All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Were Adam and Eve Really Naked?
Inspiration with Rev. Phil Pharisee
“These things are so because I say they are so.” – St. Roscoe of Orange
The question is often asked: Were Adam and Eve really naked in the Garden of Eden? Were they unclothed when the serpent arrived? According to the recently revamped Rich Man’s Bible, especially written for the wealthy among our congregation “nudity was not acceptable even though Eve was created from one of Adam’s ribs”. Certainly the two first humans were not naked like the apes but were rather clothed in the vestments of the guiding light. When the serpent showed up it was Eve who took the apple all right but she did it in a tasteful, and demure, picnic dress. Later when Adam joined the show he ate his half of the apple fully covered in a formal waistcoat and spats, just like the ones worn on Sundays by Brother Phil here.
Persons who disagree with this prognosis are guilty of the grave sin of pride and will surely burn in hell. The only way to prevent this eternal damnation is to give now. Give big. Purge yourself by ridding your life of valuables and other false gods. You can keep the hard currency in our church safe over at the strip mall.
When we meet on that Golden Shore all of this will become clear. Right now we must persevere in that the secular element out there is attempting to separate church and state at the hip. And always, always remember as Dr Zeus said: Red State, blue state, new state, pew state…People in the blue states are atheistic Commies who don’t belong in our America, the America under God, who talks directly to You Know Who every night before bed.
Well, I hope I’ve cleared up the confusion. Keep the faith by joining me in today’s mantra: Creationists are proof that there is no evolution going on. Creationists are proof that there…”
Fresh free-range, organic goat eggs. Still in the shell. Seasonal booty only. First come-first served. No realtors. Gates open at 5 am. 38592368945275 Road. Honk. I got mean dogs. Market Price.
HUG SAVER A TIMELY HOLIDAY GIFT IDEA
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Tiny Spouses Trending into 2021
(Smallville, CO) The popularity of Tiny Spouses comes as a shock wave to the more traditional courting and marriage choices. According to the experts it’s an option whose time has arrived.
Maybe its overpopulation and loss of personal space or maybe it’s just an expedient alternative. Whatever it may be, it’s compact and packs a wallop at the altar or before a justice of the peace.
According to the latest poll conducted by Cal Polygamy Institute, the embrace of the diminutive is on the rise. A growing conviction to see smaller as better has become an overwhelming tendency, especially in affluent circles. Since 2018, tiny spouses, shunned just 10 years ago, are becoming the new norm.
The odd popularity of these arrangements can be circumstance, convenience an even economic since smaller people eat less and take up less room in the bed. Mobility is also a consideration and tiny spouses can be ready to go at the drop of a hat.
“Compact works for both of us,” said Eleanor Mackerel, who with her two-foot mate enjoys a progressive lifestyle. “My only issue is that he’s hard to find if the grass gets too deep.”
Positive attention has burgeoned in tight urban regions and the low-density backwoods too.
“People can survive quite well on limited space and with limited input,” continued Mackerel. “The rest we blame on true love.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
RUSSIAN CREDITORS FORECLOSE ON AIR FORCE ONE
Russian loan sharks have seized an Air Force One airplane apparently used a collateral for a loan by President Donald Trump.
Snatching the plane, one of two highly customized Boeing 747-200B series aircraft, creditors in the service of unidentified Russian oligarchs say it is safe in an undisclosed location.
Trump appears to have made the deal on the evening of January 20 in January 2017, just hours after being inaugurated.
White House sources called the development “dubious at best”, continuing to separate themselves from the president, both physically and politically.
In addition to the aeronautical confiscation, agents from Turkey, maintaining that Trump has defaulted on further loans, have taken most of the patio furniture and a number of potted plants from the Rose Garden.
“We gave him a rebate and 36 months interest-free,” said one banker in Istanbul. “Sure he was high-risk but he’s got a line of crap that stretches from the Urals to the Pyrenees. With all the bankruptcies we should have known better.”
In other news: The long-awaited Kool-Aid Antidote is still months away say reality show doctors at the White House, who denied reports that Democrats would need a high capacity crawler crane to forcibly remove the “larger than life ex-President from the Pennsylvania Avenue property in January.
For more on this please see “Morals and Extraditions”
– Red Herring
VENISON CAR WASH SLATED
Norwood) The local chapter of The Protective Order of Venison will sponsor a car wash on Saturdays through November. The car wash will be offered from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. at the top of Norwood Hill and at a second location adjacent to the San Miguel County Roadeo grounds. The cost of the service is $10 which will go to the United Venison Design and Collage Fund. Hunters are invited but reminded that a cease fire exists within the town limits. Other interested parties are encouraged to take advantage of the less than savvy automotive janitors by showing up with multiple vehicles and/or the week’s laundry. Advance tickets are available on grand Avenue. Turn out and show your support for this worthwhile organization.
MEAT THE DEER NIGHT OCTOBER 15
(Montrose) The 2020 Meat the Deer and Elk Night will be held at Red’s Gravy Heaven, on 33729983395566 Road, according to a source there. Each year a local business sponsors the social event in an attempt to promote fellowship and good standing between local herds and hunters from all over the world. Refreshments, including chili and oats will be served. Free information, including maps and a guide to local shops and services, will be handed out and a slide show will be presented. Last year’s event, held at Palisades Restaurant in Gunnison, was deemed a success by almost everyone involved. Just show your license at the door and have a good time!
Biden tells followers to hold the hugs for now.
Yielding to virus concerns, presidential hopeful Joe Biden today warned supporters and all Americans about the dangers of embracing and personal contact with strangers. It is common knowledge that Snowflakes love to hug people, especially as social punctuation that can be intrusive or inappropriate, especially with people they don’t know.
“We’ve got to reel this one in before someone takes the metaphoric bait. Ever seen a fish hug another fish? Ever seen Donald the Trump hug his family? Let’s wait until the pandemic is over then we can hug till we turn blue.”
Several in the House are screaming unfair advantage to the adversaries, real or imagined. Trump supporters, simultaneously pointing their finger with a snide comment about liberals, do not show emotion at all unless they are shopping for assault rifles.
Meanwhile most Americans just try to get by each week, minding there own business and stunned by the inadequacy of their supposed leaders in the 244- year two-party scam, the money and power charade.
For further information please turn to Confronting the Notion of White Privilege in America: Spell Chrysanthemum.
– Melvin Toolstoy
“All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that’s an alibi for my ignorance.”
– Will Rogers
