All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Alaska’s Renaissance Man
(Juneau, Alaska — 52 Poster Review — September 26, 2016)
Jeff Brown has been entertaining himself for decades. Fortunately he’s been entertaining the rest of us as well. But why does this seemingly normal, former Coast Guard sailor and Groucho Marx aficionado insist on hanging the hilarious posters of biting satire all along the Gastineau Channel?
No one, last of all Brown, can answer that question.
Maybe he’s a futuristic super hero or maybe he’s a lunatic but that’s no way to talk about a man that was recently recognized for lifetime achievements by the Alaskan Governor’s Awards for the Arts.
Maybe, as many fear, it is Brown’s attempt to take over the world.
“This guy has no boundaries,” said a former colleague at The Juneau What, a funny paper published here some year ago. “He redefines multi-media.”
Jeff is an accomplished musician, does public radio shows for children, creates crazy postcards, publishes Real Alaska Magazine and produces traveling magic shows. He also founded the Alaska Folk Fest and established a growing worldwide celebration of the wonderful world of balloon animals. (He is the standing balloonist laureate).
“Look! It’s him! The one in the invisible clown suit! Grab him! Catch him before he gets away!”
Impacted by such groups as Firesign Theater, Jeff sounds a lot like a guy that has just won a prestigious award. Whether he is in Juneau, Sitka or Ketchikan people know him as the man with the big imagination.
“What inspires a person to twist a balloon into a shape of a moose or take photos of someone vacuuming a glacier or run for mayor in a gorilla suit? asks writer Ed Schoenfeld in a recent piece on Brown.
You’d never hear it from Brown but let’s hear it from him anyway:
“I guess it all centers around making people happy. That’s kind of what I’ve given myself as “job in life”: to make people smile and to make their lives a little bit easier to live,” he said.
About the only thing Brown hasn’t done is sell hot dogs.
“Never sold hot dogs,” he said.
-Melvin Toole
Montrose Rancher Eats 99 Pancakes
(Montrose, CO — Pomona Peeper — September 21, 2016)
Spring Creek rancher Ed Hempleman will no doubt be skipping breakfast for a while, maybe forever. After consuming 99 pancakes, or flapjacks as he calls them, in just three hours, he has the right. The saga began at Red’s Gravy Heaven on North Townsend when Hempleman and a few buddies began bragging about their appetites.
“Once I ate a steer in one sitting,” said one liar. “Then I had desert!”
“One September I ate a field full of potatoes,” snapped another.
“That ain’t nuthin’ howled a third. “My daddy ate up all the rainbow in the river from Gunnison to Delta, then took mom out for sushi.”
Arrogance led to challenges and soon a pancake-eating contest was set for the next morning. (Pancakes being easier to count than steaks and trout.) The match drew 13 participants eyeballing the $500 prize put up by Aunt Jemima Orchards of California Mesa.
The rules were simple: Every contestant would eat in 15 pancake increments and would be given a five-minute break between plates. Whoever ate the most pancakes from 8 – 11 would be declared the winner. If the competition ends in a tie there will be no sudden death overtime.
We pick up the play-by-play live from Red’s: lined up in a trance behind their designated stacks, they looked like plumped birds on a wire, dangling from plate to plate until just Hemp leman and 77-year-old Harvey Birdseed of Pea Green were the last pan-cakers standing. Then, like the egg scene from Cool Hand Luke, Hempleman began stuffing pancake after pancake into his gobbler, leaving Birdseed in his battered wake…
Already jerky eating, potato eating and pie eating contests are slated for the county fair. Proceeds from the event were not announced. Organizers say that the leftover 1000 pancakes would be donated to fill all of the chuckholes between Cahone to Gypsym.
“These people are gifted athletes,” cried one microphone man. “The public just doesn’t know.”
– Small Mouth Bess
“Never trust a man who agrees with you. He’s probably wrong.” – traditional cowboy saying
GPS system developed for better sex
(Mañana, CO— Better Halls & Bedrooms —September 19, 2016)
The new blue tooth, preloaded global positioning system looks to be the most innovative sexual breakthrough since the birth control pill arrived on the scene in the Sixties. No more getting lost. No more searching for your destination in the dark.
It’s the romance map for joyful love making – Just light the candles. chill the champagne, fluff the pillows and let your love light shine. You can even turn on your smart phone for continual suggestions and creative positions “on the road”. The GPS covers navigational moves in bed, lane assist and turn-by-turn pre-coital recommendations.
The most popular of the GPS gizmos, Naughty Routes, actually goes all the way, cutting down on getting lost or disoriented, even in rush hour traffic. If one loses his place in bed he can simply look up at the handy accessory screen for audio visual examples.
No more unresolved sexual energy. No more sexual wilderness. No more confusion as to high road or low. It’s all there in a handy, compact, concise presentation backed up by the highest technology known to man or woman. Suction cups, voice activated/drop-down units, are provided for the kinky on the more spendy systems.
Commands carry with them such crisp innuendo as Take Me Home, Drive Me To…, and Open the Champagne! Voice recognition allows participants some sense of security while coded mounting discourages identity theft on most models.
Negative side affects include the speeding of stupidity and the inability to apply logic, chronic blockage of brain waves, and the desire to make wooly sheep sounds.
The cost of the Lover’s GPS Series Operator’s Aid runs between $100 and $500 depending on a slew of accessories and power adaptors. Now you can enjoy pharmaceutical drugs, text and talk on your phone till you puke, never worrying about where you are at a particular time or junction. Turn left in 2.1 miles…Your destination is on the right.
Grandson is literary critic!
Initial response by month old Declan Martin Haley after reading his first San Juan Horseshoe penned by his grandfather. Baby literary critics, although often valid, should keep their opinions to themselves until at least kindergarden. (Kyle Haley photo)
Warning to visitors:
We don’t know how many times people are hit by falling trees in these mountains every summer: AVOID THE RISK OF FALLING TREES!
Fracking releases dangerous levels of THC
(Nebraska, OK — Baa Baa White Sheep — Sept 10, 2016)
Fracking for oil in this region threatens to upset fragile and ancient Tetrahydrocannabinol beds existing symbiotically with local oil shale. The “contaminated” layers of herbal plant life stretch for thousands of square miles below the surface of the earth. Despite the popularity of fracking, particular among mentally challenged, this potential release of THC has people around here scared to death.
The volatile THC beds have existed under Nebraska and Oklahoma as well as parts of Kansas, Wyoming and Utah for centuries. For decades many elected leaders have been aware of this rare, potentially explosive geological formation. Most prefer not to talk about it, leaving the condition buried under mounds of soil and minerals employed to build infrastructure, insulate lifestyles and grow crops without incident.
Extractions of cannabis have been used since BC by a host of progressive cultures for an assortment of maladies. Fracking was invented only recently to prop up the days-are-numbered, destructive fossil fuel culture which makes men rich at the expense of other men and Mother Earth.
“Whatever the corporate pirates are telling us is bullshit,” according to the North Dakota Journal of Medicine. “They convince the unlearned that everything is safe and that they will make money too if they simply turn their heads, go along and don’t make a fuss.
“All the THC in the sky and on earth is less harmful than the cancer producing remnants of this dangerous exploration procedure,” said Orem Schneller, spokesman for Legal Pot, a consumer education council with offices at border crossings into the Red State of Things. “Americans as usual are concerned about the wrong things. They are told marijuana is bad and tracking is harmless. Both are lies.”
Persons are risk include the righteous, the hateful and frightened. They ain’t coming for your guns fool. But they be com in’ for your Social Security! Americans need to wake up and dissolve sitting Congress.
Meanwhile politicians and clergy continue to warn constituencies as to the inherent dangers of smoking pot, as well as thinking for themselves.
With the THC deposits are buried the mummies of pagans, demons and probably witches according to spiritual and civic bosses here. At present no one has ventured a guess as to the complications that may arise from this clash of these two parallel, yet distinct ant hills.
Persons afraid of marijuana should not smoke it. Persons living in fracking areas should not think, breath or drink anything not fermented for at least 16 – 20 hours after minimal exposure to shifting sands.*
Despite these warnings Corporpot, Puff-Mart, THC Bell and McReefer’s are expected to begin packaging and selling cannabis by spring. A full fledged public relations campaign is in the works to convince people pot (like tobacco and alcohol) is safe. The move has been accelerated of late, especially in light of the recent non-aggression pact signed by AMA -NRA.
for more please see Bong Voyage Losers on Fractured Opinion
*If this faint and embalmed description of frightened humans includes you or a family member please send hair and saliva sample to Tar Sands Medical Unit #611, Myopic Plaza West, Suite 6, Border-of-Virtue, ND.
