All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Merry Christmas to the people of of Jardin, Antioquia, Colombia
Inspirational art from The Christmas Dream of the Nattering Nabobs by David Mullings, air-brushed acyclic on galvanized steel. Medellin School of Mimes and Tragos.
Fowl –Mouthed Elves Cackling Socialites
Mangy elves, bored and idled by their cheap existence, have become a threat to the season. Armed with signature potty mouths, muscle-bound dwarfs have been crashing Christmas parties under the cloak of official helpers since earlier this month. Now with a termination of most Yuletide duties, the little ruffians arrive in swarming ranks set on trouble.
Authorities fear that the elves will target New Year’s Eve parties where an abundance of alcohol is often served, a formula for potential disaster. Last year local police reported only a few altercations during the evening hours (elves duck well) but arrested some 35 of the little people for delayed-release drunkenness at breakfast spots, the local grocery and in a variety of irrigation ditches on New Year’s Day.
Late Hibernation Going as Planned
(Placerville, CO) The annual mammal hibernation, staid and migratory, is going quite well this year. With just a week left in the season some 95% of fur-bearing animals are either asleep or dozing.
Although most biologists confirm that the driving force for the great sleep is instinctual some suggest that fatigue, boredom and lack of hunting options play a major role in the behavior. Bears and other larger species often exhibit symptoms common to other control groups when it comes to the stress of the summer and fall periods in the forest.
The bear are exhausted trying to fill their immense bellies on tiny berries and roots while carnivores complain that the prey has all but vanished on icy slopes and frigid woodlands in the Rockies. Underneath feet of snow life is not all that exiting either.
“They might just as well sleep,” said one Forest Ranger who plans to stay awake for the winter. “Somebody has to watch place. Even in an emergency it is no walk in the park to wake up a dreaming black bear.”
United States Forest Service and the Colorado Fish and Game officials are taking most of the credit for the smooth transition. Increased signage in the woods, easy access to caves, decrease human presence following hunting season and information leaflets dropped in the high country have contributed to an effortless hibernation this year.
This has not always been the case. Before the USFS leapt onto the scene in the 19th Century it was chaos. Confusion and dread lead to anger and violence when food was scarce and caves were contested.
“Some bear actually wandered over the mountain to see what they could see and all that,” said the ranger. “We are the wards of these creatures and we intend to steer them correctly, even if it means a new toothbrush, warm pajamas and, yes, that drink of water in the middle of February.”
– Paula Parvenu
Smart Phones Could Cost $3000 Per Month by 2019
Would they then be Dumb Phones?
(Appleton WI) Popular Smart Phone models and varied plans are certain to impact the pocketbooks of consumers in the coming year due to new tariffs imposed on Chinese goods coming into the United States.
This dystopian nightmare for most telephone users is not expected to be confirmed after Christmas, but communications experts warn that there is no wiggle room due to strict export fees imposed by the White House. In short, they say, the cost of making a phone call will go up dramatically leaving cell phone addicts holding the bag.
“We may see less neurotic fidgeting and fewer mindless texts out there is cyber space,” said a spokesman at Apple, “but we don’t expect to see a return to telephone booths, at least for the time being.”
Chinese officials had no comment on the matter explaining that everything was right in their corner until the Trumpian trade wars began in earnest last summer. Whether or not the Asian nation will cut off exports, like it did with fish sticks and collapsible umbrellas earlier this fall, is not clear. Some fear dog food and Christmas lights could be on the chopping block before long.
“It’s all exploding like Chinese fireworks,” said Carlos Chan, Director of Yangtze Sneakers and T-Shirts in Shanghai. “Fear and reactionary politics due to a measly $375 billion trade deficit.”
In response to the continuing tariffs multi-nationals have called for a revolutionary surcharge on Twitter Accounts employed by public officials. Insiders say the numbers herein could stretch into the millions.
– Fred Zeppelin
The naughty snowplows of C-DOT
Most of us take snowplows for granted. Following, passing or chaining up, we appreciate them only when it snows. Watching the machines clear ice and slush from the roadways and failing to recognize their powerful inward passions is a serious human oversight. The outward eroticism embodied by these giant-tire monsters, these flying steel buttresses, these vigilant saviors of the midway is illustrated in this pictorial.
Out on the highway snowplows conduct themselves according to official capacities but after the blades are dropped and the engines silenced for the night there is the need to wind down. That’s when the lusty orange libertines lift their skirts, drop all pretense and engage in unbridled eroticism common to the species.
Maybe they are victims of sexual repression. Perhaps the embrace of alternative sensuality is normal. Either way motorists should expect snippets of naughty behavior once the garage doors are flung open and these colossal ogres go on patrol.
A seemingly innocent young snowplow maiden, (left) drawn to the bright lights of sin and depravation inches her way into town after overtime hours in the high country. Many of these plows fall in with the wrong crowd and end up doing perfume and lingerie commercials or engaging in extra connubial activities when the barn goes dark.
Showing off frontal equipment (right) rascal snowplows readily pose as pinups for winter’s highway crews all over Colorado. Both genders see bawdy pictures like this as a normal way to ward off the stress of the job.
The sheer power of chains and sanding provide a slippery scenario for sexual improprieties. Despite the efforts of highway officials, morality has diminished and kindred kinkiness reigns. The idle hours are often a mix of wicked and wayward impulse. Even the daily hosing down provides those special moments in front of the camera.
Group interaction, studded tires and even erotic dance steps fill the bill after a particularly pressure-filled day on the mountain passes. First comes the longing, then the quenched desire as exemplified by intimate, generally titillating poses and the flash of the camera.
Next month: Rogue Snowplows and Rutting Season
O’Toole “whacked upside the head” by a shooting star
(Colona) It’s straw winter in the Rockies and anything can happen. Why just the other night our associate editor collided with what local astronomers surmise was a shooting star.
Actually the star collided with Toole sending him senselessly shooting through a drift of man-made snow, frightening a crew of mule deer, and leaving residents wondering what else is on the agenda.
“I was just out in the yard feeding my marmots when Wham! I was forty feet to the south. My knees and elbows took the worst of it and the sudden flash did nothing for my cell phone reception or my attitude.”
O’Toole is currently under observation at St Roscoe’s Drive Through Clinic in Mañana. He is reportedly hoping he has enough miles, coupons, bingo credits or bonus stamp books to pay for the stay.
Legend has it that anyone hit by a falling star could expect great wealth and fame throughout his or her lifetime. Sadly, we could find no distinct reference to this legend much to the chagrin of the red-blooded target.
Although quite rare, accidents and confrontations involving heavenly bodies and people do happen. Experts tell us that meteors and rogue gravitational debris are more common dangers but that an occasional shooting star could be a threat to a continued lifespan.
“The incident in no way launches O’Toole into some elite group nor does it signify anything supernatural or mystical,” said a neighbor who reminded us that the scribe has survived shark attacks, high altitude lightning, several marriages and bad chorizo since moving to Colona in 1912.
“He’ll be back puttering by the weekend,” said the neighbor. “There have been all kinds of things falling out of the sky around these parts since summer. We figured it was the lack of moisture.”
– Gabby Haze
