All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Monkeys Evolving at Alarming Pace

(Washington) Simians, constituting a clear majority in the primate classification, will soon overtake humans so far as population and range of influence it was disclosed today.

Not only, according to a bevy of celebrity monkey watchers, will the primates (Cercopithecidae) become the dominant sub-group in the international pecking order but they will overtake human intelligentia by 2075.

“The simiiformes have made tremendous, albeit subtle, advances over the past decade especially in the highly contested fields of science and engineering,” said Dr. Carl LaFongue, of the Bilateral Institute here. “And they are just getting started.”

Never before has a phenomenon like this grabbed the attention of the world. As we all watched, the price of bananas has skyrocketed as has designated tree space.

“Monkeys have quickly filled the void left by cousin humans clearly more interested in technology than what is natural,” continued LaFongue. “It’s a frightening shade of the Neanderthal.”

 “Yes, we have no bananas. Homo Sapiens has forgotten about all those wooden souls out there in the forests and jungles,” continued LaFongue, who prefers avocados to bananas. 

Critics of the studies have been harsh.

“You wanna be the top dog, heh monkey? Fine. You run the place.” 

Creative landscaping boulders. You haul. Some as large as meteors maybe. Blue Creek Canyon Demolition and Recovery, Sapinero.

Your dog knows you’re stoned

(Crested Butte) Extensive studies conducted by higher-ups in the humane society have concluded that dogs, especially one’s own, are quite well aware when humans are high on cannabis. The 4-year study, which ended in the classic man-bites-dog syndrome, is expected to change nothing.

“If my dog thinks I’m stoned he will try to get me to feed him sweets and take him the park more often, thinking I cannot manage my time. He tries it whenever he smells marijuana,” laughed one member of the study group. “There have been days that I have taken him for walks five and six times.” 

“He has that keen sense of smell and the perceptive ability to read one’s level of tranquility.”

– Rufus Maxwell

How the Grinch Stole My Eagle

That Bogey man

That Bogey man

I do not like

that Bogey man.

Do you like doglegs

and sand?

I do not like them

Bogey man.

I do not like dog legs 

and sand.

Would you like a shank 

or slice?

Hit a tree

and pay the price?

I would not like a shank 

or slice.

Hitting trees is not so nice.

I would not like them here or there

I would not like them anywhere

I would do not want a Mulligan

I would not need one, Bogey man.

Would you like them

in the rough

Would you like them

like a duff?

I do not like time in the rough

I do not like that kind of  stuff

I want the ball to hit the green

I do not like the 3-putt scene 

Would you putt it

with a wedge

Would you drive it

through a hedge?

I would not putt it with a wedge

I would not drive it through a hedge

I do not like the fairway span

I do not like you Bogey Man.

Would you, could your 

short game lie

Would you leave a shot 

pin high?

I would not hook

a short game lie

I would not leave a shot 

pin high

I do not like your golfer scam

I do not like you Bogey Man

Would you like a bogey score?

Could you drive then just say “Fore!” 

Would you land a back swing 

chip

Would you like your chicken stick?

I do not want a back swing chip

I do not need a chicken stick.

Would you play out in the rain?

Could you drive without disdain?

I will not play out in the rain

Bogey Man you’re such a pain.

I do not like this Bogey score

I got a par on number four

A birdie would be so much fun

or better yet a hole in one.

                             – Kevin Haley

Personas que pasan el 12 % del día cargando dispositivos

(Torres de Omaha) Los seres humanos, obsesionados con los teléfonos celulares, las computadoras portátiles y las tabletas, están invirtiendo grandes porciones de su día en mantener las cosas cargadas. La robo-tarea ha aumentado dramáticamente con la adición de tecnología ampliada según los grupos de vigilancia.

Hay más de 550 compañías de telefonía celular solo aquí en Nebraska. Eso es treinta veces el número de ovejas y cuarenta veces mayor que el número de antílopes, la región menos que estimulante.

Además del tiempo promedio que dedican a la carga, pasan otros 4 minutos pensando en dónde cargar y otros 2,5 minutos pensando en lo que harán mientras se cargan sus dispositivos.

-Judy Sockett

Pregúntale al doctor Ed

Estimado Doctor Ed:

Estoy solo pero odio a la gente. ¿Qué tengo que hacer?

brígida

Estimada Bridget:

Consigue una planta.

Doctor Ed

DOW puts foot down on illicit chocolate moose farms

(Poughkeepsie Gulch)  “They’re f—ing endangered. Doesn’t anyone care?” asked stern lexicons in the powerful canine sphere. 

Apparently someone does. The Colorado Division of Wildlife today forcibly shut down over 45 chocolate mousse ranches and banned the practice until a formal inquest can be arranged for early in 2024.

Culinary stalwarts such as Soupcon, Palisades and Stone House have quickly complied, dropping the controversial and perishable delicacies from their chalkboards, leaving a few black marketeers peddling the wares in alleys and backstreets despite an increased presence of nutrition police and dietitians. 

The mousse has been replaced with flan or complimentary dulce de leche in most cutting edge eateries. 

Some months ago the story broke in the San Juan Horseshoe. The paper, recently in hot water with several other state agencies, called for the end of of what it called wildlife desserts. 

“Those surreptitious scribes are just trying to avert negative attention,” said one mickey mousse chef, “by reporting on such digestive developments, and now we have the humane society on our arses,” she said. 

The Horseshoe, now primarily a website, has been fined for overwatering press releases, attributing summary quotes to herd animals, systematizing the bullying of advertisers, and legitimizing trite, ignorant puns.

-Fred Zeppelin

“Lest we forget: Benito started as a journalist.”        – Luigi Atonini

Shanghai Snubs Colona in Sister City Row

(Log Hill) The much-publicized Colona Sister City squabble has turned “nasty” according to sources up to their knees in the East Sea. Apparently the city of Shanghai wants out of the arrangement.

According to watchdogs there the Asian city will no longer honor the sister city status, seeking more glitzy partners. Already insiders point out warm overtures to Manila and Darwin. Last week a Shanghai delegation reportedly visited well-heeled Geneva and went dancing in Zona Rosa in Djibouti. 

Meanwhile Colona, jilted for a more lucrative relationship, awaits promises of flowers and candy or “at least a phone call to say goodbye”.

Anyone wishing to adopt Colona as a sister city is encouraged to step up to the plate before irreparable psychological damage ensues leaving the town demoralized, shattered or at best simply unlucky in love once more.

-Fred Zeppelin