All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Special from The Washington Hangnail
- Notes on the chaos, which is our gov’ment
- dba: Syria could use a wall too, Donald.
Maybe Assad will pay for it. This morning ISIS is already beginning to salivate over recent plans for the US military to cut and run, leaving another generation of Kurds to their own devices once again.
And isn’t the epic Gov’ment Shutdown also shutting down Homeland Security? Giving up on a whitewash agency to build a worthless wall. Fear. Maybe the threat of terrorism has been blown out of proportion in order to frighten and control the American population. All based on fear.
Immigrants are not the enemy. Mitch McConnell is enemy! People who think we can solve massive problems of fiscal inequity and over-population with walls are only seeing to the end of their noses. Mindlessness rules!
Good riddance Paul Ryan
The poor boy that attended college on Social Security, then turned around and screwed the weak and disadvantaged. He’d have liked to have done more to punish people for poverty. What a legacy. Will he be able to live comfortably on his pension?
Let’s make his life miserable. Ryan’s home address and phone coming to our readers in January. We’re just waiting for the combination to his gun rack before releasing the data. Does Wisconsin have extradition laws? Is self-deportation the wave of the future for Congressmen and Presidents guilty of treason?
Congress passes major energy bill
The United States Senate passed far-reaching legislation today effectively banning fossil fuels within the borders of the US. Oil pipelines will be dynamited and water pipelines build instead. The price of horses or a bicycle has darted up significantly although fiscal sources say these costs will even out in time. This sweeping legislation represents the first official government business conducted by the sitting body since the Kremlin helped Trump get elected in 2016.
“They’ll be major blowback,” said one author of the new restrictions. “The decisions will not affect just gasoline.”
After the celebration is over consumers may see sharp rise in everything from floor wax to fishing lures.
“It’s either change our lives drastically today or burn up tomorrow,” stressed the supporter of the action.
– Zorro DesPlants
SANTA TO MEET WITH COAL MINES
(Paonia) Santa Clause is scheduled to meet this week with coal mine executives to hammer out a deal for next year’s Christmas coal. The demand for the black stuff, which is often used to fill stockings on Christmas Eve, has reached an all time high and has no end in sight so far as anyone can tell.
The head elf says he plans to trade 60 of his finest elves in exchange for “rock bottom” considerations.
“It’s a great deal for the mines. The elves are tireless workers and eat very little. With toy production at an all time low at the North Pole in January the little buggers are just standing around looking for something to do,” he said. .
Santa claims that many children world-wide are seen being naughty day and night . Pinching, kicking, slapping, punching, throwing fits, stealing, lying, cheating on tests, swearing, breaking things, sassing back, spitting, sneaking out at night, not sharing, feeding the dog under the table, disrespecting elders, defacing public property manufacturing bombs and paraphernalia, and acting like spoiled rotten brats has contributed to the colossal amount of coal needed to send a message this Christmas 2018.
“Last year I delivered a thousands of sleigh loads of coal and this year I’m estimating upwards of millions,” frowned Santa.
When asked to elaborate as to the root of the problem with children these days Santa simply sighed and shrugged his shoulders. “Seems to me that it’s a combination consumerism, not enough sleep, improper diet, lack of discipline, and not enough fresh air.”
Jolly Old Saint Nick is due to arrive on Thursday. If negotiations go well he will host a lap sitting session for those who missed it in December..
– Lady Jane
Merry Christmas to the people of of Jardin, Antioquia, Colombia
Inspirational art from The Christmas Dream of the Nattering Nabobs by David Mullings, air-brushed acyclic on galvanized steel. Medellin School of Mimes and Tragos.
Fowl –Mouthed Elves Cackling Socialites
Mangy elves, bored and idled by their cheap existence, have become a threat to the season. Armed with signature potty mouths, muscle-bound dwarfs have been crashing Christmas parties under the cloak of official helpers since earlier this month. Now with a termination of most Yuletide duties, the little ruffians arrive in swarming ranks set on trouble.
Authorities fear that the elves will target New Year’s Eve parties where an abundance of alcohol is often served, a formula for potential disaster. Last year local police reported only a few altercations during the evening hours (elves duck well) but arrested some 35 of the little people for delayed-release drunkenness at breakfast spots, the local grocery and in a variety of irrigation ditches on New Year’s Day.
Late Hibernation Going as Planned
(Placerville, CO) The annual mammal hibernation, staid and migratory, is going quite well this year. With just a week left in the season some 95% of fur-bearing animals are either asleep or dozing.
Although most biologists confirm that the driving force for the great sleep is instinctual some suggest that fatigue, boredom and lack of hunting options play a major role in the behavior. Bears and other larger species often exhibit symptoms common to other control groups when it comes to the stress of the summer and fall periods in the forest.
The bear are exhausted trying to fill their immense bellies on tiny berries and roots while carnivores complain that the prey has all but vanished on icy slopes and frigid woodlands in the Rockies. Underneath feet of snow life is not all that exiting either.
“They might just as well sleep,” said one Forest Ranger who plans to stay awake for the winter. “Somebody has to watch place. Even in an emergency it is no walk in the park to wake up a dreaming black bear.”
United States Forest Service and the Colorado Fish and Game officials are taking most of the credit for the smooth transition. Increased signage in the woods, easy access to caves, decrease human presence following hunting season and information leaflets dropped in the high country have contributed to an effortless hibernation this year.
This has not always been the case. Before the USFS leapt onto the scene in the 19th Century it was chaos. Confusion and dread lead to anger and violence when food was scarce and caves were contested.
“Some bear actually wandered over the mountain to see what they could see and all that,” said the ranger. “We are the wards of these creatures and we intend to steer them correctly, even if it means a new toothbrush, warm pajamas and, yes, that drink of water in the middle of February.”
– Paula Parvenu
Smart Phones Could Cost $3000 Per Month by 2019
Would they then be Dumb Phones?
(Appleton WI) Popular Smart Phone models and varied plans are certain to impact the pocketbooks of consumers in the coming year due to new tariffs imposed on Chinese goods coming into the United States.
This dystopian nightmare for most telephone users is not expected to be confirmed after Christmas, but communications experts warn that there is no wiggle room due to strict export fees imposed by the White House. In short, they say, the cost of making a phone call will go up dramatically leaving cell phone addicts holding the bag.
“We may see less neurotic fidgeting and fewer mindless texts out there is cyber space,” said a spokesman at Apple, “but we don’t expect to see a return to telephone booths, at least for the time being.”
Chinese officials had no comment on the matter explaining that everything was right in their corner until the Trumpian trade wars began in earnest last summer. Whether or not the Asian nation will cut off exports, like it did with fish sticks and collapsible umbrellas earlier this fall, is not clear. Some fear dog food and Christmas lights could be on the chopping block before long.
“It’s all exploding like Chinese fireworks,” said Carlos Chan, Director of Yangtze Sneakers and T-Shirts in Shanghai. “Fear and reactionary politics due to a measly $375 billion trade deficit.”
In response to the continuing tariffs multi-nationals have called for a revolutionary surcharge on Twitter Accounts employed by public officials. Insiders say the numbers herein could stretch into the millions.
– Fred Zeppelin
