Aliens abscond with Senate, House, most of Court

(Washington DC) Members of both Houses and several supreme justices were kidnapped during the final culmination of a particularly boring hearing on dog parks on federal lands in the Capital this morning. 

The justices were grabbed first and then forced to watch the juvenile shenanigans in the Senate before being disrobed and taken to comfort zones for reeducation and a forced return to the peasant way of life in the countryside.

Mitch “KY Jelly” McConnell appears crushed beneath the machinery of his own iniquitous schemes. The highly iconic, often colonic McConnell  was the victim of the sophisticated McConnell Shift, employed with great alacrity by the opposition. 

Everyone knows Mitch can’t hit the cutter, or the slider either. He looks like he is about to break into tears at any moment and yet here he is…in power.

It’s like selling one’s soul to the devil without asking for a receipt,” said one senate page of the entire ordeal.

“They all look the same to us,” laughed one kidnaping intruder from another world… “like a bunch of greedy old white men, mostly” said one confused galactic kidnapper, whatever that is.”

The politicians were whisked away after undergoing brain reassignment surgery (over in Maryland) and a new wardrobe according to decoded messages intercepted by ham radio operators outside Parlin, Colorado. Since a majority were already enrolled in one witness protection program or another, a bureaucratic nightmare was averted. 

No official randsom has been discussed.

-Small Mouth Bess

In other news 

Rats Outnumber Residents in Trump Apartments

“No, I said the rodents were making strides,” stressed billionaire Jared Rat. “and residents expected them to take over daily operations by 2023. Why must you crucify us. We are just trying to make a profit.”

The building, owned by members of the family, is a sacred testament to the business savvy of ex-politician, Donald J Trump.

A wall of snow and rock

My view from home, October 25, 2022

The dreaded solution

OP-ED by Joy Stillheart

Sitting alone in my bombed out jockey bloomers, sand dune stiletto clogs, and oxford bag waddle suspenders, draped in a maroon stretch waistcoat , accented in accompanying transparent sparkle-bright yoga tights I have embraced original thought, albeit vague, and certain frightening realizations.

Attached to all the trouble on this planet is one entity. Humans. The catalyst and often the direct cause for what ails us. I sip on my Oh Be Joyful and reminisce about the old days and their old days and the old days of people who are no longer living. I think about the new days for those not yet born.

When overpopulation stares one in the face in Western Colorado imagine life in other worlds where there is barely room to breathe, to move, to reach, to sit, to stand, to be at peace.

My bomb shelter might hold. It might not. 

A high percentage of the problems currently facing people are generated by people. We have impossible scenarios in immigration, abortion, weapons, climate change, water, endangered species, racism and intolerance while the rich stockpile and the poor starve. Those still hanging on to the middle remain bewildered which is probably a safe enough place to hide.

The old numbers don’t work anymore. The experiment is a failure. It’s time to ban us.

Among her other ribald accomplishments Ms Stillheart spent the better part of her childhood as a 40-year-old man. In 1999 she illegally parachuted from the Terminal Tower in Cleveland, Ohio, skipping across Lake Eire and barely missing Lake Ontario. Upon her incarceration she produced proof of her affection for the Bluejays and, after a lengthy apology by the Royal Canadian Mounting Police, was promptly released into her own custody. She was awarded Ms Congeniality while on tour as a mercenary in the Congo in 1988 and chaired the foreign service desk at the Disappointment Valley Optimists’ Club from 1989 to its disbanding by vigilantes in 1998. She blames most of her adult issues on the nuns without elaborating further.

US Map Shows Polarization and More

Darkened states within the land of the free clearly indicate domaines where people enjoy being tickeled with an albatross feather. In the lightly colored states the practice is illegal and punishable by fines and imprisonment. Both major political parties say they offer freedom while increasingly restricting the population. The experiment is not going well. The experiment is out of control.  (Poverty is a Crime Photo Service)

Surviving the Summer

Tips for insects

with Carl Cutworm, Ph.D., BFD, LSMFT.

Greetings fellow bugs! Ants, grasshoppers, earwigs, white flies and Boxelders. We’re talking to you. This month we will focus on how to stay out of the path of humans this summer and thus how to survive until fall. Keep in mind that, although incidental contact itself with these strange creatures can be deadly, many of these people are actively out to get you. While most of us are forced to co-exist with these brutes of the planet a little common sense and applied knowledge can make the difference between eradication and the big buzz.

First off, one has to understand the long history of animosity between bugs and people. Flying or crawling we always seem to get in their way. While some of us sting and some of us bite most of us a harmless enough and just want to be left to our own devices. Scenario: An innocent boxelder takes a wrong turn and ends up in some country kitchen. Instead of carefully escorting the hapless insect out the door the human steps on him, squashing him so that even his closest family member cannot recognize him. It’s murder! It’s cold-blooded but the hand that wields the fly swatter rules the world. We all know that. Often insect intruders are met with sprays, powders and blows to the head. They say we deserve it in that they don’t buzz around our faces or crash our picnics. How do they know? How many ants are crushed when a human walks across his lawn? How many hornets are baked or smothered when caught in a human’s car on a hot day?

There are no fool-proof answers to this life and death riddle but here are a few tips: 1.) Avoid crowds. People often gather in tight spots leaving no clear escape route for us.  2.) Watch out for open doors and windows. What you seek inside may not be worth it. 3.) The night time is the right time. Bugs have the advantage after dark. 4.) Always look up. Even though humans tend to charge, then retreat the attacks usually come from overhead. 5.) Stand your ground. In many cases they are more afraid of us than we are of them.

From our perspective crashes into windshields at 60 miles per hour, sticking to fly paper or ending up on the wrong side of a shoe cannot be countered, but one does not have to put himself at further risk. Know where you are and plan an escape route. Don’t travel in the company of other bugs…you make an even bigger target. Vary daily routines. Try to show a little control: What bug can so no to a juicy burger or a sweet dessert left out? Tempting as these victuals can be they are dangerous. It’s always better to wait until people throw out scraps and then hit the garbage. For some reason they are not as sensitive about that.

Some insects, like flies give us all a bad name. I for one could give a tinker’s damn when I see a fly get smashed or even caught in a spider’s web. They are bastards, all. Be aware too that, like the spider, there are plenty of other insects out there that will do you harm. Take for instance the Assassin Bug or the Lady Bug. They are in cahoots with the powers that be and can spell instant death for the unwary. Stop fighting amongst yourselves. If we all stick together we can defeat the oppressor. Remember: In the end, after the humans destroy themselves, we shall inherit the earth, not just cockroaches and beetles, but all of us. Be patient.

In closing we would like to remind all of you that humans are way uptight about us eating their plants or laying eggs in the soil. Although these are perfectly natural acts they can get you real dead. Of the multitude of sprays watch out for Bacillus thuringiensis, Neem oil, 1600 X-clude, Pyrethrum spray and assorted fungicides. Contact with these and other chemicals often prove disastrous. Sure, the humans use organic methods to try to run us off. Teas, garlic, horseradish, fertilizers, soaps, pineapple weed or sagebrush extract are gentle to plants but can disorient must insects leaving them spaced out and easy prey for predators. Why do they like their plants so much. And what’s  with this affinity for birds? They just crap all over everything. At least we’re a bit discreet. 

– Sergio Jingles

Next month: Sociopathic Gardening. Passive aggressive methodologies that get results: 

Accelerated growth in spring – watching them die in the fall. Don’t miss it!

Remember snow?

A much anticipated cold front is moving into Region Zen tonight bringing more seasonal temperatures after a series of baking heat waves in our high country. Snow can’t be far off. (Declan Haley Photo Talent Ltd.)