All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
OBAMA GETS LAST LAUGH
With his days in office dwindling, President Barack Obama hosted a rare press conference this morning “to put things in perspective.”
In a jousting mood, the Chief Executive told reporters that he got a good laugh when senselessly attacked by dumb throwbacks in the House of Representatives who accused him of being an alien and the anti-Christ.
“It’s partially true…I have no U.S. birth certificate because I was not born here nor have I ever even bothered to become a citizen of this country. However I have been the President of your country for the past eight years. Who has been caught with his pants down here?”
Obama stressed that he had not seized any guns, appointed any Black Supreme Court justices or started any new wars since ascending to the Presidency. He admitted that he had successfully pulled the wool over the eyes of the voters:
“I am a Communist Muslim Anarchist Maoist and member in good standing of the Black Panther Party,” said the President. “There…now are you happy?”
In a related development the Obama family will paint the White House over the holidays prior to vacating the premises. Insiders say the family is leaning toward a mauve/chocolate with rainbow trim. An administration spokesperson was quick to add that nothing in a final color scheme had been decided.
Rumor # 611: Obama will not surrender the Presidency. Instead he is creating a radical urban dictatorship based on jazz and basketball. Plans for a system of liberal, solar re-education camps for throwbacks – in Kenya – is already in the works. We all know he has been speaking to school children in quasi-commie code: Manx sounds like Marx to me. Finally, his administration is planning a commie coup but waiting until his last full week in office to put the plan into action. The coup is supported by Vladimir Putin, Miles Davis and the Hong Kong Five, with Dennis Rodman starring as the ghost of Imelda Marcos..
HUNTERS TAKE 7,000-POUND ELK
(California Mesa Bigger is Best News November 25, 2016)
Texas hunters today nailed what is probably the largest bull elk ever seen around these parts. Weighing in at just over 7,000 pounds the wapiti charged right into the record books outpacing all former competitors. His status as deceased will not create a negative impact on the accolade.
Biologists circulating the region suggest that the giant elk may have wandered over the plateau from the Twin Cities (Nucla and Naturita) after feasting on tailings from uranium days.
“Sometimes exposure to radium has adverse effects on wildlife, as well as humans, said one biologist. “Those boys (the hunters) won’t be hungry for a long time.”
It was later learned that the hunters would keep the trophy rack and donate the meat to a local cafe.
“Tis an old maxim in the schools, that flattery’s the food of fools. Yet now and then your men of wit, will condescend and take a bit.”
– Jonathan Swift in Cadenus and Vanessa
Putin to Join FOX News Team
(Moscow — Red Square Follies — November 16, 2016)
Russians from the Urals to the Black Sea awoke to the shocking news that their former KGB strongman president had bailed, joining the political desk at Fox News. Sources close to Putin expressed similar distress at the development saying they had no indication the former propaganda specialist was planning too become a talking head in the United States.
“Vladimir Putin has resigned his position in the Russian Federation and will link up with Fox as early as next week.” said a curt press release from the network. “He will spend the first three months under the wing of our professionals then be expected to make up his own news accounts, leaning heavy on the fictitious content that made him “a force to be reckoned with” in the former Soviet state. He is looking forward to working with the beautiful, albeit mindless, female broadcasters.”
It was not clear whether the mutual admiration, shared between Putin and Donald Trump, has any impact on the decision . Putin has no previous experience as a television news personality. A sworn adversary of the Obama-Clinton Bandwagon, Putin should fit in nicely with the rogue’s gallery that does not let truth or polite restraint define the news. A reception is planned at New York’s Coney Island, where the former Russian big shot’s brother has a restaurant.
After that Putin will reportedly go shopping for new ties and an apartment to call his own.
– Clyde of Colona
Apple Acquires Husqvarna
NOW YOU CAN WATCH THE BRONCOS
ON YOUR WEED EATER OR CHAINSAW
(Google Gulch) Apple Corporation today purchased Husqvarna Professional Products Inc for an undisclosed sum. In a flurry of trading the market’s uppity flow calmed down and the news was digested by closing time, underlining fears of a mass takeover of every aspect of human life by entertainment and data concerns.
The motor company makes chainsaws, motorcycles, snow blowers, lawn mowers, simmers and more. It is not known if Apple will continue to manufacture these and related items but it is surmised that it will go in the direction in 2017.
The possibilities of a major merger of computers and weed eaters is beyond comprehension and somewhat frightening to the thinking man or woman.
“I can’t wait to watch the Broncos or Nascar on my lawn mower,” said one broker. “This particular takeover is weird all right but it is the We have information companies that don’t produce anything buying up manufacturing entities that create tangible products.”
Apple’s second quarter earnings had been in decline as the company dismantled hundreds of robots once employed to build more computer components and clandestine hard-drive bunkers to protect the sacred formula for harvesting success from technological pirates and the gov’ment.
– Sergio Hinge
BOOOOOOO….
Othello back on stage as Un Capitano Moro? Or is it our Crested Butte friend getting ready to scare hell out of someone? Only the Shadow knows.
All Hallows Eve greetings to all.
Bears Bully Pizza Drivers
(Gunnison, CO Autumn Leaves and Back Alley Burglars October 27, 2016 )
Local black bears, zoning in on retirement, or seasonal hibernation as it is commonly known, have stepped up activities aimed at separating pizzas from pizza delivery personnel here.
Although the mobile pie pilots are in no real danger from the hungry, usually docile bruins, there is some cause for alarm since pizza production makes up over 45% of the region’s local gross national product.
The local gov’ment is particularly sensitive to the heists as well. Any bureaucrat knows full well that public loss of faith in the ability to protect its citizens is paramount to the present perception that the entity is necessary in the first place.
Bears don’t vote while many people do. That pretty well decides the priorities.
Police have stepped up patrols in areas known to be frequented by bear. A plan to deputize and arm pizza dispensers was voted down in council chambers last night after a pizza ordered by legislators arrived half eaten (box and all) and two hours late.
This week alone some 25 pizza delivery technicians have been accosted with perishable losses alone estimated at well over $300. In addition the grillwork on a brand new Land Rover (nice pizza wagon, dude) was kicked in, a few windshields broken and some tires were slashed.
“Generally the bear have no plan of attack, they just do whatever comes to mind,” said Evelyn Marmotbreath, Executive Director of Fully Extended Extension Services for Gunnison and Saguache Counties.
“Once they get a whiff of a sausage and mushroom (pizza) they have little control. A pepperoni and green pepper drives them nuts. Delivery people should at least be aware of the potential powder keg they are hauling around town.”
Marmotbreath verified that only the hungriest bear will risk it all for a cheese pizza and that most don’t like anchovies.
Fortunately most bear are loners and cooperation in crimes like this is rare. Gang activity, however, has been detected in the suburbs where bear often work together gorging themselves on stolen pizzas and selling the rest to buy drugs like honey, termites, assorted berries and boxes of Sugar Crisps.
“These are the desperate ones,” stressed the director. “Often they come from broken homes and see their gang association as a substitute for the den. Attempts to resist when confronted by this element are ridiculous, especially when one considers the wages paid within the profession.”
Many resourceful delivery people have begun carrying baskets of berries and mounds of garbage around with them so as to distract the bear and make the delivery unscathed. Although this works in many cases bear have been known to hold the pizza man hostage at arm’s length, while consuming the berries and garbage. Then, when the appetizers have been fully munched they turn to the real prize, still hot from the oven.
“People must remember that these animals mean business,” continued Marmotbreath. “Attempts to reason with them or engage in physical combat could be fatal.”
Unless the situation improves by November, when bear are particularly haywire, door-to-door food distribution may be suspended until the bruins fall asleep for the winter.
Another more risky alternative would be to hire the bear to deliver the pizzas.
“That’s absurd,” said Marmotbreath. “They cannot be trusted nor can they make change. Imagine a hungry bear taking off with four or five large pies. He’s make it to the end of the alley then sit down and quietly inhale his cargo. Besides,” she quipped, “we have enough under-employment around here to introduce animals into the work force.”
Pizza parlors finishing nearest the top in the recent Best of Gunnison voting have been hit the hardest as bear tend to prefer real pizza produced by locally owned establishments and reject the cardboard fare of chain restaurants.
“Hey, any bear that can add twenty or thirty pounds on berries can damn well tell a good pizza from a marginal one,” said Marmotbreath. “The key here is caution. We can always make more pizzas but a good employee is hard to find.”
– Susie Compost
“Nothing is so aggravating as calmness.”
– Oscar Wilde
