All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Give a man a fish…
“Give a man a pork chop and he become reliant on a handout and expects another. He gets lazy and dependent. Give a man a fishing pole and he can stand there all day without even seeing a pork chop break the water. He will soon eat his bait if he hasn’t already done so. Give a man a habanero and he’ll be taking multiple coffee breaks the next day. Give a man a piece of pine to naw on and before long he’ll get to liking it and forget about the pork chop.””
—Podiatricius 399 BC-357 BC
Tom Sawyer funerals $250 out the door. Enjoy your own wake in the company of the bereaved. Indian Joe, Happy Face Mortuary, Escucha al Monte.
Denver CPA jailed in paternity caper
Garr Potter, accused father of Harry Potter, has been detained regarding alleged failure to pay child support.
The gifted ledger magician, a registered Tex offender residing at North Hencrowe Ave directly above I-25 in Frogtown Flats, insists that Harry pulls down millions from his books and films and does not need the money.
Potter has filed a not guilty plea.
“I had no idea of this sordid past,” said his lovely wife who demanded animosity. “I thought I was marrying a muggle.”
Potter, a lawn and garden enthusiast, pioneered the concept of backside communication while excelling at Western State University when it was still categorized as only a college.
“He goes away in the morning and rides a bike at the local Y but he never quite gets to his imagined destination,” continued the significant other. “He never really arrives, man.”
In a related development the United States will trade voting machines to China for more Chinese-made Trump signs and American flags to wave.
Next time: Full Moon Pork Loin
Many Mule Deer Opting For Early Retirement
(Montrose) An alarming number of mule deer from the Uncompahgre Plateau are choosing to retire early and accept whatever salary and benefits they can get. Seeing the move as a viable alternative to ending up at the wrong end of a gun the animals would be retrained in other fields such as restaurant work and construction.
Sources within the gov’ment say they are somewhat concerned as to the fiscal affects of this mass retirement but the biggest concern is that there might not be enough deer on the job during hunting season.
“We’ve already overcharged all of these out-of-state hunters for licenses,” said Melvin Toole of the DOW. “It would not be pretty if all the deer are out to pasture when they arrive. Who knows, the orange battalions might come hunting for us!”
Toole expressed concern that many of the deer see the retirement as more of a sabbatical, thinking they can go back to work in December.
“We won’t have any of that,” he spat. “Once they’ve quit they’re out of the picture. We have already contacted scab herds from Utah to fill in by early 2023.”
The situation has become even stickier with the disclosure that local elk will go through with a class action suit against bullet manufacturers in November. Herein the animals say the producers of shells have knowingly endangered their well being. They are modeling their efforts after successful settlements with tobacco cartels.
“The elk became angry when they got wind of DOW attempts to temporarily cancel health benefits from early October through November,” sniffed Toole. “That’s why they boycotted the annual moose raffle at Armageddon Bingo Palace last month.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
CANADA OFFERS TO SHARE THANKSGIVING
(Badger, MN) In a gesture to the Biden Administration, Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau has offered to lend its neighbors to the south Canadian Thanksgiving in 2022.
That holiday, which is celebrated on October 11 up north, is pretty close to the American version especially if one substitutes poutine for nachos, hockey for football or a Caesar for a Bloody Mary.
“The country got screwed out of the only holiday that is real anymore, the only one that isn’t hyped out of its red holiday suspenders,” said a statement from Ottawa. “We simply want to give them some options for the coming year.”
Both countries expressed hope that the virus would no longer be an issue by next fall and that the US could again make use of its own longstanding day of thanks.
Many here expressed gratitude saying that they did feel robbed of a joyous Thanksgiving last year. Some insist that establishing a surrogate date lends stability in a world of black and white surprises on both sides of the border. Others think the matter is completely absurd.
Traditional feasting, watching football, tending the fire and dreaming about the coming holidays are not the heart of the celebration. It is the warmth of family that we crave. This year many people have been absent with gatherings cancelled due to virus concerns.
Some ignore precautions and continue to fight over drumsticks and mask wearing while others rely on vaccines and the government to save us.
It was not clear if Washington would offer The Commonwealth any of its holidays on loan in 2021. Non-franchise “festival dates” such as Colombus Day, sold to Italy in 2019, and April Fool’s Day, scuttled by lies and mistruths, are no longer on the butcher block. Religious observations were not part of the conversation at the time of this writing.
– Fred Zeppelin
WYOMING ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT
(Casper) The Commonwealth of Wyoming will retire from public service effective June of 2022 it was disclosed today. Wyoming, known as the Equality State to close friends, became associated with United States in 1890. During that extended tenure Wyoming functioned in a host of capacities generally associated with mining, logging and ranching.
Instrumental in the establishment of several national parks and monuments the state saw the nation’s first woman governor, Nellie Taylor Ross (1925); the discovery of petroleum in the Wind River Range and the origins of Cheyenne Frontier Days, the nation’s longest running rodeo.
Although it will relinquish its’ commonwealth status, Wyoming will remain on the state payroll as a consultant and will appear as a dignitary at state affairs on a limited basis. The rest of the time the state will spend fishing, hunting and catching up on favorite movies from its longtime summer home in Eureka, Montana.
An honorarium is slated for next spring at Gillette, the state’s official cultural hub, where a gold watch and chain will be presented by an adoring public. Later in the year an official portrait, composed by a group of bad western artists from Cody, will be unveiled.
No replacement has been named as of press time and applications for the position are still being accepted. Requirements include wind, diverse topography, water and U.S. citizenship.
– Small Mouth Bess
Toole Defects to Bruins
(Ridgway) Astrodynamic editor Manfred “Waterworks” O’Toole, has fled the coop, apparently preferring the company of bears to that of his fellow humans. According to a note left on his computer earlier in the week the noted scribe had “had enough” and was going to the woods “in search of some answers”.
According to a longtime co-worker O’Toole always had a thing for bears.
“He used to feed them and liked to photograph them when they weren’t looking,” said Estelle Marmotbreath, a blind proofreader employed by the San Juan Tattoo and Tofu, a publication that included O’Toole on its payroll roster. “Some of us thought it was odd that he lived on berries and apples and liked to bury his meat, sometimes for up to a month, before consumption.”
An accomplished caver, “O’Toole claims to have explored over 400 caves in Western Colorado and New Mexico. He had begun growing out his coat in 2015 seemingly protesting the use of rubber bullets and tagging of bruins. In 2017, when more and more bears were being destroyed for their garbage raiding incursions into local towns O’Toole became a virtual recluse, rarely venturing forth from his den, located between Elk Meadows and Lake Otonawanda on Miller Mesa.
“He clearly saw the bears as the good guys and the encroaching humans as the aggressors,” said Marmotbreath. “Some people may brand him a traitor to his species but most of us around here just think he’s loco.”
According to former reporters at the paper O’Toole has experienced short-term memory loss since 1965, often not recalling simple daily routines and unable to find his car or typewriter. Sometimes he even went out into the wilderness looking for bear when even a simpleton would know that they were in town eating garbage.
“One time he wrote a scourging piece accusing the DOW of murdering all of the bears only to realize that they were safely hibernating in their caves,” said a former reporter, turned beekeeper. “We were continually coming up short here at our operation and thought maybe O’Toole was swiping raw honey for his friends in the forest. Why else would he have developed such an intense interest in what we were doing? He was hanging around all the time, asking questions and taking notes.”
Although O’Toole has done nothing illegal he has been quickly ostracized from certain segments of society such as the hoity-toity Polar Bear Lodge and the Disappointment Valley Optimists Club, an organization that he founded in 1952.
“He doesn’t seem to give a damn about anything human,” said an old friend and naturalist Suzie Compost, who is contemplating spending next summer living with Japanese Snow Monkeys (Macaques) in the Kitami Mountains.
O’Toole, who put on some 100 pounds since August, will not be harmed by authorities unless he becomes a nuisance.
Meanwhile local wildlife experts say that calculations “were a bit premature” regarding claims that well publicized bear diversion projects had been a rousing success so far this winter.
“We didn’t account for the fact that the bear were engaged in serious hibernation and therefore were not coming to town like in the fall,” said several biologists.
– Fred Zeppelin
