All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Colona Home Owners Annual Postponed
(Buckhorn Heights) The first annual Members Meeting of the Colona Home Owners Association was abruptly cancelled Saturday after no one showed up at the Colona Schoolhouse. The scheduled gathering, aimed at drawing up a binding charter and pass a slew of ordinances that no one would obey was rescheduled for March of 2022.
The previous Home Owners assembly, held way back in 1982, recorded no old business and there was no new business slated for the called off session this year.
“We’re all about community here,” said one participant that didn’t participate, “which is defined as live as let live and minding one’s own business,”
County and state sources contend that the Colona Homeowners Association does not possess the proper licensing and is therefore null and void.
“In our eyes it is a rogue organization with no clear plan for the future much less the past and present,” continued the source.
Meanwhile rumors are flying as to a military occupation of the town until a leadership hierarchy can be established and rascals residing there can be brought to heel.
-Suzie Compost
“Donald Trump doesn’t know beans about the Bible,”
– Rev D.K. Goya Freshaire
Who’s been eating my tomatoes?
Rogue raiders are munching on my garden by moonlight while I fritter away the early hours, just feet from the crime scene. One would think my alleged snoring would keep them at bay. I never had this problem when I grew cannabis with my fruit and vegetables.
People tell me it’s raccoons, which makes sense considering the fact that the tomatoes were surgically removed with no sign of a struggle. The prize was stolen without upsetting so much as a leaf but I noticed some chewed stalk ends, probably compliments of my resident mule deer named Eduardo after a Uruguayan friend who loves roasted venison.
Nothing else has been taken. My peppers are fine and my green onions are untouched. They just want my tomatoes. I even left them some Olathe Sweet Corn that had been nibbled down to the stalk but still had the aroma. They ignored it. May they burn in raccoon hell, if in fact they are raccoons at all. It could be marauding badgers.
And let’s not take the easy route here by blaming the birds. Yes, the hummingbirds are attracted to bright, red tomatoes but they only hover. The newly arrived magpies don’t seem interested either. The doves are too timid and the hawks busy hunting for meat, not greens and reds. Maybe it’s rodents or a trekking bruin.
Last night I slept in a lawn chair with shotgun across my lap, then at 3 am I heard something creeping around but it was only a mule deer quite content to eat from my apple trees. Chow down. I have lots of apples. It’s the tomato slaughter that has intruded into my very dreams. Note: Get some sleep tonight.
I wrapped floodlights around a nearby tree and poured cayenne around the plot. Now I have bad hip-hop music set to go on at the smallest provocation. It will wake up my neighbors but I don’t like them anyway. There. The hoses are rigged, buckets in the trees and baited traps everywhere.
Maybe a hand grenade strung up with concertina wire? That would probably only get the attention of the sheriff’s department.
And they were still green, still babes on the vine, little green innocents who had never been able to experience adult life. Cannibals! Murderers! Show yourselves!
Back to the birds — They wouldn’t eat that many and they’d leave white poop tracers everywhere. Mice wouldn’t make it past the cat patrols. My neighbors’ chickens aren’t intellectually capable of the multi-tasking required to land a tomato. It’s got to be those reintroduced wolves! Damn liberals – We told them the wolves and tomatoes did not mix.
Someone suggested I trap the culprits, haul them off and leave them to their own devices up on the Uncompahgre Plateau. That could work if I knew the approximate size of the bandits. I guess I could use tomatoes as bait but that would seem counter-productive.
I had about 50 in tight little clusters, still quite green but growing bigger in the Rocky Mountain sunshine. Hot weather had stunted them but they were surviving.
I am not upset by the elk nibbling on my lawn and mosquitoes making their last stand eating me. These ruffians dragged off my mail order scarecrow from last year. On a positive: the few tomatoes I have enjoyed this year are among the best I have ever tasted. Nice, big and juicy. Wait a little longer for the salsa, wait for the stews, and wait for the BLT. Will I be deprived of my crowning harvest come November?
Now I’ve come to find out that my neighbor’s garden has been invaded as well. They got every squash. How dare they put the entire community at risk just for their selfish stomachs. At this altitude it can be taxing to grow anything much besides weeds like cannabis. Have they no empathy? Who would think it? This backstabbing wildlife crime, this vile trespass.
Now the victim has become the hunter. It’s not the coyotes out in their pasture dens. They don’t eat tomatoes. It’s not the Cat Lady’s crew from next door. It’s not the neighbor’s dumb, barking dogs or the meandering cattle that call this place home. It’s not the local mountain lions or even a bear that would make a lot of racket and leave a mess behind.
It’s not my responsibility to see that these little intruders go to bed happy with a full tummy.
I even bought bad boy bacon that I realize will kill me but tastes so good with homegrown tomatoes. Next year peppers, zucchini squash, green onions, cannabis and yes, more tomatoes.
Then on the third night out in the lawn chair something frightening happened. A space ship appeared and several floating, transparent beings exited the craft. I stayed as quiet as I could. They were there for my tomatoes. Could not believe my eyes when…
To be continued
McConnell will bankroll Second Coming
(Glasgow, KY) In what many see as a desperate 11th hour maneuver in his ever diminishing bid to hold his Senate seat in Kentucky, Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell is promising the moon to the primitives that dawdle within his current base.
He has promised to pay for the Second Coming.
The wealthy politician did not change expression when he made the announcement. Likewise he did not disclose details or fiscal data on the outrageous undertaking, saying only that the Republicans will “once again show themselves as the party of God.”
The appearance has been coincidentally validated by “an assortment of doctoral sources, most of whom are graduates of religion institutions with accreditation and everything”, The celebration has been scheduled for sometime in late October, preceding the 2020 elections.
“We will accommodate the Lord on a fancy bluegrass estate worth just over 7 million in poverty-stricken Kentucky, says McConnell who reportedly bought the place back in 2018 to accommodate Jesus when he returned to America “to punish sinners and embrace the good folk”.
“His room is ready and waiting for him.” said McConnell who claims Christian roots when it is beneficial to him and talks salvation as part of his re-election bid, especially in more backward and rarely visited hollows in the Briar Hopper State.
A spokesman for Democrat Amy McGrath, the former Marine fighter pilot who seeks to dethrone weak-kneed McConnell, says the senator has been twisting the truth for so long that “he has not only stripped the screw bare but is beginning to resemble a soft pretzel in thought and action.”
“He always looks like he’s about to break down and cry,” said the source. “With all the subsidies, payoffs and personal gratuities he has amassed from special interest groups he should be dancing a jig.”
“This pledge is about as worthless as the life expectancy of Ghislaine Maxwell,” said an unidentified Kentucky Libertarian.
“This pledge is about as worthless as the life expectancy of Ghislaine Maxwell,” said an unidentified Kentucky Libertarian
No liberals will be permitted to talk to Jesus even though the prophet was a left-leaning radical and all.
“We will avoid needless publicity as Satan the Democrat is lurking,” said the source. “After an informal reception at an undisclosed locale he will be whisked off to Fat Margo Resort for meetings with pardoned criminals, corporate bosses and pseudo-religious figures.
“We saved the coal mines and the farmers.,” said an aide to McConnell. Now we’re gonna save your freedom from socialism.”
In a related piece the Trump supporters that got on the wrong bus at Branson, Missouri have been rescued and are now reportedly on the correct bus.
“It could happen to any of us, but it happens to these folks rather regularly,” frowned one travel guide on the scene.
Sadly, only one of the flag-waving patriots of 50 on board could tell us what each star and/or stripe designates. One named three but had a cheat sheet while another insisted that the intricacy of the 206-year-old banner is proof that God is American. None could say where Ft. McHenry was located.
(Editor’s Note: Just to set the record straight, no one associated with sanjuanhorseshoe.com ever said that McConnell could not learn to ride a bicycle as a child. We simply commented that, “In a behavioral cluster, linked to the orange fat guy, we have never witnessed the Senate Majority Leader ride a bicycle.”)
Despite accusations of insider trading regarding recently acquired funeral industry stock, McConnell is slated to meet with Russian boss Vladimir Putin to discuss opening a market for Goya Beans in the Russian Federation over the weekend.
-Tommy Middlefinger
Your Word of the Day Hoodwinked: It’s easier to fool someone than to convince them they have been fooled.
Feds, states terminate speed limits on highways
“Inconvenient and Depriving Me of My Freedom”
“We’ve had so many complaints from people who want to drive faster than the speed limit that we’re relaxing these long-held restraints.”
Those are the hollow words of Omega Man who adds that the entire sideshow is “pure folly”.
“We were inundated with confrontations, even brawls with angry, dispossessed Americans who say they won’t drive slower as prescribed by the gov’ment.” he rattled. “They were armed to the teeth.”
“They all threatened us,” sobbed Evonne Dimm, of the local asphalt users co-op in Manana. “You won’t infringe on my freedoms,” they said. “Speed limits don’t work – Look at all the highway fatalities.”
Dimm went on to say that the people had spoken.
“In a democracy like ours , you know the land of the free, we listen to our neighbors, so I guess speed limits are a thing of the past. Let’s all try to work together to privatize our liberties,” she stressed dismissively.
Hasty actions are expected within the residue of the draconian face mask controversy but for now Americans are free to floor it and drive as fast as they choose.
“Speed limits are unconstitutional,” said one self-described pedal to the metal kinda guy. “It says it right there in the Puritan’s Progress.
-Alfalfa Romero
“The pro here told me if I took up golf I’d meet legions of beautiful women. So far I’ve only met old farts like me.” -Melvin O’Toole, Dos Rios Golf Club, Gunnison, Colorado, August 25, 2020
Jesus, Mohammed not taking sides
(Baghdad) In long awaited, simultaneous announcements both Jesus and Mohammed say they are not taking sides in Mideast conflicts and that their allegiances and alliances are not with either the Arabs, the Persians, the Russians or the West.
The combined statements clearly indicate that the two leading religious icons are staying out of the earthly squabbles. Both stressed the folly of God siding with anybody on anything, adding that these self-serving holy warriors are sadly mistaken and poorly informed. They counted Buddha, too, who they said was is in full compliance with their longstanding policy of non-intervention.
No present day church leaders were not consulted, never mind included, in this ancient faction.
“They have done immeasurable damage to the human race and are generally thought to be war mongers and money changers,” brashly punctuated a press release slid under our door this morning.
Meanwhile the head of the World Bank, B.L. Zebub, said his institution would continue to support both sides in emerging conflicts, depending on who has the most cash on hand at the time.
“Collateral damage is to be expected in modern warfare,” said a dark-winged angel. “We congratulate man for his ingenuity in weaponry and population control. Meanwhile we will continue to process the damned, overwhelmed but not yet overrun.”
– H.L. Menoken
“Socialism never works until Grandma needs a ride on the bus.” – Leon Blotzky
The Ouray Solid Muldoon – What you need to know
The following was lifted from August 14, 1885 issues of the Ouray Solid Muldoon with the verbal approval of David Day’s ghost. The format is loose, concise and to the point.
Chauncy Brandelberry, who is credited with having two wives living is now in jail in Montrose charged with bigamy. On May 20 the Muldoon contained an account of the trip of Mrs Brandelberry No. 1 as far as Ouray from a town 80 miles north of Ogden, Utah, in search of her child left in the care of Bradelberry. She alleges that on her arrival here she found that her husband had remarried again without going through the usual form of procuring a divorce. She accrued the services of deputy Cuddihy of Montrose who went in search of the too-muchly-married man and found him living with Mrs Brandelberry No. 2 in the Paradox Valley. Cuddihy took possession of the husband and the child and started back to Montrose. However, on the way Bradelberry escaped, but was recently captured and now languishes in the Montrose bastille. Mrs Brandeberry No. 1 is now in Montana awaiting developments.
You don’t find false teeth in the soup of some of the Ouray hash dives, as was the custom a few years ago, but the table butter is still a home for aged and decrepit cockroaches and bed bugs with high water pants.
Joe McCormick was arrested here last Saturday, and is now in jail on the charge of horse stealing. McCormick hired the horse at Dallas, and sold it here in Ouray to Frank Hopkins, giving him a bill of sale for the animal.
Frank James has invited Sam Jones to call his way and squirt religion at the unbelievers. Missourians, with their six-shooters attached are not calculated to enthuse the latter day parson. The acrobatic sky pilot of the Brooklyn tabernacle has returned from Europe and the great dailies will once more have special telegrams of his sermons–sent by mail.
Old man Hope of Red Mountain believed until recently that Kansas was made up of nothing but Republicans and grasshoppers. Now he is of the opinion that a few Democrats inhabit that land.
The number of plain and fancy drunks that could have been docketed at Fort Kayser yesterday morning were not called owing to the leniency and goodness of the heart of the justice. As a town agitator a $20,000 fire is a howling success. It’s hard to decide which was most disastrous, the fire or the drunk.
The Muldoon wishes to say once more that it will publish anonymous communications or personal grievances. If you have it in for your neighbor write him a letter yourself and tell him what a disreputable cuss he is and sign your name to it. This will throw the responsibility on your own shoulders and give vent to your pent-up feelings. This way of sneaking around to a newspaper office and getting in your spite work through the publisher, who has no interest whatsoever in your quarrels, is not only cowardly but vicious, and we won’t have any of it in ours. If you want to go over to your neighbor’s and give him a clubbing, set his house on fire or murder his family, we will detail a reporter to write up the affair, as it then becomes a public matter and of considerable import as a news item. Otherwise keep your skeletons in your own closet and give us a rest.
The snow is a foot deep over in Silverton while here in Ouray the song of the mocking bird in the magnolias mingles with the soft sighing of gentle southern zephyrs. Blessed Ouray.
A fight to the finish with two-ounce gloves is to come off Monday night at Wright’s Opera House between Jack Davis of Ouray and Billy Rae of Arizona, for $100 a side. As many of these encounters are mere hippodromes to get the gate money Mayor Rowan, before giving permission for the fight, extracted twice that sum from unnamed promoters at the north edge of town.
General Palmer and party, all stockholders in the Denver & Rio Grande, were in town this week and went over to look at the mines in Marshal Basin.
The card in the Plaindealer last week from Rev. Long, denying the allegations set forth in the Muldoon, that he did not refuse to hold services over the remains of Dave Selby and that he did not work and make noise while the funeral services were in progress at the church opposite, should not have been written if the revered gentleman believes the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We now report that he not only refused to hold services, and made the noise as stated, and have a number of reliable and prominent citizens to bear us out in our statement if he sees fit to call for proof.
Otto Mears’ private car was anchored in Ouray last night.
Iranstan continues to hold out on the big bodies of ore cut a few weeks ago and promises to be one of the best and biggest shippers in the Red Mountain district.
God bless the hayseeds. They are great people.
Free fight among the Cornishmen at the Sheridan Mine on election day.
Annex extension of Terrible has cut a foot of ore that assays 727 ounces. The claim, that bids fair to the great shipper is owned by Wm. F Maher and John N. Caldwell, among others.
The Ute uprising has petered out and our boys in blue can play soldier again.
G.T. Whittemore, a miner working on the Terrible, fell over the dump about November 1 and ruptured himself. He was brought down to town on Tuesday from the mine and placed in the hospital, where an operation was performed by Doctors Rowan and Mayfield, who found the man to be in a state of advanced gangrene.
