All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
SANTA TO TEACH SEX-ED
(Montrose) Santa Claus has been hired to teach sex education starting in January according to educators here. In compliance with guidelines set down by the World Is Flat Puritan Consortium the curriculum will be based on half-truths, superstition, misinformation and outright lies permeated by faith-based interests and aimed at keeping an intellectually challenged segment of the population in the dark about such hushed topics as birth control, social responsibility and progressive hygiene.
Santa was chosen both because his very existence is likewise based on a series of myths and because he is free most of the year.
“All those elves running around must mean something,” said one teacher*, “even though our message here is abstinence. He’s got the credentials, but does he have the ability to whitewash the problem with fear and pseudo-morality in accordance with the accepted yardsticks?”
*Although there is no solid evidence that Santa was in any way involved with the procreation of the over 400 elves that live with him, he is seen as a father figure by many which may further qualify him for the teaching position.
-Eureka DeHaviland
US Seeks to Control Flow of Naughty Underwear
(Paris) France and a host of other European nations have accused the U.S. of cornering the market on naughty lingerie. The action, acknowledged in part by leading diplomats, began almost a year ago with the federal monitoring of underwear sales in North America.
U.S. interests allegedly seek to control the billion-dollar industry world wide according to fashion leaders here. They say that the Americans have stepped up production in an attempt to dominate global trade in the naughty commodity.
“Certainly we’d like to see more of the underwear made in the United States before embarking on some conspiratorial effort to regulate its exchange,” said Teddy LaRouiex, of the State Department. “Right now most of the garments are made in Third World countries.”
French leaders have protested the move saying that governments have no place tampering with slinky underwear. In an official statement released here the French have stopped short of condemning a long time trading partner asking only that the U.S. refrain from such action. “We are scandalized by the efforts to control distribution, design and prices of naughty lingerie, a product that should enjoy free access under the principles of supply and demand. We hope that the shear weight of protests will alleviate what has become a delicate situation.”
France then added that there are far more pressing issues on which to focus.
In private, leaders there said to have expressed horror that the status of naughty underwear might be by orchestrated solely by a country “misdirected by hefty servings of puritanism and guilt”. He told close advisors that the stream of underwear is sacred and should never be manipulated by a private entity.
Reaction all over the continent was pretty much the same. In Holland leaders called on the U.S. to stay out of people’s bedrooms and in Italy protestors threatened to attack the American Embassy if the situation is not reversed. Portugal called for a boycott on all goods manufactured in the U.S. while in Ireland manufacturing plants have begun turning out intimate software aimed at combating what Dublin calls an invasion of privacy.
Even the Russians are angry. Today Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin, called on Russians to reject all foreign-made frillies and buy all interior items, including wool socks and long handles from reputable government outlets within the country. EU economists expect this plea to have reverberating effects going into the Russian lingerie season (June and July) when its actually warm enough to walk around in the scanty attire.
Not to be outdone Nicolas Maduro, President of Venezuela called the developments “crimes against humanity”. He called on the workers of the world to cease production of U.S. bound lingerie.
“Let them see what its like to go without,” said Maduro as part of a six-hour speech carried by Tele Sur. “Their GIs started this whole power grab in Europe after World War II with the documented silk stockings and Hershey bar enticements. Now all these shenanigans have come home to roost.”
Meanwhile the hoi polloi of the fashion industry have remained mute waiting to see more.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Give a man a fish…
“Give a man a pork chop and he become reliant on a handout and expects another. He gets lazy and dependent. Give a man a fishing pole and he can stand there all day without even seeing a pork chop break the water. He will soon eat his bait if he hasn’t already done so. Give a man a habanero and he’ll be taking multiple coffee breaks the next day. Give a man a piece of pine to naw on and before long he’ll get to liking it and forget about the pork chop.””
—Podiatricius 399 BC-357 BC
Tom Sawyer funerals $250 out the door. Enjoy your own wake in the company of the bereaved. Indian Joe, Happy Face Mortuary, Escucha al Monte.
Denver CPA jailed in paternity caper
Garr Potter, accused father of Harry Potter, has been detained regarding alleged failure to pay child support.
The gifted ledger magician, a registered Tex offender residing at North Hencrowe Ave directly above I-25 in Frogtown Flats, insists that Harry pulls down millions from his books and films and does not need the money.
Potter has filed a not guilty plea.
“I had no idea of this sordid past,” said his lovely wife who demanded animosity. “I thought I was marrying a muggle.”
Potter, a lawn and garden enthusiast, pioneered the concept of backside communication while excelling at Western State University when it was still categorized as only a college.
“He goes away in the morning and rides a bike at the local Y but he never quite gets to his imagined destination,” continued the significant other. “He never really arrives, man.”
In a related development the United States will trade voting machines to China for more Chinese-made Trump signs and American flags to wave.
Next time: Full Moon Pork Loin
Many Mule Deer Opting For Early Retirement
(Montrose) An alarming number of mule deer from the Uncompahgre Plateau are choosing to retire early and accept whatever salary and benefits they can get. Seeing the move as a viable alternative to ending up at the wrong end of a gun the animals would be retrained in other fields such as restaurant work and construction.
Sources within the gov’ment say they are somewhat concerned as to the fiscal affects of this mass retirement but the biggest concern is that there might not be enough deer on the job during hunting season.
“We’ve already overcharged all of these out-of-state hunters for licenses,” said Melvin Toole of the DOW. “It would not be pretty if all the deer are out to pasture when they arrive. Who knows, the orange battalions might come hunting for us!”
Toole expressed concern that many of the deer see the retirement as more of a sabbatical, thinking they can go back to work in December.
“We won’t have any of that,” he spat. “Once they’ve quit they’re out of the picture. We have already contacted scab herds from Utah to fill in by early 2023.”
The situation has become even stickier with the disclosure that local elk will go through with a class action suit against bullet manufacturers in November. Herein the animals say the producers of shells have knowingly endangered their well being. They are modeling their efforts after successful settlements with tobacco cartels.
“The elk became angry when they got wind of DOW attempts to temporarily cancel health benefits from early October through November,” sniffed Toole. “That’s why they boycotted the annual moose raffle at Armageddon Bingo Palace last month.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
CANADA OFFERS TO SHARE THANKSGIVING
(Badger, MN) In a gesture to the Biden Administration, Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau has offered to lend its neighbors to the south Canadian Thanksgiving in 2022.
That holiday, which is celebrated on October 11 up north, is pretty close to the American version especially if one substitutes poutine for nachos, hockey for football or a Caesar for a Bloody Mary.
“The country got screwed out of the only holiday that is real anymore, the only one that isn’t hyped out of its red holiday suspenders,” said a statement from Ottawa. “We simply want to give them some options for the coming year.”
Both countries expressed hope that the virus would no longer be an issue by next fall and that the US could again make use of its own longstanding day of thanks.
Many here expressed gratitude saying that they did feel robbed of a joyous Thanksgiving last year. Some insist that establishing a surrogate date lends stability in a world of black and white surprises on both sides of the border. Others think the matter is completely absurd.
Traditional feasting, watching football, tending the fire and dreaming about the coming holidays are not the heart of the celebration. It is the warmth of family that we crave. This year many people have been absent with gatherings cancelled due to virus concerns.
Some ignore precautions and continue to fight over drumsticks and mask wearing while others rely on vaccines and the government to save us.
It was not clear if Washington would offer The Commonwealth any of its holidays on loan in 2021. Non-franchise “festival dates” such as Colombus Day, sold to Italy in 2019, and April Fool’s Day, scuttled by lies and mistruths, are no longer on the butcher block. Religious observations were not part of the conversation at the time of this writing.
– Fred Zeppelin
