All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Mother Nature Completes Anger Management Classes
(Delta) A clearly relaxed Mother Nature has successfully completed court-ordered anger management classes here in record time leading even cynics to believe she has calmed down. The last few years have seen hurricanes, drought and polar melt occurring at unprecedented rates leading to the mandatory sentence.
“We can’t tell if she has been rehabilitated or if she is just putting on a show,” said one instinct and emotions counselor who says he enjoys thunderstorms.
Although on unsupervised parole, for the next two years Mother Nature will be granted full mobility and access to former associates the wind and rain.
“It’s easy to see why she got angry in the first place,” said the counselor. “How would you like it if people trashed your yard?”
Authorities are taking a wait and see approach to further legal action against the former defendant.
Lights Out for Big Box Chains?
(Pea Green) Every cloud must have a silver lining. The sluggish economy has forced the closure of many big box outlets nationally, with many local chains feeling the strain.
This morning Wal-Mart, Target, Home Depot, Denny’s, Taco Bell, McDonalds, Burger King, Kroger. Safeway, Pet Smart, Applebees and Pizza Hut announced that they were closing up shop here and moving on to greener pastures.
While the news received mixed reaction a majority of those polled will not be sorry to see these mass merchandisers leave town.
“Where will all the chronic consumers go when their temples are boarded up?” asked one downtown merchant. “Maybe they’ll realize that they don’t need all the junk these pirates offer them.”
The immediate problem centers on what to do with the skeletal edifices hastily constructed by these massive corporations. According to a feature article in this month’s Vacant Lot Magazine, the abandoned buildings can serve useful purposes for the community.
“In Iowa one town took possession of an abandoned Wal-Mart and turned it into an ice skating rink while a Taco Bell on the West Coast became a senior citizen transportation office,” said the piece.
“They love the fake Mexican architecture but who cares as long as they don’t wander off and get hit by a train,” said one caseworker.
The article goes on explaining how a Pet Smart in Maryland was sold for scrap and how land, once covered in asphalt, was reclaimed by farmers.
While city officials worry about lost tax revenues, social scientists see the development as a breakthrough for humanity.
“Big box stores and chains bleed a community dry all the time in every locale,” explained one mental health worker. “Our priorities have been all wrong. If we intend to get the country back on track, we must work for the common good. I myself welcome the homeless shelter in what was once a Subway.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Pet Escrow Ordinance Adopted by Council
(Crested Butte) In what has been called the most innovative step ever taken by the local town council, the controversial Doggy Duty Ordinance passed unanimously last night. The law, which requires prospective dog owners to put up as much as $2,000 in escrow with the town before acquiring the pet, is aimed at controlling the irresponsible pet owner population here.
The escrow fund is then designated to pay for projected fines and other expenses involved in raising a dog. It is expected that some people will think twice about becoming a pet owner considering the commitment. Furthermore the council thinks people who decide to acquire a dog will be less likely to abandon the animal with all that money invested.
“It’s a winner,” said one supporter who says he intends to put up $250,000 to make sure his dogs are secure in the event of his demise. “I think it’s the responsibility of every pet owner to see that the animal has a good sturdy upbringing and a real shot at success whether it be with government or the private sector. College is a definite for my two collies.”
The action comes on the heels of accusations that the town council sautéed funds from the 2017 Alley Loop Race and hardboiled the evidence. After one outspoken member was grilled Friday it appeared there was more to the story than was on the menu.
“Nobody did anything illegal,” said a spokesman for the mayor’s office. Anymore it seems that any decision we make is like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.”
In other business three members of the council voted to table discussion with regards to complaints from landlords that tenants are stockpiling dung in rental units.
“The property owners and their agents say the renters are using the dung to braid their hair and they plan to issue eviction notices Monday,” said an elected official. “We’re just trying to head off the conflict until the end of ski season.
– Dag Katz
Too Much Bass Bad For Dentures
(Raspberry Creek) Denture wearers may be at extreme risk when subjected to low-pitched tones or vibrations common to boom boxes and jacked-up automobile stereos. According to leading consumer groups regular exposure to loud, pounding bass waves are not only tedious and unsettling to the ears, but can also cause rapid deterioration and rejection of dentures, or false teeth as they are more commonly known.
According to the experts no matter how well as set of dentures fits the mouth, bass decibels will have adverse affects in up to 95% of examined occurrences. In some rare cases, dentists have found that dentures become unattached after only one short tune. Generally, it takes repetition and continued exposure to these kinds of sounds but the results are almost always the same.
“We particularly want to warn grandparents driving with their grandchildren,” said Suzie Compost, a denture wearer turned activist after her dentures flew out of a convertible blasting a booming rap concoction. We were just driving along when I felt my dentures loosen and break loose. Before I could react they were gone. I thought my jaw was next!”
According to other motorists the badly battered uppers skidded off a windshield, crashed into a light pole and slammed into the pavement before landing from a ditch. The lowers have yet to be recovered.
Even people possessing their original chompers can be victimized by the pounding bass according to experts who say that none of the senses are equipped to handle the onslaught.
“Most denture wearers are older and do not see the benefits of this musical expression,” added Compost…”and that says nothing for the freshwater perch.”
-Estelle Marmotbreath
El fin del mundo ya pasó, dice un científico
(Ouray) Un científico trascendental aquí dice que el tan temido fin del mundo ya ha ocurrido y que lo que vemos y experimentamos ahora es simplemente un sueño. El Dr. Melrose Tinkleholland, BFD, LSMFT, ex director del Instituto de Estudios Macrobudistas en Red Mountain dice que el final llegó hace quince años, pero que todos habían estado demasiado ocupados para notarlo.
“Hoy”, afirmó, “todo nuestro espectro depende de la imaginación humana generalmente liliputiense para soportar el flujo cósmico creado por las revoluciones de otros cuerpos celestes”.
Tinkleholland, quien saltó a la fama a principios de 1988, después de demostrar que Elvis Presley estaba vivo y vivía en el planeta Neptuno, es el ex presidente del Departamento de Astrología y Medicina Deportiva del prestigioso Instituto Cal Amari. Más tarde, ofreció una fuerte evidencia de que la tierra no solo fue visitada por extraterrestres, sino que estos vagabundos espaciales se sintieron particularmente atraídos por la cultura de los vaqueros en las Montañas Rocosas.
“Todavía les gusta vestirse como vaqueros cuando se les da la oportunidad”, dijo Tinkleholland. “¿Quién no lo haría?”
El profesor afirma tener evidencia fotográfica de un visitante extraterrestre montando un toro en el Ouray Rodeo de 1991, celebrado en Ridgway.
“Llegó a la campana pero se tragó el masticable”, se rió Tinkleholland. “Seguro que no los hacen como antes”.
Reafirmando su apreciación de que nuestro mundo es solo un sueño, el profesor miró con desprecio a los invitados reunidos y dijo: “Realmente ya no hay razón para preocuparse. Bien podríamos pasar un buen rato “.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
Breaking News Like Breaking Wind says Veteran Scribe
(Fincaville) Gracie Bellborne who is said to have “intimately covered” the Wall Street Crash, The Dust Bowl, The Rise of Roosevelt, the Battle for Singapore, Benito Mussolini’s wedding and the Partition of India says it was all quit enjoyable.
Having spent the past 50 years chain smoking, drinking vast quantities of homemade gin and spewing pomposities Bellhorne had hoped to “visit Mars or at least Jupiter” before she passed.
“She spends every evening getting pissed, looking down her silver cigarette holder, castigating anyone who disagrees with her juvenile appraisals,” said one longtime confidant.
The 112-year old organic gymnast was whisked into town yesterday to dedicate a statue to former hurling great Conor McSpam, whom she has never met but once saw play in Kilkenny while barnstorming the Republic of Ireland in 1965.
“I have no idea who he is,” said Bellborne, “but I love to ride on the bus.”
“YOU DON’T LOSE IF YOU GET KNOCKED DOWN. YOU LOSE WHEN YOU STAY DOWN. “ MOHAMMED ALI
DAWG AIR SLATED TO GET OFF THE GROUND IN SEPTEMBER
Regular canine-friendly flights will begin from hub designated US cities beginning this fall. The companion procedure that dictates one person to one dog was called a loving breakthrough.
The canines will have to pass a simple good behavior test or show a certificate from an accredited dog training school. High decibel levels, inviting aromas, response to other dogs and seat assignments are also expected to dictate who will travel and who will stay home.
“It’s an inspired attempt to get a leg up on less responsive airlines,” said Dag Katz, president of the new airline. “Up until now these airlines have ignored a large segment of the population making it very inconvenient to fly with larger dogs.”
Mandatory IQ testing for accompanying humans will be strictly enforced since it is accepted reality that bad owners make bad pets.
In addition, all flight attendants will have experience as dog trainers. Veterinarians will be on call in first class.
The flights remain expensive but not twice the quoted prices of other carriers. The fact that dogs do not generally check baggage and file complaints will be considered as the fledgling idea gets airborne.
“Did you ever try to fly a Rotweiller on one of the existing airlines? It is a nightmare. You don’t know until moments before the flight if Rover will make it to Rio or Bella to Buffalo.”
Dawg Air has pledged to make certain that all humans and dogs make their connections properly and that all special diets are accommodated.
“Most of the time the pooch passengers sit quietly looking out the window, napping or wondering when the plane will land.
The US Humane Society has yet to comment on the matter. Critics say the agency is awaiting more information when in fact it is waiting to have its paw greased.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
