All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Not so fast there Saint Whosit:
with Rev Phillip Pharisee
former WWF champion turned man of the cloth
Sometimes our sacred concept of forgiveness a little more involved…a little more give, and less take. It’s like cheating at golf – the cheater loses before the first ball drops into the cup…instant karma strikes again! The self-canonized goes down in flames….You can sin but you can’t hide.
We have heard yearnings of late as to the many Biblical cherry pickers screened/detained at the Pearlies. Apparently they must show proof that they indeed have a soul. A lack of compassion while on earth could net a long wait in Purgatory until your case can be reviewed.
Earth’s relentless spinning is blamed for social disorder and Strife. The human predicament. We suffer from a subconscious desire to remain stupid even though the options to upgrade the intellectual experience are close at hand. Looks like we’re in for another bumpy ride.
Everyday, it seems someone new is asking me: Rev Phil if I paint the church will I automatically go to heaven when I die? The answer is a great big “Yes!” but don’t forget to tithe as well to make sure all the palms are greased on the way up the stairway. While bigwigs like Peter and Paul don’t expect a tip many of the underling angels and even some of the minor saints rely on gratuities to get by. Who knows, one might end up living in close proximity to some of these celestial glad-handers and eternity is a long time to harbor petty resentments.
And in a related announcement: Good news for armies and preachers: US schools post lowest reading and math scores in decades. Why dwell on the negative. Don’t worry – you are the chosen ones. Everything is fine.
Next Sunday:
“What do animals in the zoo think about all day?”
Man walks off cliff near Chief Ouray Mine
A Missouri man today fell 220 feet from a cliff trail that, despite his GPS reading, ended abruptly.
With the exception of a few bruises the injured hiker, identified as Syd Fahrt, 46, was pronounced satisfactory, cheated and released from Mao Clinic this afternoon.
Companions told The Horseshoe that Fahrt, a resident of Farmington, was maneuvering behind an extensive aspen grove and became disoriented when the trail petered out.
Although he was warned to be careful in the undergrowth he insisted that the trail had to be there because it was clearly shown on his hand-held chaperone.
“He just kept walking, looking down at his phone, then fell over the side,” said one fellow hiker. “Here one minute – gone the next. He got very angry that two plus two no longer equaled four. He lost his cell during the fall. He’s lucky to be alive.”
Hikers are reminded that in the forest certain gadgets may not be as effective as they are on main street. Local authorities suggest using natural instincts and opening one’s eyes to the glories of the Rocky Mountain backwoods.
“Texting and hiking don’t mix,” said one ranger who reminded onlookers that the possession of a smart phone does not guarantee intelligent decisions. “Leave your crutches behind. Slap on some good shoes and bring a jug of water. Try getting in touch with the natural world again.”
Fahrt plans to sue the trailbreakers, the local rescue team, the chamber of comments, The Ute Nation, and the Uncompahgre National Forest for negligence in the matter.
-Pepper Salte
Pope explains “Rising” to herd of goats in Sicily
“So this Jewish guy ascended into heaven? Who pushed the rock out of the way? How did he get airborne?” asked the leading goat, his horns shined and his speculative goatee in full contemplation.
It was like this,” explained the Pope… “the unfortunate fellow died and they buried him in a secret cave, then the next morning somebody pushes the massive rock out of the cave entrance and he shows up again showing off wounds and then going up into the sky. A pleasant enough maiden named Mary would perform the same trick upon her death some time later. The Hundus and the have similar stories and paintings of hallowed people ascending into god knows where.
“Oh.” said the goats, agreeing that it was a nice story.
The Pope left Palermo tonight by jet boat for Morocco where he will convalesce from a relentless bout with a rare infallibility virus. He is expected to recover.
-Fred Zeppelin
“I’m only too happy to play God.” – Lucifer
Forest Service Notes
USFS defends drone use
Elite branches of the United States Forest Service will be employing un-manned drones to control negative and anti-social behavior in the woods this summer. Targets will include troublesome bear, aggressive lions, mean campers, litterbugs, pot smokers (It’s federal land, bub) and squatters. The maneuvers, which will begin in July, could save the agency thousands of dollars in man hours and record keeping costs.
Persons wishing to give input on this deviation from the norm should attend a public meeting slated for Tuesday at the Maybell Town Hall in Moffat County unless the wind is blowing. Maybell has the distinction of recording the coldest ever temperature in the state of Colorado (-61 below zero) in 1985, which has little to do with drones.
“We are undermanned and the criminal element is everywhere,” said a USFS spokesperson, “and it ain’t even hunting season yet.”
Colorado Moves to Privatize Beaches
A plan to privatize a majority of state beaches in Colorado has generated little reaction due in part to the state’s limited shoreline. Of the 3500 residents polled more than 90% say that the issue does not deserve attention compared to serious issues such as gay marriage, legal marijuana, Rockies’ relief pitching and gun control. Major shorelines found near such spots as Blue Mesa, Dillon Reservoir and Cherry Creek Reservoir will remain much the same as far as access and regulations.
“They will just be private rather than public which opens the door for drilling and development,” said a state source.
“This is the first step in rescinding all former water agreements with other states such as Nevada, Arizona and California,” said adjudication experts on the scene. “As global warming continues to worsen we have to focus on reserving our water, as well as our beaches.”
Cannabis Float Trips Targeted by Feds
If you’re taking one of the many Cannabis Float Trips offered in Colorado this summer beware of attacks by federal gangs aimed at ruining your afternoon. Thanks to a decree by the Obama Administration all waterways, rivers, lakes and canals are now under direct federal supervision and activities on or near these “tributaries of national security” are subject to United States law. Enlisted and culled by elements of Homeland Security, the patrolling thugs are unpaid but make a hefty profit on boats and personal belongings of rafters which are confiscated according to zero tolerance legislation enacted late last night after the bars closed. Rivers that are most likely to be affected are the Yampa, the Colorado, the Gunnison and the Uncompahgre.
– Rocky Flats
Coors Field Security on Alert After Continuing Dinger Attacks
(Dember) Some fans say the man who allegedly attacked Rockies’ mascot Dinger back in April was back in his seat Friday leading to concerns about audience safety and adult self-control on Blake Street.
Mounting attacks have taken the conflicts to a second level forcing authorities to beef up patrols around men’s rooms, souvenir stands and hot dog dispensaries.
Dinger, victim or provocateur?
“These are places that Dinger has been physically abused by Rockies fans, angry and frustrated with the basement in the NL West,” said popular commentator colored guy Waite Wilbourg. “The fans would like to take revenge on the current ownership that they insist does little to improve the disappointing and embarrassing performance of the pitching staff.”
When asked if in fact the pitching staff problems are a direct result of injuries sustained at the start of the season Wilbourg’s eyes rolled back and he began chanting “Arenado…Story…Arenado….Story”.
At present there have been over 80 attacks on Dinger. That compares to 3 during the same time period on Avalanche mascot “Bernie”, while Edson, a symbol of the Colorado Rapids has suffered “only a scrape or two’ from unruly fans.
The Nuggets, due in part to a successful campaign this season, have had no incidents involving negative response to Rocky. Similarly, over in Bronco Country no one has had the cahones to mess with Miles the Horse.
Management has attempted to downplay the violence intimating that the supposed attacks were more like tackles and were the work on a lone wolf (left-handed) perpetrator who is expected to be start for Albuquerque on Monday.
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