All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Senator Noise Called Dinosaur on Fossil Fuel Policy
(Gillette WY) Called “heartless” by many in his own party and “gutless” by others Oral Noise just doesn’t know when to zip it.
His recent claim that coal mining is beneficial to the environment has even right-wing advocates running for cover.
“Coal mines relieve stress on the planet by releasing carbon fumes and toxic gas into the air so they can then be safely blown away into space,” explained Noise. “Leaving these elements down inside the earth is dangerous and will lead to massive explosions and hurricanes.”
A further defense of fracking in relatively safe red state Wyoming, along with a tearful embrace of the oil industry has put him at odds with awakening fence sitters in the House and Senate that want cleaner air and even cleaner energy.
“These guys are so damn crooked,” said one former Republican who now works to promote alternative fuels. “They will say and do anything just to keep those campaign contributions flowing. “Even the honorable senator’s grand kids don’t trust him and he sees no need to bequeath a healthy planet to them.”
In accordance with the status quo Noise keeps getting reelected by stirring up racial distrust (in Wyoming?), dressing up like a cowboy and beating the Bible. Although these diversions have worked well in the past many rural voters are better informed today and keener on combating the negative affects of air pollution on the planet.
“A lot of these big oil puppets are linked to big pharmacy and big agriculture working like mad trying to grab every last cent of dirty money before the bottom falls out,” said the above source. “They are the swamp. I can’t wait to see them try to spend their fortunes from a prison cell.”
“There are no environmentalists in heaven,” said Noise. “Wind and solar are the work of the devil,” he stressed, fingering the Constitution. “It should be clear to all patriotic Americans that God wants us to drill.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Nature Conservancy To Purchase Africa
(Sawpit) In an attempt to reinvent Africa local environmentalists have announced the purchase of the dark continent. The closing took place in Nairobi this morning.
“We figured this is the only way to save the continent, plagued by disease, starvation and almost constant warfare,” said Muffy Hollandaise of the Nature Conservancy. “If Africans would only adopt our way of life they might be able to turn things around.”
Hollandaise, who admitted her knowledge of Africa was based on Tarzan movies, expressed surprise and muffled denial when it was suggested that most problems originated with European colonization in the latter 19th Century. The new landlords quickly began exploiting the vast mineral wealth and restructuring national boundaries based not on tribal considerations but rather to fit their own white agenda.
Some colonizers were inhumane. Most were harsh. None were benevolent
“We wanted to save the elephants and the rhinos from poachers, not to mention the mountain gorillas from the valley guerrillas,” added Hollandaise. “Many of the species there are endangered much like the African-American population on Colorado Avenue.”
The madness there today can be traced to that period of colonialism when that world was turned upside down. It is hoped that the purchase will allow residents there time to reflect on how better to employ resources, feed people and hammer out a lasting peace.
The price tag for the world’s second largest continent was not disclosed but one Placerville realtor, Hector Dusseldorf, told The Horseshoe that the commission “was substantial”.
-Uncle Pahgre
“Yerra mister, I wouldn’t start from here. Why don’t you go somewhere else before you try to get where your going.”
– common reply in Western Ireland when people ask for directions.
Trump Uruguay Apartments Taken Out by Comet
(Punta del Este) A 26-story apartment tower owned by the Trump family is no more after a collision with a small comet this morning. The stationary edifice was hit head-on by the unnamed comet traveling at a speed estimated to be 2000 miles per hour. According to American Fear-Based Weather forecasts the comet was not expected until 2029. While the Trump property is in shambles no other destruction was reported in the vicinity as vacationers enjoyed the peaceful beaches. Stunned emergency workers, surveyed the damage and isolated the epicenter (or ego climate) and spent hours putting out fires before a ground blizzard (first one ever recorded in the LaPlata Region) forced them to take shelter in a nearby cafe not touched by the comet. Trump blamed immigrants for the damage.
Gorilla Glue “Spill” Foils Congressional E-Seating
An unexplained application of super glue, allegedly smeared and squirted by terrorists, has prevented a quorum in the House and Senate. The intrusive substance, thought to be Gorilla Glue due to its bonding quotients, was disbursed onto all doors leading in and out of the legislative chamber preventing lawmakers from taking their accustomed seats Monday morning.
The doors, now welded shut with the fast acting chemical compound, have thwarted attempts by leaders here to E-Seat themselves in apprehension of hearings on term limits and campaign financing.
The term E-Seat refers to the eternal and elite status of the average Congressman who is supposed to represent the citizens of this country but often opts for its own interests instead. Many think the glue, liberally applied over the weekend, is the work of obstructionists intent of derailing investigations and hearings on the subject of corruption at the highest levels.
According to a history censor, on retainer at the Horseshoe, “There is no precedence here. The glue may just be a practical joke or a warning as to tar and feathering to come. The barrels discarded near the Capitol certainly validate the seriousness of the felonious maneuvers.
In response to the attack the White House had threatened to cut off all exit visas issued by the New Deep State. These were aimed at domestic detractors, local critics and the disloyal. The response was shelved when close aides informed the president that the country does not now require exit visas for anyone especially US passport holders.
The Trump people want exit these highly visible controls and are pushing for them. On paper the law allows for the establishment of such controls but has shunned the idea due to the expense and impracticability of such a move.
“These people are very much like gorillas,” said one political analyst. “Considering the recent bi-partisan track record in these chambers many of us think we should leave well enough alone until after the mid-term elections.
– Pepper Salte
Catholic Church Adopts Wells Fargo PR Campaign
(Rome) The Vatican is about to unleash an aggressive ad campaign intending to spit and polish its tainted image after news of further sexual abuses on young children by priests in Pennsylvania.
The public relations attempts are closely modeled on an attempted cleansing by Wells Fargo Bank, a financial institution indicted for fraud and subsequently fined $185 million by the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.
The church appears perched to embrace the bank’s struggle to regain credibility began earlier this summer with the slogan “Earning back your trust – Our Recommitment to You” which pleads guilty as charged but promises to be good in the future.
“We are reinventing ourselves,” said a spokesman for the Vatican.
Will the ad campaigns sound like this?
Wells fargo – Established 1852 AD Reestablished 2018 – (Yes, we were crooks but forgive us and we’ll try to be honest the next go round.)
The Catholic Church: Established 1 AD Reestablished 2018.
Wells Fargo was indicted for creating fraudulent accounts without the consent of clients. The bank could face another $1 billion in fines over fraud that forced customers to purchase unnecessary car insurance during the scam to bilk people of their money.
The Catholic Church has lost credibility due to continued sexual assaults on children and the powerless people they are in theory suppose to be helping.
Both could face further civil and criminal suits. Wells Fargo answers to few while the Church answers to no one (unless maybe all the fear-mongering about Heaven and Hell jargon is actually true).
The concept of “earning back your trust” is a relative term since many worldwide would never consider trusting known predators like these…persons of trust, no?
Wells fargo had planned a campaign including an endorsement by preachers on the payroll but they dropped the idea because lawyers feared legal action. Same with Church – only they planned to bring in the Price of Darkness himself to scare their flocks back into submission.
The bank’s new Victim Account pays back lost funds but does little to protect people’s credit rating often lowered as a result of the fraud. It looks to be another whitewash. Meanwhile the Church has done little or nothing to correct the sins a longstanding predators. Will the betrayals and cover-ups continue?
Our team will continue to work to redeem itself and salvage the confidence of our designated flocks,” said an attorney working with both entities. “Trust may have gone out the window but in time people will forget and walk right through the front door again.”
One customer at Wells Fargo said it best: “I bank there because I like stage coaches.”
No convincing concern for victims. More sincere ad campaign might be Please excuse our sociopathic manner – We got caught but we’re trying to convince you that we are nice now.
Yes, life is good if you are on the top of the revolving egg.
These developments have left many of us wondering whether criminal deeds like these should prevent both of these institutions from doing business in the country at all.
What then is gained by dazzling the fool?
Wells Fargo has put on its dirty white hat and increased minimum wage paid to tellers and non-executive personnel. Will the Vatican share it’s immense wealth with the poor of the planet? Most likely not.
–Melvin Toolini
“I only drink to make others interesting.” – Rahsaan Larry Kleenex
Incredible benefits of hemp (continued)
By now we have all heard about the wondrous benefits of THC, CBD oil and hemp. Are these claims valid? These people think so.
“My husband broke his arm during his high wire act on Monday and by Thursday it was just like new thanks to cannabis,” says Marcelle Pesterman.
“He’s doing flips and working out on the rings just like before. What would he have done without it?”
“I was on experimental pharmaceuticals for ten years but now I just take two pills made of marijuana and coconut cream and no more pain. I give it to the cats and dogs and even my house plants.”
– Neville Hoser, Manchester City
“I lost a toe to a lawn mower in 2017. Then I started taking hemp pills and in just three months it grew back as good as new.”
– Beyone Dynamite, Las Vegas, NM
“I fell 13 stories and bounced right back up because of my hemp clothing. It insulates and it kept me from zero tolerance with the pavement. I said goodbye to cotton and polyester. Imagine where I’d be today without a little THC!”
– Chad Rammerbean, Delta, CO
“I used to get lots of speeding tickets but now with hemp I have slowed way down and can even smell the roses at 30 mph. Today I go with the flow. I don’t worry anymore.”
– Xeno Phobichek
Marianne Marvelous says it saved her from a life of crime. The former fracking model was headed down the path of alcohol and destructive drugs when she discovered the benefits of a bong hit in the morning. Today she sips an occasional glass of wine and hits the hay at dusk. “No more social trauma. No more frantic mornings. No more questionable people hanging in the parking lot. If there is a stairway to heaven its made of hemp,” she asserts.
– Stoned in Oklahoma City
“I tried everything for hair loss but when I started eating specially prepared hemp and herbs daily I was a regular at the barber shop.”
– Roscoe Sainte
See what cannabis can do for you!
Learn more: Pot Saved My Puppy! She was housebroken in 2 days!
