All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Subject of Wobbly Tables Undressed by Council

(Wimpton) The local town council has voted 33-1 to outlaw the import of any more wobbly tables to the region. The action was taken after hundreds of complaints were received from consumers here.

“We can’t solve all of the problems on the docket,” said one councilmember, “but by golly we will have stability where we take our meals. There is nothing worse than a wobble when one is attempting to drink a full-brimmed martini or consume bean dip in one’s summer whites.

Several members tolled would not comment on further plans for wobbly tables already in the region or the presence of wobbly chairs along the frontier.

At present a local ordinance requires the bolting down of all plastic furniture and dogs-at-large prior to Election Day.

In old business: The subject of septic tank odor was tabled until the decorators decide on new wallpaper and expanded handicapped parking adjacent to the council chambers.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Team Hook Up Files Chapter 11, Promises Comeback

Principles may have left town last night says sheriff

Colona had quickly become the computer-dating hub of the Rockies…then the pandemic ended it all. Since local courting helper, Team Hook-Up relied on personal contact evaluation and not virtual romance business dried up when close up encounters became a no-no.

The industry had hurled itself on an unsuspecting public back in the fifties disguised as payola radio and seedy, traveling game shows. After a three-decade spree the dating scene had generated an estimated 4.2 billion dollars in revenue and real estate.

That money has since disappeared leaving consumers wondering whom, if anyone, to trust. The cash was liquidated over time while the real estate was buried out in someone’s yard or some such arrangement.

Nonetheless boards were coming off the windows on Hotchkiss Avenue the morning and Team Hook-Up associates were making their way to their hermetically sealed cubicles with fine mist disinfectant spray receptacles, foot fumigation floor mats and assorted weak alliteration. They were hoping for their paychecks.

“A brand new virtual dating site should be up by next weekend,” read an ad in The Wildcat Creek Fur Ball, a local weekly covering the wool market and the town’s business news, peppered with naughty gossip from up on Log Hill.

It reports that county investors were burned when the most recent operators left town with bailout cash and personal stats on over 3 million anxious romantics.

“Local participants can continue the “semi-interrupted service” via letter writing, crusising the second-hand stores and hanging out in front of Montrose Wal-Mart. “Church is still a damn good place to meet other singles.” counseled the paper.

-Fred Zeppelin

TERMS USED IN THIS PAPER

compiled by Melvin Toolstoy

The following are words that we found deep inside the bowels of the dictionary. Although we have never seen or heard of these terms before yesterday we have crammed them into our vocabulary in an attempt to impress our many literate readers. We have worn out many more common words and have chosen to remain poly-lingual and multi-dimensional in our quest for morality in semantics.

beray – to make foul, to soil.

tinchel – a ring formed by hunters to trap deer.

onomatophobia – the fear of hearing a certain word.

gyascutus – a huge, imaginary, four-legged beast with legs on one side longer than the other, enabling it to walk on steep hillsides (U.S.).

boobook – the Australian morepork.

ophiomancy – fortune telling with snakes.

halfpace – 1.) a platform with stairs used for thrones or altars. 2.) a staircase landing or broad step between two half-flights going in different directions.

aissaoua – a sect of Moroccan dervishes.

syngenesphobia – the fear or dislike of relatives.

ophthalmophobia – the fear of being stared at.

rounceval – large or strong (from the huge bones found at Roncevalles, France). 1.) anything huge. 2.) a bad-mouthed old woman. 3.) the marrowfat pea.

uxorodespotism – wifely tyranny.

ruelle – 1.) a select social gathering (from the French custom of entertaining special friends in one’s bedroom). 2.) the bedroom 3.) the space between the bed and the wall.

Satan defends policies in Gehenna

(The Nether Regions) Lucifer bolstered longstanding policies during the Annual State of the Abyss address but promised to look into surging complaints about freedom and living conditions.

Saying he fully endorsed the round-the-clock hip-hop blasting practices in the old folks sector “efforts were being made to introduce bad country music to the already flame-fanning menu. He then expressed concern that security leaks were becoming an issue and thanked those who had turned in their neighbors for violations or suspected espionage.

“Come Hell or high water spies from upstairs will not crack us,” he squealed from deep down in a high-pitched, shrill, unnerving pitch common to animals at the slaughterhouse.

In closing, Beelzebub told ‘guests” that the new billionaires wing almost completed and should be up and running in time for what he called The Gilded- Guillotine Age. He did not elaborate.

“Guests” in Hades most often complain of treatment by fallen angels, burnt food, no air-conditioning or fans and the cost of a bag of ice at the company store. Many say the only decent things to eat are apples but snakes guard them.

Hell’s half acre

Meanwhile in the capital city of Annwn, town tormenters have adopted Lucifer’s odd priorities. Today more than 400,000 forced laborers engaged in serious snow removal, industrial lawn watering and flood relief operations all over Hell’s Half Acre and back to their stinking shanties. Then they did it all over again.

Tartarus has come under international scrutiny of late due to the absence a viable policy on global warming.

“Hell’s bells, whispered a now calming red Devil, “this Inferno will not be pressured into any course of action by these humans, many of whom we will get to know quite well in the future.”

Reference: The All-Joking, All-Drunken Synod of Fools and Jesters

Colombian town reopens carefully

Speed and siestas are still in vogue in this delightful Antioquian village. The experiment: El Jardin is in the process of opening back up after more than two months of strict lockdown. Leaders here say they will keep a close watch on the health of residents and decide on which way to go with the tourist industry.

2020 Elections to be Decided by Penalty Kicks

MULE DEER TIME PREFERRED IN EARLY PROGNOSIS

(Denver) Colorado’s vulnerable ballot boxes will get an extra boost in November with the announcement that most state and federal races will be settled by penalty kicks. Although the final details are far from ironed out, it is painfully clear that close contests will no longer tolerate runoffs that leaders say are particularly susceptible to fraud and miscounts.

“We expect that registered voters will embrace this approach that is quick, colorful, efficient and far less costly than countless hours of secondary campaigning and courtroom drama,” said Polly Svencensus of Centennial Freedom, a highly respected environmental action committee with strong ties to the petroleum lobby.

It was not clear if the new arrangement would dictate final results only in close races or be applied to all political entanglements that often arise when polling places are in the spotlight.

Also new for 2020 is the expansion of mulligans for voters who regret inattentive voting in past elections. According to early appraisals every registered tally will qualify for this extra shot without penalty when individual ballot markers can show ample knowledge of the issues and candidates.

“Bozos who vote without doing their homework will not qualify for the mulligans and could face putter’s remorse, a fairway station yet to be determined,” said Svencensus.

In a related story, media giants in the Mile High City are projecting that Colorado voters will approve Referendum Spring Forward, which proposes Mule Deer Time as a permanent replacement for Daylight Savings Time in locations over 6,000 feet. A bevy of polls indicates that the amendment is favored by more than 3 – 1 and will likely pass into law in January.

-Small Mouth Bess