All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Texas losing elevation again
(Dalhart, TX — Metric Socialist Press — October , 2016)
With the return of the fortunate few to the humid flatlands, the great state of Texas is losing vertical space. As seasonal residents and tourists, who only months prior sought to escape the blazing heat, slowly trickle back home the Lone Star State is seeing its lowest altitude levels since mid-May.
The laws of physics quickly come into play with these drastic population shifts or when a lot of dead weight is absent for any length of time. This additional load obviously dictates distance from the ground as well as from the heavens. Adversely, horizontal increases are almost undetectable while the earth absorbs the extra mass, growing more and more substantial as the general population embraces obesity.
“Our planet is the constant gardener, paying close attention and adjusting for its parasitic population,” said Efram Pennywhistle of the Dalhart Observatory. “These minimal statistics may not mean much over a year or so but after hundreds of years the land shows the wear. Elevation shifts are not particularly beneficial to anyone and can cause faults, cirques, seismic anxiety and even volcanic activity.”
While Texas has no known volcanoes there are innumerable examples of soil and surface abuse all over the state. Rivers may look the same but they are not. Lakes will overflow their banks, but just a bit. Livestock fine-tunes footing, house trailers sink, oilrigs modify, traffic patterns are distorted. People may notice their cars parked at a different angle than the night before.
The distinction does not affect pine beetles, roaches or wharf rats, destructive species that, unlike the government, have their own checks and balances firmly in place.
The vertical void is expected to remain until about May 15 when the stress of the population is decreased due to movement to the mountains and industrial summer escapes.
“The utter weight of ATVs, boats RVs methodically hauled up to the Rockies has an impact on those piles of rock too, but it is not anywhere near as dangerous as the sinking motion that we see in the lower regions. We don’t know how our measuring stick would react if they just came up here themselves without all the motorized accessories.”
Rocks prove to be tough when it comes to accommodating the cyclic burden and the geophysics in play are far more stable even though the mountains are constantly shedding pieces of themselves.
“While it is common knowledge that if Colorado could be flattened out it would be far larger than Texas,” laughed Pennywhistle. “At this time no one has the technology to iron the place and if someone did they would probably face a slew of bureaucratic environmental restrictions.”
Politicians in Texas continue to deny the existence of elevation change while other groups pray that the end of the world is still some months off, or maybe not until next summer.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.”
– Mark Twain
CAMPUS KIOSK
with Rex Montaleone –
(Gunnison, CO October 20, 2016)
FCEOA Pushes For Ethics Major
The local chapter of Future CEOs of America has petitioned Western State College to include an ethics major in its 2017 curriculum. The course of study, which would fall under the awning of the business department, would be specifically aimed at churning out honest graduates, with strong moral fiber and a sense of right and wrong.
“We feel that a student who is exposed to honor will respond,” said one proponent of the study. More and more corporate interests are beginning to the advantage to doing business on the up and up. Just look at all the corporations that have become environmentally conscious. The days of smoke and pollution are limited, especially since we sent all of our manufacturing out of the country.”
A decision on the matter is expected as early as Tuesday when state regents and faculty advisors return from a trip to Alamosa where they have been trying to squeeze operating funds out of Adams State College for lawn maintenance here at Western.
Missing Class Met with Cane
Students who miss class this fall could be caned, not canned as previously reported. According to Dean of Discipline, Margot Rotweiller, any student who misses class will be denied Taco Bell privileges, weekend passes and access to athletic events. In addition punch cards for use on the high-speed quad train will be revoked. Continued abuse will result in painful caning “out there on a cold day in front of Taylor Hall.”
“We have no intention of canning (expelling) any student,” said Rotweiller, considering all the trouble we went through to get them to come here in the first place. The Horseshoe paper should proofread it’s stories before publication. Maybe a few whacks in the right direction might get some attention over there as well.”
Rotweiller went on to explain that it is college policy to see that all students, especially freshmen, attend all scheduled classes. She admitted that mandatory laps and standing in the corner had little or no effect on such feckless behavior last semester.
“We consider consciousness to be an integral part of the college experience,” she snapped, “and snoozing will not be tolerated either.”
At present most professors do take roll call and are quite proficient at hurling erasers at the disruptive and kicking the desk legs of dreaming offenders.
Cell phones added to list of banned items
Cell phones, chewing gum, and Catcher in the Rye head the list of items banned on campus this autumn. Joining such longheld taboos on such accessories as grenade launchers and neon signs, the new additions have created quite a controversy.
The annoying phones were prohibited in a unanimous vote by the Academic Interdiction Board last week sending students into a tailspin. Although the phones are forbidden on campus they are quite legal anywhere else in down. Already several cell phone labs have sprouted up where students are offered internet access, faxing and seedy, underground cell phone lounges.
Chewing gum, a culprit since grade school, was added to the banned list when maintenance personnel demanded overtime pay back in May. Chewing tobacco or the cud was not affected at press time.
It comes as no surprise to anyone that the controversial novel Catcher in the Rye is also on the no-no list. Conservative religious groups and right-wing interests reportedly fear the book because they don’t understand it. They say the main character, Holden Caufield, is too close to reality and does not provide a good example to students. They suggest a tumble with a classic sociopath like Sebastion Dangerfield in The Gingerman instead.
In closing, there is some good news as reported by the American Civil Liberties Union: The much hated Student Helmet Law has been rescinded and replaced in part with the far less stringent Hip Boots Law, which promises to be quite a boon in such departments as political science and sociology
History Department Refutes Origin of Cheeseburger
The Western State history department has formally disproved once accepted theories on the origin of the cheeseburger, not of Manifest Destiny as was reported by this newspaper. The academians did not undress controversies related to catsup, mustard or dill pickles as far as we know. It was not clear if the committee would comment on philosophies of national expansion or on rumors that the presence of molybdenum is connected to the high rate of gout in the region.
Lunar Pedal-heads Convene
Engineers from top mountain bike companies were in Gunnison Tuesday concluding trial runs and related experiments on new lunar models. Choosing the area east of Blue Mesa Reservoir was easy, according to one test driver since the terrain looks so much like the moon. Although problems with gravity still exist, leading manufacturers will begin marketing the tough 30-gear Crater-Hoppers on the shores of the Sea of Tranquillity as early as the next crescent earth.
“In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from.”
– Peter Ustinov
Most Hermits Not Registered to Vote
(Powderhorn — You Can’t Find me Now Go Away Gazette — October 17, 2016)
The majority of hermits in this well-healed cowboy town remain unregistered to vote despite repeated visits by nosey people who believe in the electoral system.
Several of the hermits interviewed exhibited far-reaching knowledge on American political circus while others thought Dwight Eisenhower was still in the White House “somewhere high in the mountains over the rainbow and down by the deep blue sea.”
“These are men and women engaged in a spartan, almost monastic existence where they continue to practice a brand of sagebrush anarchy that has thrived here since the 1800s. It’s ascetic in one sense and austere in another,” said a neighbor lady who often brings them cookies and milk before bed.
“If these malcontents don’t vote, we don’t want to hear them bitchin’ in January,” said a longtime rancher and sometimes delegate to one convention or another. “It’s one thing to hide out and another to complain about it.”
Pollsters suggest that if all of the hermits in the United States voted we might elect a recluse as President for the first time since Millard Fillmore.
– Alfalfa Romero
“Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws.” – Karl Kraus
Horseshoe Endorses Canine for Animal Control Spot
(Colona, CO — Endorsement Papers Release — October 16, 2016)
An innate ability to locate renegade pets and get them off the streets swiftly and methodically is the whole ball of wax with fellow mongrel Ruff Paws, our choice for county dogcatcher in 2016.
This season’s Fur Party candidate blends the instincts and savvy of a classic insider. A keen sense of smell and remarkable knowledge of his prey sets Ruff apart from the competition. His on-the-job performance since 2008 qualifies him for the executive spot.
“The other dog catcher wanna-bees don’t bring this kind of resume to the table and many still climb on the furniture and run off when not tethered,” said one supporter who adds that she’ll vote for Paws hands down over the others.
“It’s almost like he’s one of them mystics, you know a seer…somebody that reads minds and can see through clothes,” said a woman who gave her name as Abbey, a professional dog walker over in Pinkeyville. “He’s inside their heads. He’s surrounded them.”
Whether he’s sniffing bushes or looking for the major bone we are assured that Ruff Paws will run a tight ship when it comes to four-legged delinquents. He’s tail wagging right for the position and we urge you to support this experienced trooper, this loyal servant. Vote Paws for Dog Catcher in November!
– Rufus Maxwell
Link Hedges on Political Endorsements
(Pomona, CO — Genetics For Life — Sept 2016)
In a rare departure from departures, The Missing Link today declined to endorse any politician for office in November. Evading reporters while dodging a troop of police officers intent on his capture, the swaggering Link continually defied gravity and the laws of space and time.
Redefining the playing surface, the Missing Link, a master of multi-tasking, showed both innovation and good taste in his spurious action. His curious fan base, waiting patiently outside for a glimpse of their hero, endorsed the decision chanting Free the Link and the disconcerting Link, Link, Link…
“He exhibited a masterfully conceived plan of noncommittal avoidance peppered with mumbled double-talk, steering clear of attempts to fence him in on the subject the coming elections.,” said a supporter who had hoped for something more solid from the Link. “Many of us had hoped for a conclusive announcement on his current leanings and even the declaration of his candidacy.”
As he shirked, skirted and side-stepped the issues the Grand Equivocator remained one step ahead of the law. He is wanted in three states for questioning about rogue metaphysics and the origin of the species. After the encounter the Link jumped a 20-foot security fence, slid rat-like under a tight-lipped glass door for and gracefully slithered into a civic fountain where he then vanished.
Police are stepping up operations and beefing up their presence around Pamona Aviary where informants say he is taking flying lessons.
