Socialist candidate irons own shorts

(Crested Butte) When one is talking authentic grass roots lifestyles, it may be important. It may scream out that this candidate is the real thing in 21^st Century politics. He claims to live and die for the workingman, to be the sentinel perched in the little person’s corner. Supporters say he’s a pit bull when it comes to defending the rights of forgotten groups and the disenfranchised.

     Now they say he irons his own underwear.

     After months of campaigning, the 5^th District candidate for burgermeister Mario Hercules has come clean with reporters, telling them that he would never hire a fellow human to wash his clothes or clean his house, even if he were to be elected President.

     “I even have trouble letting other people drive me around on the bus or packing up my groceries,” he said.

     A vocal proponent of equal rights for all, Hercules supports a fledgling measure that would require all future candidates for town offices prove five-year residency before registering for any election.

     “We must stop this rampant student council/town council perception of town government,” he snapped. “What do new residents know of the issues facing us in northern Gunnison County?”

     Supporters admit that the shorts ironing rap is an attention getting albeit cheap campaign slogan but add that it’s true.

     “Can most members of the hard-pressed middle class afford to have their lawns mowed or their cars washed?

     “Mario has never taken advantage of the less fortunate, enslaving them in domestic duties,” said one starry-eyed party worker. “Why he even walks his own dog.”

      The worker was quick to remind voters that Hercules is focused on creating a more functional job market where everyone can thrive in a positive environment.

     “Critics that accuse him of anti-growth should chew on proposals calling for the nation’s first skier dome, the Bo Bowl and Casino and the completion of an expansion bridge to Irwin,” continued the campaign worker. “These are real jobs that pay real wages and don’t footnote reality by taking in laundry.”

     Hercules supports travel related industries such as food and lodging services, firewood sales and ski mountain personnel chores. Preaching a kinder socialism, one that is compatible with capitalism, he stands firmly in favor of government-subsidized lift tickets.

     “People are happier when they are skiing,” he smiled. “What better way to amalgamate a functional proletariat than by offering them healthy, affordable, green recreation so close to home? Let the bourgeois tourists pay full price!”

     Hercules is currently offering free rides on Elk Avenue (in his 1956 Chrysler New Yorker that he calls his “proletariat chariot”). He favors tax credits for people who ride bikes (rather than cars) around town and has promised to redistribute land to struggling marijuana farmers in the Snodgrass district.

     Local media have him leading the field by as much as 45% of the projected vote.

– Melvin Toole 

150-Year Tango War Over

Peace in our time?

(Montevideo) Argentina and Uruguay have signed a final armistice ending a century-old fight over who created the Tango. In terminating hostilities, both sides have agreed to drop charges of cultural appropriation against the other.

Since the later 1800s, the two countries have been battling over the origin of the heady music and the passionate dance. Argentina claims the Tango began in the slums of Boca with the arrival of Italian immigrants, while Uruguay has always claimed that the original music was composed by an Uruguayan in Montevideo at about the same time. 

“We have been at odds for two and three generations,” said Horacio Cabralia, of Buenos Aires. Now these days of acrimony appear to be behind us.

Pillar DeSilva, a world champion tango artist from Rocha, Uruguay, says that despite lingering doubts it is time for the two nations to come together.

“It takes two to tango,” she quacked.

The action comes as part of an attempt by both sides to preserve the original elements of the dance. Variations have cropped up to due to the increased popularity of the tango all over the world.

Both Uruguay and Argentina have co-petitioned UNESCO to grant the tango world heritage status even though that invasive label often results in mass-tourism.

Despite a placating tone, both countries continue to insist that tango great, Carlos Gardel is native to their country. The Argentines say Gardel was born near Rosario in 1890, while the Uruguayans contend that his birthplace is in Tacuarembo, near the Brazilian frontier. Still others say he was born in France and was hiding out in South America to escape inscription in World War I.

Gardel, seen by some as the Big Bopper of Tango, was killed in a plane crash in Colombia in 1935 and a reported 200 female fans all over the world committed suicide when hearing the news. Today, especially in the Cafetera, it is quite  common to hear Tango mixed with Meringue, Salsa and Vallanato music in the cafes.

– Small Mouth Bess

IRS OFFERS MONEY BACK GUARANTEE

If you are not happy about the way the federal gov’ment is spending your tax dollars you could qualify for a full refund, no questions asked. That, according to an unreliable source at the Internal Revenue Service, represents the most drastic tax reform seen in this country since the whole mess started in (please insert date here/optional). 

“The United States Treasury Department has now seen fit to offer these options in an attempt to bridge the credibility gap between taxpayers and the feds. Apparently the taxing agency is uncomfortable with the present arrangement harboring common fears that people will just say no when the annual fees are calculated.

“They want to project a more human face,” continued the source, who was recently retired and now lives in Colona. In addition to standout performances with a Chinese ledger sheet, he can wiggle his ears and was once presented the much coveted Best Shortstop Award in the Irrational League.

When contacted by phone another agent agreed with the summation.

“We’re here to clear up any misunderstanding on the subject of taxation,” said the agent who refused to be identified. “In short, just because we have our hand in your pocket doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

Taxpayers who wish to apply for a refund can do so by simply filling out the required forms and return them to the IRS before June 15, 2012. Applications received after this date will not qualify for the program at this time. We will retain these petitions but they could get lost in the shuffle.

“To be on the safe side why not get off your butt earlier for 2012 returns,” said the second source, “and save everyone a lot of headache.”

“The best place to see God is outside, in the garden. You can dig for him there.”

− George Bernard Shaw

Heroine Rescued From Tracks

(Editor’s note: The following story first appeared as “Heroin Rescued from Tracks” which was most likely a typo and for which we heartily apologize.)

A Victorian heroine, tied mercilessly to a stretch of forgotten track near Sams by an unknown mustachiod assailant,  was rescued by a constable of the Canadian Mounted Police just after dawn this morning. Wilfrena Platte, of 22779911776675 Road in Mousetown, was pronounced in good condition despite exposure to the elements.

Although facts are sketchy red-coated police say a mustachioed villain in a dark suit and stove-pipe hat was apprehended in a stand of pinion trees nearby. He was reportedly rubbing his hands together madly and checking his watch when police approached. Officers confirmed that they confiscated a whip and small pieces of rope matching the type used to secure Platte to the tracks.

“It’s a just incrimination when one cannot even count on the trains running according to schedule in these parts anymore,” said an attorney for the suspect. “This entire affair is a miscarriage of justice in that my client had only recently returned from a bad guy’s conference in LA and was still out of town at his grandmother’s funeral during a blinding snowstorm. I would like to show you proof but the dog peed on it.”

One Sams bystander put it best saying, “Ain’t been no trains running around here since I can’t remember when and although things worked out for Wilfrena it’s all a sad memory for the rest of us. We liked having the train come through Sams.”

It was not known why Canadian authorities, who only have jurisdiction in Canada, were operating here but local police welcomed their keen response. Both groups are of the opinion that the villain had tied the maiden to the tracks since she has refused to go out with him.

HOWDY LAW RESCINDED

(Montrose) Litigious howdy legislation, originally hammered out by the city council here in Pre-Walmart days, has been repealed by state authorities who claim sovereignty in matters of public interaction. The somewhat popular howdy edict had called for fines, and in sensitive cases incarceration, to be imposed on unfriendly citizens who didn’t say “Howdy” when passing their fellows on city streets.

Pedestrians unaccustomed to returning a greeting have been encouraged to get with the program or face the music,” said a current councilperson. “Social erosion and the loss of neighborliness are at stake here!”

With all of the new resident in these valleys we must enforce this edict,” said another proponent of the Howdy Law. “We must show them the high road or risk losing our souls.”

In another camp Rep. Greg Garias disagreed saying that if people don’t want to say hello it is their business.

“It’s not that I’m saying Colorado was friendlier before. It’s just that now we are more cosmopolitan, more diverse, more distracted,” said Garias sponsor of the controversial Make My Day Law. “Today we talk to machines and eat fast food. We consume in discount houses that smell of mutation and evil. In these days of drive-by shootings and home security systems if people don’t say Howdy or return a wave they shouldn’t face official castigation.”

Critics of Garias contend that he is mad but suggest that police departments are far too busy writing DUIs to undress to subject of social breakdown.

– Suzie Compost  

—–FLASH—–

Members of NATO expressed shock and awe today upon receipt of verification that many Third World countries are sitting on an immense cache of bows and arrows. The arsenal may even include battering rams, shields and catapults. Radical aggressors include Mexico, Bolivia, Tanzania, Malaysia and a defiant Wyoming,  feared to be armed to the teeth by anyone’s standards.

Further rumors strongly suggest that some of the more warlike my possess cross-bows, which are illegal in most parts of the civilized world as well as long-range spears camouflaged as surface-to-air missiles. 

There was no measured response this morning although sources at NATO promised to keep at least one firm eye on the growing confrontation.

Student Suspended for Bringing Book to School

(Carne Canyon) Tommy Middlefinger 12,, a problem child, was put on indefinite suspension after a loaded book was found in his locker at Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School here. Middlefinger had apparently taken the book from his father, who had left it lying around in full view of the adolescent. The little culprit was busted after he was observed flashing the book around in the lunchroom at at afternoon recess. 

“What we have here is a volatile situation in the making,” said LHO principal John Bookburne. “Imagine the chaos that would surely reign if every student brought just one small-caliber book into these hallowed halls. Soon teachers would have to arm themselves with books too,” he winced. “It would start with text books then escalate into all out war with  assault classics and long-range ballistic technical journals wheeled in for the kill!”

Bookburne went on to say that the schools are here to babysit and produce little robots for placement in society. 

“Most book have no place in education,” he said. 

Middlefinger’s parents have yet to be contacted since both are heavy readers themselves and were at the library at the time of the incident.

 “Somehow we aren’t surprised,” rattled Bookburne. Children learn by example.” 

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“Sure, there were several wise women in the Irish Channel, who seem to have been combination seers and midwives in most cases. Then there was a witch man named Buddy Lolliger who possessed the disagreeable ability to cause an automobile wreck merely by wishing it would happen.”

– descriptions of the New Orleans Irish Channel in the 1940s

from Gumbo Ya-Ya

SHOPPE FEATURES VICTORIAN MORALITY

(Ouray) Along with the ice cream cones, the horseback strolls and the jeep rides this mountain town is offering something truly unique this season…a taste of what it was really like back then. Victorian morals.

Although alive and well in places like Latin America this vague moral code has fallen from favor up North  Clashes with latter day puritans, the emergence of a consumer  middle class and purges peppered with guilt have all but driven this method of living from whispers in the hallway to denials in the alley.

The shoppe itself, aptly called Prince Albert’s Emporium, is named after the husband of Queen Victoria. In it the history buff will find flags from the Opium War, portraits of the queen, works by such great novelists as Charles Dickens and Thomas Hardy. Williams Butler Yeats, Oscar Wilde and Sean O’Casey are there too.

 The most fascinating items on display include a cuckoo clock once owned by Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone’s first real estate license. Proprietors Judy and Ed Balfour, along with their cousin the Marquis of Salisbury say the shoppe is doing well with most requests having to do with the surprising social structure of the time.

“The Victorians were very good at towing the line during the day and letting it all hang out after dark,” said Balfour. “The same gentleman who wouldn’t think of going to town without a tie and walking stick had a mistress in the closet. Victorian ladies, who believed chalk-white skin to be a sign of affluence and station might spend the entire afternoon immersed in novels like William Thackeray’s Vanity Fair which satirized English society life.”

“When winter comes we head to Rio de Janeiro,” he said, “where we operate our other business, Ferdinand and Isabella’s Boutique, which focuses on the social mores attached to the Spanish Inquisition. 

“In South America, where Victorian thinking is a day to day occurrence, we had to think of something out of the mainstream. Judy and I think we’ve hit a home run with all the heresy accessories, replica torture chambers, a wide assortment of hair shirts, and gifts of intolerance masked as nationalism. One particularly interesting treasure is a copy of the first Index Librium Prohibitorum translated into Yiddish. We think both stores promote the idea that no matter how hard society demands we play it straight there is always room for a little fun.”

– Jack Spratt

“Democracy and stupidity just don’t mix.”  – Alex Hamilton

Team Garbage Leaves Town

Principles at Team Garbage have allegedly absconded with two backhoes, a signature 5-speed Henway and assorted petty cash according to flies on the scene. The refuse collection package offered service to the elite wherein their garbage would be dropped in more desirable locations within the landfill schematic. Appealing to snobbishness and boredom the designer garbage industry would have to wait for now, as the wealthy concern themselves with regional consuming so as to create more local garbage.

We had interviewed one former client, known around here as simply “Ego”.

“They never came by the restaurant when they promised they would,” he said. “They would pull the garbage truck up into our parking lot at dinner hour and leave it idle,” he snorted. Their drivers would arrive unannounced demanding payment and helping themselves to the back bar while they glared at diners and waited  impatiently for their money,” he raged.

Team Trash says Ego owes them $450,000 for services rendered from 2020 – 2021.

“You don’t want your trash down the hole with the debris of the great unwashed do you?” asked the promotional leaflet circled heavily in Gunnison in 2020. “The fledgling company had offered preferred rendezvous pickup, valet parking, private refuse plots, Lucky Landfill Points, 24-hour observation, elite fly control and gated access. 

“I guess nobody in Gunnyville is ready for these kinds of class distinctions,” one owner had sobbed over Cattlemen’s Days last summer. 

“The rich may let us down from time to time but that group is still the best option for making a quick buck all along the stupid scale. You sure can’t count on the poor.” 

Business Update

In a last minute development Bigfoote Tofu and Tattoo has brought down the final curtain after a solid two months in business – According to a hastily scribbled note on the window: “Gunnison just wasn’t ready for our progressive services”

Public notice: Mystic Road to Salvation Unltd. will cease sponsorship of all cockfights and rely solely on electric vehicles to get back and forth to Eternal Life responsibilities in Paradise as of 2035. Rev Rooster.

“Batten down the hatches – Katy bar the door with a river view? Fisherman’s Wart Bar and Lounge has reopened. Our very casual to lewd Lush Hour is from 2 – 3 all day long! You’ll never drink on dry land again! Coming in June: Fisherman’s Wart Bar and Lounge Two, located directly across the river. Ask about our pontoon food wagons. And, hey, wanna slam a few for the bar ditch? We paid off the cops —so down the hatch!

 

“So it’s not hard to see where the MAGA right’s admiration for Putinism comes from. After all, Putin’s Russia is autocratic, brutal and homophobic, with a personality cult built around its ruler. What’s not to like?”  

– Paul Krugman, in NY Times

apology – We mistakenly referred to a local gin mill as the Fisherman’s Wart when it is actually the Fisherman’s Wharf. We apologize for this honest mistake and continue to assert that the typo had nothing to do with the outstanding advertising bill from the Fisherman establishment.

FISH HOUSE DAYS

The following conversations took place while Toole was employed at Gossman’s Dock, Montauk, New York in 1972. 

The cast was as follows: Jackie: Jacqueline Onassis;

Mick: Mick Jagger; Billy: Billy Joel; Carly: Carly Simon; Melvin: Melvin Toole

The scene opens early in the morning on a sunny day in July with a large crowd gathered at the entrance to the fish house. Some are there to spot a celebrity. Others are there simply to buy some fish.

Mick: How’s the flounder today?

Melvin: Quite good. We just hauled it in this morning. Probably the best catch we’ve had all week. I can let you have it for $8.99 a pound since we’re loaded with it.

Mick: Ducky. I’ll take three pounds. Got any steamers?

Melvin: Can’t you read the sign? No steamers.

Mick: Oh, yeah. Well give me some little necks then and a cup of Manhattan chowder.

Melvin: For here or to go?

Mick: Whatever…

Mick leaves with his fish meeting Carly on the way out the door.

Carly: Nice looking flounder.

Mick: Yeah and its on sale for $8.99 a pound

Carly: All right! (To Toole) I hear you’ve got some nice flounder.

Melvin: Who told you?

Carly: Why Mick Jagger. I ran into him on the way in.

Melvin: Oh. Yeah, and it’s as fresh as fresh can be. Caught it off Greenport. We just got it on the ice an hour ago.

Carly: I’ll take four pounds and maybe some steamers.

Melvin: No steamers (he motions toward the sign which reads: “No Steamers Today”.)

Carly: Oh, sorry. How’s the bluefish?

Melvin: It’s delicious. I had a few for breakfast on the way in from the Shagwong at dawn. Sushi quality, guaranteed.

Carly: I prefer it cooked. I’ll take a pound and a half.

Melvin: That will be $21 with the tax.

Carly: Thanks. See ya.

Now it’s Billy’s turn

Billy: Nice looking lobster. What’s the tariff?

Melvin: They’re $2.50 a pound. The nicest ones are about 2 to 3 pounds.

Billy: OK. Gimme three. Got any snapper?

Melvin: Tomorrow. The boys are out chasing it as we speak. How about some flounder?

Billy: Sure, why not. It looks good. Do you have any steamers?

Melvin: No (forgetting the sign this time) but I’ve got some nice cherrystones and some soft-shelled crab in from the Chesapeake.

Billy: What’s the best way to cook them?

Melvin: Steam them until they open up a little…About seven to eight minutes. Want some mussels to go with that?

Billy: Sure, why not, I’m rich.

Melvin: That comes to $42.59.

Billy: Here’s a fifty. Keep the change.

Melvin: Thanks. Now I can pay my rent.

Toole is ready for a break. He walks out onto the dock to catch a little sun. While doing so he sees one of his better customers stuck behind a gang of one-horse tourists and motions for her to come around through the employee entrance.

Jackie: Gee, I’ve never used an employee entrance before.

Melvin: Good morning, Mrs, Onassis. Are you here to buy fish or look at celebrities?

Jackie: What’s the difference?

Melvin: You’re asking me. What can I help you with?

Jackie: Aristotle is bring home a few business associates for dinner and I just don’t know what to cook.

Melvin: The last time I was on Crete everyone was chowing down on Red Mullet, Grouper and Squid.

Jackie: Got any Mackerel or Cod?

Melvin: (To himself: “Not very imaginative.”) Sure. We have both as well as some fresh-frozen striped bass.

Jackie: What does fresh-frozen mean?

Melvin: Too early to tell. Here’s the cod. It’s from out near Gardiner’s Island and is on sale today for $4.99 a pound. The Mackerel is only $3.99.

Jackie: Hmmmm. I guess I’ll take a pound of each and three lobsters.

Melvin: OK. Will there be anything else?

Jackie: You got any steamers?

– Kevin Haley

“It’s nothing more than a flesh wound…now back to your posts!”

– Confederate General Kashmir Horseshoe to his troops, after a Union cannon ball bounced off the side of his the head during the Battle of Meandering Thistle, May 1863.