All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Millionaire Christians Meet
(Ridgway) The first ever meeting of the Christian Millionaires Club was held here last night attracting an assortment of the righteous who have managed to acquire vast sums of money and now seek to nail down their eternal salvation.
Among the subjects discussed was the purchase of Ridgway Town Park, the termination of local liquors licensing, sending out mass mailings, a whitewashing of the town’s historic church and what to do with people who refuse to embrace certain philosophies.
“If these pagan elements would simply open up to the bigger picture I’m sure they’d see the advantages of joining our cult,” said Charla Tinn a spokesman for the club. “We host hay rides, bonfires, book burnings and bring in lots of Christian talent. Let’s face it, we have all the money and will soon be having the only fun.”
Tinn, a former recreational drug enthusiast from Southern California, says she was saved on the street in Hollywood back in 1994. Thanks to a strong resolve and plenty of inherited family money she kicked heroin and found religion. She moved to Ridgway the next year.
“Our club is open to everyone…not just millionaires. Billionaires too are welcome to our ministry as is anyone with a missionary commitment, just so long as they can pay their dues.”
Tinn went on to say that her membership saw no conflict in supporting Israel and adhering to the Christian way of life.
“It’s either us or them,” she waffled. “Didn’t you ever read the Old Testament. I’ve got it here on Univision in my Lexus.”
Following the meeting a reporter asked whether the late prophet Jesus Christ, the man whose philosophies the group claims to follow, could afford membership in their elite group.
“He probably could have joined but he kept giving away all his cash. Maybe we could have found him a sponsor among our multitudes.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
All Cars to Be Same Color by ’30
(Detroit) According to the nation’s big three auto makers all cars manufactured after 2025 will be the same color. This will hold true with cars and trucks made in the U.S. as well as those produced by other major players such as Japan, Germany, Russia and Great Britain.
According to an auto industry spokesperson there is no utilitarian purpose for all the colors, which were only an enticement aimed at getting people to buy cars that they thought would make a statement such as the red Corvette, the black Dakota or the silver Land Rover.
“We think today’s driver is brighter and wants to save on unnecessary frills,” clutched a high industry source. “What is red anyway but a mixture of orange and black? And what of canary yellow, or blue opal? It’s all but an illusion.”
At present every car will be painted desert tan, as it comes off the assembly line, but marketing departments are scurrying to come up with a more exciting sounding name than desert tan.
“It’s kind of a screened prune color or maybe even a rose adobe or shrouded copper, I don’t know,” he said. “I’m sure our people will come up with something nice even if it makes no logical sense at all.”
Consumer reaction was mixed with some saying color is one of the major factors to consider when purchasing a vehicle and others saying you can’t tell the difference between a Cadillac and a Mercedes anymore anyway.
“They might as well all be the same color,” quipped one potential buyer. “I’d just like to meet the person who sold them all that paint.”
– Gabby Haze
If you put enough words, ideas, characters and conclusions in one end a story is bound to come out the other. It’s physics, or chemistry, or prune juice. I don’t know.” – Melvin Bedwetter O’Toole, on the anniversary and recognition of formula novel writing, chain bookstores and payola publishing in America.
California Spanky Law Plays to Mixed Reviews
Proposals now on the docket calling for fines and jail time for parents who spank their kids in California appears likely to pass in the next session. In an attempt to clarify the situation, we contacted Spanky, the sponsor of the bill and Alfalfa, a strong opponent to the potential legislation.
Horseshoe: Good morning Mr. Spanky. Can you tell us why you have sponsored such a controversial bill? It seems that with the country at war, in environmental chaos, in economic turmoil, in dire need of analysis and unable to effectively police its own borders we continue to focus on gay marriage, legalizing marijuana and now a spanking law. Why is that?
Spanky: Because we can’t do anything about the real problems facing the nation but there are plenty of Americans out there that we can control just by-passing new laws.
Horseshoe: So, it’s a control thing..
Spanky: Isn’t everything?
Horseshoe: What about all the illegal immigrants in California? Can they legally spank their children?
Spanky: Who cares? Most don’t have a visible income. How can the indigent be expected to pay for therapy, meetings, fines and court costs?
Horseshoe: So, the focus is more on people with an income, property, something to lose.
Spanky: Right. They are the ones that are the easiest to control. They have made an investment and must protect it.
(Enter Alfalfa)
Horseshoe: Hello Mr. Alfalfa and thanks for coming to talk to us this morning.
Alfalfa: Wouldn’t miss it.
Horseshoe: Spanky here thinks his proposed legislation will pass in the California House. What do you think?
Alfalfa: First of all I am an Alfalfa Male and Alfalfa Males do not need to abuse those weaker than themselves. I don’t spank my kids and I never have.
Horseshoe: Then you support the bill?
Alfalfa: Aww contrary. I firmly oppose it just like I opposed keeping girls like Carla out of the men’s club!
Horseshoe: Can you elaborate?
Alfalfa: If this no spanking law goes through, we may as well start building more wings on San Quentin and reopen Alcatraz. We’ll need the room with all the newly emerging criminals who never had parameters at home. Is the state willing to pay for that? These kinds of laws, like DUI laws and seat belt laws, are not created due to any remote concern over public safety. They are all about revenue. Let’s restrict the people who already pay taxes so that social workers and psychologists can milk a little more money out of them. It will not rid society of abuse. Just because some ass hole like Spanky thinks he can better the situation by writing it into our legal system does not mean the problem is fixed. The entire machine is a dismal failure and the sooner we scrap it, eat the rich and redistribute the wealth we will never see the light of day.
Spanky: Communist!
Alfalfa: No just an Alfalfa Male trying to make sense of it all.
Horseshoe: Let’s get back to the discussion on the table. What if the parents simply drove their children over to Nevada or up to Oregon and spanked them there?
Spanky: That might work.
Alfalfa: I have no problem with that.
Horseshoe: Well, now we have some common ground. What about step-children? Are they to be protected from spankings…
(Continued page 45)
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Hermits to host mixer
(Howardsville) A local hermit-support group here is planning a gala social mixer on August 29 and 30 at the Stony Pass Armory, according to a press release received this morning. The solitary souls say they expect over 100 persons to attend the two-day affair.
Although attempts have been made to draw recluse elements out of their mountain redoubts in the summer, organizers say the mixer might be better scheduled for January when there aren’t so many out-of-town visitors around.
“Our invited guests are somewhat timid and not accustomed to a lot of fanfare,” said Eva Stinkweed, of the Molas Lake Stinkweeds. “If we aren’t careful and don’t present the proper setting most will run away and the shindig will fall on its face. The final decision to hold the mixer in August was based on such elements as accessibility and the weather.”
Organizers of the event hope that everyone on the invitation list shows up and that an annual, or even monthly mixer might emerge. In addition, they are optimistic that the fringe element of non-registered hermits will show up too.
“There are plenty of people hiding out between here and Lake City that may decide to shake it for our party,” said Stinkweed. “We even have arranged for an etiquette consultant, transportation and blended food for attendees without teeth. Plus, a volunteer barber will be on location for the afternoon preceding the mixer. If nothing else it’s a chance for hermits to come out of their caves and meet people of like-minded philosophies.”
Some people in Silverton have expressed doubt as to the potential success of the event saying that anti-social behavior is inherent in the make-up of the authentic hermit.
“We’ll be seeing plenty of hermit wanna-bees,” one said.
Other non-hermits from around the mountains are, of corpse, invited to attend but they will be expected to provide their own costumes and personal hygiene.
We think we have all of our ducks in a row,” continued Stinkweed, but what does a hermit wear to a party?”
“The human sense of compassion was throttled in countless court-martials, turning everything back to right, so very American right: My Lai is now a tourist destination. There are promo posters in the hotels VISIT MAI LAI. Hearts and minds cast the soul. Herbicides and defoliants. Have the ancestors deserted us for the spirit world? Are they the ghosts in our dreams?
– GI Joe, in Sons of the Morning Star.
Dog Day Canceled at Hot Springs Pool
(Ouray) The first annual canine swim, slated for September 29 at the Ouray Hot Springs Pool has been canceled due to low response. Reasons for the deletion also included perceived loss of revenue, the threat of violence, parking, locker room security and health considerations.
Thankful canines hit the water back in 2019
According to Ouray Recreation Department officials Dog Day was the brainchild of several local mutts who felt they were being denied access to the pool simply because they walk around on all fours.
“We wanted to show everyone that we were not the product of prejudice,” said one lifeguard. “We were sincere. It was the dogs who dropped the ball.”
The money lost by closing the pool to humans for the day was estimated to be substantial while the presence of a pack of naked male dogs in the pool threatened the peace. Then, according to unreliable sources in the deep end, the state health department got wind of the experiment and started sniffing around.
“Those people are like pit bulls,” barked one tail wagger. “We’re quite disappointed in the response among the dog population but most of them thought the whole thing was a joke since they’ve never been allowed to use the facility before.”
Whether or not this episode will affect Cat Day, planned for October 15, was not clear at press time.
– Dag Katz
