All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Regional Update
Rastas, Mormons still long way from agreement
(Blanding UT) Meetings between Rastafarians and Mormons have yielded little or nothing toward the settlement of stark, gaping differences as of this morning. The summit, sponsored by ecumenical relief organizations, was arranged so as to create a climate of understanding within the diverse groups. A mid-week concert featuring Glays Knight (Yes, of The Pips) and Washington DC’s all-white reggae band Soja is certain to further cloud stereotypes . Unreliable sources here say the two religions are still miles apart with final sessions scheduled over the weekend.
Fool-Injected Engines Ready This Week
(Ridgway) Local man, Melvin Toole has reportedly invented an automobile that never runs out of gas. “It’s fool-injected,” said Toole. “Fool-injected. With a capital F and that stands for fool and that rhymes with Toole.” The car will run forever on one tank of gas according to the inventor who adds that he is not concerned as to the countless death threats received from major oil companies. The car, available this week in red, metallic teal and off-white, promises to revolutionize the industry. “Fool-injection will be seen as a major breakthrough by everyone, especially with the price of gasoline,” he said,
Website Drops Info-Nympho Chat
(Manana) Citing perverse sexual innuendo at every turn, skantily clad editors at the sanjuanhorseshoe.com have discontinued the popular Info-Nympho column, effective today. Saying that the offering is not appropriate for a it’s marginally attentive readership, the paper will no longer feature it on its editorial page.
Penned by an unidentified writer, Info-Nympho followed an often tedious question and answer format that always skirted the subject and went directly to recounting the author’s sexual depravations, real or imagined. One example saw a reader write in asking about paint thinner only to be treated to a sordid account of the author’s visit to a swinger’s nightclub in Colona. Another went like this:
Dear Info Nympho: My family and I are confused about daylight savings time. Does one turn the clock up or back? Little Hand
Dear Little Hand. It’s simple: Spring forward, fall back. It’s a lot like my first time doing it on the beach. We looked up and there was nobody around so we figured we were alone. His hot breath gripped me and before I knew it clothes were everywhere. His welcome advances commenced and before I knew it we were in deep embrace. If only a crowd had not gathered we might still be there today. Info Nympho.
The column will be replaced by a bass fishing pictorial.
Anesthesiologists Anonymous Dissolves
(Montrose) Anesthesiologists Anonymous today disbanded after 30 years attempting to rehabilitate at risk medical personnel. In the final meeting former members unanimously pledged to do all they could for their brotherhood and while taking ten steps toward remaining total strangers. A pot luck dinner has been scheduled at an undisclosed spot. Parties interested in attending the finale are encouraged to bring a covered fish.
Independent Grocer to offer Double Days in October
(Ouray) Fewd’s Super Center Market and Super Fewd’s in Silverton will again feature Double Days on weekends in October offering the entire inventory (except the meat department) at twice the price as usual. It’s a madhouse but it’s fun,” said proprietor Fannie Fewd. “We’ll have a real faisdodo going on come Saturday night.” The popular promotion will run through Halloween and be repeated as often as necessary throughout the winter, according to a spokesman for the family-run market.
Monday Only Commerce Bill passes in Hinsdale County
(Lake City) Calling it “an end to puritan culture once and for all”, town and county officials today threw full support behind a proposed ordinance banning work in any form six days a week. Residents and visitors alike would face stiff penalties for commerce any day but Monday.
“It’s just a matter of complacency,” said one elected leader who then quoted a pointed Garifuna saying common to Caribbean Nicaragua: “Monday- work day, Tuesday – choose day, Wednesday – lose day, Thursday – muse day, Friday pay day, Saturday feast day, Sunday rest day.”
The motion is expected to pass easily at next Monday’s meeting.
Sage aftershave draws lusty ghost
(Crested Butte) A confirmed bachelor here says that ever since he began applying a local sage aftershave lotion he has found true romance. According to Tommy Middlefinger, a longtime house wrecker, he is visited every night in his boudoir by a sensual, yet rambunctious ghost set on extended love making. And he’s not complaining.
“The ratio of men to women here has always created a problem for the men and a paradise for the women,” he choked. “I just started using the aftershave to get rid of the gout. She (the ghostess) may be a little transparent but I assure you she’s still a fox even after 115 years in the grave.”
112-year old Cuban maestro denied entry into US
(Norwood) An elderly Cuban musician has been barred entry into the United States due to national security considerations it was reported today. The popular marimba great who has appeared on the popular Buena Vista Social Club CDs was turned away in Miami after showing his passport and playing the prescribed games attributed to Homeland Security Agency and the INS.
He was slated to play at Red’s Gravy Heaven on Grand Avenue October 20.
“I’ll just wait them out, said centenarian-plus Alfredo “The Marimba Machete” Garcia. “Sooner or later this quagmire too shall pass and maybe the U.S. will elect someone who likes Cuban music.”
People with whiny voices less likely to succeed says study
(Gunnison) A combined study conducted by Western State College University and Rocky Mountain Marmot and Wildflower Laboratory has determined that people with whiny voices are doomed to failure. The findings strongly suggest that although some whiners may do well in their early attempts they will, in the end, wind up in the gutter.
“Who wants some whiny know-it-all running around with success pinned to his coat,” asked one coordinator of a survey started last March. “We’ve talked to almost everyone in Gunnison County, including Marble and Vulcan, and nobody wants to see them do well.”
The study clearly states that fellow humans often dictate who is successful and that whiners rarely get the nod of the noggin in the social arena.
– compiled in part by Olivia Tinkleholland
KARMA MAN IN TOWN AGAIN
(Crested Butte) The much maligned Karma Man will once again be coming around and going around in these mountains for the summer. Despite attempts by some residents to convince him to circulate a wider radius, he will be in local faces through September. Civic and religious leaders have struggled to determine the source of his incredible powers but have failed, leading the scientific community to project that his activities are in sync with the cosmic flow.
“He was here last summer and people immediately started reaping what they had sowed,” said one local sage. “It’s a really beautiful sight to behold unless of course you are one of the people who have been taking extended draws against the bank of morality.
“This Karma Man character doesn’t have to do much,” he continued. “We do it all to ourselves. He is just the avenue of delivery, the medium of exchange on the stock market of destiny.”
Although nothing is etched in stone, the Karma guy’s tentative schedule is as follows:
Crested Butte: July 10 -20; Gunnison: July 21 -Aug 9; Montrose: Aug 10 – 22 Ridgway: Aug 23 – Aug 30) Ouray: August 23-August 30; Norwood: September 1-6; Telluride: September 7-21.
Any inmates of the smaller towns in the region should report to the closest burg as defined above.
“Kiss my aura, Dora.” – Frank Zappa (1940 – 1993)
Growing Number of Elvis Impersonators Flood Kremlin
(Moscow) What amounted to a few hundred Elvis impersonators in Red Square yesterday has quickly morphed to thousands, distracting potato head supporters of the war in Ukraine and leaving Vladimir Putin’s masterplan exposed to yet another setback.
Yes, Muscovites awoke this morning to more than a stumblebum war and a crippled economy. Looking out onto Red Square many expressed alarm as the place was jam- packed with people dressed as the late American singer icon, Elvis Presley.
Where all of the Elvises came from is anyone’s guess especially in a country that grows more closed by the day. Although police arrested over 2000 Elvises this morning alone by the afternoon their numbers had snowballed, surging beyond police barricades augmented by pleasant summer weather.
“Some jumped from planes, others arrived by bus from unidentified border crossings,”
according to a segment on the popular TV show Czarist Living. “Most wore sequin and had that sneer, you know the one, with the hips swaying and the crooning. Who wouldn’t take notice?
At present no Elvis has leveled sanctions on any oligarchs.
EU officials expressed hope that the absurd nature of this development might overflow into ongoing negotiations marred by the flow of emigrants from the pariah nation to nearby countries and the resilience of many to continue the embrace of a classic peasantry
“Our jails are filled with Elvises,” maintains one Putin loyalist. “There is no room for the drunks!”
-Fred Zeppelin
Paper to Aid in DUI Crackdown
The scene outside of Wimpton Billiard Hall clearly illustrates a crime in progress. The cars belong to Melvin Toole of Spring Creek and Gloria “Ruth” Lesse of Olathe. The photo staff of the paper hopes to catch drunks before they can get on the highway this summer.
(photo by Murial Armbruster)
(Montrose) The San Juan Horseshoe will join law enforcement officials in further DUI crackdowns this summer by photographing vehicles parked outside of local bars. The move, dubbed Operation Nab a Drunk, was kicked off Friday despite criticism from civil rights groups and without the approval of anyone in authority.
The scene outside of Excuses Billiard Hall in Manana clearly illustrates a crime in progress. The cars belong to Melvin Toole of Spring Creek and Gloria “Ruth” Lesse of Olathe. The photo staff of the paper hopes to catch drunks before they can get on the highway this summer.
“Why should local police have to hang out near bars and restaurants to arrest drinkers?” asked publisher Kashmir Horseshoe from the men’s room at the paper. “Certainly they must have other more important duties to perform during their shifts.”
The paper will rely on anonymous tips, rumors and hearsay when determining which hot spots to pinpoint. After initial investigation a staff photographer will be dispatched to the location of impact and a series of shots will be taken as proof of infraction.
“This way the police are not responsible for proof of attendance/occupancy near the particular bucket shop or spirits dispensary,” continued Horseshoe.
The DUI crusade, embraced by the law enforcement estate in the early 90s, has not only been financially profitable but has ruined the lives of countless social drinkers who made the mistake of having one more. Little attempt has been made to distinguish between the chronic drunk and the person who has wine with dinner or stops for a beer on the way home from work.
Meanwhile jail construction continues at a record pace as the US attempts to catch China and Myanmar for the lead in inmate population .
The paper plans to publish the incriminating photos each month until everyone is incarcerated. Free-lance photos will be considered on an individual basis with by-lines rather than fees respected at all times.
– Small Mouth Bess
Wind Takes Toll on Flag Persons
Give ’em a hearty wave!
(Ridgway) Powerful winds have made life all but intolerable for flaggers working on highways here according to anonymous sources in orange. While performing other tasks in the gusty thrusts is no picnic, standing in one spot for eight to ten hours per day is shear hell.
“I’d rather freeze or melt than be chipped away at by the wind,” said one veteran of the roads. “I don’t know why we can’t do all these repairs in January and February when we have nice, summer weather.”
Although no relief is in sight sources high on the food chain at C-DOT report zero casualties as the result of wind. Last Friday, however, one Ridgway man was picked up and carried half way up Dallas. Ten minutes later he landed safely in a elk-proof haystack.
At first eye witnesses thought the flight was some sort of stunt but when he didn’t come back someone called headquarters.
“We found him a bit stunned but all right and gave him the rest of the day off. He’s got a desk job now,” said a spokesperson for the highway department, plotting yellow dot and dash patterns along the center of the asphalt. We’re not sure what these yellow markings mean but expect he’s enjoying the challenge.”
Bosses here hope that sessions in Gestalt/Primal Scream therapy will reduce friction on the job as employees have been rather testy of late. This therapy is offered free every Saturday morning in the Rangely office and all winded employees are urged to attend.
In a related development sources the Colorado Department of Highways still won’t tell us who made the decision to use a highly-toxic Magnesium-Chloride solution on the roads this winter. The stuff, which reputedly kills trees, rusts cars and, yes, melts snow was rarely employed back when it used to snow regularly…so why now?
-Pepper Salte
Colorado will not send solar energy to Russia
(Ridgway) Russia is “flat out of luck” securing Colorado solar energy according to sources within this solar manufacturing hub. The termination of the lucrative energy exchange, began way back in 2001, is clearly attributed to February’s savage attack on neighboring Ukraine.
“The Russian leadership is composed of gangsters and murderers,” said a leading solar energy advocate from a sunny mountain meadow. “We do not seek to punish the people although many still support Putin’s War. Their warmth and comfort is simply collateral damage in a sense.”
In short, Russian weather sucks. The cold winters are married to sweltering summers, humid and stodgy. The humid continental climate that affects much of European Russia features only 85 days of sun per year. The desire for more solar exposure has been etched in the Russian psyche since the fall of the Soviet Union when the population looked to join the European community.
SOLAR ENERGY DERELICTS PROSPECTING FOR CLEANER FORMS OF ENERGY NEAR GRAND JUNCTION IN 2021
Today, with he war, life has returned to almost Stalinist boundaries with freedom of speech and movement greatly limited and the future looking bleak.
“Even the oligarchs can make the sun shine,” said the Colorado source.
-Melvin Nykolai
“Pantacha opened his eyes and closed them. They were red like a monkey’s behind.”
-Mario Vargas Llosa in “The Green House”
