All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Too Much Bass Bad For Dentures
(Raspberry Creek) Denture wearers may be at extreme risk when subjected to low-pitched tones or vibrations common to boom boxes and jacked-up automobile stereos. According to leading consumer groups regular exposure to loud, pounding bass waves are not only tedious and unsettling to the ears, but can also cause rapid deterioration and rejection of dentures, or false teeth as they are more commonly known.
According to the experts no matter how well as set of dentures fits the mouth, bass decibels will have adverse affects in up to 95% of examined occurrences. In some rare cases, dentists have found that dentures become unattached after only one short tune. Generally, it takes repetition and continued exposure to these kinds of sounds but the results are almost always the same.
“We particularly want to warn grandparents driving with their grandchildren,” said Suzie Compost, a denture wearer turned activist after her dentures flew out of a convertible blasting a booming rap concoction. We were just driving along when I felt my dentures loosen and break loose. Before I could react they were gone. I thought my jaw was next!”
According to other motorists the badly battered uppers skidded off a windshield, crashed into a light pole and slammed into the pavement before landing from a ditch. The lowers have yet to be recovered.
Even people possessing their original chompers can be victimized by the pounding bass according to experts who say that none of the senses are equipped to handle the onslaught.
“Most denture wearers are older and do not see the benefits of this musical expression,” added Compost…”and that says nothing for the freshwater perch.”
-Estelle Marmotbreath
El fin del mundo ya pasó, dice un científico
(Ouray) Un científico trascendental aquí dice que el tan temido fin del mundo ya ha ocurrido y que lo que vemos y experimentamos ahora es simplemente un sueño. El Dr. Melrose Tinkleholland, BFD, LSMFT, ex director del Instituto de Estudios Macrobudistas en Red Mountain dice que el final llegó hace quince años, pero que todos habían estado demasiado ocupados para notarlo.
“Hoy”, afirmó, “todo nuestro espectro depende de la imaginación humana generalmente liliputiense para soportar el flujo cósmico creado por las revoluciones de otros cuerpos celestes”.
Tinkleholland, quien saltó a la fama a principios de 1988, después de demostrar que Elvis Presley estaba vivo y vivía en el planeta Neptuno, es el ex presidente del Departamento de Astrología y Medicina Deportiva del prestigioso Instituto Cal Amari. Más tarde, ofreció una fuerte evidencia de que la tierra no solo fue visitada por extraterrestres, sino que estos vagabundos espaciales se sintieron particularmente atraídos por la cultura de los vaqueros en las Montañas Rocosas.
“Todavía les gusta vestirse como vaqueros cuando se les da la oportunidad”, dijo Tinkleholland. “¿Quién no lo haría?”
El profesor afirma tener evidencia fotográfica de un visitante extraterrestre montando un toro en el Ouray Rodeo de 1991, celebrado en Ridgway.
“Llegó a la campana pero se tragó el masticable”, se rió Tinkleholland. “Seguro que no los hacen como antes”.
Reafirmando su apreciación de que nuestro mundo es solo un sueño, el profesor miró con desprecio a los invitados reunidos y dijo: “Realmente ya no hay razón para preocuparse. Bien podríamos pasar un buen rato “.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
Breaking News Like Breaking Wind says Veteran Scribe
(Fincaville) Gracie Bellborne who is said to have “intimately covered” the Wall Street Crash, The Dust Bowl, The Rise of Roosevelt, the Battle for Singapore, Benito Mussolini’s wedding and the Partition of India says it was all quit enjoyable.
Having spent the past 50 years chain smoking, drinking vast quantities of homemade gin and spewing pomposities Bellhorne had hoped to “visit Mars or at least Jupiter” before she passed.
“She spends every evening getting pissed, looking down her silver cigarette holder, castigating anyone who disagrees with her juvenile appraisals,” said one longtime confidant.
The 112-year old organic gymnast was whisked into town yesterday to dedicate a statue to former hurling great Conor McSpam, whom she has never met but once saw play in Kilkenny while barnstorming the Republic of Ireland in 1965.
“I have no idea who he is,” said Bellborne, “but I love to ride on the bus.”
“YOU DON’T LOSE IF YOU GET KNOCKED DOWN. YOU LOSE WHEN YOU STAY DOWN. “ MOHAMMED ALI
DAWG AIR SLATED TO GET OFF THE GROUND IN SEPTEMBER
Regular canine-friendly flights will begin from hub designated US cities beginning this fall. The companion procedure that dictates one person to one dog was called a loving breakthrough.
The canines will have to pass a simple good behavior test or show a certificate from an accredited dog training school. High decibel levels, inviting aromas, response to other dogs and seat assignments are also expected to dictate who will travel and who will stay home.
“It’s an inspired attempt to get a leg up on less responsive airlines,” said Dag Katz, president of the new airline. “Up until now these airlines have ignored a large segment of the population making it very inconvenient to fly with larger dogs.”
Mandatory IQ testing for accompanying humans will be strictly enforced since it is accepted reality that bad owners make bad pets.
In addition, all flight attendants will have experience as dog trainers. Veterinarians will be on call in first class.
The flights remain expensive but not twice the quoted prices of other carriers. The fact that dogs do not generally check baggage and file complaints will be considered as the fledgling idea gets airborne.
“Did you ever try to fly a Rotweiller on one of the existing airlines? It is a nightmare. You don’t know until moments before the flight if Rover will make it to Rio or Bella to Buffalo.”
Dawg Air has pledged to make certain that all humans and dogs make their connections properly and that all special diets are accommodated.
“Most of the time the pooch passengers sit quietly looking out the window, napping or wondering when the plane will land.
The US Humane Society has yet to comment on the matter. Critics say the agency is awaiting more information when in fact it is waiting to have its paw greased.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
SANTA TO TEACH SEX-ED
(Montrose) Santa Claus has been hired to teach sex education starting in January according to educators here. In compliance with guidelines set down by the World Is Flat Puritan Consortium the curriculum will be based on half-truths, superstition, misinformation and outright lies permeated by faith-based interests and aimed at keeping an intellectually challenged segment of the population in the dark about such hushed topics as birth control, social responsibility and progressive hygiene.
Santa was chosen both because his very existence is likewise based on a series of myths and because he is free most of the year.
“All those elves running around must mean something,” said one teacher*, “even though our message here is abstinence. He’s got the credentials, but does he have the ability to whitewash the problem with fear and pseudo-morality in accordance with the accepted yardsticks?”
*Although there is no solid evidence that Santa was in any way involved with the procreation of the over 400 elves that live with him, he is seen as a father figure by many which may further qualify him for the teaching position.
-Eureka DeHaviland
US Seeks to Control Flow of Naughty Underwear
(Paris) France and a host of other European nations have accused the U.S. of cornering the market on naughty lingerie. The action, acknowledged in part by leading diplomats, began almost a year ago with the federal monitoring of underwear sales in North America.
U.S. interests allegedly seek to control the billion-dollar industry world wide according to fashion leaders here. They say that the Americans have stepped up production in an attempt to dominate global trade in the naughty commodity.
“Certainly we’d like to see more of the underwear made in the United States before embarking on some conspiratorial effort to regulate its exchange,” said Teddy LaRouiex, of the State Department. “Right now most of the garments are made in Third World countries.”
French leaders have protested the move saying that governments have no place tampering with slinky underwear. In an official statement released here the French have stopped short of condemning a long time trading partner asking only that the U.S. refrain from such action. “We are scandalized by the efforts to control distribution, design and prices of naughty lingerie, a product that should enjoy free access under the principles of supply and demand. We hope that the shear weight of protests will alleviate what has become a delicate situation.”
France then added that there are far more pressing issues on which to focus.
In private, leaders there said to have expressed horror that the status of naughty underwear might be by orchestrated solely by a country “misdirected by hefty servings of puritanism and guilt”. He told close advisors that the stream of underwear is sacred and should never be manipulated by a private entity.
Reaction all over the continent was pretty much the same. In Holland leaders called on the U.S. to stay out of people’s bedrooms and in Italy protestors threatened to attack the American Embassy if the situation is not reversed. Portugal called for a boycott on all goods manufactured in the U.S. while in Ireland manufacturing plants have begun turning out intimate software aimed at combating what Dublin calls an invasion of privacy.
Even the Russians are angry. Today Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin, called on Russians to reject all foreign-made frillies and buy all interior items, including wool socks and long handles from reputable government outlets within the country. EU economists expect this plea to have reverberating effects going into the Russian lingerie season (June and July) when its actually warm enough to walk around in the scanty attire.
Not to be outdone Nicolas Maduro, President of Venezuela called the developments “crimes against humanity”. He called on the workers of the world to cease production of U.S. bound lingerie.
“Let them see what its like to go without,” said Maduro as part of a six-hour speech carried by Tele Sur. “Their GIs started this whole power grab in Europe after World War II with the documented silk stockings and Hershey bar enticements. Now all these shenanigans have come home to roost.”
Meanwhile the hoi polloi of the fashion industry have remained mute waiting to see more.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
