All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Paper to Aid in DUI Crackdown
The scene outside of Wimpton Billiard Hall clearly illustrates a crime in progress. The cars belong to Melvin Toole of Spring Creek and Gloria “Ruth” Lesse of Olathe. The photo staff of the paper hopes to catch drunks before they can get on the highway this summer.
(photo by Murial Armbruster)
(Montrose) The San Juan Horseshoe will join law enforcement officials in further DUI crackdowns this summer by photographing vehicles parked outside of local bars. The move, dubbed Operation Nab a Drunk, was kicked off Friday despite criticism from civil rights groups and without the approval of anyone in authority.
The scene outside of Excuses Billiard Hall in Manana clearly illustrates a crime in progress. The cars belong to Melvin Toole of Spring Creek and Gloria “Ruth” Lesse of Olathe. The photo staff of the paper hopes to catch drunks before they can get on the highway this summer.
“Why should local police have to hang out near bars and restaurants to arrest drinkers?” asked publisher Kashmir Horseshoe from the men’s room at the paper. “Certainly they must have other more important duties to perform during their shifts.”
The paper will rely on anonymous tips, rumors and hearsay when determining which hot spots to pinpoint. After initial investigation a staff photographer will be dispatched to the location of impact and a series of shots will be taken as proof of infraction.
“This way the police are not responsible for proof of attendance/occupancy near the particular bucket shop or spirits dispensary,” continued Horseshoe.
The DUI crusade, embraced by the law enforcement estate in the early 90s, has not only been financially profitable but has ruined the lives of countless social drinkers who made the mistake of having one more. Little attempt has been made to distinguish between the chronic drunk and the person who has wine with dinner or stops for a beer on the way home from work.
Meanwhile jail construction continues at a record pace as the US attempts to catch China and Myanmar for the lead in inmate population .
The paper plans to publish the incriminating photos each month until everyone is incarcerated. Free-lance photos will be considered on an individual basis with by-lines rather than fees respected at all times.
– Small Mouth Bess
Wind Takes Toll on Flag Persons
Give ’em a hearty wave!
(Ridgway) Powerful winds have made life all but intolerable for flaggers working on highways here according to anonymous sources in orange. While performing other tasks in the gusty thrusts is no picnic, standing in one spot for eight to ten hours per day is shear hell.
“I’d rather freeze or melt than be chipped away at by the wind,” said one veteran of the roads. “I don’t know why we can’t do all these repairs in January and February when we have nice, summer weather.”
Although no relief is in sight sources high on the food chain at C-DOT report zero casualties as the result of wind. Last Friday, however, one Ridgway man was picked up and carried half way up Dallas. Ten minutes later he landed safely in a elk-proof haystack.
At first eye witnesses thought the flight was some sort of stunt but when he didn’t come back someone called headquarters.
“We found him a bit stunned but all right and gave him the rest of the day off. He’s got a desk job now,” said a spokesperson for the highway department, plotting yellow dot and dash patterns along the center of the asphalt. We’re not sure what these yellow markings mean but expect he’s enjoying the challenge.”
Bosses here hope that sessions in Gestalt/Primal Scream therapy will reduce friction on the job as employees have been rather testy of late. This therapy is offered free every Saturday morning in the Rangely office and all winded employees are urged to attend.
In a related development sources the Colorado Department of Highways still won’t tell us who made the decision to use a highly-toxic Magnesium-Chloride solution on the roads this winter. The stuff, which reputedly kills trees, rusts cars and, yes, melts snow was rarely employed back when it used to snow regularly…so why now?
-Pepper Salte
Colorado will not send solar energy to Russia
(Ridgway) Russia is “flat out of luck” securing Colorado solar energy according to sources within this solar manufacturing hub. The termination of the lucrative energy exchange, began way back in 2001, is clearly attributed to February’s savage attack on neighboring Ukraine.
“The Russian leadership is composed of gangsters and murderers,” said a leading solar energy advocate from a sunny mountain meadow. “We do not seek to punish the people although many still support Putin’s War. Their warmth and comfort is simply collateral damage in a sense.”
In short, Russian weather sucks. The cold winters are married to sweltering summers, humid and stodgy. The humid continental climate that affects much of European Russia features only 85 days of sun per year. The desire for more solar exposure has been etched in the Russian psyche since the fall of the Soviet Union when the population looked to join the European community.
SOLAR ENERGY DERELICTS PROSPECTING FOR CLEANER FORMS OF ENERGY NEAR GRAND JUNCTION IN 2021
Today, with he war, life has returned to almost Stalinist boundaries with freedom of speech and movement greatly limited and the future looking bleak.
“Even the oligarchs can make the sun shine,” said the Colorado source.
-Melvin Nykolai
“Pantacha opened his eyes and closed them. They were red like a monkey’s behind.”
-Mario Vargas Llosa in “The Green House”
LEVITATIONAL PARKING PLANNED AT MT. CRESTED BUTTE
(Gothic) Organically crisp officials at the Crested Butte ski area may have found the solution to chronic parking problems here by way of India. Snow Guru International, a firm of freelance swamis from the nice part of Calcutta, claims the capability of successfully suspending automotive vehicles in thin air! The mystics will go to work next Thanksgiving weekend and continue to ply their gravitational trade until the ski area closes in April.
“We figure we have extended our top occupancy ceiling to about 500,000 cars per day considering predetermined air space and a desire to let the sun shine in,” said a marketing source who asked that she not be included in this story by name. “We don’t know how this applies to skier days or if it will work on heavy powder days.”
Parked car at Mount Crested Butte in early April. Proponents grudgingly admit there will be issues to iron out before next ski season
The source then went on to admit that she had no clue what skier days might be but was quite familiar with powder days.
Across the Elk Mountains, principals in Aspen have been conducting underground tests with levitation and suspension since September. They would not talk to our reporter despite a lot of whining. In Steamboat Springs excess vehicles and skier baggage will be stored on the James Brown Soul Center of the Universe Bridge and skiers will be hauled into town via open-air tuna boats.
Imagine skiing down Jokerville or Twister at Crested Butte and looking up at your car hanging high above the resort silhouetted against the winter sky! What a rush!
“Look mom! It’s our Explorer!”
Parking fees will fluctuate depending on the size and weight of the vehicle with out-of-state skiers getting a sizable break when they purchase a package. Old Volkswagens and beat up pickups (local vehicles) will not qualify for the uplifting since the area is concerned with its image and “does not seek to clutter the horizon with a bunch of decaying jalopies”.
In addition to the parking arrangements the Snow Guru International hopes to provide a top-drawer coat and hat check, bonded baby-sitting, a convenient lost and found and a pretentious cocktail lounge for people waiting for their vehicles to return to earth.
To date there have been only a few accidents involving reentry and “not that many” people have been injured by falling cars to date. One such disaster was narrowly averted as a 3/4-ton GMC pickup was inadvertently dropped through the roof of what once was the Alpenhof Cabana, coming to a complete rest in a somewhat unoccupied men’s room.
The service is restricted to vehicles operated by persons with a valid ski pass. No AARP discount will be extended and motorists driving RVs are asked to leave the same in Almont.
“We’re really excited about this concept, said the secretive marketer. “Now a lot of the tourists will have something else to look at besides themselves parading around in their ski fashions all day. Heck, some might even get motivated and take a few runs or at least a lift ride or two.”
The Crested Butte and Mt. Crested Butte Councils have tentatively approved the plan while BOZO is firmly against, and has always been firmly against, deterring from the laws of nature. Insiders suggest that if CBMR executives will only paint themselves a sweet and sour Victorian purple everything will be alright over at BOZO.
Despite early support by other government agencies, consumers are privately urged to take Alpine Express or town bus up to the mountain until further tests are concluded.
-Barb Wire
Bake sale to preserve our traditions
(Montrose) A gala bake sale to save our traditions is slated for May 28 at Lion’s Park. Attending the gathering will be Martha Stewart, James Brown, Hugo Chavez, Miss Snow Princess 2005, Governor Bill Owens, and Senor Pepino, the Sage of Carnival. It is not clear whether the new Pope will make it in time as he has a flat tire on his throne. A replica of the Montrose Wal-Mart will be set ablaze along with several captured developers from Telluride. The sale runs from 8 am to 4 pm. A slide show follows. Look for us on the web at www.goatropersneedlovetoo.com
Anchor found at bottom of Irwin
(Crested Butte) A long forgotten television news anchor has been salvaged from the bottom of Lake Irwin this morning according to local police divers. The discovery, which interrupted a national ice fishing competition for three hours, brought throngs of interested onlookers from as far away as Lake City.
A phony smile plastered to the anchor’s face provided some comic relief in what was otherwise a solemn, chilling scene.
Although no positive identification has been made, authorities are quite sure the anchor is the infamous Theodore Head, who had been missing from Denver’s KBOP-TV since 1999. Although he did not survive the incident, his hair was still perfectly in place at the time of the recovery.
Head disappeared moments before 2022 after predicting that the world would end before the late news that evening.
Link: And like Maurice Hearne so eloquently explains in Night Boat to Tangiers it was “as though he was laid out for the deadhouse.” (mortuary)
