Fictitious writers get death threats at ‘Shoe

Police report no breakthrough on who or whom is sending multiple death threats to an assortment of nom de plumes at the San Juan Horseshoe publishing company in Mañana Vieja. The alleged felony menacing and substantiated barrage of negative mail has everyone on edge, especially the paper’s impressive roster of imaginary writers and contributors.

Despite written and recorded threats referencing violence “in close proximity to the well being of an assortment of nom de plumes*” (nom de guerre in the proper sense) the authorities can do nothing.

“We don’t have a body. We don’t have fingerprints or DNA. We don’t have a bio or a mug shot of the victim or even evidence of a motive,” said Sheriff George Fitzboodle.”Without corpus delicti, habeas corpus or maybe that quid pro quo we are helpless to act.”

Fitzboodle added that his team was monitoring the situation and had reached out to the imagined yet shaken journalists. He then called the San Juan Horseshoe “a living tribute to literary schizophrenia” before presenting the men’s room key to Horseshoe principles in attendance during the formal complaints.

“Right now we just have to wait and see how this develops,” the officer explained. “We can’t put them into any protection program because they don’t really exist, now do they?”

Several editors have been detained over the years for harboring imaginary friends. One says:

“Consider, for just a moment, the expense keeping living-breathing scribes in alcohol. It’s not gonna happen,” said one under editor. “On the other hand we must be able to protect our pen names, our ghost writers and our loyal opinion page warriors or what’s the point of selling real estate and funeral parlor ads at all?” he choked up.

Fitzboodle went on to conclude that the publisher couldn’t afford a real staff to engage in inter-office fashion shows and mope around all week waiting for fresh paychecks.

“So we’re firing everyone,” he smiled, “except our nom de plumes. “If I had a platoon of these fictitious writers I could retake the Panama Canal!”

In a related development police intercepted a play action kidnapping earlier today whereupon three awkward nom de plumes were allegedly pushed into a white utility van and sped off into the mountains. When the cops caught up to the two kidnapping suspects they were sitting there alone and breaking no laws.

This episode led to the police asking the obvious question: How could one be held for ransom if he/she isn’t really there? The investigating officer wrote a citation to the driver of the van for a low left front tire and then went for coffee.

These nom de plums have made their share of enemies over the years with many former co-workers coming out of the woodwork to jab at them and put them down as sanctimonious parasites.

“Many of them are odd, ego-testical grumps who spend contiguous Saturday nights behind a keyboard and a bottle,” said Old Man Pritchard, a former sports writer who lost his column to a pen name in 1987. “And that’s just the women.”

“These are not real people even if they think they are living, breathing specimens of fine regard,” he spat. “Most can’t spell worth a damn either and would have been long gone if they didn’t always bring donuts to work in the morning.”

MANY OF OUR READERS

have written in asking for clarity on several terms associated with the nom de plume. Yes, alias is one of the most popular substitutes, though incorrectly used most of the time. It implies that someone has a less than stunning past or that something shady is about to go on.

However: With an alias you can open a bank account in this name so long as a Tax ID or SS # associated with the account.

Another woman asked about the use of stage names that do little to hide identity, gender or race once the curtain falls.

“Thinly veiled threats, disguised as a difference of opinion or a plea for funds are off the table these days,” quipped Dr. George Eliot, a psych-social worker from Mark Twain – Lorenzo Da Ponte School for the Criminally Insignificant. The if you know what’s good for you card has been thrown from the deck. This kind of crude intimidation is seriously akin to beating up on Elmer Fudd, an avowed hate crime.

*a pseudonym or assumed name located somewhere between no-matter and nomadic in The Queen’s Dictionary of Remote Vegetable Names and Counter Mold

HERE IS OUR LIST

of famous authors and their pen names. Can you connect the right author with the right nom de plume? You will notice the number associated with each group is ten, which translates into a nine-person keystone line-up card with a designated hitter in the wings.

Authors: Cecil Day-Lewis, Brian O’Nolan, Chloe Ardelic Wofford, Harold Rubins, Irwin Shamforoff, Dean Koontz, Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, CS Lewis, William Sydney Porter, Mitt Romney

Nom de Plumes: Toni Morrison, Harold Robbins, Leigh Nichols, Lewis Carroll, NW Clerk, Pierre Delecto, O. Henry, Nicolas Blake, Flan O’Brien, Irwin Shaw

Bonus Question: What was Voltaire’s nickname in third grade?

For a related story…

Horseshoe Slaps Franchise Tags on top “pretend” writers

Melvin Toole, Uncle Pahgre, Fred Zeppelin, Susie Compost, Tommy Middlefinger, Pepper Salt, Small Mouth Bess, Rocky Flats and Gabby Haze agreed to No-Trade contracts today while sensitive terms such as POX News, the Elves Club, Region Zen, Mañana, Confront Range, Refried News and Pea Green Symphony Orchestra will continue to be stored deep beneath the vaults at Cheyenne Mountain until logic and empathy dominate gov’ment policy.

-Kashmir Horseshoe

Underground Seminar in Second Year

(Ouray) The immensely popular Spend the Summer Underground Seminar is about to kick off its sophomore year according to organizers here. The 12-week work/study program will begin at the bottom of the Idarado Mine on Red Mountain Pass and, over the girth of the summer, wind its way through miles of tunnels culminating with a wine and cheese picnic in Telluride Town Park on Labor Day.

“I thought I’d miss the sun,” said Melvin Sansonovovitch, a suitcase designer from Moline Meadows who participated in the program last summer. “The food was above board and the daily classes were stimulating but the TV reception sucked.”

Sponsored internationally by Hard Rock Tolerance Ventures, the summer-long agenda may offer weekend pilot programs at Camp Bird, Smuggler and Funnyside in 2021.

“The problem with sessions like these is once our students get down two hundred feet or so they don’t want to come back up,” said one instructor. It’s a clear case of How you gonna keep ’em down on the farm after they’ve seen the gold syndrome.”

At press time there are three slots open for the summer. One is first class, the others are tram.

“Either way it’s a mucking good deal,” said Sansonovovitch.

– Uncle Pahgre

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Western Slope Male to Female Ratios Approaching Dangerous Levels

(Gladstone) Seven of every ten Western Colorado residents is male according to a recently completed statistical analysis conducted by a consortium of legitimate dating services bivouacked here.

Woodsy suitors line up to dance with the lone lady and a local nightclub last Saturday night. With a growing ratio of men to women in Western Colorado the average man can face waits up to six months before tripping the light fantastic on the hardwood floor. Women, on the other hand, face a constant stream of attentive from simple gawking to outright advances.     (Photo by Margot Rottweiller)

Opportunities, linked directly to the availability of potential mates, or prey in the natural world, are down even though the place has experienced an urban renewal of sorts with expanded shopping, chic bistros and a destination for the more beautiful people. That is not to say that single women flock to the bright lights.

“Let’s face it, says Ratsune Sparkle, a self-educated expert on the comings and goings of Colorado nightlife, “the women most men want to meet after dark aren’t hanging around behind the barn. The fancier ladies migrate to the action and they ain’t much of that down on main in the average Western Colorado burgh.”

Sparkle agreed that the scene at most slope-side ski areas and, of corpse, in metroplex Colona were always hot, but not quite sizzling.

“But it’s so seasonal over here compared to Denver or Albuquerque where there are plenty of women waiting around to encounter rich, interesting men. Most of the women in Denver couldn’t find Sapinero on a GPS.”

On the other side of the coin women here on the west side of the mountains face a population of desperate males that think flowers are for bees and pick ups and pointy-toed boots are for every other occasion. Despite the fact that there is more mobility and opportunity for males to get ahead, many do not rise to the occasion.

Western Colorado men: “Too few women and so little time”

“Women have good reason for not landing here,” said Arleen Coxcomb, MSW, and founder of Save the Earwigs. “If I guy can’t even change his shirt for dinner after eight hours in a ditch he shouldn’t expect romance after dessert.”

Ironically, many of the single women who have relocated here to enjoy the whistle of the wind through the pines and the solitude of the mountains find unwanted attention.           

“The first week I was here I attended seven candlelight dinners, three café lunches and a brunch hosted by a cave person that I met in the supermarket produce department on Sunday at dawn,” said a young woman who says she hopes to raise wallabies on her mini-ranch just outside of Ridgway.

With the autumn and the coming of winter, authorities are face to face with their worst fears as the competition for a winter companion reaches its apex during the rutting season.

“We can only sit back and watch as the social circus culminates,” said one sheriff’s deputy. “It’s particularly painful on the weekdays and weekends.”

– Fred Zeppelin

Subject of Wobbly Tables Undressed by Council

(Wimpton) The local town council has voted 33-1 to outlaw the import of any more wobbly tables to the region. The action was taken after hundreds of complaints were received from consumers here.

“We can’t solve all of the problems on the docket,” said one councilmember, “but by golly we will have stability where we take our meals. There is nothing worse than a wobble when one is attempting to drink a full-brimmed martini or consume bean dip in one’s summer whites.

Several members tolled would not comment on further plans for wobbly tables already in the region or the presence of wobbly chairs along the frontier.

At present a local ordinance requires the bolting down of all plastic furniture and dogs-at-large prior to Election Day.

In old business: The subject of septic tank odor was tabled until the decorators decide on new wallpaper and expanded handicapped parking adjacent to the council chambers.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Team Hook Up Files Chapter 11, Promises Comeback

Principles may have left town last night says sheriff

Colona had quickly become the computer-dating hub of the Rockies…then the pandemic ended it all. Since local courting helper, Team Hook-Up relied on personal contact evaluation and not virtual romance business dried up when close up encounters became a no-no.

The industry had hurled itself on an unsuspecting public back in the fifties disguised as payola radio and seedy, traveling game shows. After a three-decade spree the dating scene had generated an estimated 4.2 billion dollars in revenue and real estate.

That money has since disappeared leaving consumers wondering whom, if anyone, to trust. The cash was liquidated over time while the real estate was buried out in someone’s yard or some such arrangement.

Nonetheless boards were coming off the windows on Hotchkiss Avenue the morning and Team Hook-Up associates were making their way to their hermetically sealed cubicles with fine mist disinfectant spray receptacles, foot fumigation floor mats and assorted weak alliteration. They were hoping for their paychecks.

“A brand new virtual dating site should be up by next weekend,” read an ad in The Wildcat Creek Fur Ball, a local weekly covering the wool market and the town’s business news, peppered with naughty gossip from up on Log Hill.

It reports that county investors were burned when the most recent operators left town with bailout cash and personal stats on over 3 million anxious romantics.

“Local participants can continue the “semi-interrupted service” via letter writing, crusising the second-hand stores and hanging out in front of Montrose Wal-Mart. “Church is still a damn good place to meet other singles.” counseled the paper.

-Fred Zeppelin