All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Turkeys Off Radar

(El Lay) The nation’s turkey population appear to have retreated underground, joining remnants of elk and several hundred defiant Snickers candy bars. These two groups remain in hiding even though the dangerous fall seasons have concluded.

Hunting season and Halloween, while popular with people is often stressful and detrimental for herd and chocolate victims. Thanksgiving, one dimensional and aimed right smack at foolish birds with a few hams thrown in, is clearly genocide according to poultry rights groups here.

Meanwhile Tom Avenue is empty and generally off the grid and the vibrant turkey lounges on Giblet Alley are now dark and quiet.

Local liberals, guilty over the treatment of all three groups have attempted to coax the candy bars and elk from their redoubts but with limited success. 

On a high note, Hibernation ’21 has been heralded a “breakthrough success” by the local chamber of commerce and several church groups that often pass the hat at dusk.

-Fred Zeppelin

Uncompahgre To Run South in November

(Portland, CO) In an attempt “to make the river safe for fish” the Department of the Inferior has approved a risky plan to completely flush the Uncompahgre River this fall. Environmentalists, concerned as to why there are no fish in the upper reaches of the river while there are surviving species even in the South Platte flood plain have petitioned for the project since 1990.

The flushing will run concurrently with street resurfacing in downtown Ouray so that everyone can be inconvenienced on an equal basis. Residents participating in the popular Save A Trout Program are asked to keep their charges home in a fish bowl until 2022.

“It should be quite the deal,” said project manager Ariel Buttman of Lakewood. “I’ve lived in Colorado all my life and I didn’t know this place existed. It’s really nice here but what do the people do in the winter?”

The flushing will cost an estimated $500,000 with any fiscal excess earmarked for the Ridgway By-Pass, scheduled to begin next May.

“If our plan is successful we should have clear, beautiful water by spring, you know…the kind they have on those Coors TV commercials.”

– Uncle Pahgre 

MANY YEARS AGO

Martian Amoebas Could Shift Vote Says Prof

(Aspen-Wilsonall Center) A political science professor at Adams State College told some men in the bar yesterday that if the Martian amoebas could have voted, Bob Dole would have been elected in 1996. The existence of the amoebas, recently discovered in someone’s dirty laundry chute, suggests that there was life on Mars at one time and that the Rockies would win the World Series in 2032.

“It’s that last part, you know…the impossible part…that stacks up well for antediluvian candidate, Mr. Dole,” said Dr. Orem Silt, a man of tenure and tenacity. “Imagine a million or so tiny amoebas elbowing their way into the ballot booth in a given November. Hell, that group could even sway an election in Mexico or El Salvador! Just look at the Evangelicals.”

Planet Gunnison Night Club Ready To Go

(Ohio City) It whispers sensuality all the way from its lace-trimmed windows to its bawdy, swinging door. It’s Gunnison’s newest night spot and it’s located in Ohio City! The 24-hour restaurant/lounge opened this morning to rave reviews from the local papers and revelers alike.

Although details are sketchy, The Horseshoe has learned that the club is located just off Quartz Creek along Forest Service Road 771. More specific directions are available thoughtlessly nailed to trees just north of the Gold Link Mine. Party animals are reminded that if they turn off at Comanche Gulch they haven’t come far enough and if they turn at the Mill Lake Trail they are violating over 320 Inferior Department rules regarding wilderness access and a slew of controversial highway beautification efforts

Just moments ago the proprietors confirmed rumors that they would be giving away warm beer through Christmas and that all sandwiches served in the establishment would include bread and an indigenous garnish.

Pancake Boy Quits School

(Ute Hall) The ever-popular Pancake Boy of Western State has reportedly decided to quit school in his senior year to take a position at the local Wal-Mart store. The Boy, who played out his eligibility at the former J.C. Penney’s, will receive a personalized smock and a small signing bonus, according to his student advisor, who was not identified.

Saying that they hated to lose the Pancake Boy and his tuition, one administrator wished him luck in the future.

“Without part of a silver dollar college education the Pancake Boy could have become just another waffling bum on the street,” offered Aunt Gemela, Director of Hot Skillets at WSC, “emerged in the pettiness of his own batter. I’d say more but somebody’s got to bring home the bacon around here, if you get my drift,” she chided. “This whole situation is getting very sticky as it is.”

The pancake boy was did not return our calls on Friday morning allegedly due to his chronic inability to use a smart phone.

SHORT TAKES…

A local woman, Belle Tool, has managed to graduate with a Bachelor of Science in Journalism in just two weeks. She will begin editing a local paper on Tuesday.

Much respected Canon City Chef, Bart Grease, formerly a trustee of the Colorado State Penal System, is resting quietly at the Alamo Clinic after getting his hair caught in a meat grinder yesterday at Taco Heaven, a noted campus hangout. Grease promised to wear a hair net in the future when operating heavy machinery.

Accumulative point averages are not politically correct and the system of grading will be abandoned immediately according to the Dean of the Hard To Find Auto Parts Department.

Most WSC students will be on television in September due to new secret observation apparatus already installed in most dormitories. The devices are frighteningly accurate and almost impossible to detect with the naked eye.

In closing the 2022 Mountaineer Dream Date Contest has been canceled since everyone is asleep.

– Peter Principal

Freshman Class “Not Pretty”

(Gunnison) The incoming class of 2024 is not the most attractive in recent memory according to sources in the Applied Cosmetics Department at Western State.

“I wouldn’t go so far as to call the class ugly,” said one instructor who asked not to be identified, “but facially impaired is right on the money, you know with all that stuff about politically correct and all.”

The instructor went on to say that not all the kids were homely or plain-looking.

“There were a few diamonds in the rough and they know who they are,” she said. “Besides, the class, as a whole, is a hell of a lot smarter than the sophomores.”

The Western State Admissions and Subtractions has publicly apologized to the community and the rest of the student body for the state of affairs within the freshman class. One minor bureaucrat there suggested his department require current photographs of potential students with applications in the future.

 “We think that the crisis has passed,” said one campus security officer as I’ve explained the logistics to my troops and they’re aware of the situation.”

Western State Security Forces are known for their aggressive philosophies on the subject of peace and quiet. Already ammunition rations have been cut back. Meanwhile clocks remain stopped all over campus.

– Gabby Haze

Goldischlocks and the Three Bears

Continued from the Honey Abyss 

so that she was sitting directly across from Morgenstern, the largest of the bears, and Goldischlock’s most likely ally.

 “Just because my family owns thirteen homes doesn’t mean we’re insensitive to the homeless,” cried Goldischlocks feigning damaged feelings. “Besides, I just happened by your cute little cottage by mistake while I was out looking for a place to build another strip mall.”

“I don’t believe you, little girl,” chimed in Theodora, a bear with insight beyond her tender years. “I think all you people are the same.”

“Yeah,” said Babill, the baby bear. Let’s eat the bitch!”

“Hold on, Babill,” said Morgenstern. “Let’s not get carried away. The little girl must have earned the right to own all these wonderful houses, no?”

“Actually I managed to inherit most of my wealth although I did work as a camp counselor once when I was in high school,” said Goldischlocks.

 “See!” screamed Babill. “She’s just another charlatan plus she’s broken my favorite chair, eaten up all my dinner and messed up my bed.”

“I’m tired of your whining, you proletariat bruin,” sassed Goldischlocks. “Haven’t you ever heard of the divine right theory? It’s all tough skunk cabbage, sugar. You should have had the common sense to be born rich like I was or at least marry a million. It beats working and philosophizing about how things might have been.”

“That’s just about enough, you little twit,” said Theodora. “I think you had better be going before we change our minds and eat you for supper.”

“Don’t threaten me you foul smelling sow,” shot Goldischlocks. “I could have you and your whole entourage thrown out in the street tomorrow with just one phone call. If you don’t believe…”

And just later…

“Pass me a leg, will you, Morgenstern,” said Theodora.

“And I’d like another piece of white meat,” said Babill.

“There you are, baby bear. Enjoy,” said Morgenstern.

THE END

Colorado examines summer visa concept.

(Pinkyville) Citing overtaxed services, chronic traffic snarls, and overgrazed historical markers many elected officials here say they’ve had enough.

They are meeting this month to discuss limits and crowd control although most already threatened to limit the number of summer visitors by lottery, draw or outright restriction at the border.

“The most effective method to coordinate the flow of visitors is by requiring a visa or tourist card of some sort,” said Minnie Silverdigger of nearby Flapjack Alley, a rest area for people who enjoy being quoted in the newspapers.

 Quality of life, a term rarely employed with zest just a decade ago is now on everyone’s lips.

“We need to move public opinion from lips to feet, as in kicking feet,” laughed Donte Dimmovich, of the Parrot City Dimmovitches. “Them visas won’t keep ‘em out. They’ll just sneak in from the poorly guarded fossil fuel camps in Wyoming.”

Even local chambers of commerce, often last vestiges of questionable mercantilism, have raised an eyebrow suggesting that more people could actually translate into less profits as tourists accustomed to spending money will slowly vacate these spots do to clear diminishment of the quality of life once discovered there.

“We don’t need one million mindless tourists each spending a dollar,” said a finger-wagging source in Landfill Peak. “We need one guest with a million dollars to spend,” she punctuated, referring, if not shamelessly, to the famous Mae West quote about the revolving door of potential lovers. 

Opponents of the visa plan say that it is unconstitutional for any state to prohibit the migration of people to their backyards from another sovereign locales within the borders of the United States. They say that “demanding endorsements of tourists or imposing fines flits around butterfly-like within the boundaries of totalitarianism.”

Officials on the federal level have yet to comment on the proceedings and did not return our telegraph messages Thursday.

– Natalie Nightshade

WESTERN COLORADO FROM A – Z

A primer for visitors and residents who may have missed something

by Uncle Pahgre

Armadillo – a.) one of the few organisms not found in gaping chuckholes on Colorado highways. b.) not a city on I-40 on the way to Plano. 

Buffalo (Golden) – a. A football team that, despite drafting prospects from Southern California will never beat Nebraska. b.) curious mascot of a team that people in Western Colorado hope will do well even though most resent Boulder.

Cannibal – in Lake City aka Alferd Packer, the man who allegedly ate all the Democrats in Hinsdale County in 1874. History tells it that the tragedy was a result of desperation near Slumgullion Pass but it just as well could have resulted from Packer’s sticker shock at the price of Western Slope groceries.

DOW – The Division of Wildlife. Custodians of our furry friends. You can tell one of these from the bears because they wear baseball caps. Even though they may spend a good portion of the day out in the woods they still have a behind-the-desk approach. These people actually believe public land is better under federal protection. See Logging and the USFS.

Exotic – Disneyland to someone who’s never been out of Mesa County. Mesa Mall to someone who has never been out of Craig.

Flatlanders – People who live at lower elevation and visit Colorado to buy a second home thus driving real estate prices through the ceiling. People who video cam mountains even though the latter don’t generally provide movement of any kind.

Guns – What every person in Western Colorado stockpiles thinking it will hold off federal helicopters, bears or an angry neighbor.

Hemp – After a well educated electorate, what the feds fear the most, for no clear reason. A universal fabric that could save many natural resources by application. 

Indian – a.) Feathered character often called savage by the enlightened manifest destiny folks of 19th Century b.) natives of India. c.) persons providing target practice for drugstore cowpokes on Saturday morning TV in the 50s. 

Jackass – a.) a useful, yet stubborn, methodical, cantankerous pack animal  b.) Person who exhibits a similar behavior to the animal minus the ability to carry his own weight.

Kryptonite – The mineral common to Red Lady Mountain in Crested Butte. Used in the production of mountain bikes, the rare ingredient is the treasure to be mined by the evil monster, Amax.

Lynx – a relative of the bobcat this beautiful wild animal has been hunted to near extinction due to its practice of killing and eating ugly sheep and chickens. See The Missing Lynx..

Mariachi – a.) a type of music originating from Spain, then Mexico. b.) the type of music often generated from low riders (See Espanola) c.) the kind of music the late Botsie Spritzer played in his fishing wagon when he couldn’t find his polka tapes.

Naked – a.) How one comes into this world and, unless tampered with by an obsessive valet of sorts, how one will g out. b.) the sinful and immoral display of the human body without the benefit of clothing c.) how mule deer go to work each day.

Ohio – a.) a place where a lot of early Gunnison County pioneers came from as evidenced by the presence of Ohio Creek, Ohio Pass, Ohio City on local maps. b.) a reasonably good place to be from. c.) in a spelling bee the easiest challenge compared to Allegheny and Monongahela.

Pea Green – a.) the fiscal and religious center of the American Dream, located near Hoover’s Corner. b.) a medical disorder common to sailors attempting to ward off the scurvy by consuming a gross quantity of limes.

Quartsite – a.) a 19th century mining town/district claiming 10,000 residents at its height (prior to cable TV). b.) a lot on which to build a Quarthouse. c.) a fictitious tent city Shangri-La created by the Colorado Historical Society to lure summer tourists into the state.

Railroad – a.) Once the pride of Western Colorado now all but gone from the landscape. Clear thinking residents agree that reconstruction would solve a host of mass transportation problems, alleviate road maintenance costs and decrease drunk driving infractions. b.) the preferred mode of subsidized transportation in most civilized nations.

Slow Elk – a.) a bovine, something easy to shoot at. b.) a pasture potato that resembles cattle.

Tree – the major component of waferboard, one of man’s necessities. 

Uncompahgre – a.) the most mispronounced word (by visitors) until Saguache was invented in 1877. b.) a bastardization of what Tonto called the Lone Ranger.

Venison – a rude and insensitive term for deer no longer on-the-hoof. 

Water – a.) traditionally the major issue to residents on the west side of the Maginot Line (Continental Divide). Newcomers seem to think that it just runs through the fosset while Front Range interests think its something with which to flush their state-of-the-art toilets in Aurora and Colorado Springs. b.) the wet stuff in lakes and rivers. c.) a clear, colorless, nearly odorless and tasteless liquid unless one seeks a drink from an urban water supply wherein it becomes a putrid bit of semi-refreshment. d.) proverbially the stuff that one can lead a horse to but cannot make the animal drink.

Xylophone – a musical instrument not common to polka or bluegrass music. Better than relying on Xerxes or Xerox to get to the next letter. An easy one if this article were in Chinese.

Yampa – a.) a Northern Ute band who didn’t take kindly to preachers plowing up local race tracks and introducing farming. Joseph Meeker’s short term clients. b.) a major landmark in downtown Sunbeam, Colorado. 

Zaminsky – (Charlotte) a girl with whom Walt Swetkoff went to grammar school in New Jersey. It is a name he cannot forget. She was kinda cute back then but, according to Swetkoff, it’s tough to say what she looks like now.

– Melvin O’Toole 

BLM to construct new wilderness area

Local Events As We Imagine Them

(Denver) A spokesman for the Bureau of Land Management announced today that it would begin work on a multi-million dollar wilderness area just west of the town of Almont before the sun goes down this afternoon.

Like Jack Flash Officials appeared out of thin air, recruiting trees, rocks, deer, elk, bear, lion, marmots, coyote, trout, eagles, hawks and mountain goats for their new backwoods boondocks. They expect to have an indigenous, well-trained, instinctive staff installed by next summer.

This is the second man-made designer wilderness area to be implemented in Western Colorado since the Rockies were a contender. Readers will recall the petti tieux-dieux over the revamping of pastureland in Montrose back in the late Nineties, when the former paradise took on the demeanor of Arvada. The shopping zone is now ranked third in the At Risk Urban Wilderness Places register, according to an impressive academic paper “What if Allah is Nuts Too?” published by the Disappointment Valley Optimists last November.

Almont residents expressed concern over the expected influx of migrant workers who are reportedly headed this way following the announcement of the project. 

Newly endorsed Almont Building Inspector Mel Boardfoote-Toole, spent most of last night examining newly poured foundations with a flashlight before driving his 1938 Henway across the river and through the woods and into a large woodpile discarded by fishermen somewhere near the Enchanted Almont Triangle.

“I almost fell out after all that figuring but some space creatures woke me up just before I started flowing down toward Gunny,” winced Toole. “They said they were cruising to Pitkin County to perform “life-threatening surgeries on the mindless rich” according to the one who spoke tolerable English. 

Anyone involved in this project or this news account has until midnight Thursday to turn himself into the Tin Cup police and receive a full pardon, compliments of the local chamber of commerce. Vacillators will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

– Gabby Haze

Lost: Jar of stupid pills. Name on label. Need for work on Monday. Patent pending. Antidote on order. Emily Sweetwater, Cannabis Grove.