All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Guns and Moses Cancels Gig in Mañana

(Cambridge-on-Tomichi) The semi-popular foursome, Guns and Moses will not perform as scheduled here due to an unseen roller derby conflict according the manager Biff Bungler.

By way of explanation the apologetic Bungler contended that the band, endorsed by both the National Rifle Association and the local synagogue was overcome with acute schizophrenia as well as a case of the sniffles.

“Prior commitments to the sport of roller derby prevent the boys from crossing the Gunnison River due to a no compete clause in their contract,” clipped Bungler.

Guns and Roses are considered one hit Willies after the marginal success of their single “Praise the Lard and Pass the Malnutrition” which sold well in the provinces but never made headway in the cities.

Replacing Guns and Moses will be Saint Paul’s Assault Rifles, a 111-member chutney marching jam band that features a stunning marmalade fireworks display during one of many snare drum solos.

“That way we don’t have to give anyone their money back,” added Bungler, who some say has squandered proceeds at the Tobacco Revenge Casino on the Mt. Hashmore Preserve.

Bungler had no comment when asked to confirm rumors that Guns and Moses was in jail (en-suite) in Salida for alleged espionage activities and conspiracy to overthrow the gov’ment.

From the desk of the Dublin Magistrate (Continued)

so that the unsuspecting O’Toole had already managed to drown whatever sorrows he possessed and began intruding on the problems of others at the bar.

All seemed to be going fine until the 101-year-old started to waver a bit, smiled faintly and nose-dived to the floor. Other patrons later told the police that they had never seen an old man perfect an inward, twisting dive in with such poise and determination. Then strangers scooped him up and sat him on secure perch away from a steep stairway that threatened to gobble him up just moments before.

The Banker, off-kilter on its own, has banned all American journalists in response to literary plunges and missed deadlines associated with daily specials.

A spokesman for the Banker Lounge (pictured) at 16 Trinity Street, Dublin, told The Horseshoe that the elderly Toole had consumed 13 Clonakilty sausages and a butchers 1/2 pounder from Skibereen and that his he still had food on his face when he came in.

“We should have detected something odd since it is virtually impossible to find these West Cork delights in Dublin City,” said the singing bartender named Gary (no last name given).

He then washed down the preposterous culinary assemblage with three pints of Guinness and a tumbler of John Powers Hibernian whiskey (no ice).

A Rathmines attorney, representing the old man, said the bar was clearly negligent in that his client was grossly over-served and caught up in the web of seditious conversation. In addition he appeared visibly moved by the selections of Aretha Franklin on the jukebox while intent on impressing a lovely waitress on exchange from from the renown Jesus, Mary and Joseph Cantina in Mexico City.

“We must be more watchful over our older drunks,” said the lawyer. “These are national treasures and should be protected for posterity. We will miss them when they’re gone.”

Although no legal action has been filed at this time it is expected that Toole will sue for damages and and the lasting affects of public humiliation. If all proceeds well he hopes to own the pub by summer tourist season.

International blowback, akin the the much publicized Brexit bungle, threatens to unseat longstanding traditions at The Oak, at 81 Dame (at Crane Street) where Toole has taken up residence until matters are sorted out after the bank holiday.

-Fred Zeppelin

Guthrie Rolls in Grave

(Tulsa, OK) Deceased activist/folk singer Woody Guthrie rolled over in his grave this morning after an announcement that 4000 more jobs would be shipped overseas. This corporate action, which dictates the closure of two plants in Michigan and one in Ohio, translates to more unemployment in an area hit hard over the last decade.

For those of you who have not been paying attention, multi-national corporations, in an attempt to secure cheap labor and tax breaks, have been setting up shop in Third World countries since various free trade agreements, including NAFTA, were concluded during the Clinton Administration.

Shock waves from the Guthrie incident, measured 5.2 on the Richter scale were felt all the way to Washington yet surprisingly there was little physical damage to the cemetery. The rumblings reportedly began early in the morning and lasted only a few minutes.

Guthrie, a pro-union activist, was particularly affective in encouraging union members to stand up for their rights in the 30s and 40s. The lyrics in his songs of the open road and the injustices he encountered still apply today.

In a related ashes to ashes development Paraguay announced that it was exhuming the remains of former dictator, General Alfredo Stroessner, who died in 2006. Uruguay will follow suit despite the fact that former dictator Juan Maria Bordaberry, who died in 2011, still pokes his head up every so and again. Both are accused and in some places indicted for crimes during their respective reigns. They were staunch anti-communists and allies of the United States.

It is not known if this action is directly connected to Guthrie.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“What is the matter with the poor is poverty; what is the mater with the rich is uselessness.” – George Bernard Shaw

IRISH MATH CHALLENGE

1. There are 214 year-round residents and 4 pubs in Leap, West Cork, Ireland. How many pubs is that per person? If that population were spread out evenly on Saturday night how many would be in each pub?

2. How is it possible to walk all over the city of Dublin and not pass so much as one pub?

(Answers: .018 pubs per person, 53.5 persons in each pub. Go into all of them).

McGinty Lands Victorian

(Gothic) Wardene McGinty, the woman who successfully sued the Big Chief Grocery chain over the size of a holiday turkey, has purchased a $850,000 Victorian home on White Rock Avenue according unconfirmed sources here. Readers will recall the horrendous fire that destroyed McGinty’s line shack near the Crested Butte Bad Karma Dump on November 27. No?

The police report says:On November 26 a Crested Butte woman purchased what turns out to have been a ten-pound turkey, mistakenly marked as a 25-pound turkey. The next day she followed cooking instructions per pound, leaving the bird to cook for the prescribed six plus hours while she went to the popular Juanito’s El Curvo bar for refreshment. According to fire department officials the bird finished cooking in three hours, exploded and started the fire which destroyed her shabby little home.

Subsequent testimony reaffirmed the developments and McGinty, at the urging of a battery of TV lawyers, sued the grocery store for misinforming her as to the weight of the bird and blaming the mindless discrepancy for the destruction of her abode.

After an emotional plea, wherein an abandonment by her husband was repeatedly cited, McGinty was awarded $3.2 million in an out of a quart settlement. The rest is history.

For public information: McGinty’s former husband, the now deceased Padriac McGinty, a native of Kinvara, Republic of Ireland, managed to accumulate a fortune in the janitorial supply business but drank it up between the years of 2015 and 2018 leaving the family penniless. As we have previously suggested: readers may remember (though the inebriated Padriac would not have recalled) accounts of this disgraceful behavior printed in The San Juan Horseshoe at the time.
As it turns out McGinty’s outlandish, yet impressive boozing is one of the contributing reasons for the paper’s continued policy not to hire Irish journalists unless they have papers and their own flasks.

– Owen Roe O’Neill

“Would that the Roman people had a single neck.”(to cut off their head) – Emperor Caligula (Gaius Caesar)

Canned Laughter Pulled From Shelves

(Ridgway) Grocery stores and supermarkets will begin pulling canned laughter from their shelves Monday as part of the Federal Uniformity Act, passed late last night after the bars closed.

The presence of the canned laughter, once considered an integral part of Americana, has been determined to be far too diverse for today’s politically correct consumer. The mandatory removal will be followed up by the release of more uniform entertainment response apparatus aimed at making the citizenry more alert to the dangers posed by foreign comics and those who seek to bring down the present gov’ment.

“It’s all about perception,” said one grocer who supports the effort. “We still have frozen chuckles and freeze-dried smirks for the die-hard. We’d like to see a populace who could decide when to laugh and what to laugh about…on their own with prompts and mob mentality. Isn’t that the core of Democracy?”

Persons hoping to stockpile canned laughter for the winter have until the weekend to do so. Quantities are limited.   – Melvin Toole