All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Seismologists Isolate Laugh Tracks

(Wilson Peak) Researchers here at the Wilson Seismic Observatory have determined that not only attitudes but also laughter levels are affected by moisture and dreary weather. Previously used to locate and measure earthquakes, hunt for oil and to study glaciers the seismograph has been found capable of recording and amplifying laughter waves.

Magnification of ground motion is intrinsic in these investigations. Often scientists will set off explosives above or below the surface. This produces sound waves that bounce back from rock strata, or layers, at various depths. The relative travel time of these waves sheds light on what lies beneath the surface of the planet and, in the case of generated mirth, indicates the general mental health of the population.

Very sensitive seismographic equipment is necessary to acquire a valid reading for enjoyment response. It’s often difficult to differentiate between a slight chuckle and an all out guffaw without collecting mounds of data. The storage of such information alone can be a nightmare.

“Once we dropped an expensive galvanometer off Bridal Veil Falls and it hit some guy’s trophy home down in town,” said Dr. Melvin Toolini, a specialist in Applied Inertia, flown in fresh from Naples Thursday. “Of course he sued the whole shooting match and progress was set back about twenty years. Now we suspend apparatus such as electromagnetic transducers off our necks much like the photographer perched on the edge of a scenic cliff or even hung up a ponderosa.”

Funds for this continued research come from Optimist Clubs, mental health cadres and of course from Congress, itself the subject of much laughter and cynicism. Although findings are still at the giggle stage and much data has yet to be compiled, several conclusions are clear.

“People don’t laugh as much when the sun doesn’t shine,” quipped Toolini. “In addition, studies have indicated that the public is less affectionate and far more frugal in cloudy weather. Humidity levels also control aggressive tendencies, fatigue levels and eating habits.”

     Much by accident the Wilson group has stumbled across another fringe phenomenon: Laugh tracks broadcast by television networks, during those clever half hour situation comedies, are not tapes of real laughter as previously surmised, but rather are synthetically produced sound waves.

“We see this kind of response as a sort of hot dog of the Richter Scale,” continued Toolini. “Although the product appears to be of quality it may contain all sorts of unhealthy bi-products.”

Further study indicates that the average person’s laughter levels would increase significantly if they could view the writers of such programs drawn and quartered or victims of firing squads at the termination of the program.

“Unfortunately the intellectual levels of TV viewers drop significantly when rainy days persist,” said Toolini. “That may account for the popularity of talk shows.”  

– Suzie Compost

“The U.S. should not be promoting its values internationally. It should not be telling other counties how they run themselves. The multilateral institutions, that the U.S. has had a significant role in, are part of that problem.”  –  Ian Bremmer, head of Eurasia Group.

Applications for astronaut spots cripple NASA

The well-versed bureaucracy was already in place. But it was supposed to be looking out, not in. Until the pandemic, a majority of this burgeoning space budget was spent on defense and satellites, including the study of alien life. Now administrative and human services costs have skyrocketed to the top.

Was it all because of this one tiny want ad?

Astronauts wanted. No experience necessary. Will train.

Apply National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

The placement then gave a link to a web form where an interested party could see more.

Thousands apply for astronaut positions at NASA

Until recently more people appeared frightened of the great abyss than were ready to strike out and embrace it. Scrutinizing every vestige for work, most could not pass up the ad or pass physical or mental requirements therein. Some were too large. Others too slow. Most were just desperate, bringing nothing to the table but the desire to fly away.

Now NASA computers are humming in an attempt to process mounds of ubiquitous applications for volunteer space travelers. Submissions and requests have increased two thousand-fold in the past week. Sources there say a lot of people who “fancy getting off the earth while they still have their wits” (about them). Many have “already packed their suitcases”.

NASA head hunting has been much more subtle in the past relying on trade publications and recruitment from within the outer space community. The appearance of the ad might have been an oversight or quite possibly a hack job.

Astronaut training session over at NASA

“Maybe it was the pink moon or the economy, the health crisis or wanderlust but we have been inundated with applications for only about 50 positions,” said Alfonse Clockwork, a spokesman for NASA. “A lot of people have given up on earth and figure they’d be better off in orbit. Others see the Apocalypse in the rear view mirror.”

Most of the applicants have suffered long lines, tedious agendas, diminished options and little information since Thursday when the ad hit the classifieds. There has been little response much less NASA’s assurances that they will be heard.

“Stay home. Stay away. The daily lines are overwhelming our security,” said Clockwork. “We have seen literally thousands seeking a few long-term slots for experimental flight crews. What a mess we have in our laps at such a critical juncture. What are these people thinking? They have no survival skills. They have no space suits. Most have never even been off the planet.”

-Tommy Middlefinger

ELECTION LEAGUE SAYS NO TO CROWD SEEDING

The United States Election Monitoring and Assistance Committee today banned crowd seeding as “a perverse and cowardly act” intended to portray racial and gender harmony “within a system run by wealthy old white men.” According to a statement read this morning the dubious placement of paid plants from racial and economic groups behind a speaker candidate to imply a wide-range of support when there is little, constitutes fraud and should be punished by penal servitude followed by lifelong banishment. (Photo by Stephen Miller)

Is Putin Jealous of Trump’s Hair?

(Moscow) Opponents of Vladimir Putin say the Russian demigod has a host of obsessive disorders noting that a newly surfaced malady is focused on Donald Trump’s hair.

Vlad Envy (Hooy morzhovy in Muscovite slang) a severe mania hair and fur fetish, has been entrenched in Russian culture since the days of Vladimir I. Due in part to the cold weather and access to large beasts the importance of hair has emerged in both literature and cuisine to which anyone who has ever read Dostoevsky’s The Idiot or been force-fed leftover borscht can attest.

For years the Russian people have been led to believe that the US President is wearing a toupee or some sort of wig. Now it all appears to have been a cover-up and attempt to distract from the level of jealousy that has now been exposed on the international stage.

“Just look at the two of them together and the expression on Putin’s face when Trump combs or brushes back his long orange hair,” said Fyodor Toolstoy, a Putin critic who has not been seen since the story broke Tuesday.

“A state of jealousy exists between our two countries, both with nuclear arsenals and the ability to deliver weapons of mass destruction,” said a Bolshevik Weekend, a party organ that spotlights fashion and hygiene and generally refrains from sojourns into the political arena.

“If this fixation is true why doesn’t Putin just go out and buy a wig,” said Nikolai Sonovavitch, a former St. Petersburg councilman. “With all his shady investments bankrolled by the people he certainly has the money. He could choose between red and red…anything but orange.”

Sonovavitch was noticeably absent from his daily devotional Mass this morning at Saint Okroshka Cathedral. Friends and family have asked for assistance in determining his present status and location.

Meanwhile Russian political analysts contend that this hair thing was cooked up by the CIA to embarrass Putin who, as most know, could not afford a haircut as a child.

“He has been quite transparent of late on matters concerning civility and etiquette,” said a popular talk show host on Radio Razvaluha, a pro-Putin station. “He has his own hair and  most importantly a head to go with it.”

-Anastasia Sebastopol

Kushner to play self in classic teen movie

(Follywood) White House executive sycophant, celebrated real estate tycoon and son-in-law to Donald Trump, Jared Kushner, will star in a new film called “Greedy Little Shits”

In what insiders called a lucrative contract, Kushner, who has plenty of acting experience as a successful Mideast negotiator and thanks to his current role as pandemic mainstay, will play himself in a desperate remake of Beach Blanket Bingo with snatched scenes from Taxi Driver and The Shining.

Jared Kushner has signed on to play The Evil Twit in Greedy Little Shits, a soon-to-be-released teen rage film.

It was not clear if supporting roles would be offered to other members of the Trump family, co-producers of the film. Ivanka has reportedly auditioned for the part of Muffy, a dingy lifeguard who hates sand but is in love with herself while Donald Junior is a lock to play a crooked hot dog vender according to Mike Pence, executive director of the picture.

“We would like to use other idle members of the family to play pivotal roles addressing such issues as gun rights, racial harmony, religious freedom and world diplomacy,” said Pence. “We were looking for a teenager to play the lead but Jared is both immature and downright mean, two valuable assets we cannot do without during these troubled times.

In a seriously unrelated statement Pence then reiterated a recent claim that neither he or President Trump was gay or communist “like all those Hollywood types”. Unreliable sources in Washington offered no comment to this assertion that Greedy Little Shits is a movie for all Americans.

“If you don’t like the production you hate America and are a terrorist,” said Pence.

Critics see the production as another attempt to placate supporters who are expected to flock to the theaters despite social isolation edicts and social distancing ordinances. Trump Has projected a box office smash. Medical experts (doctors) predict a spike in people testing positive for Corona19 Virus.

“Oh well,” said one left-leaning physician from California.

The film is based on the best-shelling book How To Profit From the Misery of Others by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.

“We’ve done a lot, a lot on this,” said Trump. “Obama never made a movie. It will be a terrific thing for all patriotic Americans.”

-Kashmir Horseshoe

Trump’s caddie appointed medical envoy

Donald Trump’s favorite caddie will take over federal distribution of emergency medical equipment to US hospitals it was disclosed today. The less-than-shocking announcement came during an exclusive friends only press conference attended by right wing media and members of the immediate family.

The unnamed caddie, oddly enough a a former Shakespearean actor and born again thespian, has had no previous experience other than golf course consultation and etiquette. He is the latest in a virtual parade of clown appointees, including Jared Kushner and Mike Pence who have “graced the administration with their knowledge and poise at a time of great crisis” according to a Trump spokesman.

When contacted by mainstream media the caddie, who often kept score for Trump, had no official comment other than “keep it in the short grass” a traditional bit of advice preferring fairways to roughs. He then purportedly mumbled something resembling Fair is foul, and foul is fair: Hover through the fog and filthy air which no one in the gallery could translate and therefore ignored.

“He is thrilled with the turn of events,” said a FOX News source. “He has promised to send some 10,000 non-medical golf gloves to red states by the weekend.

In addition red states will receive state-of-the-art ventilated golf carts with GPS rangefinders according to White House aides.

The President did not undress accusations that he was playing golf despite self-quarantine restrictions placed on Florida by its Republican governor Ron DeSantis, a close Trump ally. He did however promise to open up the economy despite the warnings of a golf pro and several greens keepers with knowledge of these developments.

When asked to discredit rumors that blue states would receive only tiny golf pencils and range balls from the Eisenhower years, Trump said that chipping and putting would be the responsibility of those Democrat governors who refused to replace divots.

Then a pro-Trump reporter asked if he would now play courses common to Shakespearean bunker tragedies such as Hamlet or Julius Caesar, Trump appeared stumped. He admitted that he cannot read but that he had watched a few of the plays on television. He then added that his handicap was far below that of likely opponent Boggy Joe Biden, who he called an average putter at best.

“The British are terrific golfers,” he smiled.

– Alfalfa Romero

“LET THEM EAT HAKE.”  – Lieutenant William Bligh, HMS Bounty