All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Congress OKs cardboard cutout attendance

(Freeze-dried files-Soggy Bottom) Putting off what many consider more pressing legislation the US Senate today passed a less than steadfast attendance bill allowing cardboard cutouts to replace Congressmen in the House and Senate chambers.

Dubbing the action a safety precaution in the face of Coronavirus-19, backers of the decree insist that elected officials should be deferred from showing up to a poorly ventilated room where, despite social distancing and regular testing, threatens the well-being of the nation’s leaders.

“It will also free up elected officials to campaign, schmooze with donors and have lunch with lobbyists,” said Marigold Finn, who has been employed as an organic gardener at the Capitol since 1979.

“Just because the temporary president eats his meals out of a cardboard box doesn’t mean we should all follow suit,” she said.

Cardboard cut-outs are cleaner, safer but even more irrelevant say detractors who call the move “slothful, loathsome and seriously misleading.”

Although procedurally questionable the edict looks certain to become law.

“It’s a matter of national security and besides baseball is doing it,” said a hoax-monger from the Great Midwest. “Now what could be more American than that?”

Critics called the move “cosmetic and toothless at best” slamming this emerging modus operandi as “another attempt to distract the public just as the Congress votes on another pay raise next week.

One billionaire politician from Georgia says she’s only in it for the glory…and the money…and the benefits.

“I am honored to serve my country,” she murmured. “I can just catch up with any missed governing on C-Spam. All we have to do is show up in a tie or nice dress every so often. What’s the rub? It’s all partisan voting anyway”.

 – Steely Headlands

Solitaire Legend to Host Workshop

(Montrose)  A complimentary clinic conducted by solitaire great Pinky Diamond and sponsored by the Laser State Continuing Education Department will be held at the Montrose Pavilion on Tuesday, August 25 according to the Uncompahgre Lonely Hearts Club. The program, open to the public, will consist of seminars, an autograph session and footage of classic matches covering Diamond’s 48 years in solitaire.

A second session will be held at the Daughters of the American Rationalization Hall in Manana which will be invitation only and presented in conjunction with a cocktail reception and marginal dining experience.

“This may break the stranglehold that bingo has had on this community since World War I,” said Ginn Rooney, a one-armed blackjack dealer and highly recognized authority on parlor games that is credited with the invention of the poker chip in 1932. Rooney recently moved to Montrose from Las Vegas for the nightlife.

Once the second-ranked solitaire player in the world, Diamond reportedly mastered the demanding game on long, cold nights while working as a sheepherder on California Mesa in the 50s. In 2001 he  retired from professional solitaire to pursue a doomed career as a Tango singer in 2013. These days Diamond raises miniature emus on his 10,000-acre ranch high above Colona and where he still plays cards.

“We’re real lucky to have him in town,” said Rooney, who will perform card tricks until someone has a better idea of how to spend the evening. We’re actually neighbors up near Buckhorn. He’s a lot more fun than those surfers that used to live up here,” she said.

“He’s not used to playing solitaire in front of all these people,” smiled Rooney. “We hope he won’t let the crowd rattle him at tense moments of play.”

A native of Iceland, he changed his show name from Avril Balboa Bergstol to Pinky Diamond at the end of the Spanish Civil War. After that he enjoyed great success coaching and now has embraced organic education. Most recently he has gained attention for his failed efforts to convince livestock as to the benefits of Daylight Savings Time.

“We fervently hope solitaire will gain the attention much deserved in the arena of international sport and recreation here on a local level,” quipped Rooney. “It may be the last chance we get to bring quality entertainment to the provinces.”   

– Pepper Salte   

COLORADO UNMASKED

Baked News – America on the Boil

Our beloved president has quashed his previous politicization of medical masks saying all Americans should now wear masks in public and that the virus will get worse before it gets better. That’s quite a shift from the bean salesman. But while many of us wait in apprehension for further management of the crisis one local ophthalmologist seeks to clear the air.

“Nobody told you to wear a blindfold. Blinders are never a substitute for medical masks” says Dr. Constance Junctivitus. “Just open your eyes and the black and white evaporates and it all fades to gray. Distractions and the power grab are in fourth gear.”

Meanwhile a severe brain drain is on the horizon as the US falls further into a dark culture where corruption dictates and justice weeps. Academic pursuits are flimsy and plastic in most cases and demeaned in the intellectually challenged circles. According to palpable statistics many intellectuals, teachers and journalists, targeted as the enemy of the people, have reportedly entertained the possibility of leaving the country or even the planet.

“Good,” say an assortment of frightened, pseudo-spiritual, xenophobic, sound-byte recipients, who are transforming our nation into a safe landing for ignorance. They are happily waltzing down the autocratic path, turning any hope of peace and justice into a travesty with assault weapons, manufactured freedom and swastikas.

“The crisis is only exacerbated by the Coronavirus, continued Junctivitus. “While the worship of ignorance is the culprit it spreads fear, circulating hate as an airborne pollutant. A person doesn’t need bifocals to see what’s going on around us.”

-Kashmir Horseshoe

Reporter’s Briefing in Purgatory Alarms Ecclesiastics

Melvin O’Toole’s brief sojourn to Purgatory, (not to be confused with Paraguay) was not planned. Like a lot of other metaphysical marvels it kind of just kinda fell out of the sky, or at least he did.

The mysterious and proverbial holding tank, reputedly a place that accommodates souls not exactly eligible for heaven but not quite damned to hell, does not accept drop-ins and has no patience for the growing number of lost spirits seeking reconciliation before moving on to a more stable eternity.

“When Toole popped in we were engaged in a game of darts and we needed a target,” said a longtime gatekeeper in the misty fog that covers the impenetrable lakes and marshes doubling as access paths and roadways in or out of the intermediate state of existence.

“He was perfect in that he was round, moved slowly and didn’t seem to mind the darts bouncing off him,” said the gatekeeper. “He probably thought it was part of the purification process or the cleansing before he moved on.”

During the entire outing O’Toole kept his eyes open and his mouth shut. Somewhat hesitant to describe his experience upon return, he focused on visible impacts such as the countless car washes that pepper the spotless landscape.

“I was held in the reception area for over two hours while they decided what to two with me,” O’Toole said. “It looked like a corporate-induced buffet breakfast nook at a generic interstate motel where everyone grabs and chows down on USDA recommended chemicals for the day. No personality whatsoever. No one talks to each other.”

Since I was flying standby I did not even receive a welcome kit. The attendants laughed when I politely asked: “Where to next? I have a voucher from one of the airlines that lists my final destination as heaven”

In a related piece aliens from thirteen different celestial bodies and six galaxies have asked that earthlings stay where they are until they resolve glaring inadequacies that threaten to destroy their social experiments once and for all.

– Estelle Marmotbreath

Senator Backpedals on Tattoo Cure

(Washington) Senator Paula Parvenu is in full denial this morning after seemingly compromising herself over claims that tattoos could cure Coronavirus-19.

“I never said that, said Parenu. It’s fake news.”

Clinging to her renunciation even after her original statement was blasted all over the media just two days ago, the senator said the TV footage and taped recordings were the work of anarchists who hate America.”

“How could tattoos heal anything?” she smiled. “I don’t have a one and I am healthy.”

On Saturday the US Department of Health dismissed claims that tattoos might be effective in combating some viruses as idle chatter with no bearing on reality. Leading tattooists concur, adding that the younger age of the average tattoo enthusiast is definitely in their favor.

Many within Parvenu’s constituency are familiar with brain gas and intellect explosions common to her shaky tenure. They see the current bedlam as just another hoax like the GOP tax cuts and Donald Trump’s spiritual commitment.

-Fred Zeppelin

Zombie Banking Enjoys Day in the Sun

Zombie banking appears to be at its pinnacle after disclosures that some 1.4 billion dollars has been sent to the dead as part of an Coronavirus economic stimulus.

Whether surviving recipients of the misguided checks will have to pay back the money was not clear although Treasury Department sources insisted that recently reported numbers are askew and that only around 2 billion was forwarded in appropriately.

“We sent out billions and they are making a stink about a few humanitarian windfalls that went to the dear and departed,” cried one accountant who said he was out smoking a cigar when the final figures were tabulated.

Other payouts have reached those who are still alive for now but are taking few precautions in the face of a pandemic. Federal spokespeople would not comment when asked if the whole charade was dependent on a continued death chant.

“Our worse case scenario is that a countryman receives a check then drops dead before he can cash it,” said a top-level treasury official.

Critics of the mass payout say the government has no right to print hoards of money and distribute it in such a haphazard manner.

And some say voting by mail would lead to disaster.

– Small Mouth Bess