Culinary college resents feeder designation

(Crested Butte) Lawrence of Oregano Culinary Academy has filed a domestic libel suit claiming misrepresentation and reckless endangerment on the part of POX News and a bevy of subsidiaries. 

The academy, named for a popular restaurant located here in the early 70s, says the use of the term feeder is inappropriate and damaging to “a business image that has been evolving off the grid for over a decade.

“These talking Freds have referred to our school as a feeder institution for too long,” said head chef Susanne “Sous” Fry, recognized as the innovator of vertical food architecture, among a throng of other accolades.

“These hacks eat out of can. They wouldn’t last a lunch shift in the real world,” added Fry. “They’d burn the biscuits. They’d foul the flambe. They’d misspell the roux.”

She went on to question just exactly how or what her restaurant was feeding in that the college has been ranked in the top three foodie domains since its inception.

“Our students have already arrived, unlike the phonies at POX,” she said.

Attorneys for the academy expressed hope that the matter would be settled out of a quart rather than further bog down the ongoing county legal process.

“It’s a hot potato here, a real pressure cooker, especially at the height of ski season,” said Adolf Cromwell, of Parlin’s Cromwell, Calvin and Quisling group, currently representing the academy. 

“We are not looking for a pound of flesh, said Crowell. ”We seek a simple retraction and legal fees. We see no sense in egging anyone on.”

–Kashmir Horseshoe

Deadline for hibernation permits draws near

(Bland Valley) Residents who wish to hibernate this winter have until Thursday to obtain official Colorado Hibernation Permits. The procedure is simple enough, as applicants must only stop by the nearest Division of Caves and Bunkers office to pick up the needed forms.

“We have begun to closely monitor hibernation since more and more people have expressed interest in this winter diversion,” said Melvin Bedwetter Toole, Director of Latent Dormancy for the Western Slope.   

“This, combined with the population explosion here, has made cave space a premium and has threatened to disrupt the peace and quiet enjoyed for centuries by innocent fur-bearing animals.”

In addition to a small handling fee, persons wishing to enter this torpid state must also undergo a hibernation safety course, which is offered on Saturdays until January. The cost of the class is $125.

“In effect, this is an extended deadline,” smiled someone familiar with these kinds of things, “and we hope participants will be kind to our clerks when registering. We know you’re tired but getting testy with our people will only make matters worse.”

“Again with the Hunter Biden laptop! Give it a rest! You don’t hear anyone obsessing over the former president’s son’s laptop. And Eric’s got a good one — it’s made by Fisher-Price, and it can tell you what sound a cow makes.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

Skates banned from Winter Olympics

(Flagstaff) Competition skates, ones with razor sharp edges for traction and durability, have been banned from future Winter Olympics competition, it was announced today. The potential weapons will be confiscated on-site and at border crossings all over the civilized world.

“If any skater attempts to smuggle skates into the state he/she will be prosecuted under one of our new terrorist acts,” said what appeared to be a rattled bureaucrat from down the hall. “We don’t feel the need to banish items like skis, due to size, or hockey sticks. It’s the skates that we’re concerned about.”

Just last night federal agents arrested three Eastern European skaters who looked suspicious.

“They seemed a bit too nervous when we frisked them and sent carry-ons back through the X-ray machine over and over again,” said one agent. “Then when we asked them to provide further proof of identity they really acted guilty.”

None of the three arrested could speak English but then again, neither could most of the security personnel on the scene.

It is hoped that the skaters will be released before the snow melts.

In a related piece air units attached to the War on Drugs accidentally attacked ground troops operating within the War on Terrorism. Fortunately War on Poverty bombers missed their targets and there were no reported injuries.

COLORADO SKI AREAS EYE AFGHANISTAN

(Kabul) It has mountains and lots of snow. It has an employment pool in place that is used to working for nothing. It offers better housing options than Telluride or Crested Butte. It’s close to European ski population and to evolving markets in Asia. It’s Afghanistan.

Already several ski interests have invested an initial sum of money for an marketing survey and ad campaign under the hype umbrella of “Afghanistan…Where you’ve always wanted to ski!”

According to executives at Vail the terrain, although bleak, cries out for development. Treeless slopes are prime for lifts and runs while now idle militants could be pressed into service as members of the ski patrol. 

“Talk about extreme,” said Melvin Toole, of Crested Butte. “Many of us never thought the sport would go over in Utah but good snow proved us wrong. We might not even have to make snow.”

Toole pointed to the existence of one airport in Kabul and the possibility of transforming air bases into mini airports specifically designed to handle large groups.

“Sure, we’ll pump millions into lifts and maintenance but think of the profits from condo sales,” cried Toole. “We’ve already started excavation near Mazur-i-Sharif in the north and down south at Kyber Pass. Several ski resorts in the Hindu Kush could be easily served from Kabul.”

Toole told reporters that already many merchants have expressed interest in getting in on the ground floor.

“You never know how much highgrade heroin can end up in your pie can after a shift,” winked one government source.

“Remember what a dump Steamboat Springs used to be before the ski area opened?” he chided. “Remember Aspen in the age of coal?”

Colorado Ski Country hopes to gain the blessing of leading mullahs in Afghanistan by offering them complimentary season passes and one-on-one instruction. 

“This country is perfect for skiing,” added Toole. “Turbans are warm, burkas cut the wind on the face and those cute little papooshes make great telemark boots.” 

-Tommy Middlefinger

Socialist candidate irons own shorts

(Crested Butte) When one is talking authentic grass roots lifestyles, it may be important. It may scream out that this candidate is the real thing in 21^st Century politics. He claims to live and die for the workingman, to be the sentinel perched in the little person’s corner. Supporters say he’s a pit bull when it comes to defending the rights of forgotten groups and the disenfranchised.

     Now they say he irons his own underwear.

     After months of campaigning, the 5^th District candidate for burgermeister Mario Hercules has come clean with reporters, telling them that he would never hire a fellow human to wash his clothes or clean his house, even if he were to be elected President.

     “I even have trouble letting other people drive me around on the bus or packing up my groceries,” he said.

     A vocal proponent of equal rights for all, Hercules supports a fledgling measure that would require all future candidates for town offices prove five-year residency before registering for any election.

     “We must stop this rampant student council/town council perception of town government,” he snapped. “What do new residents know of the issues facing us in northern Gunnison County?”

     Supporters admit that the shorts ironing rap is an attention getting albeit cheap campaign slogan but add that it’s true.

     “Can most members of the hard-pressed middle class afford to have their lawns mowed or their cars washed?

     “Mario has never taken advantage of the less fortunate, enslaving them in domestic duties,” said one starry-eyed party worker. “Why he even walks his own dog.”

      The worker was quick to remind voters that Hercules is focused on creating a more functional job market where everyone can thrive in a positive environment.

     “Critics that accuse him of anti-growth should chew on proposals calling for the nation’s first skier dome, the Bo Bowl and Casino and the completion of an expansion bridge to Irwin,” continued the campaign worker. “These are real jobs that pay real wages and don’t footnote reality by taking in laundry.”

     Hercules supports travel related industries such as food and lodging services, firewood sales and ski mountain personnel chores. Preaching a kinder socialism, one that is compatible with capitalism, he stands firmly in favor of government-subsidized lift tickets.

     “People are happier when they are skiing,” he smiled. “What better way to amalgamate a functional proletariat than by offering them healthy, affordable, green recreation so close to home? Let the bourgeois tourists pay full price!”

     Hercules is currently offering free rides on Elk Avenue (in his 1956 Chrysler New Yorker that he calls his “proletariat chariot”). He favors tax credits for people who ride bikes (rather than cars) around town and has promised to redistribute land to struggling marijuana farmers in the Snodgrass district.

     Local media have him leading the field by as much as 45% of the projected vote.

– Melvin Toole 

150-Year Tango War Over

Peace in our time?

(Montevideo) Argentina and Uruguay have signed a final armistice ending a century-old fight over who created the Tango. In terminating hostilities, both sides have agreed to drop charges of cultural appropriation against the other.

Since the later 1800s, the two countries have been battling over the origin of the heady music and the passionate dance. Argentina claims the Tango began in the slums of Boca with the arrival of Italian immigrants, while Uruguay has always claimed that the original music was composed by an Uruguayan in Montevideo at about the same time. 

“We have been at odds for two and three generations,” said Horacio Cabralia, of Buenos Aires. Now these days of acrimony appear to be behind us.

Pillar DeSilva, a world champion tango artist from Rocha, Uruguay, says that despite lingering doubts it is time for the two nations to come together.

“It takes two to tango,” she quacked.

The action comes as part of an attempt by both sides to preserve the original elements of the dance. Variations have cropped up to due to the increased popularity of the tango all over the world.

Both Uruguay and Argentina have co-petitioned UNESCO to grant the tango world heritage status even though that invasive label often results in mass-tourism.

Despite a placating tone, both countries continue to insist that tango great, Carlos Gardel is native to their country. The Argentines say Gardel was born near Rosario in 1890, while the Uruguayans contend that his birthplace is in Tacuarembo, near the Brazilian frontier. Still others say he was born in France and was hiding out in South America to escape inscription in World War I.

Gardel, seen by some as the Big Bopper of Tango, was killed in a plane crash in Colombia in 1935 and a reported 200 female fans all over the world committed suicide when hearing the news. Today, especially in the Cafetera, it is quite  common to hear Tango mixed with Meringue, Salsa and Vallanato music in the cafes.

– Small Mouth Bess

IRS OFFERS MONEY BACK GUARANTEE

If you are not happy about the way the federal gov’ment is spending your tax dollars you could qualify for a full refund, no questions asked. That, according to an unreliable source at the Internal Revenue Service, represents the most drastic tax reform seen in this country since the whole mess started in (please insert date here/optional). 

“The United States Treasury Department has now seen fit to offer these options in an attempt to bridge the credibility gap between taxpayers and the feds. Apparently the taxing agency is uncomfortable with the present arrangement harboring common fears that people will just say no when the annual fees are calculated.

“They want to project a more human face,” continued the source, who was recently retired and now lives in Colona. In addition to standout performances with a Chinese ledger sheet, he can wiggle his ears and was once presented the much coveted Best Shortstop Award in the Irrational League.

When contacted by phone another agent agreed with the summation.

“We’re here to clear up any misunderstanding on the subject of taxation,” said the agent who refused to be identified. “In short, just because we have our hand in your pocket doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

Taxpayers who wish to apply for a refund can do so by simply filling out the required forms and return them to the IRS before June 15, 2012. Applications received after this date will not qualify for the program at this time. We will retain these petitions but they could get lost in the shuffle.

“To be on the safe side why not get off your butt earlier for 2012 returns,” said the second source, “and save everyone a lot of headache.”

“The best place to see God is outside, in the garden. You can dig for him there.”

− George Bernard Shaw

Heroine Rescued From Tracks

(Editor’s note: The following story first appeared as “Heroin Rescued from Tracks” which was most likely a typo and for which we heartily apologize.)

A Victorian heroine, tied mercilessly to a stretch of forgotten track near Sams by an unknown mustachiod assailant,  was rescued by a constable of the Canadian Mounted Police just after dawn this morning. Wilfrena Platte, of 22779911776675 Road in Mousetown, was pronounced in good condition despite exposure to the elements.

Although facts are sketchy red-coated police say a mustachioed villain in a dark suit and stove-pipe hat was apprehended in a stand of pinion trees nearby. He was reportedly rubbing his hands together madly and checking his watch when police approached. Officers confirmed that they confiscated a whip and small pieces of rope matching the type used to secure Platte to the tracks.

“It’s a just incrimination when one cannot even count on the trains running according to schedule in these parts anymore,” said an attorney for the suspect. “This entire affair is a miscarriage of justice in that my client had only recently returned from a bad guy’s conference in LA and was still out of town at his grandmother’s funeral during a blinding snowstorm. I would like to show you proof but the dog peed on it.”

One Sams bystander put it best saying, “Ain’t been no trains running around here since I can’t remember when and although things worked out for Wilfrena it’s all a sad memory for the rest of us. We liked having the train come through Sams.”

It was not known why Canadian authorities, who only have jurisdiction in Canada, were operating here but local police welcomed their keen response. Both groups are of the opinion that the villain had tied the maiden to the tracks since she has refused to go out with him.

HOWDY LAW RESCINDED

(Montrose) Litigious howdy legislation, originally hammered out by the city council here in Pre-Walmart days, has been repealed by state authorities who claim sovereignty in matters of public interaction. The somewhat popular howdy edict had called for fines, and in sensitive cases incarceration, to be imposed on unfriendly citizens who didn’t say “Howdy” when passing their fellows on city streets.

Pedestrians unaccustomed to returning a greeting have been encouraged to get with the program or face the music,” said a current councilperson. “Social erosion and the loss of neighborliness are at stake here!”

With all of the new resident in these valleys we must enforce this edict,” said another proponent of the Howdy Law. “We must show them the high road or risk losing our souls.”

In another camp Rep. Greg Garias disagreed saying that if people don’t want to say hello it is their business.

“It’s not that I’m saying Colorado was friendlier before. It’s just that now we are more cosmopolitan, more diverse, more distracted,” said Garias sponsor of the controversial Make My Day Law. “Today we talk to machines and eat fast food. We consume in discount houses that smell of mutation and evil. In these days of drive-by shootings and home security systems if people don’t say Howdy or return a wave they shouldn’t face official castigation.”

Critics of Garias contend that he is mad but suggest that police departments are far too busy writing DUIs to undress to subject of social breakdown.

– Suzie Compost  

—–FLASH—–

Members of NATO expressed shock and awe today upon receipt of verification that many Third World countries are sitting on an immense cache of bows and arrows. The arsenal may even include battering rams, shields and catapults. Radical aggressors include Mexico, Bolivia, Tanzania, Malaysia and a defiant Wyoming,  feared to be armed to the teeth by anyone’s standards.

Further rumors strongly suggest that some of the more warlike my possess cross-bows, which are illegal in most parts of the civilized world as well as long-range spears camouflaged as surface-to-air missiles. 

There was no measured response this morning although sources at NATO promised to keep at least one firm eye on the growing confrontation.

Student Suspended for Bringing Book to School

(Carne Canyon) Tommy Middlefinger 12,, a problem child, was put on indefinite suspension after a loaded book was found in his locker at Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School here. Middlefinger had apparently taken the book from his father, who had left it lying around in full view of the adolescent. The little culprit was busted after he was observed flashing the book around in the lunchroom at at afternoon recess. 

“What we have here is a volatile situation in the making,” said LHO principal John Bookburne. “Imagine the chaos that would surely reign if every student brought just one small-caliber book into these hallowed halls. Soon teachers would have to arm themselves with books too,” he winced. “It would start with text books then escalate into all out war with  assault classics and long-range ballistic technical journals wheeled in for the kill!”

Bookburne went on to say that the schools are here to babysit and produce little robots for placement in society. 

“Most book have no place in education,” he said. 

Middlefinger’s parents have yet to be contacted since both are heavy readers themselves and were at the library at the time of the incident.

 “Somehow we aren’t surprised,” rattled Bookburne. Children learn by example.” 

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“Sure, there were several wise women in the Irish Channel, who seem to have been combination seers and midwives in most cases. Then there was a witch man named Buddy Lolliger who possessed the disagreeable ability to cause an automobile wreck merely by wishing it would happen.”

– descriptions of the New Orleans Irish Channel in the 1940s

from Gumbo Ya-Ya