All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

TERMS USED IN THIS PAPER

compiled by Melvin Toolstoy

The following are words that we found deep inside the bowels of the dictionary. Although we have never seen or heard of these terms before yesterday we have crammed them into our vocabulary in an attempt to impress our many literate readers. We have worn out many more common words and have chosen to remain poly-lingual and multi-dimensional in our quest for morality in semantics.

beray – to make foul, to soil.

tinchel – a ring formed by hunters to trap deer.

onomatophobia – the fear of hearing a certain word.

gyascutus – a huge, imaginary, four-legged beast with legs on one side longer than the other, enabling it to walk on steep hillsides (U.S.).

boobook – the Australian morepork.

ophiomancy – fortune telling with snakes.

halfpace – 1.) a platform with stairs used for thrones or altars. 2.) a staircase landing or broad step between two half-flights going in different directions.

aissaoua – a sect of Moroccan dervishes.

syngenesphobia – the fear or dislike of relatives.

ophthalmophobia – the fear of being stared at.

rounceval – large or strong (from the huge bones found at Roncevalles, France). 1.) anything huge. 2.) a bad-mouthed old woman. 3.) the marrowfat pea.

uxorodespotism – wifely tyranny.

ruelle – 1.) a select social gathering (from the French custom of entertaining special friends in one’s bedroom). 2.) the bedroom 3.) the space between the bed and the wall.

Satan defends policies in Gehenna

(The Nether Regions) Lucifer bolstered longstanding policies during the Annual State of the Abyss address but promised to look into surging complaints about freedom and living conditions.

Saying he fully endorsed the round-the-clock hip-hop blasting practices in the old folks sector “efforts were being made to introduce bad country music to the already flame-fanning menu. He then expressed concern that security leaks were becoming an issue and thanked those who had turned in their neighbors for violations or suspected espionage.

“Come Hell or high water spies from upstairs will not crack us,” he squealed from deep down in a high-pitched, shrill, unnerving pitch common to animals at the slaughterhouse.

In closing, Beelzebub told ‘guests” that the new billionaires wing almost completed and should be up and running in time for what he called The Gilded- Guillotine Age. He did not elaborate.

“Guests” in Hades most often complain of treatment by fallen angels, burnt food, no air-conditioning or fans and the cost of a bag of ice at the company store. Many say the only decent things to eat are apples but snakes guard them.

Hell’s half acre

Meanwhile in the capital city of Annwn, town tormenters have adopted Lucifer’s odd priorities. Today more than 400,000 forced laborers engaged in serious snow removal, industrial lawn watering and flood relief operations all over Hell’s Half Acre and back to their stinking shanties. Then they did it all over again.

Tartarus has come under international scrutiny of late due to the absence a viable policy on global warming.

“Hell’s bells, whispered a now calming red Devil, “this Inferno will not be pressured into any course of action by these humans, many of whom we will get to know quite well in the future.”

Reference: The All-Joking, All-Drunken Synod of Fools and Jesters

Colombian town reopens carefully

Speed and siestas are still in vogue in this delightful Antioquian village. The experiment: El Jardin is in the process of opening back up after more than two months of strict lockdown. Leaders here say they will keep a close watch on the health of residents and decide on which way to go with the tourist industry.

2020 Elections to be Decided by Penalty Kicks

MULE DEER TIME PREFERRED IN EARLY PROGNOSIS

(Denver) Colorado’s vulnerable ballot boxes will get an extra boost in November with the announcement that most state and federal races will be settled by penalty kicks. Although the final details are far from ironed out, it is painfully clear that close contests will no longer tolerate runoffs that leaders say are particularly susceptible to fraud and miscounts.

“We expect that registered voters will embrace this approach that is quick, colorful, efficient and far less costly than countless hours of secondary campaigning and courtroom drama,” said Polly Svencensus of Centennial Freedom, a highly respected environmental action committee with strong ties to the petroleum lobby.

It was not clear if the new arrangement would dictate final results only in close races or be applied to all political entanglements that often arise when polling places are in the spotlight.

Also new for 2020 is the expansion of mulligans for voters who regret inattentive voting in past elections. According to early appraisals every registered tally will qualify for this extra shot without penalty when individual ballot markers can show ample knowledge of the issues and candidates.

“Bozos who vote without doing their homework will not qualify for the mulligans and could face putter’s remorse, a fairway station yet to be determined,” said Svencensus.

In a related story, media giants in the Mile High City are projecting that Colorado voters will approve Referendum Spring Forward, which proposes Mule Deer Time as a permanent replacement for Daylight Savings Time in locations over 6,000 feet. A bevy of polls indicates that the amendment is favored by more than 3 – 1 and will likely pass into law in January.

-Small Mouth Bess

Seismologists Isolate Laugh Tracks

(Wilson Peak) Researchers here at the Wilson Seismic Observatory have determined that not only attitudes but also laughter levels are affected by moisture and dreary weather. Previously used to locate and measure earthquakes, hunt for oil and to study glaciers the seismograph has been found capable of recording and amplifying laughter waves.

Magnification of ground motion is intrinsic in these investigations. Often scientists will set off explosives above or below the surface. This produces sound waves that bounce back from rock strata, or layers, at various depths. The relative travel time of these waves sheds light on what lies beneath the surface of the planet and, in the case of generated mirth, indicates the general mental health of the population.

Very sensitive seismographic equipment is necessary to acquire a valid reading for enjoyment response. It’s often difficult to differentiate between a slight chuckle and an all out guffaw without collecting mounds of data. The storage of such information alone can be a nightmare.

“Once we dropped an expensive galvanometer off Bridal Veil Falls and it hit some guy’s trophy home down in town,” said Dr. Melvin Toolini, a specialist in Applied Inertia, flown in fresh from Naples Thursday. “Of course he sued the whole shooting match and progress was set back about twenty years. Now we suspend apparatus such as electromagnetic transducers off our necks much like the photographer perched on the edge of a scenic cliff or even hung up a ponderosa.”

Funds for this continued research come from Optimist Clubs, mental health cadres and of course from Congress, itself the subject of much laughter and cynicism. Although findings are still at the giggle stage and much data has yet to be compiled, several conclusions are clear.

“People don’t laugh as much when the sun doesn’t shine,” quipped Toolini. “In addition, studies have indicated that the public is less affectionate and far more frugal in cloudy weather. Humidity levels also control aggressive tendencies, fatigue levels and eating habits.”

     Much by accident the Wilson group has stumbled across another fringe phenomenon: Laugh tracks broadcast by television networks, during those clever half hour situation comedies, are not tapes of real laughter as previously surmised, but rather are synthetically produced sound waves.

“We see this kind of response as a sort of hot dog of the Richter Scale,” continued Toolini. “Although the product appears to be of quality it may contain all sorts of unhealthy bi-products.”

Further study indicates that the average person’s laughter levels would increase significantly if they could view the writers of such programs drawn and quartered or victims of firing squads at the termination of the program.

“Unfortunately the intellectual levels of TV viewers drop significantly when rainy days persist,” said Toolini. “That may account for the popularity of talk shows.”  

– Suzie Compost

“The U.S. should not be promoting its values internationally. It should not be telling other counties how they run themselves. The multilateral institutions, that the U.S. has had a significant role in, are part of that problem.”  –  Ian Bremmer, head of Eurasia Group.

Applications for astronaut spots cripple NASA

The well-versed bureaucracy was already in place. But it was supposed to be looking out, not in. Until the pandemic, a majority of this burgeoning space budget was spent on defense and satellites, including the study of alien life. Now administrative and human services costs have skyrocketed to the top.

Was it all because of this one tiny want ad?

Astronauts wanted. No experience necessary. Will train.

Apply National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

The placement then gave a link to a web form where an interested party could see more.

Thousands apply for astronaut positions at NASA

Until recently more people appeared frightened of the great abyss than were ready to strike out and embrace it. Scrutinizing every vestige for work, most could not pass up the ad or pass physical or mental requirements therein. Some were too large. Others too slow. Most were just desperate, bringing nothing to the table but the desire to fly away.

Now NASA computers are humming in an attempt to process mounds of ubiquitous applications for volunteer space travelers. Submissions and requests have increased two thousand-fold in the past week. Sources there say a lot of people who “fancy getting off the earth while they still have their wits” (about them). Many have “already packed their suitcases”.

NASA head hunting has been much more subtle in the past relying on trade publications and recruitment from within the outer space community. The appearance of the ad might have been an oversight or quite possibly a hack job.

Astronaut training session over at NASA

“Maybe it was the pink moon or the economy, the health crisis or wanderlust but we have been inundated with applications for only about 50 positions,” said Alfonse Clockwork, a spokesman for NASA. “A lot of people have given up on earth and figure they’d be better off in orbit. Others see the Apocalypse in the rear view mirror.”

Most of the applicants have suffered long lines, tedious agendas, diminished options and little information since Thursday when the ad hit the classifieds. There has been little response much less NASA’s assurances that they will be heard.

“Stay home. Stay away. The daily lines are overwhelming our security,” said Clockwork. “We have seen literally thousands seeking a few long-term slots for experimental flight crews. What a mess we have in our laps at such a critical juncture. What are these people thinking? They have no survival skills. They have no space suits. Most have never even been off the planet.”

-Tommy Middlefinger