All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Two ears, two wheels

Many US bear moving to Canada

(Sand Point, ID) The mass migration of hundreds of Lower 48 bruins to Canada could be politically motivated or simply instinctual say animal behaviorists busy observing the exodus.

“This odd self-exile began right after hibernation was over and has continued through the traditionally restful spring when the animals attempt to beef up for summer outings.,” said Dolores Alegria of the animals rights Fur and Feathers Society. “Generally these beasts drop anchor near fixed food sources and engage in familiar mating rituals in proven wilderness havens before wandering the summer mountains.

Bear habitat has been gradually diminishing here and in Montana due to development. While other species like wolves and moose have been reintroduced to the Rockies from New Mexico to Wyoming the bear population has been put on the back burner, leaving many to wonder about the future.

“They don’t have much…a few momentos, a jar of honey, faded photos, some fish bones, a favorite piece of trash,” said Alegria. Parading north, relying on skills honed in the forest the bruins avoid the border patrols and the armed militias pledging to turn them back.

– Uncle Pahgre

Other Names for The Boogie Man

(and The Boogey Woman in different cultures)

La Chula Chaqui

(ghosts in Peruvian Desert)

Would approach a lone rider at night during a blinding sandstorm and hurl him from his horse onto the barren ground where he would often trample or beat the hapless victim until first light.

El “Homem del scan”

(Child stealer of Bahia)

The sacking man or the bag man takes disobedient children along to live with bands of madmen. Known in Brasil, Portugal, Angola, Cape Verde, and Mozambique. He or she creeps through open windows at night and lives in damp basements, embracing the light of day only to do evil. He kidnaps naughty children in broad daylight and carry them away in a sack. Depending on regional variants, he either sells the children or eats them.

The Coco

(Latin American poltergeist)

Monster who visits the confused and disoriented, the self-defeated and people frightened of new things. Appears in black or bright red at sundown and stays all night. Lives under beds and in dark closets. A bugbear. Often used to refer to groundless, irrational, illogical or exaggerated fear.

Buga Buga

(Constant nightmare in Northern Europe)

A shadowy, amorphous ghost who hides in dark places in order to frighten unsuspecting victims. He’s more of a nuisance than a danger, and his power is easily neutralized by bright light. Netherlands. Other known whereabouts: Belgium, Germany

Bokkenrijders 

(Vengeful marauders in Italy and Spain)

These creatures of fright are ghost robbers riding on flying goats. These boogies were  actively created by thieves in the 18th century to intimidate and terrorize local farming communities. Haunts southern Europe and South America. In Northern Europe he often works as Saint Nicholas’ evil sidekick.

Baba Yaga

(Cold, cruel and deadly)

A Slavic witch of the Russian forests. She lives in a shack that stands on giant chicken legs, rides around in a flying mortar and carries a giant pestle. Unpredictable with humans, she is just as likely to help you as eat you. 

H’awouahoua

(The most horrible presence in North Africa)

A terrifying Algerian monster – the H’awouahoua is described as having a body composed of conflicting government entities and eyes that are blobs of flaming bullshit. It only votes by party line and spend most of its elected term getting reelected.To top it off his coat is made from the clothes of the many children it has eaten.

Tokoloshe

(The Wizard’s Helpers in South Africa)

Tokoloshe are water sprites who do the bidding of evil South African wizards. They can become invisible by drinking water then pouncing on and grabbing at children. One might protect himself from Tokoloshe while asleep by placing a brick beneath each leg of your bed. That will keep them at bay while rituals take control. Final banishment will require the services of a witch doctor.

Gurumapa

(Himalayan beasts now pacified?)

The Gurumapa iof Nepal was a man-eating giant who abandoned his evil ways and enjoys a position of honor in Katmandu in exchange for not eating local kids. He is known to consume an entire water buffalo in one sitting.

Wewe Gombel

(Benevolent, yet frightening witch)

Female spirit, Wewe Gombel kidnaps Indonesian children in order to save them from bad parents. She lovingly cares for them in her nest atop a palm tree, refusing to return them until their parents alter their abusive or neglectful ways.

Namahage

(Japanese ghosts on the New Year)

These Japanese ogres go from door to door on New Year’s Eve, looking for children who have misbehaved that year. They celebrate the season by carrying away children who are lazy or insolent.

Mètminwi

(Island Fiend of little discretion)

This Haitian boogeyman is described as a man with incredibly long legs who walks around towns at midnight to catch and eat anyone who is still outside. His name is a contraction of the French maître (master) and minuit (midnight).

La Llorona

(Wandering murderer searching for peace)

This Mexican ghost of a woman who drowned her children in order to be with a man who ultimately spurned her. Destitute, she drowned herself — but she’s barred from entering heaven until she finds her children. At night, she wanders along the riverbanks looking for them, crying “¡Ay mis hijos!” (Oh my children!) and snatching any child she mistakes for her own.

Socialism

(Frightens the sheep)

This very American spirit confronts the ancient concept of the divine right of the rich to rule. Socialism is not the boogyman that breaks down the door at night with a machine gun and furry Russian hat. That terror is attributed to communism or fascism. Instilling fear in the hearts of the great unwashed keeps the poor from seeking what is theirs while paying taxes and tribute to a rogue government that represents only the rich. Most of the people who are afraid of socialism cannot define the term. These people have been brainwashed into believing that they are included in a Big Boy Democracy when there is not one. Until people stand up to these fictitious soul-eating intruders, the monsters that plague them will continue to marginalize their lives and invade their sleep.

– Fred Zeppelin

My Grandma’s Irish Stew

Actually this recipe comes from my great grandmother, Mary O’Brien,

who moved to New York from County Tipperary in 1858.

*Fry equal portions of lamb and beef in flour and oil (About one pound of each)

*Add eight medium size potatoes and a dozen carrots.

*Add three stalks of celery, 1/2 an onion and two small cloves of garlic.

*Put ingredients in caste iron cook pot, cover and simmer for twenty minutes.

*Salt and pepper to taste

*Add two fifths of John Powers Irish whiskey

*Simmer for 45 minutes. Serve with soda bread and a keg of Guinness.

If any portion of the above ingredients seems too extreme feel free to cut back on the suggested amounts. For instance: Maybe there are too many carrots for some tastes.

– Kevin Haley

Continued from “Brasilia in Flames-Amazoa Revenge”

Continued from the front

then draping taut clusters of Kapoc and pieces of ancient Sumaumeira trees around the windows and doors so that they could insulate themselves from the ever-creeping jungle now intent on engulfing the entire logging camp. Over across the clear-cut pastures it was much the same.

“During the day everything is fine as well-armed burning crews set out to reclaim more virgin rainforest so as to run cattle and plant soybeans,” said one Quechua source. “The Amazon can never recover from this wanton destruction.

“The smoke can be seen for miles and miles. The smell of the executed trees is overwhelming. At dusk the men return to the makeshift camp and then all the retribution starts. The sound of the plants moving en masse and the screams when they take a worker are nightmares many of us will never outlive,” continued the Quechua man, who lives in a traditional village nearby – one that is threatened by the mass destruction.

Terrified eyewitnesses report that massive vines as well as epiphytes like moss and bromeliads lead the initial assault, trapping stragglers and choking many of the often drunken residents of these filthy, diesel-infested sites. During sleeping hours the situation grows worse as plentiful Euterpe Precatoria and tough rubber trees join in the one-sided massacre of smothering and strangulation. In the morning there is little else to do but dig shallow graves in the sandy soil and go to work cutting and burning, hoping to punish rogue plant life and discourage another night’s rampage.

“The governments and the land barons do not want this news to get out, as one might imagine,” said the indigenous source. “All that violence might get someone’s attention and the mindless burning and cutting brought to a halt. After watching this struggle emerge night after night I realize that not only the native people are of no value to these agricultural monsters. We are all expendable.”

Scientists working for several South American concerns agree that it is highly unlikely that a confederation of plants is at the root of the havoc. They say workers have simply stumbled onto bad whiskey and have imagined the hellish harassment, the nocturnal dosage, and the jungle’s spell.

Despite the downplay by the experts local authorities are on alert after reports of monkey brush vine, pitcher plants (carnivores) passion flowers (pollinated by bats) and Victoria Amazoa perched within striking distance of towns and cities that harbor plant murderers (homicidam donari flora, genus: tropicae silva).

– Suzie Compost

The Burgeoning Toilet Paper Virus

(Montrose) A friend just sent me a photo of empty shelves at a Montrose chain store and it set me thinking….What if there is no toilet paper left in the region when I return from my winter residency in Colombia in May?

What will I do if I can’t buy toilet paper in the tri-county area? The intensity of the current panic doesn’t bode well for my safeguarding instincts and/or my hoarding prospects. So I’m asking for a favor: If you read this article would you buy me a roll and deliver it to my front porch in Colona. Surely I have enough friends that will help me out on this. (I’d give my exact address but I’m worried about identity theft.)

And maybe bring over a few jugs of milk even though I don’t particularly like the stuff and those big bottles of Perrier?

Is there a run on the liquor stores too? I’d hate to run out of vodka what with all this talk about quarantines and lockdowns. Will the marijuana dispensaries stay open in a crisis? What about candles, pizza delivery and bullets?

One reader suggested I use old copies of the San Juan Horseshoe but it’s just not the same. Another said I’d be better off staying here in South America until the consumer emergency wears off. Still others asked if the gov’ment would not solve these health disasters flung onto the United States from the redoubts of foreign calamity.

One person advised that I buy what I need on Amazon and have it delivered. After checking I found that the distribution giant usually sells Charmin for $27 for 24 rolls but that the product is currently unavailable for an undisclosed length of time. Hmmm.

This morning one of the leading newspapers in Medellin carried a well-researched piece about attempts to smuggle toilet paper into the US wrapped in bags of cocaine. The story, while amusing and a credit to investigative journalism has not been substantiated. Nor were rumors that Canada and several Latin American countries were cutting off all exports of toilet paper (an estimated 10% of all domestic consumption) to the United States in its time of need.

I hate to cut this article short while I’m on a roll, but I’m done obsessing about comfort levels, wild-eyed catastrophes and the binding accessories taken for granted in our daily functions.

So what if I ran out of toilet paper! I have a shotgun. Anyone with a loaded shotgun can get toilet paper quickly and discreetly, no questions asked.

– Gabby Haze