All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Jesus, Mohammed not taking sides

(Baghdad) In long awaited, simultaneous announcements both Jesus and Mohammed say they are not taking sides in Mideast conflicts and that their allegiances and alliances are not with either the Arabs, the Persians, the Russians or the West.

The combined statements clearly indicate that the two leading religious icons are staying out of the earthly squabbles. Both stressed the folly of God siding with anybody on anything, adding that these self-serving holy warriors are sadly mistaken and poorly informed. They counted Buddha, too, who they said was is in full compliance with their longstanding policy of non-intervention.

No present day church leaders were not consulted, never mind included, in this ancient faction.

“They have done immeasurable damage to the human race and are generally thought to be war mongers and money changers,” brashly punctuated a press release slid under our door this morning.

Meanwhile the head of the World Bank, B.L. Zebub, said his institution would continue to support both sides in emerging conflicts, depending on who has the most cash on hand at the time.

“Collateral damage is to be expected in modern warfare,” said a dark-winged angel. “We congratulate man for his ingenuity in weaponry and population control. Meanwhile we will continue to process the damned, overwhelmed but not yet overrun.”

– H.L. Menoken

“Socialism never works until Grandma needs a ride on the bus.”   – Leon Blotzky

The Ouray Solid Muldoon – What you need to know

The following was lifted from August 14, 1885 issues of the Ouray Solid Muldoon with the verbal approval of David Day’s ghost. The format is loose, concise and to the point.

Chauncy Brandelberry, who is credited with having two wives living is now in jail in Montrose charged with bigamy. On May 20 the Muldoon contained an account of the trip of Mrs Brandelberry No. 1 as far as Ouray from a town 80 miles north of Ogden, Utah, in search of her child left in the care of Bradelberry. She alleges that on her arrival here she found that her husband had remarried again without going through the usual form of procuring a divorce. She accrued the services of deputy Cuddihy of Montrose who went in search of the too-muchly-married man and found him living with Mrs Brandelberry No. 2 in the Paradox Valley. Cuddihy took possession of the husband and the child and started back to Montrose. However, on the way Bradelberry escaped, but was recently captured and now languishes in the Montrose bastille. Mrs Brandeberry No. 1 is now in Montana awaiting developments.

You don’t find false teeth in the soup of some of the Ouray hash dives, as was the custom a few years ago, but the table butter is still a home for aged and decrepit cockroaches and bed bugs with high water pants.

Joe McCormick was arrested here last Saturday, and is now in jail on the charge of horse stealing. McCormick hired the horse at Dallas, and sold it here in Ouray to Frank Hopkins, giving him a bill of sale for the animal.

Frank James has invited Sam Jones to call his way and squirt religion at the unbelievers. Missourians, with their six-shooters attached are not calculated to enthuse the latter day parson. The acrobatic sky pilot of the Brooklyn tabernacle has returned from Europe and the great dailies will once more have special telegrams of his sermons–sent by mail.

Old man Hope of Red Mountain believed until recently that Kansas was made up of nothing but Republicans and grasshoppers. Now he is of the opinion that a few Democrats inhabit that land.

The number of plain and fancy drunks that could have been docketed at Fort Kayser yesterday morning were not called owing to the leniency and goodness of the heart of the justice. As a town agitator a $20,000 fire is a howling success. It’s hard to decide which was most disastrous, the fire or the drunk.

The Muldoon wishes to say once more that it will publish anonymous communications or personal grievances. If you have it in for your neighbor write him a letter yourself and tell him what a disreputable cuss he is and sign your name to it. This will throw the responsibility on your own shoulders and give vent to your pent-up feelings. This way of sneaking around to a newspaper office and getting in your spite work through the publisher, who has no interest whatsoever in your quarrels, is not only cowardly but vicious, and we won’t have any of it in ours. If you want to go over to your neighbor’s and give him a clubbing, set his house on fire or murder his family, we will detail a reporter to write up the affair, as it then becomes a public matter and of considerable import as a news item. Otherwise keep your skeletons in your own closet and give us a rest.

The snow is a foot deep over in Silverton while here in Ouray the song of the mocking bird in the magnolias mingles with the soft sighing of gentle southern zephyrs. Blessed Ouray.

A fight to the finish with two-ounce gloves is to come off Monday night at Wright’s Opera House between Jack Davis of Ouray and Billy Rae of Arizona, for $100 a side. As many of these encounters are mere hippodromes to get the gate money Mayor Rowan, before giving permission for the fight, extracted twice that sum from unnamed promoters at the north edge of town.

General Palmer and party, all stockholders in the Denver & Rio Grande, were in town this week and went over to look at the mines in Marshal Basin.

The card in the Plaindealer last week from Rev. Long, denying the allegations set forth in the Muldoon, that he did not refuse to hold services over the remains of Dave Selby and that he did not work and make noise while the funeral services were in progress at the church opposite, should not have been written if the revered gentleman believes the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We now report that he not only refused to hold services, and made the noise as stated, and have a number of reliable and prominent citizens to bear us out in our statement if he sees fit to call for proof.

Otto Mears’ private car was anchored in Ouray last night.

Iranstan continues to hold out on the big bodies of ore cut a few weeks ago and promises to be one of the best and biggest shippers in the Red Mountain district.

God bless the hayseeds. They are great people.

Free fight among the Cornishmen at the Sheridan Mine on election day.

Annex extension of Terrible has cut a foot of ore that assays 727 ounces. The claim, that bids fair to the great shipper is owned by Wm. F Maher and John N. Caldwell, among others.

The Ute uprising has petered out and our boys in blue can play soldier again.

G.T. Whittemore, a miner working on the Terrible, fell over the dump about November 1 and ruptured himself. He was brought down to town on Tuesday from the mine and placed in the hospital, where an operation was performed by Doctors Rowan and Mayfield, who found the man to be in a state of advanced gangrene.

Uncompahgre a Ute Hippie Word?

The Uncompahgre Valley in summer. Long-held views claim that the often difficult word Uncompahgre means bitter water, although recent idiomatic research suggests otherwise. Thousands of Ute Hippies once roamed these mountains back before the white folks and the mad work ethic showed up in the 1870s. Living in teepees, hunting with horses and dancing around campfires, the Ute Nation had a language distinct from most Rocky Mountain tribes favoring a dialect spoken by the Aztec Hippies. Young Ute warriors were much influenced by Apache punk bands and considered the Navajo to be “weak-kneed posers” according to the scant evidence that exists. Uncompahgre also relates to the feeling of well-being derive from thermal soaks and horse racing.

GOP Bad Tippers

Despite billions raised for Trump re-election campaign Republicans bad tippers say servers in DC.

Ten percent is almost unheard of, unless the benevolent patrons are drunk or they are trying to impress. They usually pick up the tab in the spotlight then leave little or nothing for the service. The actions are often embarrassing even to their often-flawed children, who too are instructed in the fine art of knife and fork elitism and condescending treatment of wait personnel.

“Where on this menu does it instruct or even remotely suggest I leave money under my saucer?” asked one representative from way out of town. “Leaving money on the table is so crude, so gauche.

“Then on top of it all these self-absorbed twits want separate checks. It’s an endemic infection within the elected species,” chimed in a waitperson from Foggy Bottom. “These are the kind that would pick up a dime off the men’s room floor and immediately bite it to see if it’s made from real silver.”

Social scientists conclude that the tightfisted behavior originated in the governing chambers where Republican congressmen vote to give that legislative body systematic raises, but stop short of supporting an increase in the minimum wage, fair housing postulates and programs for the poor.

“It’s not about the money. It’s about control,” said one Baltimore sociologist. “We see a combination of hoarding and stinginess with a big scoop of privilege (white or other primary colors).  It’s as if they think they are getting one over on the waitperson by not leaving even minimal gratuity.”

Others suffer from Andrew Carnegie Syndrome where they feel compelled to throw a few patriarchal scraps to their underlings just as long as they fully understand the pecking order, avert their gaze, bow their heads and keep to their place.

“Imagine spending less than one percent of your earnings and having them build statues in your honor,” laughed a bartender from Petworth. “That’s a pretty good return on the legacy dollar.”

And of course there are the politicians from simpleton backwaters who just don’t comprehend  the concept of tipping. Here are some curious, though common responses of Republicans when asked what they think of sharing a tip or any perquisites related to dining out:

1. “They get too much already.”

2. “Paying for the food is enough. The service is an expected duty not an add on after the final burp.”

3. “Every sitting member of Congress gets by without tips. Why can’t they?”

4. “Jesus never tipped, even at the Last Supper. It says so in the Bible.”

5. “I’ve seen the restaurant types, these foodie hipsters, these six-top vagabonds in action. They’ll just use the money for drugs.”

Many eateries in the nation’s capital have refused service to GOP patrons and promise to continue to boycott them until they develop a little heart. Landmark restaurants say are still uncertain of what action to take if any, since most don’t expect the Republican Party to survive much past November anyway.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

County Could See Solar Cows by 2025

(Ridgway) If genetic research stays on track local solar-operated cattle could grace local pastures by spring. Already progress has been swift in the area of bovine support systems and fuel additives aimed at changing the way the animals get their nourishment.

For centuries domestic cows have been fed on grasses and other roughage with predictable results on the methane gas end. There is also the rising cost of suitable fuel and the constant clean-up effort. With the application of solar principles the tedious chores of feeding and irrigation will end, the entire operation run by one person from his laptop.

“Some old-timers are resistant to these genetically altered improvements,” said Dr Alice Phallfa, of Sunnyside Slope Extension Service. “But they had better get out the way. Science marches on, even in the hay fields and barnyards of jerkwater America.”

Phallfa says the concept is solid and that cows can run on power generated by the sun for up to 15 hours per day. In addition they do not wander far from pasture batteries and elaborate systems of fence are no longer necessary.

“The quality of dairy products and beef does not suffer in the solar test breeds either,” she continued. “In fact many people prefer solar produced milk and cheeses. We hope to expand this breakthrough to include goats and sheep too.”

Phallfa refused to comment when asked about the controversial Morning After Mad Cow Pill which is already in circulation in places like Asia, Africa, Europe, South America, Mexico and Canada.

“We’d like to thank the San Juan Horseshoe for the extensive coverage of a subject that other periodicals are afraid to undress,” she skirted. “Without courageous journalists like this we’d be back in the stoned age.”

In a related update it appears that the Ridgway Farmer’s Market has beat the white slavery rap that has hounded that agricultural contingent for the past months.

“We do not and have never sold farmers at any of our produce affairs,” said a spokesperson. “We do not condone human bondage, unless of course it is within the privacy of the home and with adult consent, and have never suggested it as a viable alternative to free range eggs or organic lettuce.”

Off the record the spokesman admitted that white slavery might be lucrative, especially during the winter months but that the population no longer seems interested in buying farmers anymore what with the new City Market and all the wonderful fast food outlets only a short drive away in Montrose.

It was not clear if any of this indicates a general economic slowdown across the nation or if humans would survive another decade eating out of cans.

– Melvin O’Toole

Melvin O’Toole has published over 10,000 articles on hermetically altered foods. He won a Pulitzer Prize in 1995 for word length in his literary contribution Them Beets Are After Me, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.

Former newspaper joins gov’ment in printing funny money

(Colona) They’ve fired up the web press over at the abandoned depot here churning out the fourth lot of US currency backed by nothing more than hopes and good wishes.

Adorned and enhanced by the alphabetical portraits of obscure US Presidents the bills look the same as official tender but without religious references or pyramids. John Adams, cousin Quincy, Chester A. Arthur and James Buchanan highlight the first four runs and they’re reportedly gearing up for the two Bushes, Jimmy Carter and Grover Cleveland tonight.

“We’ll see this through Washington and Wilson if need be,” promised an unidentified pressman. “Already we have numismatics banging on the door looking for tokens. Some say they are waiting for the Millard Fillmore or Martin Van Buren bill to be released. They say dollars embellished with the faces of these ambiguous souls will be worth more than their denominations in no time at all.”

This rogue production has been funded and piloted by the San Juan Horseshoe since May without federal sanction or endorsement of any kind. The currency, limited to 20s and 50s has been circulated in needy sectors where front-line workers live. Calling the money counterfeit local treasury officials pledged to “come down hard” on the printing operation.

The Horseshoe was published for 43 years as a newspaper and has now morphed into a slick website: sanjuanhorseshoe.com. The editors say they have grown tired of pledges from the Treasury Department that the irresponsible printing of currency would terminate just as soon as the economy returns to normal.

“How long has the US dollar been off the gold standard or even the silver standard?” asked one master printer. “All we’re trying to do is funnel the money into the right hands. We all saw where many of the PPP and SBA loans ended up.

“The problem is that they have the entire plant camouflaged to look like an old school house,” said one mint enthusiast. “We have narrowed it down to one of five existing structures. Now all we have to do is look for ink marks and listen to the soothing sounds of a sheet-fed press in action.”

The Great Communicator draws a mustache on a Rutherford B Hayes portrait while his loving wife, Nancy looks on approvingly

The illegal printing of unsecured currency takes place after dark and the new money is moved from place to place in small batches in private vehicles. Most remains in the state but the crisp new bills have been spotted as far away as Moline.

“They’re just doing the same thing as the feds,” said Lacey Gutenberg, an attorney for the precise engravers who plan to release coinage into the uncertain atmosphere as a protest against flimsy legal tender. “The feds print play money and so do my clients.”

Currently clandestine collaborators are searching for a complimentary Ronald Reagan portrait to use on an organic, commemorative $100 that is wholly edible and easily converted into a life preserver in the event of a crash.

-Tommy Middelfinger