts of highway officials, morality has diminished and kindred kinkiness reigns. The idle hours are often a mix of wicked and wayward impulse. Even the daily hosing down provides those special moments in front of the camera.
Group interaction, studded tires and even erotic dance steps fill the bill after a particularly pressure-filled day on the mountain passes. First comes the longing, then the quenched desire as exemplified by intimate, generally titillating poses and the flash of the camera.
Next month: Rogue Snowplows and Rutting Season
O’Toole “whacked upside the head” by a shooting star
(Colona) It’s straw winter in the Rockies and anything can happen. Why just the other night our associate editor collided with what local astronomers surmise was a shooting star.
Actually the star collided with Toole sending him senselessly shooting through a drift of man-made snow, frightening a crew of mule deer, and leaving residents wondering what else is on the agenda.
“I was just out in the yard feeding my marmots when Wham! I was forty feet to the south. My knees and elbows took the worst of it and the sudden flash did nothing for my cell phone reception or my attitude.”
O’Toole is currently under observation at St Roscoe’s Drive Through Clinic in Mañana. He is reportedly hoping he has enough miles, coupons, bingo credits or bonus stamp books to pay for the stay.
Legend has it that anyone hit by a falling star could expect great wealth and fame throughout his or her lifetime. Sadly, we could find no distinct reference to this legend much to the chagrin of the red-blooded target.
Although quite rare, accidents and confrontations involving heavenly bodies and people do happen. Experts tell us that meteors and rogue gravitational debris are more common dangers but that an occasional shooting star could be a threat to a continued lifespan.
“The incident in no way launches O’Toole into some elite group nor does it signify anything supernatural or mystical,” said a neighbor who reminded us that the scribe has survived shark attacks, high altitude lightning, several marriages and bad chorizo since moving to Colona in 1912.
“He’ll be back puttering by the weekend,” said the neighbor. “There have been all kinds of things falling out of the sky around these parts since summer. We figured it was the lack of moisture.”
– Gabby Haze
TOBACCO EXECS `CALL THEIR MOMS, RARELY KICK DOGS’
(Winston-Salem, NC) The average tobacco company executive calls his mother on Sundays, never misses a family birthday and loves little puppies according to a recently released personality sketch by hired gun publicists for the American Tobacco Association.
The bosses dress nice, are well educated as to foreign markets, have never been involved in the White slave trade, did not vote for Joe Stalin, are not on welfare, have a strong interest in youth, and do not smoke.
The data was collected by polling the top tobacco executives in North Carolina.
In addition pollsters found that the average exec was trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.
The National Rifle Association and the Republican Party disavowed rumors that a similar survey may be exercised within the ranks of these entities.
– Jerry Mandering
“Democracy and stupidity just don’t mix.” – Alex Hamilton
Broncos Break Tradition on Wide Receiver Corps
Dog lovers and revelers on the fringes reported to having spotted John Elway scouting the Meeker Sheep Dog Trials last September. He was also seen interviewing some dog owners after the event, penciling down cell phone numbers of Basque herders, while spilling his gin and tonic on his new sheepskin boots.
Following up this story and leaving behind all common sense, multiple messages have been received for yours truly at the local pub, concluding that we can expect to see three of the swift furry Border Collies starting in the Denver lineup as wide receivers against Kansas City tomorrow.
Local hero and presidential candidate, Melvin S. Toole has reported that this story is true but the Collies still have to be broken of the habit of bringing wandering sheep back into the huddle after running long post patterns.
Tim Menger
ap, upi, kfc
UFO Continues to Hover Over White House
(Washington) A foggy cylindrical object the size of the national debt continues to float above the White House this morning leaving Pentagon officials aghast. The gray steel craft that many say resembles a Big Mac with tiny observation slits. Others describe what appear to be beaming capacities at the front and rear.
Secret Service agents on the scene say that the pesky spaceship has not shown aggression nor will it go away when we attempt to shoo it or threaten military action. It’s been four days now and although the president is away playing golf there is concern for his safety.
“We can’t be sure but we think the flying machine is loaded with tiny little green men intent on entering the country illegally,” said one White House security officer. “Everyone wants to live here you know.”
Astrologists predict that the craft has travelled billions of miles to complete its mission. One National Aeronautics and Space Administration strategist called the entire episode ambiguous since there are no photos of the flying saucer.
“It came within 20 yards of the West Wing this morning and I shot several photos. When I attempted to post them they were not there,” said the NASA Source. “We are dealing with a gap in technology. Even our Hubble Collection could not capture an image.”
Rumors that House and Senate leaders Mitch McDonnell and Paul Ryan have been abducted were confirmed this afternoon.
“We can only believe the president. Everyone (else) is a liar,” said that Huckabee woman. “He is on the 6th green and is expected back in Washington tomorrow. Just wait and see what these cowardly space creatures do when a real man is on the scene.”
Reporters, amused by the continued antics surrounding the administration, did not press Huckabee who spent the conference trying not to look up would not confirm the sightings.
The craft was first spotted in July at a Tacoma Park nightclub disguised as a pizza delivery truck carrying refurbished souls for Republican politicians and a cargo of synthetic spines for their Democrat counterparts.
“We figure the aliens have seen enough and have decided to intervene before we humans succeed in blowing the planet apart,” said one veteran reporter and enemy of the people. “I’d give my right arm to see their final guest list.”
It is not known if the visit from outer space is in any way linked to other bizarre occurrences of late. Readers may remember that yesterday a tornado touched down at the top of the Continental Divide and universal health insurance was established in the U.S.
Then this morning, in a classic logjam maneuver thought to be perpetrated by the aliens, an Amtrak computer malfunction sent hundreds of its trains on a mad dash to Utah.
– Gabby Haze
