LEVITATIONAL PARKING PLANNED AT MT. CRESTED BUTTE

(Gothic) Organically crisp officials at the Crested Butte ski area may have found the solution to chronic parking problems here by way of India. Snow Guru International, a firm of freelance swamis from the nice part of Calcutta, claims the capability of successfully suspending automotive vehicles in thin air! The mystics will go to work next Thanksgiving weekend and continue to ply their gravitational trade until the ski area closes in April.

“We figure we have extended our top occupancy ceiling to about 500,000 cars per day considering predetermined air space and a desire to let the sun shine in,” said a marketing source who asked that she not be included in this story by name. “We don’t know how this applies to skier days or if it will work on heavy powder days.”

Parked car at Mount Crested Butte in early April. Proponents grudgingly admit there will be issues to iron out before next ski season

The source then went on to admit that she had no clue what skier days might be but was quite familiar with powder days.

Across the Elk Mountains, principals in Aspen have been conducting underground tests with levitation and suspension since September. They would not talk to our reporter despite a lot of whining. In Steamboat Springs excess vehicles and skier baggage will be stored on the James Brown Soul Center of the Universe Bridge and skiers will be hauled into town via open-air tuna boats.

Imagine skiing down Jokerville or Twister at Crested Butte and looking up at your car hanging high above the resort silhouetted against the winter sky! What a rush!

“Look mom! It’s our Explorer!”

Parking fees will fluctuate depending on the size and weight of the vehicle with out-of-state skiers getting a sizable break when they purchase a package. Old Volkswagens and beat up pickups (local vehicles) will not qualify for the uplifting since the area is concerned with its image and “does not seek to clutter the horizon with a bunch of decaying jalopies”.

In addition to the parking arrangements the Snow Guru International hopes to provide a top-drawer coat and hat check, bonded baby-sitting, a convenient lost and found and a pretentious cocktail lounge for people waiting for their vehicles to return to earth. 

To date there have been only a few accidents involving reentry and “not that many” people have been injured by falling cars to date. One such disaster was narrowly averted as a 3/4-ton GMC pickup was inadvertently dropped through the roof of what once was the Alpenhof Cabana, coming to a complete rest in a somewhat unoccupied men’s room.

The service is restricted to vehicles operated by persons with a valid ski pass. No AARP discount will be extended and motorists driving RVs are asked to leave the same in Almont.

“We’re really excited about this concept, said the secretive marketer. “Now a lot of the tourists will have something else to look at besides themselves parading around in their ski fashions all day. Heck, some might even get motivated and take a few runs or at least a lift ride or two.”

The Crested Butte and Mt. Crested Butte Councils have tentatively approved the plan while BOZO is firmly against, and has always been firmly against, deterring from the laws of nature. Insiders suggest that if CBMR executives will only paint themselves a sweet and sour  Victorian purple everything will be alright over at BOZO.

Despite early support by other government agencies, consumers are privately urged to take Alpine Express or town bus up to the mountain until further tests are concluded.

-Barb Wire