All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
ELECTION LEAGUE SAYS NO TO CROWD SEEDING
The United States Election Monitoring and Assistance Committee today banned crowd seeding as “a perverse and cowardly act” intended to portray racial and gender harmony “within a system run by wealthy old white men.” According to a statement read this morning the dubious placement of paid plants from racial and economic groups behind a speaker candidate to imply a wide-range of support when there is little, constitutes fraud and should be punished by penal servitude followed by lifelong banishment. (Photo by Stephen Miller)
Is Putin Jealous of Trump’s Hair?
(Moscow) Opponents of Vladimir Putin say the Russian demigod has a host of obsessive disorders noting that a newly surfaced malady is focused on Donald Trump’s hair.
Vlad Envy (Hooy morzhovy in Muscovite slang) a severe mania hair and fur fetish, has been entrenched in Russian culture since the days of Vladimir I. Due in part to the cold weather and access to large beasts the importance of hair has emerged in both literature and cuisine to which anyone who has ever read Dostoevsky’s The Idiot or been force-fed leftover borscht can attest.
For years the Russian people have been led to believe that the US President is wearing a toupee or some sort of wig. Now it all appears to have been a cover-up and attempt to distract from the level of jealousy that has now been exposed on the international stage.
“Just look at the two of them together and the expression on Putin’s face when Trump combs or brushes back his long orange hair,” said Fyodor Toolstoy, a Putin critic who has not been seen since the story broke Tuesday.
“A state of jealousy exists between our two countries, both with nuclear arsenals and the ability to deliver weapons of mass destruction,” said a Bolshevik Weekend, a party organ that spotlights fashion and hygiene and generally refrains from sojourns into the political arena.
“If this fixation is true why doesn’t Putin just go out and buy a wig,” said Nikolai Sonovavitch, a former St. Petersburg councilman. “With all his shady investments bankrolled by the people he certainly has the money. He could choose between red and red…anything but orange.”
Sonovavitch was noticeably absent from his daily devotional Mass this morning at Saint Okroshka Cathedral. Friends and family have asked for assistance in determining his present status and location.
Meanwhile Russian political analysts contend that this hair thing was cooked up by the CIA to embarrass Putin who, as most know, could not afford a haircut as a child.
“He has been quite transparent of late on matters concerning civility and etiquette,” said a popular talk show host on Radio Razvaluha, a pro-Putin station. “He has his own hair and most importantly a head to go with it.”
-Anastasia Sebastopol
Kushner to play self in classic teen movie
(Follywood) White House executive sycophant, celebrated real estate tycoon and son-in-law to Donald Trump, Jared Kushner, will star in a new film called “Greedy Little Shits”
In what insiders called a lucrative contract, Kushner, who has plenty of acting experience as a successful Mideast negotiator and thanks to his current role as pandemic mainstay, will play himself in a desperate remake of Beach Blanket Bingo with snatched scenes from Taxi Driver and The Shining.
Jared Kushner has signed on to play The Evil Twit in Greedy Little Shits, a soon-to-be-released teen rage film.
It was not clear if supporting roles would be offered to other members of the Trump family, co-producers of the film. Ivanka has reportedly auditioned for the part of Muffy, a dingy lifeguard who hates sand but is in love with herself while Donald Junior is a lock to play a crooked hot dog vender according to Mike Pence, executive director of the picture.
“We would like to use other idle members of the family to play pivotal roles addressing such issues as gun rights, racial harmony, religious freedom and world diplomacy,” said Pence. “We were looking for a teenager to play the lead but Jared is both immature and downright mean, two valuable assets we cannot do without during these troubled times.
In a seriously unrelated statement Pence then reiterated a recent claim that neither he or President Trump was gay or communist “like all those Hollywood types”. Unreliable sources in Washington offered no comment to this assertion that Greedy Little Shits is a movie for all Americans.
“If you don’t like the production you hate America and are a terrorist,” said Pence.
Critics see the production as another attempt to placate supporters who are expected to flock to the theaters despite social isolation edicts and social distancing ordinances. Trump Has projected a box office smash. Medical experts (doctors) predict a spike in people testing positive for Corona19 Virus.
“Oh well,” said one left-leaning physician from California.
The film is based on the best-shelling book How To Profit From the Misery of Others by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
“We’ve done a lot, a lot on this,” said Trump. “Obama never made a movie. It will be a terrific thing for all patriotic Americans.”
-Kashmir Horseshoe
Trump’s caddie appointed medical envoy
Donald Trump’s favorite caddie will take over federal distribution of emergency medical equipment to US hospitals it was disclosed today. The less-than-shocking announcement came during an exclusive friends only press conference attended by right wing media and members of the immediate family.
The unnamed caddie, oddly enough a a former Shakespearean actor and born again thespian, has had no previous experience other than golf course consultation and etiquette. He is the latest in a virtual parade of clown appointees, including Jared Kushner and Mike Pence who have “graced the administration with their knowledge and poise at a time of great crisis” according to a Trump spokesman.
When contacted by mainstream media the caddie, who often kept score for Trump, had no official comment other than “keep it in the short grass” a traditional bit of advice preferring fairways to roughs. He then purportedly mumbled something resembling Fair is foul, and foul is fair: Hover through the fog and filthy air which no one in the gallery could translate and therefore ignored.
“He is thrilled with the turn of events,” said a FOX News source. “He has promised to send some 10,000 non-medical golf gloves to red states by the weekend.
In addition red states will receive state-of-the-art ventilated golf carts with GPS rangefinders according to White House aides.
The President did not undress accusations that he was playing golf despite self-quarantine restrictions placed on Florida by its Republican governor Ron DeSantis, a close Trump ally. He did however promise to open up the economy despite the warnings of a golf pro and several greens keepers with knowledge of these developments.
When asked to discredit rumors that blue states would receive only tiny golf pencils and range balls from the Eisenhower years, Trump said that chipping and putting would be the responsibility of those Democrat governors who refused to replace divots.
Then a pro-Trump reporter asked if he would now play courses common to Shakespearean bunker tragedies such as Hamlet or Julius Caesar, Trump appeared stumped. He admitted that he cannot read but that he had watched a few of the plays on television. He then added that his handicap was far below that of likely opponent Boggy Joe Biden, who he called an average putter at best.
“The British are terrific golfers,” he smiled.
– Alfalfa Romero
“LET THEM EAT HAKE.” – Lieutenant William Bligh, HMS Bounty
Incense Alleged in Royal Family
(London) Troubles continue for the royal family today as an ex-domestic servant accused leading figures within the court of using incense in public and private ceremonies at Westminster and at picnics on the Thames. Although the developments have shaken even the Tower of London, calls for a new government appear to be weeks away.
“The aroma here now is one of deceit and shame,” said one palace gardener. “We hear that most of the stuff comes from Asia. That’s not very British, is it? One only has to look at the odd shapes of the ears and the allegations appear far too true.”
Readers may recall that only last week Treasury Secretary Farthing Pro Quid Bono was arrested for embellishment, capping off a scandal poised to bring down the Johnson Government.
Petroleum Fumes Rapidly Becoming Drug of Choice
(Montrose) Second-hand petroleum fumes, inhaled during interaction with the gas pump. are quickly replacing methamphetamines as the drug of choice for the lower middle class in small towns all across the country. The easily accessible fumes, which escape in gaseous form from the pumps while a person is filling his tank, create an instantaneous high and almost immediate addiction.
“They’re fun,” said one woman interviewed while filling her tank at Scrapeway. “I’d light up a cigarette and really take a trip…but they’re illegal.”
The problem appears to be much worse in Montrose since the city has so many more gasoline stations. In Crested Butte, for instance people, with the exception of the late night bar crowd, don’t dig the fume subculture preferring to puff.
“We’ve been seeing a lot of snodgrass on the streets,” said one officer, but at least its grown locally.”
-Small Mouth Bess
Pentagon Plan Would Bomb Virus Back to the Stoned Age
(Warshinkton) Whistle blowers here tell of a not-so-secret plan to bomb the infamous Coronavirus19 into submission. The strategy, logical enough if one crunches numbers in the budgetary pie, has allegedly been discussed since February leaving munitions manufacturers beaming and citizens watching the sky.
According to Dr. Timothy “Tim” Maloney, a fellow at the Altered States Conservatory, the matter is all but wrapped in plastic and out the door. Although he doesn’t agree with the explosive solution he is not surprised.
“They will do anything to remove themselves from the proverbial hook,” he explained. “It doesn’t matter if it makes any sense. It is action at a time when action is required and people are still buying snake oil solutions. Targets, delivery systems and elected officials make strange bedfellows in times of impending disaster as well as acute inconvenience,” he chuckled.
When pressed, several high-ranking staff officers denied the accusations but did not condemn the proposals that they insisted were never brought to the table and such.
“We’re not saying we talked about bombing the virus but we’re not saying it couldn’t work,” said one general. “We currently maintain a stockpile of weapons that could destroy the planet 300 times. Surely that would be ample firepower to waste the virus, even with the acknowledged collateral damage. We could start by bombing hospitals since that’s where so many of the sick people are now residing.”
Meanwhile the White House urged Americans and some Canadians who want to be like Americans, to remain under their school desks until this whole medical disaster blows over.
As of this afternoon there has been no update on a suspected plot by Senate Republicans to bail out FOX News and guarantee bonuses for CEOs affected by the crashing stock market and the rising cost of ventilators on the black market.
Note: Voices from the ashes of the Center for Disease Control are demanding that anyone who has had contact with Trump, Pence or Kushner report to his/her nearest aluminum bingo hall/hospital to undergo what has been described as a painful exorcism ritual as soon as possible.
– Finn McCool
Unreliable sources contributed to this report
