All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Snow shovelers’ union weighs options

(Crested Butte) The local Brotherhood of Snow Removal Engineers will vote tonight on whether or not to support a wildcat strike that has already taken a heavy toll in ski resorts all over the West.

The 400-strong membership is upset by “intense seasonal demand and heartless lay-offs” that generally occur by mid-April. The local chapter is particularly affected by late season storms high up in the mountains that may not reach town. According to contracts, workers must be on full alert yet may never see a dime in pay.

Union leaders insist that members are at a distinct negotiation disadvantage after things start to melt. They compare the position to an emaciated snowman pleading for action on global warming while everyone knows he will not be here in the balmy dawn.

“They sweet talk us all winter but then when the weather changes we are discarded like long underwear and tire chains,” said one snow shoveler from the roof of Outquack Condos at Mt Crested Butte. “We have to eat all year too. It’s not fair to squash the existing social strata just because the snow has stopped.”

Management sources all over Colorado say they cannot afford to employ the snow engineers when there is no snow. They add that expensive plows and blowers require summer maintenance and that the core of veteran snow workers is kept on throughout most of the year.

“We think that is quite gracious of us,” said Ed Vail, operations manager at Aspen. “By very definition these snow monkeys have put themselves out of a job when the weather breaks. “If the rich weren’t here to provide employment for the poor we’d all be communist,” he said.

The Eastern arm of the BSRE, favoring frozen wages rather than a walkout, will not follow suit leaving sidewalks clear and roofs de-iced until a viable arrangement can be concluded.

“Things are quite different back east,” said a union spokesman. “Snow removal personnel there have other options such as farming and manufacturing. We have no factories and our growing season is about two weeks,” he calculated.

In addition, Rocky Mountain champagne snow must be handled carefully so as not to blow the cork and bruise the contents. It is easily damaged and cannot be thrown around indiscriminately. Workers here are highly skilled and depletion in the ranks is a constant threat. Snow removal workers from all over the world are in solidarity with the local Colorado unions. Some have threatened not to handle any snow originating from the United States until management comes around.

“All we want is justice for our workers, a half hour for lunch, accident insurance and our self esteem,” said a Swiss counterpart from Geneva. We want an end to icy ladders and equipment vouchers. We want our place in the sun. We will not stand still for piss tests anymore! “Pee for fun not under the gun,” he smiled.

Meanwhile police have arrested five people in connection with an alleged plot to burn down all the snow in the county as an act of defiance against someone or something.

          – Frosty Mirth

Things not to do while visiting Western Colorado this winter

Welcome visitors. Ski season is peaking out. Here are a few tips on how to get along better with the residents without surrendering impulsivity, dollars or your great sense of humor.

Never order the moose steak. These animals have just recently joined our Rocky Mountain fauna guest list and it would be rude. Try the beef or trout but if you must have wild game tell your waiter to bring you a rack of antelope ribs. We are closing out these flimsy mammals to make room for new merchandise this spring.

Don’t talk about “climate catastrophe” in public. It offends the sleepwalkers. It is also a good idea not to discuss anything that might force these people to think. Leave politics for the bar flies and bench philosophers.

Do not talk about Tommy knockers, cave spirits, Jackalopes, hidden gold or haunted mine shafts. It is a sensitive subject with most of us and does not concern you. Better to talk about the weather, sports or what you’re having for breakfast tomorrow with your green chilies.

Don’t dress up like a cowboy unless you have a horse in tow. If someone challenges you to a gunfight go to your hotel and wait there until the smoke clears. Oversize belt buckles can get you in real trouble if you get too close to the magnetic pull of the Continental Divide.

Cozy up to an ATM machine upon arrival. Always take out the highest amount allowable. It could snow and close the banks. Be sure to locate a pharmacy if you need prescription drugs. With the legalization on marijuana they are soon to be a thing of the past.

Never bitch about the roads. We know they’re bad and we also know about priorities, corruption and the difficulty transporting asphalt over the Great Divide. The roads are better on the Front Range because that’s where the money resides.

When entering a marijuana dispensary be cool and keep it simple. When leaving, don’t linger. Don’t smoke in the car or on the pavement. Pot may be legal but there are regulations and common sense restrictions. Try the cantaloupe stew or the pinto bean poppers when traveling to the pot store. Crime has dropped significantly since using marijuana is no longer a crime.

Don’t approach celebrities. Give them their space and their privacy. That includes self-made celebrities and those who think they are of that cloth. Never listen to the advice of a newcomer. They are just tourists with local post office boxes.

Never say anything like “Well, you can’t eat the scenery” or “Why are there all those deer on the highway at night?” Instead say: “Pass the jalapeños, Roy.”

Be nice, genuinely nice. We have all seen tourists trying to be cool. It’s ugly. Nice will get you everything you need. Relax and enjoy. You could even lie and tell locals how much you enjoy watching CU football. Coloradans are among the happiest people on the continent. Don’t rock the stage coach.

If you’re going for a drink go to the noisy bar not the fern bar. There are 20 rivers whose headwaters begin in Colorado. That makes us very thirsty. Purchase rounds whenever given the chance. Happy hours are worth it and should relive the pressure on the imbiber’s wallet.

Never forget your coat. Just because it’s 50 degrees at 3 o’clock doesn’t mean it will stay at that level. Once outside the bar the outstanding microbrews won’t keep you warm for long.

The sun and altitude won’t hurt you unless you are abusive. Drink lots of water and hold off on the booze for 24 hours after your elevation shift. Wear sunscreen but leave the fur boots and doggie sweaters at home.

Do not wear shirts and caps that say Texas or Oklahoma on them. Most people already know where you came from by the way you speak and do not need constant reminders.

Don’t pet dogs in back of pickups unless you are intimate with the dog.

Always return waves from other motorists on back roads. Take dirt roads over highways and forget the classic four-wheel-drive passes until at least mid-June.

Don’t tailgate. Yes, we know we are throwbacks with one-lane roads everywhere. Honor all stop signs since we can’t afford proper traffic lights. Your SUV is not bulletproof. Don’t drink and drive.

Never preface a sentence with “Back in (Moline) where I come from we…” Remember that one third of the state is owned and managed by the Feds. If someone asks your opinion on that just order more green chilies and a Coors.

Remember: The actions of these hick cops will stand up in court when you get back to civilization.

Summer will return say meteorologists

No matter what it feels like in February, summer will make its’ annual descent on the Rockies starting May 25 this year. On that day the temperature will reach 83 degrees at about 2:17 in the afternoon. The popular season is expected to stick around until October 16 accentuated by the repeated dustings of snow in the high country.

“Our Dirt Smells Even Better Under Eight Feet of Snow”

Crested Butte Soil Quality- Phase Two

Acknowledging that it would be next to impossible to prove that the scent of the earth’s crust is superior in Crested Butte, advocates of this phenomenon say it may help explain the unbridled popularity of the town with second homeowners.

(Gothic) Last summer a popular mountain biking promotional claimed that the dirt in Crested Butte smelled better than other dirt found elsewhere. The tongue-in-cheek announcement created a few laughs and shed some positive light on the sense of humor within the community.

Does Crested Butte dirt smell better even under all the snow?

Despite the fact that other locales expressed cynicism and that an accepted measure for determining dirt aroma is not available, the originators of this olfactive declaration are standing fast on stunning dirt fragrances.

“We’re on board with great smelling dirt under the snow,” said one copywriter involved in the original statement. “It just makes sense.”

“If I was going to drop $500,000 on a house I only used for two months per year I’d damn sure want to know the dirt smelled better than in Vail or Aspen,” said one local jokester.

-Small Mouth Bess

Marmots growing much larger, exhibiting taste for meat

Suddenly carnivorous, once vegetarian marmots are growing larger than ever before. To compensate for the bizarre growth these hungry animals may need more than seed and insects. Traditionally leaf-blossom and legume eating, these grand marmots often engage in frightening jungle behavior.

Yellow-bellied marmot in natural habitat on Red Mountain Pass. Growth spurts over the past years have resulted in a giant species much to the confusion of scientists and the chagrin of those on  the lower food chain.

They were once seen as cute and harmless, insignificant in a world of fast cars and even faster landslides. They were those meaningless herbivores, although they never really warmed to the name. The razor-sharp bicuspids would attest to a very different agenda.

Things may be very different soon.

Alpine biologists say it’s some more of that climate change business up high. More time to eat, less to sleep due to weather. Fur trappers, who pepper these hits in search of prey say the animals have always harbored vile resentment but until recently were too little to eat people.

“My partner Jeb got caught out alone in Bostwick Park when three or four of the marmots surrounded him. Fortunately Jeb distracts them with mirrors and trinkets then made his escape down the south wall of the Black Canyon.”

“He was never so happy to see the bright lights of Cimarron,” exhaled the trapper.

Civic leaders are calling for military action in the face of the burgeoning threat. They say they are at risk of being overrun in many of the more remote villages in the Rockies. Many have already called in airstrikes on their positions which they called insecure and tempting to the resurgent ravished rodents.

Already other predators like fox, coyote and deer have recorded incidents of bullying, hole (claim) jumping and seizure of foodstuffs to verify their claims.

The once cute, docile whistle pigs were wonderful neighbors who kept to themselves, scampering about among the boulders, the wildflowers, the scree and the tundra. They have had their day in the sun. Now they want their day in the sun, get it?

And they probably don’t like people talking or writing about them while they are hibernating either. In that light we will surrender the pen and bow out of the conversation gracefully with this above warning.

Scientists fear that when the rodents reach about 200 pounds the food chain will detour drastically leaving even urban residents at risk of vicious confrontations in their homes or on the street.

-Atila Diggins

(Continued on Hard News)

Trump Trumped by Bridge Society

(West Palmetto) The American Bridge Fellowship announced plans to drop the term trump from its rules book, jargon and vernacular it was disclosed following a light lunch this afternoon.

Saying the word association was hurting the game the card player’s league issued a temporary password replacement…for any reference to the noun or predicate and for the action of trumping:

Defined as…

noun

(in bridge, whist, and similar card games) a playing card of the suit chosen to rank above the others, which can win a trick where a card of a different suit has been led.

• (trumps) the suit having the rank above the others in a particular hand: the ace of trumps.

• (in a tarot pack) any of a special suit of 22 cards depicting symbolic and typical figures and scenes.

• (also trump card) a valuable resource that may be used, especially as a surprise, in order to gain an advantage: in this month General Haig decided to play his trump card: the tank.

• informal, dated a helpful or admirable person.

verb [with object]

(in bridge, whist, and similar card games) play a trump on (a card of another suit), having no cards of the suit led.

• beat (someone or something) by saying or doing something better: taste trumps most if not all other factors when consumers choose food products.

PHRASAL VERBS

trump something up

invent a false accusation or excuse: they’ve trumped up charges against her.

ORIGIN

early 16th century: alteration of triumph, once used in card games in the same sense.

The move was lauded even applauded by fringe groups within the 104-card deck including the maverick legions of the American Contract Bridge League.

That powerful lobby issued a warning with regard to bad links and termination dates on such perishables as felt, plastic visors, poker chips and traditional gourmet items hinged to the competition.

“Our tedious relations with banks have been legendary for decades,” said Marvel Malaroitte, of the parent group.

“We met Mr. Trump in bankruptcy court in 2005. We had both lost our appeals and he threw a tantrum outside on the steps of the municipal building.”

Moments after the resolution angry onlookers filed into the offices of the American Bridge Fellowship bent on retribution. All they found were empty files and a sign “Gone fishing hanging on the front door.

Perhaps Eldon Tinkleholland, recognized poet laureate of card tricks, dramatized the tragedy best: “Hatless against the stark ballast of seething clouds and Elvis haircuts, the angst of a biting winter gale at eyebrow level they came, only to be dealt the death blow from a rat-like foe who had skedaddled with the cheese a long time ago.”   

“We thought these people built infrastructure but all they do is sit round all day and play cards,” said Oreo Mumblee, an unemployed welder who hasn’t been dealt a fair hand in weeks. “A left bar by any other name is still a left bar.”

Good idea. Let’s end this ridiculous attempt at news writing and adjourn to the romantic Drunken Fern where we can get better acquainted. Bridge anyone? Canasta? How about a tight round of Pinochle?