All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Trump Silver Spoon Brings a Paltry $60 on eBay
A local supporter has acquired a silver spoon once belonging to Donald Trump, for the surprising sum of $60. Whether it is the silver spoon is unclear since the former President reputedly had many of the utensils at his disposal during formative years in Manhattan.
The spoon was sold on eBay after early bids failed to reach expectations of the seller, who wished to remain anonymous. Late bids never materialized at all shedding light on the future sales of personal artifacts by the Trump clan.
Daughter Ivanka Trump, named after a relative of Vladimir Putin, is under investigation for attempting to unload 12 gold candle sticks from the Jefferson White House and a set of Nicaraguan wind chimes bequeathed by the Reagans to the nation in 1988. She has denied all wrongdoing. Several of her siblings have allegedly been active in the recreational shoplifting culture but this is the first time the feds have been snooping.
“This is different than selling baseball bats and autographs,” said a federal agency briefing this morning. “Pilfering and outright theft are the same thing. Both are felonies, especially when lifting priceless artifacts and pieces of Americana,” it said.
“We have talked to a menagerie of former White House personnel but at the present time no one has been indicted,” stressed one district attorney overseeing the case.
The spoon, called a pewter pouter by adversaries reminds us that Trump was born rich. “He didn’t earn much of it. He is a narcissistic, dishonest, petty and pitiful businessman and was President of the United States for four long years. During that time, he did irreparable damage to the very people that support him. It’s June and they still don’t get it.
-Tommy Middlefinger
PGA Approves Shock Treatments
The Professional Golfers Association today announced that it would approve the use of controversial and somewhat archaic shock treatment to correct poorly planned chip shots and pathetic, lunging putts.
Stressing that the procedures would be strictly a last resort therapy and only administered in dire situations with prior knowledge of the despondent linkster/patient.
“It’s come to this with some of our clumsier golfers,” whelped one empathetic course pro with a flair for words: “For 18 holes flailing almost swan-like in their hoop-swings they look like crippled, crotchety windmill vanes, missing a blade or two. Their chips mimic fresh, trembling chantarelles in a whirling blender, while hurried putts look like the work of sheep forced over a steep cliff, and that says nothing of follow through.”
The PGA did not return our phone calls. A recorded message did not undress the shock treatments but did remind all golfers to replace their divots.
– Algernon Birdie-Duffer
Montrose Distillery Wins Big
When it reigns, it pours. Storm King Distilling Co. is proud to announce that they have been named the 2021 Colorado Outstanding Distillery by the Colorado Manufacturing Awards (CMA). The announcement comes on the heels of two big wins for the distillery’s whiskey. In April, Storm King Distilling Co. took home gold medals for its Side Gig Whiskey and its first release of Colorado Straight Bourbon Whiskey at the Denver International Spirit Competition.
Of the recent successes, Co-founder and distiller, David Fishering stated that “Whiskey is what we love and so to have our first ever single barrel bourbon receive a gold medal, in addition to the success that Side Gig has had, is beyond fantastic. Then to follow that up with the CMA announcement, it was just surreal. We think we make great spirits and that we are passionate about the process, and it is great to see that others recognize it too. The CMA honor is a real independent validation of everything we are doing as a distillery. Many people see us as a local bar via the tasting room and although we are providing a unique and top-shelf experience there, we are a manufacturing facility at heart; our passion is the craft of making quality spirits and we do this all while being an integral part of our community.”
Speaking on the release of the gold-medal winning bourbon Fishering explained that “like all of our whiskies, our Colorado Straight Bourbon is made from 100% Colorado grown grain from Whiskey Sisters Supply in Burlington. It was important for us from the very beginning to find local partners that care about their products as much as we do and to showcase the terroir in Colorado grains. Barrel #20 was a mashbill of 65% corn and 35% rye, aged for over 2 years in a toasted and charred 25-gallon American White Oak barrel. We are super excited about it and only wish we had more!” The distillery’s bourbon is currently available in the tasting room only.
In operation for three years, Storm King Distilling Co. is the first and only distillery in Montrose, Colorado. The distillery manufactures a wide range of spirits including whiskey, gin, rum, agave, and vodka. The diverse product line allows for creativity in the tasting room and cocktail bar, which has become a destination for locals and tourists.
CONTACT: David Fishering, Co-founder/Distiller
Storm King Distilling Co.
Celebrity Gets San Juan Red Carpet Treatment
(Silverton) A visiting celebrity was welcomed to Silverton this week with a short parade, a windy speech by dignitaries and a barbecue in the park. The unidentified guest ate and drank liberally then, after a gratis stopover at a local liquor dispensary, headed off for Durango on the train in the company of two local ladies.
“We don’t know exactly who he was,” said one Greene Street shopkeeper but he was famous all right.”
Cynics over on Blair Street say the whole thing was a fraud and that the man was not a celebrity at all but only “swindler” drifting through the San Juans.
“That is hogwash,” said a resident on Greene Street. “We know a celebrity when we see one.”
Sources at the Triangle Service, where the celebrity attempted and failed to fill his tank for free, told The Horseshoe that the town had been bamboozled.
“It’s a good thing he didn’t stay longer or they might have elected him mayor,” said one mechanic.
– Olivia de Quirke
“It is my great desire to reform my subjects, and yet I am ashamed confess that I am unable to reform myself.”
– Peter the Great
Leftover Defense Funds to Fix Streets
(Gunnison) Recently discovered coffers, once earmarked for the defense of Gunnison from a Rebel onslaught during the American Civil War will be used to repair many of the town’s back streets, a city source confirmed today. The annual road construction is set to begin at midnight on Thursday.
This year’s effort will feature dawn to dusk asphalt drops compliments of the Flying Aces of Fort Carson in Colorado Springs. The drops will occur every half hour between Denver and Rio Grande Avenues north of the rodeo grounds all the way to Tomichi Heights. Persons who simply must be in the area during the month of July should be paying particular attention to the skies.
“A little care exercised today could be all the difference,” said one road supervisor. “We don’t want anyone getting hit with 100 yards of asphalt dropped from 300 feet in the air, or is that 300 yards of asphalt dropped from 100 feet,” he said. “We’re suggesting that the entire stretch be designated a hard hat area just in case.”
Flame retardant asphalt mixed with magnesium chloride and able-bodied crews from local insane asylums will then spread other hardly hazardous materials out. This phase of the work is scheduled to be completed by Valentine’s Day, 2004.
One official vehemently denied reports that the spruce up had anything to do with the Hell’s Angels picnic slated for late July.
The bankroll for the project, found in a tunnel near the once magnificent LaVeta Hotel, was comprised of silver certificates, gold coinage and Confederate currency is on deposit at the Who’s On First National Bank in Pitkin, so as to avoid favoritism in town. It will reportedly be sold off to collectors as the project nears completion. Visiting hours are 9 am to 3 pm unless it rains.
Then we’ll get to Blue Creek Canyon.
– Rex Montaleone
“A nation of news consumers both overfed and malnourished —”Americans gorge themselves daily on empty informational calories, indulging their sugar fixes of self-affirming half-truths and even outright lies.”
– Chris Stirewalt, fired Fox News Political Editor
Zombie Outreach Reaches Goal of $100,000
(Bland Valley) The semi-annual fundraiser for Zombie Outreach has surpassed its goal and will continue to intervene in zombie-related incidents in Northwest Colorado.
Money raised each year help defray the cost of counseling and reassignment surgeries aimed at bringing the zombie back from wherever they went. It also helps pay rent and utilities for unemployed and disabled zombies.
Organizers of the philanthropic event want to thank everyone who participated. We can all sleep more soundly knowing that many zombies aren’t walking the streets anymore.
“We should be using Lotto profits to fight the Cover-19. If the virus continues to expand there will be plenty of empty parks and bike paths.”
– Marco Pollo
