All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Some primates have evolved while others have not

Coors Field Security on Alert After Continuing Dinger Attacks

(Dember) Some fans say the man who allegedly attacked Rockies’ mascot Dinger back in April  was back in his seat Friday leading to concerns about audience safety and adult self-control on Blake Street.

Mounting attacks have taken the conflicts to a second level forcing authorities to beef up patrols around men’s rooms, souvenir stands and hot dog dispensaries.

“These are places that Dinger has been physically abused by Rockies fans, angry and frustrated with the basement in the NL West,” said popular commentator colored guy Waite Wilbourg. “The fans would like to take revenge on the current ownership that they insist does little to improve the disappointing and embarrassing performance of the pitching staff.”

When asked if in fact the pitching staff problems are a direct result of injuries sustained at the start of the season Wilbourg’s  eyes rolled back and he began chanting “Arenado…Story…Arenado….Story”.

At present there have been over 80 attacks on Dinger. That compares to 3 during the same time period on Avalanche mascot “Bernie”, while Edson, a symbol of the Colorado Rapids has suffered “only a scrape or two’ from unruly fans. 

The Nuggets, due in part to a successful campaign this season,  have had no incidents involving negative response to Rocky. Similarly, over in Bronco Country no one has had the cahones to mess with Miles the Horse.

Management has attempted to downplay the violence intimating that the supposed attacks were more like tackles and were the work on a lone wolf (left-handed) perpetrator who is expected to be start for Albuquerque on Monday.

Learn to speak Canadian like a native. Weekly Classes now forming

Monkeys Evolving at Alarming Pace

(Washington) Simians, constituting a clear majority in the primate classification, will soon overtake humans so far as population and range of influence it was disclosed today.

Not only, according to a bevy of celebrity monkey watchers, will the primates (Cercopithecidae) become the dominant sub-group in the international pecking order but they will overtake human intelligentia by 2075.

“The simiiformes have made tremendous, albeit subtle, advances over the past decade especially in the highly contested fields of science and engineering,” said Dr. Carl LaFongue, of the Bilateral Institute here. “And they are just getting started.”

Never before has a phenomenon like this grabbed the attention of the world. As we all watched, the price of bananas has skyrocketed as has designated tree space.

“Monkeys have quickly filled the void left by cousin humans clearly more interested in technology than what is natural,” continued LaFongue. “It’s a frightening shade of the Neanderthal.”

 “Yes, we have no bananas. Homo Sapiens has forgotten about all those wooden souls out there in the forests and jungles,” continued LaFongue, who prefers avocados to bananas. 

Critics of the studies have been harsh.

“You wanna be the top dog, heh monkey? Fine. You run the place.” 

Creative landscaping boulders. You haul. Some as large as meteors maybe. Blue Creek Canyon Demolition and Recovery, Sapinero.

Your dog knows you’re stoned

(Crested Butte) Extensive studies conducted by higher-ups in the humane society have concluded that dogs, especially one’s own, are quite well aware when humans are high on cannabis. The 4-year study, which ended in the classic man-bites-dog syndrome, is expected to change nothing.

“If my dog thinks I’m stoned he will try to get me to feed him sweets and take him the park more often, thinking I cannot manage my time. He tries it whenever he smells marijuana,” laughed one member of the study group. “There have been days that I have taken him for walks five and six times.” 

“He has that keen sense of smell and the perceptive ability to read one’s level of tranquility.”

– Rufus Maxwell

How the Grinch Stole My Eagle

That Bogey man

That Bogey man

I do not like

that Bogey man.

Do you like doglegs

and sand?

I do not like them

Bogey man.

I do not like dog legs 

and sand.

Would you like a shank 

or slice?

Hit a tree

and pay the price?

I would not like a shank 

or slice.

Hitting trees is not so nice.

I would not like them here or there

I would not like them anywhere

I would do not want a Mulligan

I would not need one, Bogey man.

Would you like them

in the rough

Would you like them

like a duff?

I do not like time in the rough

I do not like that kind of  stuff

I want the ball to hit the green

I do not like the 3-putt scene 

Would you putt it

with a wedge

Would you drive it

through a hedge?

I would not putt it with a wedge

I would not drive it through a hedge

I do not like the fairway span

I do not like you Bogey Man.

Would you, could your 

short game lie

Would you leave a shot 

pin high?

I would not hook

a short game lie

I would not leave a shot 

pin high

I do not like your golfer scam

I do not like you Bogey Man

Would you like a bogey score?

Could you drive then just say “Fore!” 

Would you land a back swing 

chip

Would you like your chicken stick?

I do not want a back swing chip

I do not need a chicken stick.

Would you play out in the rain?

Could you drive without disdain?

I will not play out in the rain

Bogey Man you’re such a pain.

I do not like this Bogey score

I got a par on number four

A birdie would be so much fun

or better yet a hole in one.

                             – Kevin Haley

Personas que pasan el 12 % del día cargando dispositivos

(Torres de Omaha) Los seres humanos, obsesionados con los teléfonos celulares, las computadoras portátiles y las tabletas, están invirtiendo grandes porciones de su día en mantener las cosas cargadas. La robo-tarea ha aumentado dramáticamente con la adición de tecnología ampliada según los grupos de vigilancia.

Hay más de 550 compañías de telefonía celular solo aquí en Nebraska. Eso es treinta veces el número de ovejas y cuarenta veces mayor que el número de antílopes, la región menos que estimulante.

Además del tiempo promedio que dedican a la carga, pasan otros 4 minutos pensando en dónde cargar y otros 2,5 minutos pensando en lo que harán mientras se cargan sus dispositivos.

-Judy Sockett

Pregúntale al doctor Ed

Estimado Doctor Ed:

Estoy solo pero odio a la gente. ¿Qué tengo que hacer?

brígida

Estimada Bridget:

Consigue una planta.

Doctor Ed