All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Forest Service Notes

USFS defends drone use

     Elite branches of the United States Forest Service will be employing un-manned drones to control negative and anti-social behavior in the woods this summer. Targets will include troublesome bear, aggressive lions, mean campers, litterbugs, pot smokers (It’s federal land, bub) and squatters. The maneuvers, which will begin in July, could save the agency thousands of dollars in man hours and record keeping costs.

     Persons wishing to give input on this deviation from the norm should attend a public meeting slated for Tuesday at the Maybell Town Hall in Moffat County unless the wind is blowing. Maybell has the distinction of recording the coldest ever temperature in the state of Colorado (-61 below zero) in 1985, which has little to do with drones.

     “We are undermanned and the criminal element is everywhere,” said a USFS spokesperson, “and it ain’t even hunting season yet.”

Colorado Moves to Privatize Beaches

     A plan to privatize a majority of state beaches in Colorado has generated little reaction due in part to the state’s limited shoreline. Of the 3500 residents polled more than 90% say that the issue does not deserve attention compared to serious issues such as gay marriage, legal marijuana, Rockies’ relief pitching and gun control. Major shorelines found near such spots as Blue Mesa, Dillon Reservoir and Cherry Creek Reservoir will remain much the same as far as access and regulations.

     “They will just be private rather than public which opens the door for drilling and development,” said a state source.

     “This is the first step in rescinding all former water agreements with other states such as Nevada, Arizona and California,” said adjudication experts on the scene. “As global warming continues to worsen we have to focus on reserving our water, as well as our beaches.”

Cannabis Float Trips Targeted by Feds

     If you’re taking one of the many Cannabis Float Trips offered in Colorado this summer beware of attacks by federal gangs aimed at ruining your afternoon. Thanks to a decree by the Obama Administration all waterways, rivers, lakes and canals are now under direct federal supervision and activities on or near these “tributaries of national security” are subject to United States law. Enlisted and culled by elements of Homeland Security, the patrolling thugs are unpaid but make a hefty profit on boats and personal belongings of rafters which are confiscated according to zero tolerance legislation enacted late last night after the bars closed. Rivers that are most likely to be affected are the Yampa, the Colorado, the Gunnison and the Uncompahgre.

– Rocky Flats

Some primates have evolved while others have not

Coors Field Security on Alert After Continuing Dinger Attacks

(Dember) Some fans say the man who allegedly attacked Rockies’ mascot Dinger back in April  was back in his seat Friday leading to concerns about audience safety and adult self-control on Blake Street.

Mounting attacks have taken the conflicts to a second level forcing authorities to beef up patrols around men’s rooms, souvenir stands and hot dog dispensaries.

“These are places that Dinger has been physically abused by Rockies fans, angry and frustrated with the basement in the NL West,” said popular commentator colored guy Waite Wilbourg. “The fans would like to take revenge on the current ownership that they insist does little to improve the disappointing and embarrassing performance of the pitching staff.”

When asked if in fact the pitching staff problems are a direct result of injuries sustained at the start of the season Wilbourg’s  eyes rolled back and he began chanting “Arenado…Story…Arenado….Story”.

At present there have been over 80 attacks on Dinger. That compares to 3 during the same time period on Avalanche mascot “Bernie”, while Edson, a symbol of the Colorado Rapids has suffered “only a scrape or two’ from unruly fans. 

The Nuggets, due in part to a successful campaign this season,  have had no incidents involving negative response to Rocky. Similarly, over in Bronco Country no one has had the cahones to mess with Miles the Horse.

Management has attempted to downplay the violence intimating that the supposed attacks were more like tackles and were the work on a lone wolf (left-handed) perpetrator who is expected to be start for Albuquerque on Monday.

Learn to speak Canadian like a native. Weekly Classes now forming

Monkeys Evolving at Alarming Pace

(Washington) Simians, constituting a clear majority in the primate classification, will soon overtake humans so far as population and range of influence it was disclosed today.

Not only, according to a bevy of celebrity monkey watchers, will the primates (Cercopithecidae) become the dominant sub-group in the international pecking order but they will overtake human intelligentia by 2075.

“The simiiformes have made tremendous, albeit subtle, advances over the past decade especially in the highly contested fields of science and engineering,” said Dr. Carl LaFongue, of the Bilateral Institute here. “And they are just getting started.”

Never before has a phenomenon like this grabbed the attention of the world. As we all watched, the price of bananas has skyrocketed as has designated tree space.

“Monkeys have quickly filled the void left by cousin humans clearly more interested in technology than what is natural,” continued LaFongue. “It’s a frightening shade of the Neanderthal.”

 “Yes, we have no bananas. Homo Sapiens has forgotten about all those wooden souls out there in the forests and jungles,” continued LaFongue, who prefers avocados to bananas. 

Critics of the studies have been harsh.

“You wanna be the top dog, heh monkey? Fine. You run the place.” 

Creative landscaping boulders. You haul. Some as large as meteors maybe. Blue Creek Canyon Demolition and Recovery, Sapinero.

Your dog knows you’re stoned

(Crested Butte) Extensive studies conducted by higher-ups in the humane society have concluded that dogs, especially one’s own, are quite well aware when humans are high on cannabis. The 4-year study, which ended in the classic man-bites-dog syndrome, is expected to change nothing.

“If my dog thinks I’m stoned he will try to get me to feed him sweets and take him the park more often, thinking I cannot manage my time. He tries it whenever he smells marijuana,” laughed one member of the study group. “There have been days that I have taken him for walks five and six times.” 

“He has that keen sense of smell and the perceptive ability to read one’s level of tranquility.”

– Rufus Maxwell

How the Grinch Stole My Eagle

That Bogey man

That Bogey man

I do not like

that Bogey man.

Do you like doglegs

and sand?

I do not like them

Bogey man.

I do not like dog legs 

and sand.

Would you like a shank 

or slice?

Hit a tree

and pay the price?

I would not like a shank 

or slice.

Hitting trees is not so nice.

I would not like them here or there

I would not like them anywhere

I would do not want a Mulligan

I would not need one, Bogey man.

Would you like them

in the rough

Would you like them

like a duff?

I do not like time in the rough

I do not like that kind of  stuff

I want the ball to hit the green

I do not like the 3-putt scene 

Would you putt it

with a wedge

Would you drive it

through a hedge?

I would not putt it with a wedge

I would not drive it through a hedge

I do not like the fairway span

I do not like you Bogey Man.

Would you, could your 

short game lie

Would you leave a shot 

pin high?

I would not hook

a short game lie

I would not leave a shot 

pin high

I do not like your golfer scam

I do not like you Bogey Man

Would you like a bogey score?

Could you drive then just say “Fore!” 

Would you land a back swing 

chip

Would you like your chicken stick?

I do not want a back swing chip

I do not need a chicken stick.

Would you play out in the rain?

Could you drive without disdain?

I will not play out in the rain

Bogey Man you’re such a pain.

I do not like this Bogey score

I got a par on number four

A birdie would be so much fun

or better yet a hole in one.

                             – Kevin Haley